Picking up niece from school

[archetypes]

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

Shes totally out of order
She sees you as unpaid help you need to redefine your role with them

I'd offer to do it for a week or 2 after the birth.

After that, SIL and your DB in the same position as every family with a newborn and older children; both parents have to step up and get themselves organised.

I just can't see why she has gone on to have another child. Or in fact, any at all. Imagine being too tired and busy with the new baby, how's that going to make your niece feel as she starts school?

Seriously hoping it's just the hormones talking but after the ride she's taken you on all this time OP I'm not sure it is.

Her expectations are laughable and as for getting angry when you declined!

DS was born at the end of August and I remember taking DD to nursery in a daze for the first few weeks, but I just did it, I had to. She loved her nursery and I wasn’t going to deprive her of her friends, because I was exhausted.
As PP’s have said, you’ve done so much for them that it’s become an expectation. Time to back off and let them do their own parenting!

She’s probably worried how she’ll cope and it’s all come out wrong.

Many of us have done the school run with young child and newborn (myself included, as a lone parent) it’s just another new skill she’ll get to grips with.

Maybe despite her rudeness just hold an olive branch out and explain that you’re happy to help out for a few weeks after baby is born, but then she will have to find a way to cope herself. She has a husband after all who could help with some childcare.

@archetypes

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years (obviously for free)I know it might sound selfish but I’m looking forward to coming home and just having my own children for one year, I’ll be picking my niece up after her Mat leave finishes, and I’ll help out if there’s sickness or whatever but I feel taken advantage of. I babysit and take my niece out all the time, even on weekends and not once have they had my children.

They're already taking advantage. I'd be telling them you're not doing this, anymore except in emergencies. It really wouldn't surprise me reading this id once SIL goes back to work they expect you to pick up the baby from nursery too. Mat leave is a good circuit breaker, gives them time to make arrangements that don't involve taking advantage of you. when SIL is on mat leave is

No for a year is silly- odd occasion different

Do you really mean to say money is tight for you, but you’ve been doing free childcare for THREE YEARS, while they are well off (partly because they earn money while you look after their dc) , no thanks or appreciation and they’ve never had your dc, and your sil is mad you aren’t going to do school runs for her all year she’s on mat leave? Fuck her and fuck him, please do not go back to this arrangement. Say moneys tight and I’m trying to retrain, I can’t take on any extra children. But I’m thinking of doing wrap around care since that’s what I’m trained in, so I’ll tell you if I’m offering childcare places. By the way Dh and I are out Saturday, would you be able to look after our dc for us?
I work ft, my dc are in nursery and wrap around care, I don’t have any handy slaves around that I don’t have to pay or even thank, unlike your sil. Although currently I’m on maternity leave so I take my oldest dc to school and collect him each day, because he’s my child??! i have the middle one in childcare 3 days to give me some time alone with rhe now 7 week old baby, so that’s quite a privileged set up really.Unbelievable entitlement. In an ideal world you’d say to her I don’t understand why you’re having a second if you think you can only ever parent one at a time. And her Dh (I assume your brother?) is just as bad- call him up and say no I’m not your on cal childcare, 3 years I’ve done this while you two rake it in and dh and I are short on money, and never a thank you, never an invitation for our dc, I’m done being an unappreciated mug and you two can parent your own children.

Dd 1 school when dd 2 was a newborn. Apart from the first couple of weeks (I had an emergency section) I managed the school run just fine! She will just have to fit naps/feeds around it, like lots of others do.
I would probably offer to help for the first couple of weeks, but wouldn't carry on after that, unless like others have said, she offers to share the pick ups with you. She sounds very entitled!

@archetypes

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years (obviously for free)I know it might sound selfish but I’m looking forward to coming home and just having my own children for one year, I’ll be picking my niece up after her Mat leave finishes, and I’ll help out if there’s sickness or whatever but I feel taken advantage of. I babysit and take my niece out all the time, even on weekends and not once have they had my children.

I would pull her up on the fact shes never had your kids? Tell her it feels very one way. Ask her how she would feel if it was reversed and she had your kid every single day whilst you never returned the favour. Either way I wouldnt do it.

Sorry but they truly think you being a SAHM means your doing nothing else and you owe them. You have been treated as a mug, Have they paid you anything or even thanked you for all the years you provided free help? I wouldnt be offering any help as your brother is a parent too and he can take his own DC to bloody school after she has the baby. You need to grow a backbone, stop being a people pleaser and maintain your current position.

YANBU OP, she's taking the piss. She chose to have two children, this is part and parcel of having them. You are not her unpaid childminder, and you're a SAHM for your children, not hers. She can get off her ass and do it herself. Focus on you and your family, from what I read so far, she doesn't seem to offer you any help.

Has there really not been any kind of reciprocity or renumeration for all you have done??

I am as astounded as most on here. This is one of those threads that make me question it's authenticity. I don't doubt you OP, but I am stunned that you have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of so spectacularly.

You have saved them a significant amount of money, meanwhile you are struggling yourself. Your brother is shameful for allowing your good nature to be exploited in this way... all the while banking every minute of your good will.

In your shoes I would calculate exactly what they would have paid out so far by using a paid child minder. I would also be prepared to fall out with them if they don't not only come back with an apology for all their piss taking, but OFFER to pay you for every hour of your time going forward.

BOTH are first class cheeky fuckers.

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

Pisstakers, the two of them.

You're financially struggling, and they're merrily having you as their unpaid childminder providing wrap around care while they're mortgage free, have savings and a second home. How lovely for them.

They should be paying you ... no wonder they have so much money and you don't. You're working for them for free!

