To not want older children breathing and blowing raspberries in my babies face?

[UberUbers]

I'll be completely upfront, I feel a touch germ 'phobic' at the minute after just getting over my second bout of covid and a nasty bug a couple of weeks prior. My poor baby has had it all along with me.

I know 'germs are everywhere and can't be avoided, you can't wrap babies in cotton wool' yada yada, but I feel really uncomfortable with older children coming right up to his face and breathing on it / blowing raspberries, peppering hin with spittle.

I really don't like it and want to ask that it stops, but AIBU?

It's an enormous leap to say that op treats her sdcs as second rate. I have two dcs of my own and I'd probably tell them not to blow raspberries right at my (hypothetical) newborn's face.

So you’re accusing OP of lying about her own feelings then since she said that she didn’t/wouldn’t want anyone blowing raspberries in her baby’s face which is pretty reasonable

Exactly!

FWIW I've had to ask my DM not to kiss him on the lips before, because she gets coldsores.

Nobody would think me unreasonable in that scenario.

As soon as it's step children though.. they could have full blown flu and I'd be unreasonable to want then to keep their spittle away from babies face

The inability to draw healthy boundaries and feeling unable to ever speak out will only cause resentment later on down the line, before coming onto mumsnet I wouldn't have thought twice about gently raising something like this with children. Mumsnet is damaging.

Totally empathise with this and this is why I was trying to tone down some of the language on here earlier. It is not like this irl. Mumsnetters on both sides of this stepmum / mum divide are a lot more extreme than anyone I've ever met irl. It is damaging damaging we all could probably tone it down a lot.

I'll get accused of thread policing, but I don't really give a fuck tbh, because there are real people getting upset on here and people popping up to get a pop in at the other side every fucking time need to stfu really

Absolutely. I think some people clearly have an agenda, to have a pop at their least favourite demographic (in this case, step mum's)

I will say though it's not exclusive to step mums, blokes tend to get a raw deal too. I've seen male posters get shitty rude comments just for offering their reasonable (in most cases) POV.

There's one poster in particular that springs to mind who seems to have a problem with men. Whenever somebody posts about a minor disagreement or issue with their husband the first thing this poster will do is tell them that they would leave him, the poster would be better off on their own, along with a scathing character assassination of the DH based on a few short posts.. nowhere near enough information to justify jumping to the insults thrown about. It's shocking.

I will make sure to let my stepmother friends, and male friends, know to avoid mumsnet at all costs

You breathe near someone’s face when you cuddle them.
It is inevitable close contact will lead to breathing near someone’s face

FWIW I've had to ask my DM not to kiss him on the lips before, because she gets coldsores.

That’s ridiculous. My FIL gets cold sores and knows not to kiss babies on the lips. I swear some people lose sense when it comes to babies. I remember when my sister was born (I was six) being told by my dad (manages a health clinic) to be gentle and to keep kisses away from the eyes and mouth because babies could get sick and they weren’t as strong as me yet. I’m in my 30s.

@UberUbers

Absolutely. I think some people clearly have an agenda, to have a pop at their least favourite demographic (in this case, step mum's)

I will say though it's not exclusive to step mums, blokes tend to get a raw deal too. I've seen male posters get shitty rude comments just for offering their reasonable (in most cases) POV.

There's one poster in particular that springs to mind who seems to have a problem with men. Whenever somebody posts about a minor disagreement or issue with their husband the first thing this poster will do is tell them that they would leave him, the poster would be better off on their own, along with a scathing character assassination of the DH based on a few short posts.. nowhere near enough information to justify jumping to the insults thrown about. It's shocking.

I will make sure to let my stepmother friends, and male friends, know to avoid mumsnet at all costs

You need a rhino hide for sure. However, I still love it (why, I don't know). I've just been here long enough to just roll my eyes and move on when someone is being a tit. Or sometimes take a break entirely

They are siblings.... you are being ridiculous

Good grief

People that don't have anxieties around this sort of thing will never understand.

It's perfectly possible to understand but still disagree. It's also possible to have those kinds of anxieties yourself, while still recognising that they may have potentially undesirable effects on your dc if you allow them to dominate the way you bring them up.

I've read the thread back and wow I feel gaslighted.

I retract my previous comment about accepting that I'm unreasonable, I'm not unreasonable at all. I wasnt feeling very strong yesterday and didnt want to be dragged into a row over this subject but I'm over it. I'm not taking that from strangers on the Internet.

How am I unreasonable for not wanting spit on my babies face. I'm not.

Thank you to the posters who've come on and highlighted how batshit some of these replies are.

Remember, gaslighting somebody is abusive

People disagreeing with you doesn’t equal gaslighting.

If only posters who agreed with you were allowed to post I’m not really sure what the point is of asking a question?

I stand by what I said. I think it would be extremely rare a mother of two children who are biologically hers wouldn’t stop one breathing near the others face.
Blowing raspberries is different as that’s not something all families would do. But breathing. No you don’t generally see mums stopping cuddles or siblings ‘breathing near each other’.

most families encourage siblings to cuddle as this is part of bonding.

It’s up to you what you do make your own choices no one here says you have to do anything. But you can’t ask a question and invite responses if you only want a certain kind of response.

No no no, I'm not saying people can't disagree.

