Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:
GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 07/04/2022 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 13:35

@GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree

Tbf, she may seem 'behind' because her peers have similarly earnest MC parents who believe education is a race.

I can't see anything in your description that would set off alarm bells, and I'm going to take a guess that she will be feeling some of the anxiety exuding from you and the pressure on her and won't always want to 'perform'. Am a bit Hmm at nursery calling her 'defiant', tbh, as if it were a bad thing that she has an independent mind at 2.

I agree with you on the performance thing. I had completely stopped doing that a while ago.

But other parents do it all the time !! I had a friend come round last week and they were constantly asking her son to perform. And they kept asking my daughter too.

Can you show me where the dog is ?? What is this ?? Where is that ? Shall we sing this, shall we sing that ? What noise does a dog make? Where is your belly button ? Etc.

I think that's what did it for me to be honest. It tipped me over the edge that this child was performing like that. We don't see many other parents and toddlers, so this is all new to me. So I assumed this must be what other parents do and what kids her age are able to do.

As for the nursey calling her defiant. I don't know it that was them or if that was actually me. They say she's independent and does what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 13:37

I meant that my child was not performing like her friend.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 07/04/2022 13:40

HNRTT but just a couple of your later posts and easy to say but try not to be anxious, OP. For most DCs, spending some time not doing developmental activities makes no difference. Enjoy your time and hope your DC enjoys their time with their DGPs. Except at the macro level, there is no 'doing something wrong' that will permanently impair your DC's development. If she's spending time in nursery, with the DGPs and with you, then try not to worry and try to enjoy your time.

Good luck.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2022 13:42

If you want to spend time with everyone together, why don't you suggest that? Offer to bring DD round for tea, or arrange a day out for all of you instead?

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 07/04/2022 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zilla1 · 07/04/2022 13:45

The 'performance' was probably more about that child's parent's insecurity and trying to compete with you when it's not a competition. It can happen with any child but perhaps more so with a PFB - was it a PFB for your 'friend'?.

FWIW, try to imagine getting a teenager to perform? Lucinda, tell Jocasta's mother what the integrals of this equation are?

Why would getting a pre-schooler to perform be any more useful or valuable, except for that parent to want a mum or dad of the century badge?

MalagaNights · 07/04/2022 13:46

Ahh you sound like a lovely mum and your DD sounds like a perfectly fine 2 year old.

Anything she's 'behind' in doesn't sound significant, so please try not to worry and just enjoy her.

She sounds like a very lucky little girl to have grandparents who also love her and are involved in her life. That's much more important for hre than the particular songs or educational activities they're doing with her.

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 13:49

@Zilla1

The 'performance' was probably more about that child's parent's insecurity and trying to compete with you when it's not a competition. It can happen with any child but perhaps more so with a PFB - was it a PFB for your 'friend'?.

FWIW, try to imagine getting a teenager to perform? Lucinda, tell Jocasta's mother what the integrals of this equation are?

Why would getting a pre-schooler to perform be any more useful or valuable, except for that parent to want a mum or dad of the century badge?

PFB ? What does that mean ?

I think I just have a lot to learn. It's all so new. It's only our second play date with anyone, ever.

So I don't know what to expect and I hadn't even considered that they were basically showing off their child's skills, potentially.

I never asked either children anything. I just wanted them to have a nice time. They were constantly ' on it '... trying to make their boy show what he knows.

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 07/04/2022 13:50

Baby talk is good for language development! Google ´motherese’

Kolani · 07/04/2022 13:53

OP Relax! The grandparents are doing exactly what grandparents are supposed to do. She needs a balance of different types of care and attention. It is a parent's job to do the formal memorising, etc etc stuff, grandparents are supposed to be relaxed, not reading off a script you've given them. No wonder why they prefer her at their house because they KNOW you will be critiqueing and controlling every interaction with her.

Can you show me where the dog is ?? What is this ?? Where is that ? Shall we sing this, shall we sing that ? What noise does a dog make? Where is your belly button ? Etc.

All performance bollox! I remember all this nonsense at meet ups, even baby clinics and mine always seemed shy & slow in comparison, well guess who is off to Cambridge this yr? DS Smile.

TheMarmaladeYears · 07/04/2022 13:54

It tipped me over the edge that this child was performing like that. We don't see many other parents and toddlers, so this is all new to me. So I assumed this must be what other parents do and what kids her age are able to do.

