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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up niece from school

253 replies

archetypes · 07/04/2022 19:28

My youngest son and my brothers daughter, my niece start school in September, they will be in the same class at the same school. My SIL is pregnant with her second child. She is due in September, today my SIL asked me if I would pick my niece up everyday from school and drop her off at home for the whole time she is on maternity leave, I said no I've got my own and children said she’ll be off anyway. She got all annoyed with me and asked how she’s meant to do school pick up when the baby is sleeping or if she’s had a bad night. She shouted at me that she would have to get up at the crack of dawn (school starts at 8.45 and is a five minute walk away) to take niece to school with a newborn and then do the same at 3.30, when will she get a rest.

My AIBU is I’m not missing something am I , this is totally out of order millions on mums including myself have done school pick up and drop off with newborns. Im a firm believer of if you choose to have children you look after them yourself. I already have my niece after nursery until my brother and SIL finish work, I don’t want to do it when she’s at home I want the time she’s on Mat leave to look after my own children.

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 07/04/2022 21:14

Wow. They are completely taking the piss. If your sil were to have a section and be unable to drive for 6 weeks or so after baby arrives I would agree to that but after that she is on her own. She doesn't get to have maternity leave just her and the baby while you look after her 5 year old full time. Talk about entitled. And they should be paying you for looking after your niece in normal times.

I had a 4yo and 3yo when my baby was born,4yo was in school 5 min drive and 3yo in creche a 20 min drive (we couldn't get a closer place) my husband left at 7.30 and I got up fed the baby, fed the other 2 got everyone dressed and off we went. She sounds horribly entitled.

Original poster
archetypes · 07/04/2022 21:18

I love to please people but I did feel like this ask was a bit much, so thank you to everyone for agreeing with me I knew deep down I wasn’t the one being unreasonable.

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 07/04/2022 21:35

If you’re happy to have other peoples children around, you are already qualified in childcare and you need some extra money, have you thought about registering as a childminder?

Then you could still have your DN but they’d have to pay you a fair rate for it, or you could have children whose parents are willing to pay for your experience.

Lollypop701 · 07/04/2022 21:35

You have become her personal no cost nanny. For every day pick ups You really need to charge or stop … because I bet you feed dn and your time is worth something. She doesn’t value you and had got used to you being available and more to the point free. It’s great to help out , but as soon as it becomes expected you need boundaries. This is a one way relationship which needs boundaries establishing

MaChienEstUnDick · 07/04/2022 21:41

You've been nannying for free for three years. She assumed you would continue to nanny for free. I can see why she would, to be honest, because you've never told her no. Time to grow a backbone. Tell her you're thinking of registering to become a child minder so you won't be able to do free childcare any more, you're basically giving her a year's notice to sort herself out post mat leave.

And stop being such a people pleaser.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 21:42

Stop providing free after nursery care. Would she ever do the same for you? No way

FeetupTvon · 07/04/2022 21:43

That’s an unfair expectation, offer to help out for the first month as a fair compromise.
If she still isn’t happy... sadly it’s her that’s being unreasonable and not you.

RandomMess · 07/04/2022 21:46

Tell her you can't as you are looking for a nanny job!

Seriously do a nanny share.

AhNowTed · 07/04/2022 21:47

Has she shown any sort of gratitude, offered you money, or reciprocated in any way?

Sounds like your just there for her convenience and rather than be eternally grateful, she now EXPECTS

WingingItSince1973 · 07/04/2022 21:53

You've been nannying for 3 years already for free?! No wonder they are mortgage free and second home owners. Please please stand up for yourself.

LittleBearPad · 07/04/2022 22:11

If you don’t knock this on the head you’ll be picking up new baby for the rest of their school years as well.

Ihearticecream · 07/04/2022 22:27

OP I would message your brother and say that after the way SIL spoke to you that following the Easter holidays you will no longer be able to pick up DNiece from nursery. That they have two weeks to sort out alternative arrangements.
I would bet they will come grovelling back knowing that you are actually a massive asset to them and should be treated accordingly.

LadyEloise1 · 08/04/2022 00:42

Do they ever "pay" you when you're helping out ?
Have they given you any gifts to say thank you for all your help ?
If not, they have taken advantage of you. Sad

LampLighter414 · 08/04/2022 00:51

Yep you are being used.

They both work and for the last 3 years have got you to look after niece after nursery for free? Rather than extending nursery day (if possible) or using some paid alternative e.g. Childminder

You are financially struggling and they haven't paid you for all the free childcare you do?

Honestly I'd stop it all soon.

Once mat leave is over I assume you'll be expected to collect new baby from nursery and niece from school as well as your own children every day?

