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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/04/2022 13:03

@DemBonesDemBones

Massively struggling here and have been for the last...forever. I'd rather not go than give £20, I think even putting £10 more in to make it £30 is ok, but I would be very embarrassed to put on £20. Especially if she knows you have a good job.
How would you feel if your friend said sorry I can't come to your wedding because I can only afford to give you £20?
Washermother33 · 07/04/2022 13:07

I’d aim closer to £30 if you possibly can

MidnightMeltdown · 07/04/2022 13:11

You need to bare in mind that this is supposed to be a gift for two people

I give £50 for a friend and £100 for very close friend

MrsClatterbuck · 07/04/2022 13:13

I once happened to be with a friend buying a wedding gift in a shop were the couple had registered for gifts. The woman serving her was very forthright about what she should pick. Wanted to know was she a all day guest or only invited to the evening reception. Because she was told not advised what amount she should be spending depending on what type of guest she was. I think it was £100 for an evening guest and that was at least 15 years ago. My friend ended up buying a gift of the list but in a different shop on the other side of the street. Have never forgotten this and wonder what she considers an appropriate amount for an evening guest now.

DemBonesDemBones · 07/04/2022 13:13

@Itloggedmeoutagain that wasn't the question, so that's irrelevant.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 07/04/2022 13:14

It’s awful that so many posters think OP should give more than she can afford.

Near Xmas, if a poster mentions stretching themselves to buy their own children something they really want, most posters say they shouldn’t and the kids should be grateful for something from the pound shop and an orange. Yet people here think OP should leave herself short for a wedding of an old school friend she rarely sees.

QuirkyTurtle · 07/04/2022 13:16

@TurningUpMyStereotype

It’s awful that so many posters think OP should give more than she can afford.

Near Xmas, if a poster mentions stretching themselves to buy their own children something they really want, most posters say they shouldn’t and the kids should be grateful for something from the pound shop and an orange. Yet people here think OP should leave herself short for a wedding of an old school friend she rarely sees.

There's the option of not going.
prescribingmum · 07/04/2022 13:16

@Peachy66

I have a wedding in June and I have purchased from Amazon a Wedding Butterfly Memory Keepsake Box which will hold their wedding cards etc. I have just had a look at the Amazon page and it's been reduced !!!!!! I have also purchased 2 Vases for the happy couple. They also requested money for their honeymoon opposed to gifts but I wanted to get them something different, which they could keep.
They have specifically asked people not to buy them gifts and you still feel you know better 🤦🏽‍♀️

I genuinely despair with this attitude that a MN poster knows people better than they know themselves and are far too special to meet the (very simple) request of the B&G.

If you were our friend, the gift would have gone to the charity shop. I honestly would prefer you came empty handed and just enjoyed celebrating with us rather than give us more crap to find a home for/give away

phishy · 07/04/2022 13:17

@QuirkyTurtle there’s also the option of OP giving what she can comfortably afford, which is £20.

QuirkyTurtle · 07/04/2022 13:18

[quote phishy]@QuirkyTurtle there’s also the option of OP giving what she can comfortably afford, which is £20.[/quote]
I'm not saying OP should give more than she can afford, that's absurd. She should just decline the invitation.

OP asked for opinions on whether £20 is stingy and the answer is yes. OP didn't ask whether she should pay more than she can afford.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 07/04/2022 13:20

There's the option of not going.

I’d hate to think like that. I would be gutted if someone I invited to an event didn’t come because they thought I would expect anything, never mind more than they could afford. If I’ve invited that person then it’s because I want their company not their cash.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 13:21

[quote phishy]@QuirkyTurtle there’s also the option of OP giving what she can comfortably afford, which is £20.[/quote]
No, she shouldn't do that.

She should not go to the wedding and when her disappointed friend mentions that it was a shame the OP didn't go to the wedding and gets the reply 'well MN told me that the £20 I could afford to give you as a gift was tight, so if I couldn't give £50+ it would be better to not attend at all'.

Because that makes perfect sense doesn't it?

VioletCharlotte · 07/04/2022 13:21

I would be so upset if I found out one of my friends was not going to attend my wedding as they were embarrassed about how much they could afford for a gift. £20 is fine OP and if your friend is a decent person, they will just be happy to have your company, any money you give them as a gift is a bonus.

bananaboats · 07/04/2022 13:21

I got married last year and would say £50-£100 was the average we recieved and we didn't have any guests actually attending the wedding! When we have been guests usually give £50-60 as day guests & £20-25 as evening guests as thats what we can afford.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 07/04/2022 13:22

OP asked for opinions on whether £20 is stingy and the answer is yes. OP didn't ask whether she should pay more than she can afford.

How can giving as much as you can comfortably afford, be stingy? Most people realise that different people have different amounts of disposable income and wouldn’t judge someone as stingy. I would hate to think like you.

prescribingmum · 07/04/2022 13:23

@QuirkyTurtle do you not invite people because you want their company rather than what they will bring as a gift? I would be absolutely gutted if a guest turned down an invite I was hosting because all they could afford was considered stingy.

Most people can see past the monetary value of what someone is gifting and have selected an invite list based on those they want to celebrate their special day with.

phishy · 07/04/2022 13:23

@BarbaraofSeville exactly

Moonshine5 · 07/04/2022 13:23

@Floralnomad

I think £50 is more appropriate, the type of wedding is irrelevant you are not paying them back for inviting you you are giving a gift to friends .
This ^
newbiename · 07/04/2022 13:24

If you can afford it , I'd put £50

phishy · 07/04/2022 13:25

@QuirkyTurtle

I'm not saying OP should give more than she can afford, that's absurd. She should just decline the invitation.

OP asked for opinions on whether £20 is stingy and the answer is yes. OP didn't ask whether she should pay more than she can afford.

What part of ‘money is tight’ in the OP did you not get?

QuirkyTurtle · 07/04/2022 13:25

[quote prescribingmum]@QuirkyTurtle do you not invite people because you want their company rather than what they will bring as a gift? I would be absolutely gutted if a guest turned down an invite I was hosting because all they could afford was considered stingy.

Most people can see past the monetary value of what someone is gifting and have selected an invite list based on those they want to celebrate their special day with.[/quote]
No that's why I said I think it's better to put in nothing rather than £20. That's my genuine opinion.

If someone coming to my wedding gave me nothing and messaged me to say 'I'd love to come but honestly I can't afford anything right now' I wouldn't think twice. Of course I want them to come more than I want any kind of money from them.

But if someone gave me card with £20 that said 'buy yourself a cocktail' on me I'd assume they're taking the piss.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 07/04/2022 13:26

So those with less disposable income can’t attend their families/friends events now. 😔

BeepBoopBop · 07/04/2022 13:26

@Narwhalelife

Thanks everyone! I think il probably do the euros thing, €50.

To answer some questions, I’m going alone to the wedding, it’s very small, no DC or DP invited which is a bit odd (not so much no kids as I get that part!) but I want to support her.

No sit down meal.

I think the set up is small late afternoon ceremony then straight to the dance floor & buffet. But again I’m not married and haven’t been to many weddings (maybe 3 in my life) so im not judging this in anyway, but I think compared to big white weddings this will be quite different.

With that update I would think €50 is absolutely fine.

Christmas1988 · 07/04/2022 13:27

I would usually give what I’d spend on a nice meal out £50-£100, I think £25 looks better than £20.

TurningUpMyStereotype · 07/04/2022 13:28

But if someone gave me card with £20 that said 'buy yourself a cocktail' on me I'd assume they're taking the piss.

That’s a YOU problem. If I thought like that, I’d want to change my thinking. It’s genuinely horrible.

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