To not want older children breathing and blowing raspberries in my babies face?

[UberUbers]

I'll be completely upfront, I feel a touch germ 'phobic' at the minute after just getting over my second bout of covid and a nasty bug a couple of weeks prior. My poor baby has had it all along with me.

I know 'germs are everywhere and can't be avoided, you can't wrap babies in cotton wool' yada yada, but I feel really uncomfortable with older children coming right up to his face and breathing on it / blowing raspberries, peppering hin with spittle.

I really don't like it and want to ask that it stops, but AIBU?

I feel your germ phobia doesn’t automatically “trump” your SC right not to feel like lepers/unclean etc
This really is what the pandemic has done to us. I have an in law who feels they have anxiety due to the pandemic. They treated me (as I live in a poorer area and had to work 🙄) appallingly in the name of their anxiety.
I was sympathetic to them but they certainly weren’t to me.

Your step children could be feeling incredibly down by you viewing them as unclean. Just something to think about

Whatever about blowing raspberries but fucking BREATHING?????? You don't want his SIBLINGS breathing on him. Cop yourself on.

I feel your germ phobia doesn’t automatically “trump” your SC right not to feel like lepers/unclean etc

Absolutely this

It might be better that the baby picks up lots of germs now and gets a lovely robust immune system so they’re made of steel once they hit school, vs constantly being off and poorly.

I know what you mean, though: some kids are gross and don’t know the difference between a funny raspberry and a spitty one. I don’t think you you can do much about it, though: they’re siblings. And if the baby is giggling away and bonding with them, and they love their new sibling, ultimately that’s a wonderful thing.

@Sirzy

You can’t ask siblings to keep their distance when playing with the baby.

This.

I suspect if they were your own biological children you would feel differently about it.

I remember watching my 9 month old nephew lick the wheels of my newborns pram and quickly realised that as much as we try to protect our kids from 'germs' they will still come into contact with them no matter how hard you try.

The unfortunate thing with older siblings is that this is just what happens - the benefit is that when your baby goes to nursery/school her immunity will already be good.

I would encourage them to wash hands before playing with baby - you can say no raspberries in the face (for anyone) if you want but of course you can't stop them from breathing near the baby or hugging/playing with her - that's hugely unreasonable (I suspect you know that and that's why you don't want to say anything).

The question is why don’t you feel able to ask them not to blow raspberries in his face? Does your DH make you feel guilty?

He certainly wouldn't mean to, but I'm worried it would make him sad and he might think I'm being unkind.

Also, coincidentally, due to the fact I've been on mumsnet for too long and know how step mothers are viewed and treated. I'm constantly trying not to be 'that' step mum so I let lots of things go unaddressed, things that I would have no problem mentioning if they were my own.

Like PP, there are some minor issues with them not washing their hands after picking their nose / scratching their bum / sneezing into their hand etc. The eldest gets nose bleeds and doesn't clean his nose up properly afterwards.

The above is all to be expected with kids, I don't think they're abnormally dirty, just normal kids, but of course my instinct is to want to protect my baby from germs if avoidable.

That’s what siblings do though. Have done since the dawn of time.

I feel like mumsnet actually does step mothers a disservice most of the time (not discounting all of the very sensible and supportive posts above, who may not necessarily agree with me but have been tactful about how that's conveyed)

You don't see prospective adopters, step dad's or other extended family members being grilled and bashed the way step mothers do. Funny that, innit?

Like PP, there are some minor issues with them not washing their hands after picking their nose / scratching their bum / sneezing into their hand etc. The eldest gets nose bleeds and doesn't clean his nose up properly afterwards.

Like you say, that’s all kids though and always has been, and again even with this standard childhood grottiness, this is what siblings have always done. A good sibling bond, with which this stuff is standard and normal, is much more important than the sharing of germs here and there.

@HoppingPavlova

Like PP, there are some minor issues with them not washing their hands after picking their nose / scratching their bum / sneezing into their hand etc. The eldest gets nose bleeds and doesn't clean his nose up properly afterwards.

Like you say, that’s all kids though and always has been, and again even with this standard childhood grottiness, this is what siblings have always done. A good sibling bond, with which this stuff is standard and normal, is much more important than the sharing of germs here and there.

I can understand where you're coming from, I really can, it just sets me on edge.

I was never bothered about she sharing of colds and whatnot before covid and having baby, I'm suddenly alot more aware of (yes mostly run of the mill) bugs and viruses these days.

We've spent weeks upon weeks ill either back to back bugs, me being confined to my bed for a chunk of that and baby refusing feeds. Lost money. It has all been really stressful and my instincts are urging me to want to avoid any more of the same.

They’ll also be dragged around not in the fashion you would transport them, bounced off lounges, trod on and tripped over here and there by siblings. All standard stuff and normal, babies and toddlers are actually pretty tough as evolution has made them that way to cope with pesky siblings. Even with all that babies/toddlers much prefer siblings to parents, they are like hero’s/gods to them whereas parents are just background drudge scenery who pop food in and clean food out.

I would encourage them to wash hands before playing with baby - you can say no raspberries in the face (for anyone) if you want but of course you can't stop them from breathing near the baby or hugging/playing with her - that's hugely unreasonable (I suspect you know that and that's why you don't want to say anything).