You're financially struggling while they use you for free childcare every weekday afternoon for over 3 years and now SIL is angry you won't do the school run while she's on Mat leave? I can't imagine ever doing that to someone, if my SIL, who I don't particularly like did childcare for us in this situation I would be insisting on paying and happy she could be with a trusted Aunt. This is so wrong. Tell them your done, that once Mat leave starts the only after school childcare and as of now the only evening childcare will be either reciprocal or paid. They're users, both of them.

Do you really mean to say money is tight for you, but you’ve been doing free childcare for THREE YEARS, while they are well off (partly because they earn money while you look after their dc) , no thanks or appreciation and they’ve never had your dc, and your sil is mad you aren’t going to do school runs for her all year she’s on mat leave?

This. Just why?!

Well she’s fucked up hasn’t she!
Having a pop at someone who does you massive favours is not wise.

You don’t have to make any excuses, like setting up a new business etc. “ I don’t want to” is good enough.

The sad thing is this could have been a lovely set up. Both families able to help each other out occasionally and cousins spending time together.

But they’ve selfishly taken the piss and now it’s come back to bite them on the arse.

Don’t feel guilty. Enjoy the time you have with your children. Perhaps help them out occasionally if they can be gracious about it.

Oh dear OP, it really is astonishing that you've allowed yourself to be free childcare for them for years and struggled financially, while they've merrily feathered their own nest (or nests in fact!) and never offered anything back in the way of payment or reciprocal childcare.

I know they're 'family' but that doesn't stop them from being users. It sounds like you've allowed yourself to be used so much that it's now expected and taken for granted. Your SIL has shown her true colours now. How utterly horrible, hurtful and demeaning to you.

I'd take this as the start of a new chapter. You don't exist for their convenience and to be a free nanny to your brother's DC. You have your own DC and your own financial welfare to consider. What if you want/need to go back to work at some point? What if you want to look into child-minding? Will your hugely entitled border and SIL still expect you to figure in the care of their DC? Your love, support and time have been massively taken for granted and used to prop up their working lives. Grab onto your self respect OP and draw a line in the sand, no more! You sound lovely and they seem to be massive CFs.

I think it's time your SIL hired a nanny to collect her daughter to collect both their daughter and your children and then look after them for the next 3 years.

I cannot believe you have been taking care of their child for free and for years. You are being taken advantage of.

The child has a father who should be stepping up to help with school drop-offs/collecting if the mother is too delicate to do so. Good grief! Many millions of women cope with school runs and newborns because they have to. I may have considered helping for the first few weeks, but certainly not after the SIL's presumptiousness (is that word?). Don't do it OP!

They are users who are saving their money off of your back while you struggle along with your own finances and with managing your own children when your husband is out of town. They have no respect for you or your time. Why are you allowing this?

So you have been picking up your niece from nursery and looking after her for hours every weekday evening for three years . Your SIL has not paid you anything for petrol or food. Your husband works away part of the week and you live further from the school than your sister in law. You babysit your niece at other times as well. She has never returned the favour by having your children or taking them anywhere. She now wants you to take your niece to school every morning so she doesn't have to rush to get her daughter to a school a five minute walk away for her and for you to bring her daughter home as well. Meanwhile she has been able to do very well for herself with both of them working and you scrimping along doing her childcare for free because you chose to stay at home. Remember you chose to stay at home and have less money for your children, not for her children.

Most people who were taking advantage of you would feel ashamed enough to offer to pay something but not your SIL - the one with the paid off house and the holiday home. Instead she shrieks at you like a banshee about when she is going to get a rest - more to the point when are you going to get a rest.

I am so angry on your behalf. Do tell her that the nursery arrangement is off or you'll find yourself picking up your niece and the baby sibling and looking after them every week day for the next three years, no more free babysitting (you always have something on when she asks), and as for delivering your niece to school (which I assume is 20 minutes by car for you?) and dropping her back every school night for a year I would simply refuse to do it. I'd set up in business and charge but I'd avoid having your SIL as a client as she is obviously got the idea that you are her unpaid skivvy. I'm amazed your husband hasn't said something about his sister (I assume it's his sister or at least his brother's wife) taking such advantage of you.

tell her you've decided to offer your services more widely as an after school child minder, would she care to provide references since she's benefited for the last three years.
She could have mates rates, £5 general public, £8 to her.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. They have come to expect free childcare but that’s their mistake. Your reasons for not doing it are sound. You have more than done your bit already. Say no and let her stew. She’ll get over it…and if she doesn’t she’s no loss anyway. Who wants to be in a servile relationship with their sil?

So you have been giving free childcare for years, worth thousands to family that are morgage free with a second home?

When you could have been contributing to your family's finances?

Instead you have allowed yourself to be a free chilminder?

Unbelievable.

Your poor husband working away and you think so little of your own family you would allow yourself be used for years?

And your excuse is you like people pleasing?

Not your husband or your own family, where the money was needed?

But your wealthy brother and his wife.

Your brother is a user but honestly OP you really can't be so silly as to not see how utterly ridiculous it is to give free childcare to wealthy people when money is tight for your own family?

Your husband carries all the financial load while you give free childcare to your wealthy brother?

I feel so sorry for your husband and children.

You clearly put YOUR needs ahead of what is best for YOUR family.

And the result and thanks for it....?

Your SIL screeching down the phone at you🙄

They haven't an ounce of respect for you and I don't blame them.

You can't have an ounce of respect for yourself, your husband, your own family to have provided free childcare to your wealthy brother for years.🙄

Unbelievable.