To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

[nattichix]

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

Can you show me where the dog is ?? What is this ?? Where is that ? Shall we sing this, shall we sing that ? What noise does a dog make? Where is your belly button ? Etc.
That sounds like a tiring play date! They’re not all like that, promise.

And for the record if DD were put on the spot like that she’d be equally “defiant” and refuse to “perform”. Just talking is fine too – narrating what you’re doing, or what they’re doing: “That looks fun, can I join in? I’m going to make a lion,” when you’re doing Duplo, or “My favourite colour is green, I like to do splodges – what are you doing?” Or frankly just playing quietly together is fine. Everyone’s different: that parent parented differently to you and her child responded differently. But you know YOUR child best, Miss Independent – she names her belly button for no one! Just keep doing what you’re doing.

I think you’ve had enough answers about the GPS so I’ll leave that!

I just wanted to say, unless the nursery specifically say something, please try not to worry. They really do develop at their own rate and it’s usually not a problem. My DS was late to crawl, I don’t think he really bothered trying until he was about 10 months. Didn’t walk until he was maybe 16/17 months. He didn’t start speaking until he was nearly 2 and didn’t really have full sentences until after he was 3.5.

He’s 6 soon, really active. Does swimming, climbing and gymnastics after school and is constantly running about - you’d never know he wasn’t walking in line with his peers as a baby! He also doesn’t. Stop. Talking and has an excellent vocabulary, despite his early struggles.

Please don’t worry, is what I’m trying to say! Listen to the nursery staff, play with your daughter. Everything usually works out, and if it isn’t, then that’s where extra support comes in.

My mum always said comparisons are odious. No structured learning is needed at this age. Allow DS to lead what she wants to do - of course you can suggest things too. Remember reception at school is mostly play-based learning and the children are 4-5 then. I'm an anxious person too but I try to keep it under control in front of kids as they pick up on it. Just enjoy the free time you have away from DS and do something for yourself

It's so hard having your first as you are comparing everything. Once you pull that back and realise all at their own pace you'll feel so much better. Having the love that your DD is getting from the GP is as valuable as the learning stuff. Creche covers so much of that as well that it does allow you to have the hugs and messing around.

Creche and schools are so used to children that if there is something they are worried about they'll flag it. Not listening I've had with all my kids and they're doing great. Leave her with her GP and let them do what they are doing with her. It's hard knowing what's right and wrong on your first, it's also lovely that there are so many people that love her so much

It's also my own mum. She's constantly saying how much more advanced I was at DD age and that I need to talk to her more, read to her more and just DO more. It doesn't help the situation.

@Nnique

She’s probably just annoyed at constant questions of what’s your name and point to the dog etc and doesn’t see the point. Especially if she’s miss independent.

Your anxiety is unwarranted. Try to relax. Read to her, play with her, let her explore the things that interest her. She’s a learning machine - that’s what human minds do right from the beginning. You don’t need to fret over every thing - humans are not all exactly alike and guidelines/norms from development are just that - a fairly accurate guideline of what most can do at a certain age. It doesn’t follow that it’s an awful tragedy if yours isn’t quite there at X weeks/months/years.

Having loving grandparents and another loving and safe space away from home is a big advantage to a child. She’ll gain a lot from it.

You have absolutely no right to say OP's anxiety is unwarranted if you've never met the child

@elizabethdraper

"She just won't always point at it when asked ' can you show me the dog ?'. She only does this sometimes."

my 8 year old still does this - he is well ahead of his peers but he isnt a preforming monkey

"and isn't yet that interested in sitting down and listening to being read to and things like that. "
She is 2. Read up on associative play/ parallel play

".. started forming more sentences like ' where daddy gone ? '. But she won't say ' I want milk '. She'll just say ' milk '. Stuff like that."

She is well ahead of my 8 year old at that stage - he didnt speak until he was 3.5

Did is say he is well ahead of his peers in school?

The two examples of your 8yr old sound just like my autistic 7yr old

If you are worried about her development, a few hours learning colours with granny won’t help.

Then when they ring and ask to spend time with her, say yes there is a couple of hour but you're going to need to stay here with her as we are going out afterward , meeting with friends etc and it will be awkward if you take her to your place.

Keep stating this, if they refuse then say, look this is getting difficult as you always want to take her to our house and it doesn't fit with plans and she misses out - what is your issue with seeing dd here? I have coffee cake and comfy seats etc and all her toys

then they have to come up with a reason - which I doubt they can justify a valid reason

also phone them and invest them over for a couple of hours, make a point of inviting them it makes it harder to then say to you oh we will take dd to our house - as you say - oh no the invite was for you to come here

"They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home."

On no, heaven forbid!!

@SleeplessInEngland

"They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home."

On no, heaven forbid!!

Heaven forbid a mother also wants to spend time with her entire family and not always have her child taken away for the day when the child is at Nursey 5 days a week anyway.

Oh gosh give the kid and grandparents a break! When my toddler goes to his grandparents I just let them get in with it. I have limited the choc and juice they give him even though he only gets it there but that’s it really. It’s really lovely for kids to have a break and grandparents can be that fun place free of the usual constraints. We all need some r and r.

Seriously, relax!
My parents also look after my kids a lot, and it always at their house. The simple reason is that they are more comfortable in their own home (I suspect everyone is, and even more so as people get older), and probably feel uncomfortable hogging your front room!
If you are concerned, just get some more educational toys, games, books that you keep over there, and they will use them.

