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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Picking up niece from school

253 replies

archetypes · 07/04/2022 19:28

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 08/04/2022 08:11

People have coped with this scenario just fine for several decades so not sure why she is an outlier? Personally I’d offer if someone was basically at their due date, in hospital or immediate recovery afterwards but then, nope, get with the program.

Glittertwins · 08/04/2022 08:11

She needs to suck it up. Presumably she knew what she was doing and just like everyone else who has children, she has to take responsibility for them and her actions.
I could understand it if there was an emergency but this is royally taking the piss. Maternity leave does not mean abandon everything else including the poor older child

Kennykenkencat · 08/04/2022 08:14

Your sil reminds me of a mother who we met on the first day in reception.

I sort of overheard her telling people she worked f/t
I think she was sussing out who was a SAHM and who wasn’t.
She then did seem to expect us sahm’s to look after her child everyday for free. She would wear out one persons hospitality and then move on to the next and then the next.
She would drop her Ds off at 6.30am and get annoyed if no one was up and at the door immediately to take her Ds.

It lasted till the first 1/2 term and got very angry when she realised that she couldn’t get any child cover for the holidays.
She had a complete hissy fit at everyone for not offering free childcare whilst she was out there working and we SAHPs did nothing.

She ended up getting a series of live in au pairs. Little boy was shipped off to boarding school as soon as they would take him.

billy1966 · 08/04/2022 08:15

Have you been paid for all this?

If not you are a complete mug, and don't they know it.

They have used you and think you are a complete fool.

The first minute you say no, she starts shouting at you?

That is EXACTLY how little she thinks of you after all you have done for free.

Unbelievable.

lookingforopinions10 · 08/04/2022 08:16

I've managed with new born twins, she will cope....

Fundays12 · 08/04/2022 08:16

OP also someone made a good point about setting up a childminding business. It's definitely worth considering and there is probably a need for it plus you could potentially make a nice living whilst working it around your own family. If your SIL wants to use your service they can pay for it.

Also on a financial point you said you are struggling. Are your brother and SIL paying for fuel and food etc for the time your niece is at yours? An extra mouth to feed and more fuel plus extra heating, activities etc all add up.

OfstedOffred · 08/04/2022 08:18

I might have helped out on an odd occasion if she or baby was poorly or something, but it's perfectly normal to do school run with a baby!!

EthelTheAardvark · 08/04/2022 08:18

To be fair to your SIL, when DC1 was a baby I counted myself lucky if I managed to get dressed before lunchtime, and I suspect your SIL is assuming that it's going to be like that with no. 2.

The reality, of course, is that once you have a second baby they just have to fit in around the older child's commitments, including school, and you manage - even if it means chucking a track suit over PJs for the school run, Often the newborn is the least of your problems, they're probably perfectly happy to go back to sleep in the buggy. But your SIL needs to discover that for herself.

weaselish · 08/04/2022 08:20

I would honestly find a paid after school role (some or all of the days) - getting good after school help is so hard! I pay a TA who works at the school £14 an hour for 3 hours after school - she is great and after school care like this is so hard to come by.
Your SIL has saved sooo much money due to your kindness. And you've lost out on potential wages.
Also now yours are getting older so you really want to be stuck in the baby phase again as I'm sure she will expect you to have the baby after her mat leave. Stop it now, she has a year to find actual childcare (like everyone else who works!!) and you can get some space with your own children and also maybe restart your career.

AgingBadly · 08/04/2022 08:27

It's a boundary issue. You can give whatever reasons you want for saying no. It in no way gives her the right to be upset at you. If you wanted to stay home and count pigeons that's your prerogative. It's emotional abuse - albeit on a small scale....

diddl · 08/04/2022 08:29

Of course it can be hard to get organised-but school is a 5min walk away!!!

Could there be less of a "commute"?

Also I agree with a pp-why wouldn't she want to take her daughter to school while she can?

I think that you've done so much already that she just expects more.

I also don't see how being a SAHM equates to doing permanent drop offs/pick ups for someone else.

Help in an emergency, yes!

