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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up niece from school

253 replies

archetypes · 07/04/2022 19:28

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
Nanasueathome · 08/04/2022 09:00

Be interesting to find out what will happen when SIL returns to work after ML
who will look after the baby?

Nothappyatwork · 08/04/2022 09:04

I would register as a Childminder and charge them, As you say they’ve basically lined their pockets at your expense it’s about time they started to chip in

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 08/04/2022 09:06

"That's fine. As a professional, experienced childcarer my fee is £15 per hour, plus petrol for school runs. Do you want to set up a standing order? Don't forget you'll need to register as an employer too."

Or alternatively, tell the cheeky bitch to piss right off.

Beseen22 · 08/04/2022 09:07

@Brefugee

But she's not going to be working, she's on maternity leave. Can totally respect that she can't pick her child up if she's working until 5pm every day. And she doesn't seem to think that picking up her child every day is her job. And doesn't seem to want to.

I've got a friend that I split pick ups with when we work or have things on and we do not for a second mind getting each others kids. But it goes both ways. If it was all one sided I'd put a stop to it in a second.

The baby gets shoved in a pram and dragged on the school run once mum has recovered from birth. In its pjs if required!

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 09:08

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about

Maybe you should be bitter about it! I don’t understand why you have acted like such a doormat to them when you are struggling for money?!

They sure as hell won’t be offering to pay your mortgage when they are happily retired!

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/04/2022 09:12

Crack of dawn Grin. Does your sister have a job? Has she ever had a job? Has she ever seen the crack of dawn?! No way would l be getting involved. I’m not sure where to start with this. In short she is lazy, selfish and entitled

IncompleteSenten · 08/04/2022 09:12

Not only would I not be doing the school runs, I'd be stopping the childcare and asking her when's the last time she helped me out!

Some people just demand more and more and more. However much you help her it will never be appreciated and she will always feel entitled to more.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 09:13

@NorthSouthcatlady

Crack of dawn Grin. Does your sister have a job? Has she ever had a job? Has she ever seen the crack of dawn?! No way would l be getting involved. I’m not sure where to start with this. In short she is lazy, selfish and entitled
The whole point of the OP’s post is that the SIL is on maternity leave from her job. The posts say SIL works full time.
notacooldad · 08/04/2022 09:13

I would ga e handled it different rather than giving g a hard no for the sake of family relations.

PineappleWilson · 08/04/2022 09:20

DD was a July baby. I walked older DS to school in the September, having been up with baby continually from 12.45am (feeding issue). No-one else was magically going to appear to take him to school. You get on with it, however dead on your feet you are.

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/04/2022 09:22

@Shinyandnew1 l hadn’t read the updates when l wrote my comment. Whether she works or doesn’t is a red herring in my eyes. SIL is trying to make her sister do something, her or her husband should be doing. The fact her sister is a SAHM is neither here nor there, lm assuming she does that to care for her own children rather than do tasks her sister doesn’t want to do. I’m impressed at the gall of the nursery runs

SleepingStandingUp · 08/04/2022 09:27

I understand why you'd assume you wouldn't be doing it long term but it sounds like you assume you will no longer help from the minute she gives birth which is quite harsh. I'd offer to help put for the first few weeks until she's in a routine, then maybe park at hers and all walk in together for a few weeks.

If you're tight on money I think you need to look at asking them to pay you for childcare. Will you be having new baby too

Quartz2208 · 08/04/2022 09:31

If you youngest is at school and she is on maternity leave surely this is the time to get yourself sorted. I would say you are ideally placed to find something or become a childminder.

Simply say to them that you are starting this process and the maternity leave is a good time for them to sort out childcare for when she returns.

TheOrigRights · 08/04/2022 09:37

My immediate feeling was that your SIL has a very negative view of how being a parent of 2 children will be.
Of course I understand she might not know whether she's coming or going in the first few weeks, but from then on it's about getting into a new routine as a family and I don't know.....enjoying it?!

I loved my Mat leave with my second far more than my first. I'd already made the huge adjustment to being a Mother. Getting DS2 into a routine by needing to do the school run was a positive thing, and I enjoying taking my new son up to the school.

Was this second child planned?

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 08/04/2022 09:38

Tell her a ndn ahs reported you to the council. You are registering as a cm and will charge her accordingly..

quiteathome · 08/04/2022 09:39

Second babies just have to fit in with whatever is going on.

Well done for saying no.

Have they ever offered anything in return? For example have you ever had a holiday in their second home.

But I would definitely consider registering as a childminder or something. Good ones are like gold dust.

She needs to either do it herself or pay someone, you have done way more than most relatives already.

Sally872 · 08/04/2022 09:41

They can afford childcare so stop doing it altogether or set boundaries on what you can do eg 2 after schools per week or whatever you will find enjoyable.

As for mat leave SIL is very unreasonable to ask. I would not mind a last min phone call once in a while saying baby still feeding please can I pick up but not routinely every day. Often a five min walk and chat with some school mums might be quite enjoyable on mat leave.

Kennykenkencat · 08/04/2022 09:45

@notacooldad

I would ga e handled it different rather than giving g a hard no for the sake of family relations.
The problem is if you don’t say no and mean it they will think it is ok to treat you like a mug.

If family relations mean you are the unpaid staff to be handed stuff to do whilst they go off to earn money then I wouldn’t be part of that family.

For the sake of family relations why can’t the db and sil put their hands in their pocket and start paying the going rate and look after their own children.

CaveMum · 08/04/2022 09:45

Time to grow a backbone! Ok you’re a SAHM but they are taking the piss! As another poster said, they say you as free labour, time to put your big girl pants on and put yourself and your children first.

I can’t pick my kids up from school at 3.15 due to work, so I use the after school club - your BIL and SIL are free to do the same for their child!

Beamur · 08/04/2022 09:51

Well done you for standing your ground. I think your SIL has got used to you being her unpaid nanny and was expecting the service to continue whilst she was on maternity leave.
Enjoy the time with your own child while it lasts.
I can't really understand the mentality of not wanting to use this time to actually pick her own child up while she can.

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2022 09:53

I can understand why your sil thinks you’d do this, you’ve done it for the past three years, why would you suddenly stop? Did you not have a conversation leading up to this? I think she’s a cf, personally, and will potentially wreck your relationship due to this.

Honestly, I echo everyone else, get registered, get paid for doing it!

RaleighDurham · 08/04/2022 09:53

Even if you were to do this whilst she's on maternity leave (DON'T!!), how could you be sure she wouldn't expect you to do it even further beyond, when she's back at work?

GoodSoup · 08/04/2022 09:54

Your ‘loving to please people’ is your downfall here. They’re treating you like a mug.

nettie434 · 08/04/2022 09:57

I used to pick up my nephews from school when they were young. thought I did a lot until I read this. As you point out, your brother and sister in law would have paid out a lot if they'd had to use a childminder to do this 5 days a week.

Your sister in laws's reaction when you said you can't do it is very telling. You have already been a good aunt to your niece. It was unreasonable to expect you to continue to do this when she goes on maternity leave.

What do you think of the suggestions to do paid child minding for other parents? It's the obvious suggestion if money is tight and your husband is away for work part of the time.

Rosehugger · 08/04/2022 09:57

How on earth does she think the rest of the world manages once you have more than one child? My SIL and I have DC the same age and we support one another, but either of us would scoff at such a request. Plus what is her partner doing in all this?

IME second DC just have to fit in with the school run and you fit their routine around it.