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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

OP posts:
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KELLOGSspeck · 08/04/2022 12:53

Dread locks correlate to race quite often. Let's agree to disagree. It's deeper than just a hair style... I'm surprised you don't know this... since you "claim" your circle is familar with such hair style Grin it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible. Ask someone in your "circle" Blush

GreyTS · 08/04/2022 12:55

@heartofgrass

Hmm I'm torn on this one.

On one hand I don't think it's reasonable to ask someone to change their look but on the other I think FAKE dreadlocks tend to look awful (85% of the time?) and not only do they look awful, i feel they're bordering on cultural appropriation (I'm assuming you're a white woman). So yes, i would also suggest to my sister that perhaps she might want to change up her style as I wouldn't want other guests at my wedding to be offended or to snigger at my bridesmaids hair.

Ok, this....already borderline having dreadlocks as a white woman, but fake clip on ones....yikes!
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 12:55

@KELLOGSspeck

Dread locks correlate to race quite often. Let's agree to disagree. It's deeper than just a hair style... I'm surprised you don't know this... since you "claim" your circle is familar with such hair style Grin it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible. Ask someone in your "circle" Blush
It was me that said circle of friends.
HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 12:57

@KELLOGSspeck

Dread locks correlate to race quite often. Let's agree to disagree. It's deeper than just a hair style... I'm surprised you don't know this... since you "claim" your circle is familar with such hair style Grin it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible. Ask someone in your "circle" Blush
It doesn't.

I never mentioned a 'circle' or 'my circle'. In fact, I never mentioned anything remotely like that. You either have me confused with another poster, or are drinking. Or, have problems speaking in English.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 08/04/2022 12:58

Always interesting to come on here and say exactly what you think whilst leaving other posters guessing Smile

HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 12:59

it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible.

A hairstyle is not a 'spiritual belief'. The more I think about it, the more I think you are drunk-posting because your posts are barely legible and you are now talking about the bible saying a hairstyle is a 'belief'.

Nothing you say makes legible sense in English.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 13:02

@GreyTS they aren't clip on.

TheKeatingFive · 08/04/2022 13:02

Dread locks correlate to race quite often.

Even if this is true, it doesn't give anyone 'ownership' over a hairstyle or license to tell others they can or can't wear it.

TheKeatingFive · 08/04/2022 13:06

it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible.

Say what now?

AnotherEmma · 08/04/2022 13:09

Your sister is rude and disrespectful to you.
I'm guessing the nasty comment ("money can't buy taste") is just one of many.
Regardless of what she or other people think about your hair, it's unacceptable for her to talk to you in that way. If she wanted you to change it for the wedding, there are ways to ask (not tell!) you politely and respectfully. What she did was most definitely not that.
If I were you I would politely decline being her bridesmaid and also distance yourself from her as much as you can. You can still be polite and participate but try not to let her talk to you like shit.

I haven't read all the replies btw... I hope people aren't criticising your hair; if they are they have completely missed the point. I am not a huge fan of the hair but I don't think there's anything hugely wrong with it and I certainly respect your right to have your hair how you want.

Sartre · 08/04/2022 13:15

Aren’t dreads quite difficult to remove? I only know of one friend’s experience some years ago but she had to shave her head to get rid of them, she’d just had them in for so long and they were impossible to remove.

Anyway, I think your sister is BU because it’s just hair and it’s a part of you. She’s being a major bridezilla.

AnotherEmma · 08/04/2022 13:18

Btw if there's any chance your sister or anyone who knows you both is on mumsnet, this thread is very outing (especially the photos obviously)

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/04/2022 13:24

OP your sister is rude but its probably not worth the stress assuming its easy to take the extensions out.

As for cultural appropriation, the mix of people calling the OP out for it, and people calling out the style for being dirty and awful is mixing to make a nasty undertone. Telling white people they shouldn't do something because ethnic minorities do it is a statement that can be approached from two angles and I'm not sure its always easy to tell what that angle is straight away.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 13:37

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Ive never understood the cultural appropriation thing. Surely we can do anything with our hair, what does it matter to anyone? (and it looks fab so why not)
Have you tried to understand it? Genuinely tried? Have you read up on it at all?
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 13:43

@Sartre

Aren’t dreads quite difficult to remove? I only know of one friend’s experience some years ago but she had to shave her head to get rid of them, she’d just had them in for so long and they were impossible to remove.

