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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 12:39

just buy her something really thoughtful and gifts are really beautiful because everytime she uses it she will think of you

I'm sure she will.

It's such a shame Narwhalelife felt the need to buy me something when I said please don't and money is tight for everyone these days.

I really wish Narwhalelife hadn't bought be these photo frames that I now have to display and pretend to like even though they're not to my taste.

'I really wish Narwhalelife had listened when I said 'no gifts' because now I have all this champagne filling the cupboard that we probably won't drink.

One person's 'thoughtful gift' is another person's disappointment, guilt and resentment and because everyone's so polite and will never be honest that they'd really rather you didn't bother, the cycle continues...

Alwayspaintyournails · 07/04/2022 12:40

€50 is over £40. Genuinely give what you can afford and don’t stretch yourself.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 12:42

If people request money, best to give that.
Always dodgy buying presents which may not be to a couple's tastes.

£20 seems a bit tight, though.
£50 is better.

Xpologog · 07/04/2022 12:43

I’d put it in in Euros €30 to €40 is fine.
This is why it’s so much easier when you’re in Europe and cash at a wedding is the norm. There’s a sort of hierarchy of close family, relatives, lifelong friends, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and you know how much to put in for which category you fall into!

Manekinek0 · 07/04/2022 12:43

That would feel a little tight to me. I would put in £50 in this case but normally go for £100-£200 depending on how much I like the couple. But then I wouldn't expect anything and would be happy to receive nothing as I know how expensive attending weddings can be.

Apatosaurus20 · 07/04/2022 12:44

No wedding dress 😱 I hope it’s a warm day! 😂 (sorry!)

If it was a good friend, I would probably give £40-50 (also, is it just you, or you and a plus one? That sways the amount I give).

I like the idea of gifting euros and have done that before.

Either way, hope you enjoy! ☺️

berksandbeyond · 07/04/2022 12:45

I would give 30-40 euros ☺️

WombatChocolate · 07/04/2022 12:45

If you’ll feel you’ve left yourself short or don’t feel comfortable with more than £20, stick to the plan.

Consider what you give for other types of gift….birthday, new baby etc.

When I’ve been to the wedding of close friends or a family member I’ve tended to be quite generous. Our big round of weddings was 20 years ago and for close friends or family we tended to do £50, and for very best friend more like £100. For close friends who had first babies, we tended to give £50 for the babies bank account. As the babies kept coming and coming, it probably dropped off to keep like £25, except for close friends or family.

But we have received many gifts over time too. We had over 100 at our wedding and lots of lovely gifts. Our children have had lovely presents when babies.

One friend of mine remains single. And childless. Once she mentioned that she’s spent thousands in wedding gifts and new baby presents, and often receives a rather small gift for her birthday from many of those friends or they forget. She want making a big thing of it or keeping track, but over many years it had registered with her.

I just say this, to remind us all that not everyone gets married for has kids and it’s nice to gift generously to them too, and also when people are not in couples to not suggest gifts should be so generous.

No wrong or right. Give what you’re happy with. Some people have more and some are more generous with this kind of stuff. Do what you like.

BIWI · 07/04/2022 12:46

Sorry, but I think it's a bit tight. I'd make it £50. (Especially if you have a good job and your friend knows that!)

TheKeatingFive · 07/04/2022 12:47

One person's 'thoughtful gift' is another person's disappointment, guilt and resentment and because everyone's so polite and will never be honest that they'd really rather you didn't bother, the cycle continues

Absolutely, the blatant waste in this approach is shocking in this day and age.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 12:47

Absolutely fine. I'd not put the message about the cocktails though.

Patchbatch · 07/04/2022 12:47

It's fine, I'd question a friend who was offended or otherwise by a present.

wouldukissafrog · 07/04/2022 12:48

I try to cover the cost of my place at the wedding . So usually give £50 for one and £100 if going as a couple, however usually for old friends I've given £40 in a card

But only give what you can afford

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 12:49

@Peachy66

I have a wedding in June and I have purchased from Amazon a Wedding Butterfly Memory Keepsake Box which will hold their wedding cards etc. I have just had a look at the Amazon page and it's been reduced !!!!!! I have also purchased 2 Vases for the happy couple. They also requested money for their honeymoon opposed to gifts but I wanted to get them something different, which they could keep.
They probably hate it
ikeepseeingit · 07/04/2022 12:51

Put in what you can afford comfortably. I would have hated for any of my friends to be worse off because of my wedding or to feel obliged to get us anything. The idea of euros is nice, maybe 30 euros (£25) in the card, that seems thoughtful and a good amount to buy them a couple of drinks.

DemBonesDemBones · 07/04/2022 12:53

Massively struggling here and have been for the last...forever. I'd rather not go than give £20, I think even putting £10 more in to make it £30 is ok, but I would be very embarrassed to put on £20. Especially if she knows you have a good job.

Bellie710 · 07/04/2022 12:53

Personally I would give £50 as an evening guest and £100 as a day guest regardless of whether it was in a village hall or stately home. If it was a free bar I would add more.

harriethoyle · 07/04/2022 12:55

@BarbaraofSeville

just buy her something really thoughtful and gifts are really beautiful because everytime she uses it she will think of you

I'm sure she will.

It's such a shame Narwhalelife felt the need to buy me something when I said please don't and money is tight for everyone these days.

I really wish Narwhalelife hadn't bought be these photo frames that I now have to display and pretend to like even though they're not to my taste.

'I really wish Narwhalelife had listened when I said 'no gifts' because now I have all this champagne filling the cupboard that we probably won't drink.

One person's 'thoughtful gift' is another person's disappointment, guilt and resentment and because everyone's so polite and will never be honest that they'd really rather you didn't bother, the cycle continues...

Absolutely this. Nail on head!
ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 07/04/2022 12:55

@BarbaraofSeville well that escalated quickly didn't it! 🤣

WombatChocolate · 07/04/2022 12:56

The thing with gifts….it’s totally up to the giver!

The whole point is the giver chooses.

Yes, sometimes the receiver isn’t thrilled with the item or might be surprised by the amount given. That’s all fine.

Other guests and the host doesn’t get to choose. As guest, you choose yourself and do what you want.

Most people accepting an invitation are happy to be there and like the person hosting the wedding and want to acknowledge their big day. So most people put an effort into choosing or gifting.

Given lots of people attend weddings, the enjoyment of the bride and groom. Really isn’t goi g to depend on the gift of one guest. Be freed from the burden of thinking there’s a right answer.

I know one person who only ever gives a card. That’s just what they do. However, they are very generous in that they often take groups of friends out for a meal and treat everyone. It’s fine. Someone else always gives the same gift to all - a very nice frying pan. Some people might not be keen…but it’s up to that guest.

And all the ‘no gifts’ - well, as guest just do what you want. Who knows anyway whether those who say ‘no gifts’ mean it anyway!

MurmuratingStarling · 07/04/2022 12:56

Yeah £20 is a bit tight sorry @Narwhalelife £50 I would say is OK. Smile

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 12:56

The only "thoughtful" gift appropriate in these circumstances would be a guide book as PP suggested along with the £20. Or something consumable. Don't buy something you think is amazing and they will treasure forever as they'll probably not love it as much as you.

Painiscrap · 07/04/2022 12:58

Sorry, I’m really not very well off, but I do think £20 is quite mean to be honest! I always give at least £50, more if it is a special friend or family.

QuirkyTurtle · 07/04/2022 12:59

Honestly I would put in nothing before I put in £20. Or I would just decline the invitation.

Woeismethischristmas · 07/04/2022 12:59

I’d go 30 quid as a singleton 50 quid if I was part of a couple.