Please just stop this. They can sort out their own childcare arrangements and you can focus on your own kids for the rest of their childhood. Niece/nephews you can see at weekends, in the holidays etc as and when on terms that work for you

toomuchlaundry · 08/04/2022 01:10

Will you have both their children after the end of maternity leave?

MintJulia · 08/04/2022 01:13

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I would have offered to do it for the first couple of weeks after her DH had finished paternity leave but not the whole year!
this
Fraaahnces · 08/04/2022 01:15

I think you need to explain in very clear words that up until she was so very rude to you, you had VOLUNTEERED your assistance. You are not her employee, and your time is not hers to dictate. She is going to have to acknowledge and respect that you have gone above and beyond for her child already and that the only way forward for her to pay you the going rate for your services, otherwise she will simply have to find someone else.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2022 01:45

If it doesn't involve you going too far out of your way, I cannot see any reason not to do drop offs and pick ups for your niece. It is hardly going to inconvenience you if you're nearby and you'll have time with just your children while your sister in law is on maternity leave.

I think it can be very stressful and difficult having to get two ready when one is just a baby, in the morning (yes I know lots of people manage to do it), and you don't know how well and alert your sister in law will be at that time. She must be worried about this or wouldn't have asked you. Why add to her stress while she is pregnant?

The chances are that after a while she will feel up to doing the school run and actually like going there with her baby but until she is sure she does, it would be a nice thing for you to help her in this way, especially as you'll be going there anyway.

LittleBearPad · 08/04/2022 01:53

@LBFseBrom

If it doesn't involve you going too far out of your way, I cannot see any reason not to do drop offs and pick ups for your niece. It is hardly going to inconvenience you if you're nearby and you'll have time with just your children while your sister in law is on maternity leave.

I think it can be very stressful and difficult having to get two ready when one is just a baby, in the morning (yes I know lots of people manage to do it), and you don't know how well and alert your sister in law will be at that time. She must be worried about this or wouldn't have asked you. Why add to her stress while she is pregnant?

The chances are that after a while she will feel up to doing the school run and actually like going there with her baby but until she is sure she does, it would be a nice thing for you to help her in this way, especially as you'll be going there anyway.

Rubbish.
LBFseBrom · 08/04/2022 02:08

If you say so, Littlebear. I was just giving my opinion but I'm not someone who always thinks they're right. They are family and families do help each other.

However I will add that I think they should pay the op something, if they didn't have her they'd be paying out quite a lot to someone else.

At the end of the day, it's up to the op to decide what to do. Maybe there will be a compromise and they'll take it in turns.

strrawberriesandcream · 08/04/2022 02:22

@LBFseBrom

If it doesn't involve you going too far out of your way, I cannot see any reason not to do drop offs and pick ups for your niece. It is hardly going to inconvenience you if you're nearby and you'll have time with just your children while your sister in law is on maternity leave.

I think it can be very stressful and difficult having to get two ready when one is just a baby, in the morning (yes I know lots of people manage to do it), and you don't know how well and alert your sister in law will be at that time. She must be worried about this or wouldn't have asked you. Why add to her stress while she is pregnant?

The chances are that after a while she will feel up to doing the school run and actually like going there with her baby but until she is sure she does, it would be a nice thing for you to help her in this way, especially as you'll be going there anyway.

And what would the SIL do if the OP didn't exist? She'd have to manage like everyone else does. She's being mardy and ridiculous. It's one thing asking for a bit of help when recovering from childbirth and getting into a new routine but the whole mat leave?! Nah.
stormswiftlysweetafton · 08/04/2022 03:31

Good grief. YADNBU.

I think this would be a good time to let your brother know that you've already been finding it a bit much, providing free childcare every workday and will need to scale back. You deserve quality time with your own children. Being a SAHM means a sacrifice in income and career. You do that primarily for the benefit of your own family, not your brother and SIL! Helping occasionally is one thing, but every workday?! They need a wake-up call.

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/04/2022 04:11

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I would have offered to do it for the first couple of weeks after her DH had finished paternity leave but not the whole year!
Yeah a year is mad id do it for a month.

Its family so i would still offer and do this despite her nutiness

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/04/2022 04:15

@archetypes

I’m a SAHM my SIL works full time so that’s why I do all the nursery/ school runs at the moment, I was a nanny and a nursery nurse before having my own children, so I like spending time with children but it’s all just got a bit much.

We are struggling for money like most at the moment, my husband works away two days a week. my brother and SIL are mortgage free with a second home, which I’m not bitter about they have worked hard but they couldn’t of done anything without my help,

Missed the drip. This is bad and id stop this now.

Question: How often do they do things for or with your child ie days out paid for by them to give you a break?

Flickflak · 08/04/2022 05:09

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