To hate DH working hours

[StaceHu23]

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

@StaceHu23

I honestly believe somebody should not disappear off the face of the earth once they leave for work?..kids ok? Something like that, not expecting a long chat or anything.

I disappear off the face of the earth. I'm not allowed my phone in clinic , I have stuff to do meetings to attend if it's an emergency they can ring the office phone. A lot of jobs are like that unfortunately.

If you don't know when he's coming home, @StaceHu23 then you can't possibly know what he's up to. He could finish an hour or 2 earlier and be up to no good and you wouldn't even know it. Seriously though, how do you not know what time he's coming home? Even if he is a shift worker, he'd know what shift he was working that day so when tell you when he leaves what time he'll be back.

Ok fair enough. Think I am just adding pointless things I my endless list of moaning! Haha

so *would tell you

@HangingRock25 because he is a manager, he doesn’t have a finish time apparently! Depends on the work load

That is very convenient isn't it. I would be demanding a set time, and tell him our marriage is at stake if he doesn't change.

[quote StaceHu23]@HangingRock25 because he is a manager, he doesn’t have a finish time apparently! Depends on the work load[/quote]
What company does he work for - he would definitely have contracted set hours.

I cant work out what he does because most office based jobs have a max of 40 hours a week. Unless he works in the city!

There are plenty of office based jobs where you have contracted hours of, say, 37.5hrs per week, but there is an expectation that you work whatever hours are required to deliver on your responsibilities. And in many cases this equates to an expectation that you work longer hours.

It's not unusual at all.

@StaceHu23

Also, he doesn’t check in with us once whilst he is working…he says he just wants to get his work done as quick as he can and come home To us?

When he mostly only finishes earlier for his hobbies, not for you? No, I don’t believe him. Actions speak louder than words.

I work an office based job in the public sector. There are many days when I wouldn't be able to leave on the dot of my contracted finish time.

Before that, I worked for a large consultancy firm - it was exactly the same position there (I.e. an expectation that you work whatever hours are needed).

It depends on whether he can do anything about it. You are allowed to be annoyed though. Having to work long hours to survive is shit.

I wish my DH finished at 8pm.
He works every weekend, gets 1 or 2 weekdays off but this changes every week and often changes again after rota is done with short notice. Typically he finishes at 11pm sometimes later if he is really busy.
We have two young DC - I'm brutally exhausted

The thing is, he is actually nice guy, just feel I am parenting on my own 😢 I thought it was supposed to be a joint thing.

@Oldlearner does he earn really good money though?

Sounds like a chef? @Oldlearner

In my own career I definitely valued (and still do) time over money,progression etc.No regrets.
I think with men you’ll find they do what they want,and won’t change, so best to find one who does already what suits you…

OP,
It suits him to not give you a set time, that keeps you stuck and responsible.

Because you are stuck and responsible you are always exactly where he wants you, at home looking after your children.

Of course he has core hours.
He is able to schedule sports and meet up with friends that he can commit to.

He just can't commit to anything that gives YOU a dependable time so that you can have 5 minutes to yourself.

Shame on you @Snoozer11 for being another poster who pushes back on an OP even expecting the very basics of respect from a man who has two children at home but thinks his downtime trumps EVERYTHING.

Utterly shameful.

OP, it is not unreasonable for you to have some downtime.

Do not allow misogynistic posters convince you otherwise.

Any half decent man would want to work with you so that you have a break from 24/7 childcare.

Any half decent man would want to work with you so that you have a break from 24/7 childcare.

I agree with this. You should have the opportunity to have a break too.

@StaceHu23 it's not a joint thing. You can't make him want to change. What I said upthread about how I left my ExH because he insisted on me changing jobs and working normal hours was not meant to tell you to accept the status quo or that you are unreasonable. My ExH was not unreasonable but neither was I. My point was people do what they want and no amount of threatening or discussions will change that. He's a shit dad. He doesn't value you or your time. And he knows it. You need to make decisions based on those facts.

@ForeverSingle881 if you had kids would you still work those really long hours? Or do you do it with kids?

I think if I wanted that life style I wouldn’t have bothered having kids if I’m honest. I do love being with them I just always thought parenting was 50/50..my MIL even said I bring them up on my own 🤷‍♀️

I don’t want to break up my family, am I ok to say this isn’t what I want? Even though I’m ‘supposed’ to just put up with it?

Sorry that didn’t make sense. I am seriously unhappy, I love him but I want more, I want to parent together. If I am on my own I won’t get as pissed off because there aren’t any expectations?

If there are two spaces in the week for a parent to step out to do their own hobbies then you get one each. He can't take both.

@Octomore

There are plenty of office based jobs where you have contracted hours of, say, 37.5hrs per week, but there is an expectation that you work whatever hours are required to deliver on your responsibilities. And in many cases this equates to an expectation that you work longer hours.

It's not unusual at all.

That's true but it's pretty toxic culture if he's consistently working from 7-7.30 or 7-5.30 for 50k, IMO

@StaceHu23

I don’t want to break up my family, am I ok to say this isn’t what I want? Even though I’m ‘supposed’ to just put up with it?

Of course you can say you don’t want it but you need to think about what you DO want and what you’ll do if he’s unwilling to change or make adjustments.

Also what can you outsource? Cleaner? Cook ready meals (these transformed my life)? Ironing service?

I found myself overwhelmed recently and the above was helpful for me.