Anyway, I think your sister is BU because it’s just hair and it’s a part of you. She’s being a major bridezilla.

Real dreads are. But the extensions I have and what op has are still a pain in the arse, but can be removed
lljkk · 08/04/2022 13:46

I'm on the fence about this... Most weddings have a planned look & the dreads may be too much out of sync. Not my wedding -- I would not have cared. But I can understand if bride feels the style is ruined, and there is a certain responsibility to accept that when one agrees to be in the wedding party.

Think OP agreed to bride's request, already?

WeDontTalkAboutYouKnow · 08/04/2022 13:55

Firstly, this is ending up in the Mail.

Secondly, I there a chance this is more about stealing focus or being an attention seeker?

Yes, yes, we can all wear what we like at weddings, but generally we try not to steal focus. That's why we do not wear white, ballgowns or tiaras.

And personally, I wouldn't have a problen with whatever hair you chose, but I had a very laid back wedding. If it's a country manor or something and the men are all forced into tops and tails a white woman in dreads will look like she's missed the
memo, or deliberately stealing focus. Same as if you opted for green hair etc.

Ultimately it's up to you but I wouldn't want to deliberately piss off my sister when it doesn't bother me.
I also wouldn't want the guests thinking I was deliberately standing out.

MedusasBadHairDay · 08/04/2022 13:58

@Sartre

Aren’t dreads quite difficult to remove? I only know of one friend’s experience some years ago but she had to shave her head to get rid of them, she’d just had them in for so long and they were impossible to remove.

Anyway, I think your sister is BU because it’s just hair and it’s a part of you. She’s being a major bridezilla.

Not the fake ones, they come out relatively easy. Putting them in takes longer.

I think the conversation about which cultures wear or wore dreads is kind of irrelevant to the concept of cultural appropriation. From what I understand cultural appropriation isn't about who "owns" a hairstyle, but that black people are penalised for dreads, eg. told they are unprofessional or "ghetto", whereas white people are more likely to have their dreads viewed as arty and bohemian. So not the same barriers within society.

If in the future society becomes entirely accepting of dreads on black people, and they are seen as a totally neutral hairstyle, then maybe white people wearing them wouldn't have the same iffy connotations. But right now, let's be honest, a lot of society as it stands would have "opinions" on professional roles performed by someone with dreads.

I've got to be honest I find this hard to acknowledge as a white woman who used to have dreads, which I loved having, and still remember fondly. And I do think it would be a shame to never have been allowed to have dreads, but I can see why it causes hurt.

I guess my main feeling is that dreads are a wonderful beautiful hairstyle in anyone, and I wish we could all be free to wear them (if we wanted) without worry or discrimination.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 08/04/2022 14:02

it's a spiritual belief and it also states this in the bible.

Chapter and verse, please.

TheKeatingFive · 08/04/2022 14:16

From what I understand cultural appropriation isn't about who "owns" a hairstyle, but that black people are penalised for dreads, eg. told they are unprofessional or "ghetto", whereas white people are more likely to have their dreads viewed as arty and bohemian

Yes that is the issue.

So address the issue of black people being penalised. That's the injustice.

What white people do with their hair is irrelevant to that and trying to police them is only functioning as a distraction from the point.

TheKeatingFive · 08/04/2022 14:18

but I can see why it causes hurt.

The hurt is misdirected though. It's understandable why of course, but we need to be clearer about what's actually problematic here.

Livpool · 08/04/2022 14:32

Your sister is completely unreasonable and I wouldn't change my hair. It is a party (I am married) not a showing a Crufts (sorry for that analogy but couldn't think of another)

givethatbabyaname · 08/04/2022 14:53

@pinkyredrose

I wrote “Crufts Grin” because a poster further up (can’t find it now, on my phone) said YANBU, it’s a wedding not bloody Crufts. Very apposite!

Cas112 · 08/04/2022 15:03

Sorry but I wouldn't change my hair for anyone's wedding day. Ridiculous request