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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up niece from school

253 replies

archetypes · 07/04/2022 19:28

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
Indicatrice · 08/04/2022 05:19

And what does she expect to happen after her mat leave? For you to take care of both of their children?

Bypass her, call your brother, tell him how she’s behaved.

And then do not do any childcare. None.

Morph22010 · 08/04/2022 05:50

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

Are they giving you anything at all for having sn or is it costing you? Ie. Are you feeding her everyday? If you go somewhere with an entrance fee in the hols who pays?
DockOTheBay · 08/04/2022 05:51

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

They need to pay you for your time. I bet you anything they will be expecting you to do school and nursery pickup for both kids after her mat leave ends. You would be better off becoming a nanny or childminder for other people's kids and getting paid, rather than doing it for free just because they're family.
GreyCarpet · 08/04/2022 05:54

They are family and families do help each other

You are right.

But your comment implies reciprocity yet there is none in this situation.

Changeee1546789 · 08/04/2022 05:56

CF. YANBU

Murdoch1949 · 08/04/2022 06:07

First couple of weeks after birth, then at the most sharing the pickups. Niece will love being picked up by mum with new baby fgs.

Kennykenkencat · 08/04/2022 06:12

I know you say your sil works f/t. Has she ever done the school run?
Is it because she doesn’t get the school run with a newborn is exactly what everyone else does that has a baby at this stage.
It does come across as though she thinks the school run is beneath her.

CountryCob · 08/04/2022 06:38

I have family like this. You are 1000% not unreasonable and it would be a terrible idea to agree to this.

Morph22010 · 08/04/2022 06:45

See does sound like one of those people that the more you give the more they expect and the less grateful they are. It does sound like she is expecting you to,pick up her child for evermore and then most probably the new baby when they go to nursery and eventually school. New child is approx 5 years younger I take it so if you are not careful you are going to be doing school pick ups for 5 years after your own kids are walking themselves home.

Mumdiva99 · 08/04/2022 06:48

Bloody hell unless you are being paid as a child minder at the moment. Then they are taking the Micky.

Stop this now. Tell them you are too hard up and will be doing pick ups for cash. Would they like to employ you? If they don't there will be other parents that do. You don't need to be Ofsted registered for short hours like that.

Bunnycat101 · 08/04/2022 06:50

You have said that things are financially tight. It is one thing making a financial sacrifice for your own family but it’s not fair that you are getting nothing in return for the very significant childcare you’ve provided. Will you be expected to look after the baby once her mat leave ends too? Just say no or set yourself up formally as a childminder so at least you’re getting some money. The odd favour is fine even a day a week but you’ve been doing far too much and it will have been at the expense of your own children. What about when they want friends over or activities etc. do they give you a contribution for her food at least?

RustyShackleford3 · 08/04/2022 06:54

If she was appreciative about it then I would actually offer to do it for her for the first few weeks of baby's life, whilst things get settled in, but since she yelled at you and behaved like a total twat, no, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do anything at all for someone who is rude and unpleasant towards me.

Darbs76 · 08/04/2022 06:56

Welcome to having 2 kids love. I’d probably agree for the first few weeks. But no longer. Not at all though given how rude she was to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2022 06:58

You have been officially classified as ‘the help’. They do not see this as helping family out. Nor that reciprocity is required. You are struggling for money and are funding their lifestyle. They will expect you to continue and pick the baby up from nursery. Just why?!

As the designated help, you are not appreciated at all. They either need to pay you for your skilled services or you need to stop. Put your family first. You could be childminding right now and earning money to help your family. They can afford this. You can’t.

mbosnz · 08/04/2022 06:59

That behaviour would be the end of any childcare, free or otherwise, from me.

HELLITHURT · 08/04/2022 07:00

@LBFseBrom

If it doesn't involve you going too far out of your way, I cannot see any reason not to do drop offs and pick ups for your niece. It is hardly going to inconvenience you if you're nearby and you'll have time with just your children while your sister in law is on maternity leave.

I think it can be very stressful and difficult having to get two ready when one is just a baby, in the morning (yes I know lots of people manage to do it), and you don't know how well and alert your sister in law will be at that time. She must be worried about this or wouldn't have asked you. Why add to her stress while she is pregnant?

The chances are that after a while she will feel up to doing the school run and actually like going there with her baby but until she is sure she does, it would be a nice thing for you to help her in this way, especially as you'll be going there anyway.

Then don't have two children and expect others to pick up for you?

OP has two children and picked up niece every single day for three years, free of charge. Even though she's a trained nanny and could therefor be doing this and being paid? Her DH also works away a couple of times a week, so who helps her then, might be stressful for her?

You sound one of those entitled people that expects everyone to manage and help you out, because it's oh so hard parenting your own children.

I'll assume your the SIL.

HELLITHURT · 08/04/2022 07:01

@Mummyoflittledragon

You have been officially classified as ‘the help’. They do not see this as helping family out. Nor that reciprocity is required. You are struggling for money and are funding their lifestyle. They will expect you to continue and pick the baby up from nursery. Just why?!

As the designated help, you are not appreciated at all. They either need to pay you for your skilled services or you need to stop. Put your family first. You could be childminding right now and earning money to help your family. They can afford this. You can’t.

This!
WildfirePonie · 08/04/2022 07:06

Wow. Now you've said no, keep on saying no. They are taking the piss big time.

Just because you're a sahm doesn't mean you have to run around after ungrateful family. Sod that. No no no to everything. Don't get sucked back in.

Divebar2021 · 08/04/2022 07:12

Where’s your brother in all of this? Why is he not involved in this conversation? They’ve persuaded themselves that you love children so much that they’re doing you a favour looking after their child so now is the time for a conversation. In your position I would in fact explore the option of running pre school / post school childminding service as a way of triggering this conversation with them. ( for reference I used a “breakfast club” at someone’s house in the morning and they took my DD to school - cost me £6 per session)

Kaw10 · 08/04/2022 07:14

OP you're a SAHM for your kids, not for hers.

echt · 08/04/2022 07:15

Here's a thought: You've been helping your DB and SIL build their pensions and savings by your free childcare.

Persephonegoddess · 08/04/2022 07:21

Just to reiterate, you have enabled them to have a second home and mortgage free, they need to pay for own childcare. You are being a doormat and your family is suffering for it.

Roselilly36 · 08/04/2022 07:27

She sounds very entitled, YANBU. Stick to what suits you.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 08/04/2022 07:29

She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30

Erm, her and how many millions of other (mainly) mums over the years?

You wake them up/feed them at a time that suits/make the day work around the school run.

No, it’s not always easy. But that doesn’t mean that someone else has to fix that for you.

YANBU.

Mamajunebugjones · 08/04/2022 07:31

She’s using you as an unpaid child minder - looking after your niece for free for three years! After her maternity leave - will you be expected to pick up both her kids from school and nursery?
Well done in drawing the line in the sand.
She sounds wealthy - can’t she pay for additional help in the first few weeks if she’s worried? Or can your brother do the school run on paternity leave?