It's awful that they think so little of you that they don't even consider paying for your time-or even childcare or a treat sometimes.

Why is your brother also OK with treating you so badly?

ClaryFairchild · 08/04/2022 08:41

If you were a nanny/nursery nurse and you're short of money/money is tight, have you thought about becoming a childminder who does after school care? Then if they want you to do it they can pay you, or you can take other children.

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/04/2022 08:47

[quote archetypes]@Ginger1982

No they live five mins away from school, I live 20min car ride away.[/quote]
@archetypes How is it that your youngest and your niece will be in the same school if you are 20 minutes' drive away? You're not in catchment for the same primary school..? It's lovely that your DS will be in the same class/year as your niece, be great for them to have a good cousin relationship especially playing together after school, but if you're not actually living in the same area (like walking distance from each other's houses) it becomes a bit trickier with the logistics.

I'd knock the extent of the child care you offer them on the head, they are massively taking the piss and like PPs have suggested, you could have been earning some useful money in childcare since you have the training, qualifications and experience. You could make a living from that rather than giving it to those ungrateful buggers for free.

Do you really want to use so much diesel/petrol to ship kids around when you don't have to? Have they ever reimbursed you (in any form) for all your expenses?

strawberryband · 08/04/2022 08:48

@archetypes

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years (obviously for free)I know it might sound selfish but I’m looking forward to coming home and just having my own children for one year, I’ll be picking my niece up after her Mat leave finishes, and I’ll help out if there’s sickness or whatever but I feel taken advantage of. I babysit and take my niece out all the time, even on weekends and not once have they had my children.

There taking the fucking piss out of you....

SVRT19674 · 08/04/2022 08:48

You are so being taken for granted, so much so, that when you dare object she starts shouting at you. Are you her maid? You need to nip this in the bud. Interesting what others were saying re opening up a childminder business. If she wanted access to it she should pay the rates, commercial rates too. Being taken for granted has to end.

Zonder · 08/04/2022 08:48

Did she ever offer to pay you for all the childcare, given that it's very one way and they have much more money than you? For next year you could look into that if you need to start earning money.

Staryflight445 · 08/04/2022 08:49

Do they pay you op?

Bollocks989 · 08/04/2022 08:50

Hi OP, It sounds like you have been going above and beyond so far and now they expect it. Well done on standing firm.

LoveSpringDaffs · 08/04/2022 08:51

@archetypes

FFS do you not mind being a mug? No wonder she assumed you'd do this for them, she sees you as 'staff'. Unpaid staff.

So are you lined up for looking after the baby when she goes back to work?

So they get 2 full time wages & low/no childcare costs, and you get... grief?

Fuck that fir a game of soldiers!

All through her maternity leave - she's spectacularly taking the piss!!

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2022 08:52

I’ve already picked my niece up everyday from nursery for the last three years

Why? When you are strapped for cash?

Stop being a SAHM and get a job then she can sort her own life out.

Benjispruce4 · 08/04/2022 08:52

It’s what you have to do. Babies have to be taken out when parents need to go out. Sure, if she’s had a party bad day ott would be reasonable to ask if you’d drop niece off but not everyday. Surely she wants to be there for her child’s first days and weeks of school and get to know the teacher at pick up time etc plus the other parents and children. YANBU

Benjispruce4 · 08/04/2022 08:56

This is child minding so I think they should be paying you as it’s such a long term commitment. Or move away!

Guineapigssweak · 08/04/2022 08:57

Wow you have picked up your niece already for the past 3 years!! You have been taken advantage of and it's time you said no. Don't be a doormat.

LatteLady · 08/04/2022 08:57

OP, having read the full thread, you have gone above and beyond for three years. Now it is your time, your SIL is a CF of the first order and you are too kind for your own good.

How does your SIL think that other woment have coped up to now, with having more than one child, they all have learnt to organise and maybe that is a skill she needs to learn rather than depending on the goodwill of family and friends.

Stay strong and do what you need to do for YOUR family.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 08/04/2022 08:59

CF SIL thinks you are staff. I would immediately cease doing anything for her!

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