@nattichix

Oh guys no. I'm just worried about her. I'm not actually teaching her stuff all the time at all.

I just think she seems behind and was trying to help her get to the same level as some of her peers.

Who are you comparing her to? If it’s to Asian / South Asian kids then most of their ‘intelligence’ actually comes from interactions with extended family. For example my DS (just like my DB) learned simple proportion, addition, subtraction, by watching me and my gran cook and being encouraged to share sweets to family. He developed his love of reading / language by being read to.

I own a nursery and see similar with the kids there. The cleverest children are often the ones with involved extended family & nobody’s doing structured learning at this age.

That's ridiculous, she's 2 years old! She'll be getting plenty of structured play at nursery. Time with grandparents is precious and it is completely unreasonable of you to expect her grandparents to educate her, she's 2 years old! If she's in nursery full time she'll get very little down time. I used to feel sorry for the kids at my daughter's nursery who were there every day.

@SpringsSprung

I have just lost a long post in reply at this comment from you. Luckily, tbh, as I imagine you’re probably speaking from a highly personal and very difficult position, and it would probably have been more harsh than it should have been.

You have no right to be angry with me as clearly comes through in your post. You have no right to be rude like that.

I have said nothing that isn’t perfectly sound advice in context of this particular thread as OP set it out; the worries and anxieties OP talks about are not in any way pointing to anything other than usual anxieties of parents wishing their children to do well and learn and so on. My answer was entirely appropriate. And I speak from a background in child development and early learning.

If you want to address this thread and the OP and from an entirely different perspective to the one it’s asking about, that’s your prerogative of course. But you should have just done that.

Sorry for being forceful but your comment was uncalled for.

If this is something that is close to your heart. I understand that it’s rough and I’m sorry if something in my comment triggered upset or reminded you of your own difficulties in getting diagnosis/help for your child(ren).

And I apologise too if I’ve just assumed entirely incorrectly there! It was the only motivation I could think of for why you’d choose to challenge my post.

Not going to get into an argument so will wish you well here and leave the thread to OP so it isn’t derailed.

Something you might have been spared in the pandemic is showing off parents. They talk to their child in a particularly carrying voice so that even the seats at the back hear every syllable. Their children have learned that to get approval they had better perform! Sadly this will be constant throughout your experience as a parent, and it sounds like your mother has never grown out of it. It might be kindly described as a form of anxiety and it's very catching, so be careful to avoid it.
There is a wide range of markers for normal development. Be familiar with them and ignore the performance parents.
Some people are incredibly insecure and will try and be superior on the brand of wellies their child is wearing! Smile and nod and take no notice, you sound like a lovely mum.
Maybe you could limit the MIL to a half a day as you don't need a break?

I wouldn't put a child in a nursery, but if you do, the child will surely be learning things there, There are all kinds of learning experiences to be had for a small child,either at a nursery, at home, or with grandparents etc.

Your child will probably learn a lot of things being at your MIL house.older parents are well able to teach small children things, that you have no time to do, and the child is experiencing being in a different house. It's all good, and children will remember things.

@PerseverancePays

Something you might have been spared in the pandemic is showing off parents. They talk to their child in a particularly carrying voice so that even the seats at the back hear every syllable. Their children have learned that to get approval they had better perform! Sadly this will be constant throughout your experience as a parent, and it sounds like your mother has never grown out of it. It might be kindly described as a form of anxiety and it's very catching, so be careful to avoid it. There is a wide range of markers for normal development. Be familiar with them and ignore the performance parents. Some people are incredibly insecure and will try and be superior on the brand of wellies their child is wearing! Smile and nod and take no notice, you sound like a lovely mum. Maybe you could limit the MIL to a half a day as you don't need a break?

I think you're right. We've been extremely insular since DD was born in the pandemic and are now only starting to venture out. A lot to learn. I'm really grateful I made this thread and even at the not so nice comments.

I am really looking forward to just playing freely with her, without worrying if I'm teaching her enough stuff and if her time is being taken up by useful things.

She's just not a performance child and that's that.

My mother had me performing like a monkey all of my childhood and it did my self esteem no good at all as an adult. As I'm approval addict. I will not make my DD into one of those. I'm so proud of her and the things she learns without having to be pushed to do so. She says new things and learns new things all the time. She just doesn't do it when you constantly put her on the spot about it.

My 17 year old high flyer was barely speaking at two years old so I wouldn’t worry x

That sounds better OP. Trying to be positive, although there may have been less interaction during lockdown, many parents of newborns had the opportunity to spend more time with their babies.

Good luck.

Mine can be like this. Particularly when they were very small babies and needed me close, they were adamant about having them at their house.

It's a control thing with my ILs.
Take back some control and invite them to your house or to a specific activity etc.

@Wimblewomb

Mine can be like this. Particularly when they were very small babies and needed me close, they were adamant about having them at their house.

It's a control thing with my ILs.
Take back some control and invite them to your house or to a specific activity etc.

Well I'm fuming right now. They asked to get her from nursey and take her to their house. I said nicely, can they bring her here instead and we all spend time together.

Just got a call saying they're back at their house and want to keep her there a few hours.

I don't think it's fair really, seeing as I asked nicely and was so looking forward to seeing her and them.

Next time say, no, please bring her back here. Don’t ask them nicely...just inform them.

If they’re demanding to have your child at the weekend when you want to have family time with your own child, they also need to be told clearly no, today we’re going to be at home, or no, she’s at home today with me but you’re welcome to come over for a few hours. Something like that.