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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 07/04/2022 13:32

£50 is a nice amount. However... if you can barely afford £20 then £20 is extremely generous.

WouldBeGood · 07/04/2022 13:37

When I got married we said no presents and meant it, but some people gave vouchers, or a bottle of champagne, and we were really happy, wouldn’t have thought for a second they should give more.

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 13:40

Eh?

In what world would people rather someone not go to their wedding than get £20 off them?

That makes zero sense.

I’d be horrified beyond words if my friends thought they couldn’t come to my wedding because they couldn’t afford to give me cash.

a1poshpaws · 07/04/2022 13:42

I'm another who thinks if you can possibly stretch to £50, you should.

I always gave my postie £10 at Christmas - it's going up to £20 this year because frankly, the way things have happened since the start of the pandemic, £20 is really only worth a tenner these days. I think since she's a friend, £20 would be a bit measly.

(Sorry!)

Sunnytwobridges · 07/04/2022 13:44

At the minimum I would give £50

thefamous5 · 07/04/2022 13:46

I only ever give £20 as a present for weddings.

I'm not making my family struggle for a month for someone else's wedding, and if they're insulted or think it's mean, then they can fuck off.

We had a very small wedding but we didn't want people to come for the gifts or expect anyone to cover the cost of their plate. Our wedding was our choice, and I just wanted our friends there to celebrate with us. I think the highest amount we had was £50 from a friend and I was taken aback by that generosity.

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 13:46

You give your postie £20???

I think you are definitely in the minority

MurmuratingStarling · 07/04/2022 13:53

To the people getting all aghast and pearlclutchy, and sooo angry, at the people, saying '£20 is not really enough for a wedding cash gift, £40 or £50 would be better;' you do realise do you not, that the OP ASKED for peoples opinions and views, and ASKED if people think it's a measly amount?

Some people do think it's too little. Some people don't. The ones who think it's OK, and are outraged that some people think it's too little, just wind your neck in and chill yer boots. People are entitled to their opinions without being scolded by finger-wagging randoms, because they don't like what they're saying.

Fuxake, This place sometimes Hmm

mangoontoast · 07/04/2022 13:53

I had cash as wedding gifts and £10-£20 was absolutely standard from most people. Some didn't give any which was fine, some close family members gave more. We were grateful for every penny.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/04/2022 14:08

It reads to me that as you think the wedding is low key and DF is not fussy you think you can give something cheaper than you usually would.

DenholmElliot · 07/04/2022 14:13

I've commited the heiness mumsnet crime of not reading the thread but no, you can't give £20 for a wedding. £20 is what you give your childs classmate for their birthday. £100 is what you give a marrying couple.

MurmuratingStarling · 07/04/2022 14:27

@DenholmElliot

I've commited the heiness mumsnet crime of not reading the thread but no, you can't give £20 for a wedding. £20 is what you give your childs classmate for their birthday. £100 is what you give a marrying couple.
It really is too little isn't it? One might say that if you can only afford £20 for a cash gift for a couple getting married (and who you are clearly close enough to, to be invited to their wedding,) then you probably cannot afford to go to the wedding.

What about your new outfit, the travel costs, buying drinks at the reception/night do, accommodation costs if you're staying over??? It's not cheap to attend a wedding, and if you can't afford more than £20 for a cash gift for the couple, can you really afford to attend the wedding?

Bpdqueen · 07/04/2022 14:28

The last wedding I went to evening do only (an ex colleague) me and another colleague both put £20 in each so it seemed more as we were both struggling financially is there others you can put in with if your struggling

girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 14:29

@DenholmElliot

I've commited the heiness mumsnet crime of not reading the thread but no, you can't give £20 for a wedding. £20 is what you give your childs classmate for their birthday. £100 is what you give a marrying couple.
and if you can't afford £100?
BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 14:31

It depends what you can afford. I’d always spend about £100 for a wedding gift for a good friend or for family. But if I couldn’t afford that I’d put in what I could afford.

PorkPieForStarters · 07/04/2022 14:32

That sounds like a lovely wedding and also like they probably value the marriage and having their closest friends and family with them over things like gifts and standard wedding ettiquette (I mean this in the nicest possible way)!

Give what you can afford, they will love having you there. It would go against the "no presents" rule but, if you don't feel like it's as much as you'd like to give, perhaps you could take a nice photo of the day and have it framed to give to them when they get home - you can find some lovely frames in charity shops so it wouldn't have to cost much but would be a nice thought.

52andblue · 07/04/2022 14:38

@Magicmagician

I think you should give what you can afford, and agree with a pp to get it in euros - shows you’ve put some effort in too and will be really easy for your friend to put towards some drinks (or whatever) on the honeymoon. You would likely aim for a whole number of euros so it might end up being £23 etc too?
This. A pretty envelope with, say, 20/30 Euros (whatever you can afford) A lovely card (as she is artistic you could choose a really nice one) & msg: 'all best wishes for a happy honeymoon: have a drink on me x'
lap90 · 07/04/2022 14:38

I think 50 euros is a good sum, OP.

UsernameA1B2 · 07/04/2022 15:48

Thanks everyone! I think il probably do the euros thing, €50

20 pounds is fine for a small wedding especially since your partner isn't invited, that's quite tight of them

SmallestInTheClass · 07/04/2022 15:54

£20 is fine. I don't agree that you have to 'pay the equivalent of your meal' as a gift. When I got married I certainly didn't expect to get 'paid back' for what I spent on the wedding with gifts of the same value. It's very sad that some people see it this way. Guests usually spend a lot on travel/hotels/taxis/clothes to attend so it's an expensive business being a wedding guest.

WombatChocolate · 07/04/2022 16:13

I agree that the cost of the wedding isn’t relevant really.

People shouldn’t be hosting an expensive wedding with the view to getting expensive gifts. There is no way anyone should be expecting the ‘price per head’ back in gifts. How daft. The two things are totally separate.

There are loads of threads about how costly being a wedding guest can be….hen nights, travel, clothes, accommodation, extra meals etc etc. It can cost far more than the cost per head of the wedding to the bride and groom. Or, if you’re local it can cost far less.

When people feel they are ‘paying’ for their invitation in gifts, something has gone wrong.

hungrymutha · 07/04/2022 16:25

You have a good job? Stick £50 in

Is it just you going or is partner going too?

Dont be stingy.

greenmeansNogo · 07/04/2022 16:26

£50 min ... we gave £70 to a friend recently. I felt like I should give £100 as they had gone on about the meal cost per head, not subtle ( posh hotel) but we couldn't afford it.

WhereHasSpringSprungTo · 07/04/2022 16:33

We had lots give 20 some gave 10. Its the thought that counts. And added together it soon mounted up. We just wanted people to attend so didn't expect /want anything

Blueeyedgirl21 · 07/04/2022 16:42

As an evening guest I do £20 and a bottle of champagne I buy for sub £20

Day guest I do £50 no fizz