There are some parents that do this. But I'd say that many, many, don't! I remember (and this goes back 40 years) when ds1 was very small and one of his friends was constantly pressed to perform at every opportunity. Not a jot of fun was allowed to be had without constant direction and it was so sad to see. Did the child grow up to have educational advantages over our much more casually raised toddlers? I fear not although he grew up to be a delightful chap. This, I suspect had a lot more to do with his personality than it did the ability to say 'helicopter' at the age of 10 months. So please, allow your MIL the chance to just be the loving grandmother she clearly is. There's endless room in your dd's life for simple enjoyment and fun.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 07/04/2022 13:57

Shes 2. All she needs to know right now is that she's loved and happy. Let her have fun.

saraclara · 07/04/2022 14:04

I don't think she likes being asked where her knees are all the time.

Then stop! All you're doing is putting her off learning, and making your interactions stressful for her!

She's not going to start school not knowing where her knees are.

To be honest, and I mean this kindly, you need to learn from your MIL. The most important thing that your child needs from her interactions with you, is love, warmth, fun, and the knowledge that you think they're amazing. What you're doing at the moment seems like you're making her aware that she's doing something 'wrong'.

Nursery will take care of her formal (with a small f) learning right now. You need to take the pressure right off for a while and just be a mum having fun warm times with her.

Zilla1 · 07/04/2022 14:05

Sorry OP, it sounded like that playdate was being weaponised by the other parent to make themselves feel better. PFB is precious first born which can sometimes make rational parents deranged. I was just wondering whether the child of the other parent was their first born and that might be why they were being competitive when you, your DC and presumably their DC just wanted to have fun. It says more about the other parent and hopefully over time you'll weed out the parents more interested in comparing their PFB favourably with another child.

Good luck.

Mummyratbag · 07/04/2022 14:05

Unless nursery or the HV has raised concerns please do not let worry about meeting milestones ruin her childhood. I regret over thinking so much when mine were little. Love them, keep them safe and talk to them/play with them of course, but have fun, the learning will come anyway. She sounds like a very lucky little girl who is obviously adore by the family.

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 07/04/2022 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 07/04/2022 14:08

It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do.

Honestly it sounds very stifling and maybe grandparents are trying to give the kid a break from it all at their place?

I’ve had kids, some out of uni in great jobs, some still going through. Trust me, no 2yo needs to do ‘educational stuff’ let alone with the whole family roped in ramming it down their throats. They learn organically at that age and especially if going to nursery they will already be getting more than enough in that setting.

saraclara · 07/04/2022 14:10

Oh jeeze, one of my friends was a performance parent. When her son and my DD had play dates, she would always set up a creative activity for them which was hovered over while she constantly asked her DS questions and guided him. I remember that when they'd been making pictures with sticky paper and he'd finished, she peeled off some of the paper bits and stuck them in different places so that his picture looked 'better'!

We stopped going after my DD once said to me quietly while the friend was busy organising the next activity, "mummy, can't we just play?" Bless her.

Ponygirl00 · 07/04/2022 14:10

She’s learning loads of social skills whilst at grandparents house. Learning to be apart from you as well which will help with nursery and school transitions. They learn best through play. You need to accept that you can’t control everything. Maybe every now and then you could invite them over to yours for a drink? That way you all get to spend some time together.

OneNighter · 07/04/2022 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lifeinpieces · 07/04/2022 14:12

As the mother of twins, please don't compare your DC with others, even of the same age.

Development stages are so different.

Original poster
nattichix · 07/04/2022 14:13

Thanks everyone. Have made me feel a lot better. I just felt like I was seriously slacking as a parent by not trying harder to teach her stuff.

OP posts:
Kolani · 07/04/2022 14:13

Stage one - Performance parenting
Stage two - Gifted & Talented (G & T)
Stage three - Grammar school material! or other selective
Stage Four - Oxbridge!
and before anyone asks, DS's cambs application was totally unexpected! not in top streams and has SEN.

Kolani · 07/04/2022 14:15

@saraclara We stopped going after my DD once said to me quietly while the friend was busy organising the next activity, "mummy, can't we just play?"

GrinGrin Bless her cotton socks!

Swipe left for the next trending thread