I think that she has held her tongue so long about blowing raspberries in her baby’s face that it has upped her anxiety and has moved it to add breathing on her baby. I agree that the breathing bit is unreasonable but I bet if she talked to her DH about the kids not doing the raspberries in the baby’s face or even suggesting doing it in safer areas like the insides of the arms, belly then that would probably lower her anxiety around it while still having some sibling bonding.

My sister and I never blew raspberries at each other’s faces and my sons don’t either but doing them away from the face was allowed. When it’s in the face, it’s not that different from sneezing in someone’s face and most people don’t enjoy that including children, accident or not. 10+ yo is more than old enough not to only not be doing these things but to understand why.

I suspect that every (non-step) mother on here would happily, and without even thinking about it, say "careful darling, try not to let your spit get on the baby's face while you're making her giggle". And I bet some of the people laying into OP have said similar to their own children.

I'm not remotely germ phobic, but I think it's absolutely fine for you to not want spit on your baby's face, OP. And I can't think of any reason why your DH or step kids would give a second thought to you saying the above in a natural and warm way.

I think that she has held her tongue so long about blowing raspberries in her baby’s face that it has upped her anxiety and has moved it to add breathing on her baby. I agree that the breathing bit is unreasonable but I bet if she talked to her DH about the kids not doing the raspberries in the baby’s face or even suggesting doing it in safer areas like the insides of the arms, belly then that would probably lower her anxiety around it while still having some sibling bonding

You have hit the nail on the head, are you a psychologist?

Thank you to you, and other posters, who get it and understand my POV. It means alot.

I can't think of any reason why your DH or step kids would give a second thought to you saying the above in a natural and warm way.

On a logical level I feel that's the case and no offence need be taken, I'm just hyper aware of my role as a SM and how any minor thing can make me look awful (atleast on mumsnet) so I choose to say nothing, and the anxiety just gets worse.

Jesus. Only on mumsnet would it be suggested she has CBT because she doesn't want spit on her babies face. Insanity.

I have a toddler and a baby and I try to teach the toddler reasonable hygiene round the baby. It is difficult though and the baby regularly gets sloppy open-mouth snotty kisses - I don’t want to tell him not to kiss his brother.

On balance I’m saying YABU because your baby will be fine, all younger siblings get this, and it’s probably good for the baby in the long run, but I do think it’s absolutely fine to try and gently set some rules around hygiene etc.

You have hit the nail on the head, are you a psychologist?

Just an observation from what you have written.

I also wouldn’t take much of MN too seriously. There is some helpful and useful advice but quite a bit posted here doesn’t reflect the real world for many posters outside of MN and there is often a lot of projection due to other posters’ own issues which is normal for a site such as this. It will have you thinking you’ve hurt someone or seeing intentional slights when there aren’t any if you’re on here long enough and this has been said by previous posters.

Yep. I'm just a grandmother and a MIL, but Mumsnet has made paranoid about my roles. Sometimes I'll check with my DD about whether I should do something, or apologise to her because I might have overstepped when it comes to my DGD, and she looks at me as if I'm mad! It turns out that in the real world, newish mums aren't remotely as easily annoyed by the grandparents as MN would make you think! My son in law seems remarkably chilled around me too.

Your fear of ‘germs’ isn’t proportional, I think you really need to get some help with overcoming it. How old is your baby? What happens when they’re crawling and putting everything in their mouth, going to nursery?

You don't need to accept YABU because of people on here OP, people on here lack perspective when SC are involved.

I was going to ask how old they are and I see they are over 10. In that case YANBU at all. It's perfectly reasonable to teach children that age about germs and ask them, nicely, not to blow raspberries and get spit in people's faces. I've already had this conversation with my 8 year old SS, it's no big deal at all. Doesn't mean they can't still play with them, just means they're learning a bit of consideration.

On a logical level I feel that's the case and no offence need be taken, I'm just hyper aware of my role as a SM and how any minor thing can make me look awful (atleast on mumsnet) so I choose to say nothing, and the anxiety just gets worse.

And this is what is so toxic about MN. You should not be riddled with anxiety because of what people on MN think about step parents, they'd have you believe absolutely everything you say and do is evil, you will never please people on here. Use your own judgment - you KNOW deep down that minor things like teaching teenagers about germs is NOT awful. Don't internalize the extreme nonsense you see on here.

They are siblings engaging in normal loving, bonding behaviour.

I agree about mumsnet. If you're a step mother doing anything other than gushing about how lucky you are to have DSC and how amazing their mother is then you're not particularly welcome here.

About the raspberries, it's not even as though baby particularly enjoys it. He's indifferent. He doesnt laugh. They just enjoy it because he's got big fat squishy cheeks

@aSofaNearYou

On a logical level I feel that's the case and no offence need be taken, I'm just hyper aware of my role as a SM and how any minor thing can make me look awful (atleast on mumsnet) so I choose to say nothing, and the anxiety just gets worse.

And this is what is so toxic about MN. You should not be riddled with anxiety because of what people on MN think about step parents, they'd have you believe absolutely everything you say and do is evil, you will never please people on here. Use your own judgment - you KNOW deep down that minor things like teaching teenagers about germs is NOT awful. Don't internalize the extreme nonsense you see on here.

This is completely hyperbolic and counterproductive (and I'm a stepmother myself). I know you're trying to be nice.

Some of the comments on this thread have been utter bollocks obviously though.