However that's only their opinion, it's not fact as it's being delivered as.

I'm being told I am ridiculous, need to get a grip, nobody else would have a problem with it, I need CBT, I'm treating them like second class citizens.

That's the sort of stuff people say to shoot somebody down and make them be quiet.

You can disagree with somebody and tell them you think they're being unreasonable, without trying to twist reality and paint them as a bad person.

You don't even need to defend yourself op. Anyone who reads the thread can see you haven't objected to people simply disagreeing with you at all.

@PenelopePufferfish

You don't even need to defend yourself op. Anyone who reads the thread can see you haven't objected to people simply disagreeing with you at all.

Thank you ❤️

The fact that you’re a step parent is totally irrelevant.
It’s understandable that post covid you might be worried about germs. However it can be really detrimental to development. Barring newborns and immune compromised and special circumstances I really don’t think it does the child any favours to have a germ phobic parent. Normal interaction is faces close to and breathing on babies as they love to watch close up and depending on age can’t see that well. Them copying blowing raspberries helps speech development. When babies are a few months old they slobber all over each other and share slobbery toys. When they start to crawl they put everything in their mouth. When babies kiss others it’s often a slobbery open mouthed kiss. You haven’t said how old your baby is, but this is all normal and important for normal development. If the sc are doing one thing that is disgusting fine tell them, redirect the rasperries to babies hand/ tummy etc. But splitting up healthy children, constantly anti bacing hands etc is not good for normal development so if you do have a fear of germs I’d really urge you to address it now

In my opinion telling an older sibling they can’t breathe near babies face is treating them as second class and excluding them. From bonding, from being part of the family. It may make them feel on edge and may prevent a natural sibling bond.

In my opinion blowing raspberries is not necessary for bonding, i personally think that behaviour can be stopped with little impact.

In my opinion a mother of two biological children would not stop siblings breathing near each other’s faces, or having very close contact that means the may breathe on each other. I’ve never heard of this.

All my opinion. No facts, it’s just what I think. But I thought it was obvious it was my opinion.

@BungleandGeorge

The fact that you’re a step parent is totally irrelevant. It’s understandable that post covid you might be worried about germs. However it can be really detrimental to development. Barring newborns and immune compromised and special circumstances I really don’t think it does the child any favours to have a germ phobic parent. Normal interaction is faces close to and breathing on babies as they love to watch close up and depending on age can’t see that well. Them copying blowing raspberries helps speech development. When babies are a few months old they slobber all over each other and share slobbery toys. When they start to crawl they put everything in their mouth. When babies kiss others it’s often a slobbery open mouthed kiss. You haven’t said how old your baby is, but this is all normal and important for normal development. If the sc are doing one thing that is disgusting fine tell them, redirect the rasperries to babies hand/ tummy etc. But splitting up healthy children, constantly anti bacing hands etc is not good for normal development so if you do have a fear of germs I’d really urge you to address it now

I don't have a fear of germs to the extent that it gets in the way of everyday life and I'm not constantly anti bac-ing hands.

I am, admittedly, keen to avoid picking up anymore bugs right now. It wasn't nice seeing baby so poorly, and he really was suffering.

By the same token I'm aware germs are everywhere and you can't avoid them completely so I don't take any draconian measures like spraying everything within sight or making sure I'm 2m away from people at all times.

I don't police hugs or anything like that. Yes bugs can be passed on by hugs but that's not as likely as raspberries in the face.

I'll accept that the breathing part sounded OTT on my part, I was lumping that in with the raspberries as that's the only time they really go face to face with him like that - noses together.

PP got it right in that I was getting a bit overly anxious because I had let the raspberries thing go unaddressed and as such the issue was getting bigger than it needed to be (and that's why people shouldn't be so quick to label people as evil step mothers by default because then we feel unable to address something that should be easily nipped in the bud before it escalates)

The fact that you’re a step parent is totally irrelevant.

It really isn’t. We all know we behave differently to some degree with first babies to subsequent ones. It’s @UberUbers‘ first baby that was born in the midst of a pandemic. Most of us have zero experience of that and we have no idea how anxious we’d be in those circumstances. Cut the woman some slack and stop bullying her.

@UberUbers

I don't want them to stay away from him at all, surely they can interact and play with him without covering his face in spit though.

Please don't make out I'm trying to keep them away from him.

So tell them not to do it?

I think YABU and others have said the same but if you don't agree, your baby, your rules etc. Tell them to back off.

But your OP did make it sound like a load of random, smelly, snotty kids were gobbing all over your baby as opposed to him being kissed by his siblings.

But your OP did make it sound like a load of random, smelly, snotty kids were gobbing all over your baby as opposed to him being kissed by his siblings.

I disagree, I thought it would be obvious that it was about family. It doesn't matter if they're my biological children, step children or nieces because my feelings would be the same regardless. I wish I hadn't added the 'step' part, I'm sure the responses would have been much less scathing. Adding 'step' before anything always sets the tone on a downward trajectory IME.

Also, where did 'smelly' come from? I haven't said such a thing.

OP I'm a stepmum and I know MN isn't very SM friendly but I think YABU. They are your baby's siblings and it's normal to interact closely.

And it's weird how you say "older children" in your OP as if they're just children you don't know!