Picking up niece from school

[archetypes]

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP your SIL is taking the piss. For a start, she should be paying you for any regular childcare while she’s working.

If she hadn’t had been so presumptuous, I’d have offered to do some school runs in the early days or if she’d had a bad night etc but tbh I’d just leave her to it.

How on Earth does she think everyone else manages it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve come across this type before, they’re very good at getting everyone rallying around to help so they can further their career, but can’t afford to pay properly then before you know it they’ve bought a new car, payed off their mortgage, then moved to a bigger house 😯

it sounds like you assume you will no longer help from the minute she gives birth which is quite harsh

but screaming at someone who has given you free childcare for 3 years is ok?

OP. Time to say no. And also if you enjoy the work, why not set up as a childminder, you could give SIL 10% family discount and still be getting more from her than you do now.

You only need to it for a few year to make a bit of money and since there is such a dearth of childcare you could possibly get away with only covering half the school holidays.

I think the issue is that you've been feeling taken advantage of for a while. And getting more and more resentful as a result. Meanwhile, SIL thinks that everything is fine and that you love having niece and that everything is fine. Truthfully, she has absolutely been a CF but you have to take a tiny bit of responsibility for not saying at some point, "look, this every day after school thing is tricky, especially as money is tight, can we discuss it."

You were 100% right to say no to the new ask, and she was 100% wrong to go off at you. But better comms upfront would have helped.

Is there a possibility of speaking to or emailing your brother and SIL and explaining that it's just too much and then either laying out what you ARE willing to do or what you are willing to do if they pay you?

It would be great if you could offer for a couple weeks then just suggest Fridays until bsby is 3mo, you take DN back to yours with your DC and do dinner. If the SIL doesn't reciprocate after that then don't bother.

My mum's entire relationship with her Dsis fell apart over school pick up issues and it wasn't pretty. Find a harmonious way to help each other if you can..

I'd do the first few weeks of new baby but after she's being at total CF

SIL is a CF.

OP, I feel you sleepwalked into a ridiculous situation where you're being treated like an unpaid skivvy. Newsflash: anyone who shouts at you for not complying with their unreasonable request is an abusive bully. Stop doing this stuff for them. They've taken you for a mug.

If she can't do it without your help, maybe she should have asked you before she got pregnant. CF!!!

Entitled much? You're already saving her loads of money from not having to pay for wrap around care when she's not on maternity leave.

I'd have laughed at her, and if she persisted with her strop, told her she can find after school care when she goes back to work, too. Entitled cow.

@Xtraincome

It would be great if you could offer for a couple weeks then just suggest Fridays until bsby is 3mo, you take DN back to yours with your DC and do dinner. If the SIL doesn't reciprocate after that then don't bother.

My mum's entire relationship with her Dsis fell apart over school pick up issues and it wasn't pretty. Find a harmonious way to help each other if you can..

It's not OP's job to keep the relationship harmonious when her SIL is being ridiculously unreasonable.

I had a 10 week old and a 2 year old when my 4 year old started Reception. We managed just fine. As do thousands of mums every day.

I would do this if they paid the going rate otherwise it sounds like they are using you as free labour and taking you for granted

@leccybill

Bit sad that she's not interested in picking up her first child at all. As a teacher, I probably did 10 pick-ups in total throughout my DD's 7 years at primary and I was a bit sad about that tbh.

I never did one pick up for my two ever and I wasn't a little bit sad about it!

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

OMG this could be mutually beneficial to both of you but they've totally exploited your good nature. Why aren't you bitter and why didn't you put your foot down earlier?

It makes sense for you to do the wrap around care when SIL isn't on maternity leave but they should be paying you the market rate and be beyond grateful that they have reliable professional childcare from a family member and they're helping you earn money in a way that fits in with your own life.

I'd tell them that due to rising energy, petrol costs etc that you need to earn money and tell them that they can pay you as a childminder/babysitter or you're unable to do their school runs/wrap around care or babysitting, because you need to do it for someone who will pay you. They then have the choice of paying you market rates or sorting out their own childcare.

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I would have offered to do it for the first couple of weeks after her DH had finished paternity leave but not the whole year!

This but with the worry it would never end.

I think it can be very stressful and difficult having to get two ready when one is just a baby, in the morning (yes I know lots of people manage to do it), and you don't know how well and alert your sister in law will be at that time. She must be worried about this or wouldn't have asked you. Why add to her stress while she is pregnant?

Really? It's hardly rocket science getting two children ready, as you say lots do it without being 'stressed'. The SIL doesn't have to be alert, she has a free nanny on call who she doesn't pay, she's laughing really.

You need to get paid if you keep doing this for her. They're completely taking advantage and taking you for a mug.

@MajorCarolDanvers

I'd do the first few weeks of new baby but after she's being at total CF

After her reaction to not getting her own way I wouldn't do a thing for her, she really doesn't deserve any free help. Let her learn to cope with the children she's chosen to have.

@archetypes

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years (obviously for free)I know it might sound selfish but I’m looking forward to coming home and just having my own children for one year, I’ll be picking my niece up after her Mat leave finishes, and I’ll help out if there’s sickness or whatever but I feel taken advantage of. I babysit and take my niece out all the time, even on weekends and not once have they had my children.

They are using you and you are letting them. They aren't in the slightest bit grateful and think of you as their unpaid skivvy. Why are you doing so much to help these people who care nothing for you? Also, why didn't you put the information in your subsequent posts in your OP?

Yanbu. My nieces and nephews, and my daughter all go to the see school. My sisters and I share pickups and drop offs, depending on what we have going on in our lives, however to do it every day would be a lot.
As a family, we have each other's backs and are happy to pick up the slack where needed, but we also don't take the piss out of each other when it's not necessary.
Baby will be absolutely fine to nap in the car, or stroller depending on how sil does pick ups.

If she has a c section maybe help till the 6 weeks recovery is up but I wouldn’t do any more than that

@archetypes

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years (obviously for free)I know it might sound selfish but I’m looking forward to coming home and just having my own children for one year, I’ll be picking my niece up after her Mat leave finishes, and I’ll help out if there’s sickness or whatever but I feel taken advantage of. I babysit and take my niece out all the time, even on weekends and not once have they had my children.

You've been really good to them and she's being a right cheeky fucker. It would make me think twice about the favours you're already doing for her tbh when that's your thanks!!

And yes, I had a newborn and a child in nursery school (along with a million other parents) it was never an issue bringing the baby to drop and collect my DD, how weird and entitled

She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

I think my answer to this would be to ask why she had a second child, then.

She's being ridiculous.

She's taking the piss. How does she think other women with more than one child cope?

OP you're absolutely not being selfish. Your SIL, on the other hand...

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

Do they pay you for all that childcare? Or even offer?