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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
phishy · 07/04/2022 10:39

@MoonbeamSprinkles

Well, why would you give more as a day guest than as an evening guest?

Because you’re usually not as close to people who you only attend the evening do of.

But you’re still choosing to attend their wedding.
Original poster
Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:39

@KhaleesiOfChaos wedding is quite short notice (as weddings go) but yeah could have saved for it, but an unexpectedly expensive time atm

OP posts:
axolotlfloof · 07/04/2022 10:40

@MoonbeamSprinkles

Do people really give different amounts depending on what type of wedding it is??

I find that really shocking and mean.

I think it's reasonable to think about what they have spent on you. If they have spent £100 a guest then I think you should try and spend similar, if you can afford it. If its a working men's club then £20/£30 seems reasonable.
phishy · 07/04/2022 10:41

@MoonbeamSprinkles

Do people really give different amounts depending on what type of wedding it is??

I find that really shocking and mean.

No, if it was close friend or family, they would get the gift irrespective of the type of wedding.

When it’s someone you are not that close with, yes, I’d give a gift commensurate to the type of wedding, so they’re not out of pocket by inviting me.

phishy · 07/04/2022 10:42

@axolotlfloof exactly. A pragmatic approach.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 10:44

@Ponoka7

Put what you can afford in. I always try to cover what I think my meal was, which is why the amounts might vary.
But why would the amount that the couple chose to spend on a meal determine how much you give them for a gift? That makes no sense and is likely to end up giving more money to either rich or spendy people who don't need it or shouldn't be rewarded for their expensive choices.

You wouldn't always know in advance anyway. In your system, what if you were expecting a fancy a la carte four course sit down meal, that likely cost them £100 pp because wedding prices and you turned up and found they'd got a pizza van in, which would have been more like £20 pp. Would you take money out of the card?

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 10:44
  • I think it's reasonable to think about what they have spent on you. If they have spent £100 a guest then I think you should try and spend similar, if you can afford it. If its a working men's club then £20/£30 seems reasonable.*

I’m sorry but I think that’s horrible.

You’re going to a wedding not a restaurant. A wedding gift is you wishing the couple well not thanking them for paying for a meal for you.

By that logic I would give my sister who struggles for money less money than my well off acquaintances.

Doidontimmm · 07/04/2022 10:45

I’m getting married in June & would hate peoples to give more than they can afford. We have said absolutely no gifts but know people still will!
If I got £20 in a card I’d be very grateful and think no more.

Minikievs · 07/04/2022 10:46

£50 for me. I'd give a tenner to one of the kids' friends fir a birthday so a good friend of mine at her wedding would get £50.

I'm not exactly rolling in it by any means but £20 is just tight. Sorry.

FiveShelties · 07/04/2022 10:47

I would hate people to come to my wedding and be worrying about money. We just wanted people to attend, have a great day and enjoy every minute.

Just give what you can afford.

phishy · 07/04/2022 10:47

@MoonbeamSprinkles

* I think it's reasonable to think about what they have spent on you. If they have spent £100 a guest then I think you should try and spend similar, if you can afford it. If its a working men's club then £20/£30 seems reasonable.*

I’m sorry but I think that’s horrible.

You’re going to a wedding not a restaurant. A wedding gift is you wishing the couple well not thanking them for paying for a meal for you.

By that logic I would give my sister who struggles for money less money than my well off acquaintances.

Well, aren’t you giving less when you’re an evening guest because you’re not getting a wedding breakfast?

Isn’t that horrible?

Ki0612 · 07/04/2022 10:47

I think that's really low for a wedding but I'd spend more than that on a friends birthday. Could you even stretch to £30? I'd gift at least £50 for a whole day invite.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 07/04/2022 10:48

I think £20 is on the low side. If you can afford to give a bit more, that would be a good idea

Wannakisstheteacher · 07/04/2022 10:49

I think £20 is very tight tbh. As a PP said, a tenner in a kids birthday card is the norm, so £20 for a wedding just doesn’t seem right.

RedskyThisNight · 07/04/2022 10:50

The amount you give is surely an amalgam of what you can afford, what's normal in your circle and how close the person is to you.
if £20 seems reasonable then give that. At our wedding we had amounts ranging from £0- £100.

I don't see why it should bear any resemblance to the amount the couple spend on you. Otherwise we might just as well have a tradition that wedding guests pay for the wedding and be done with.

Magicmagician · 07/04/2022 10:51

I think you should give what you can afford, and agree with a pp to get it in euros - shows you’ve put some effort in too and will be really easy for your friend to put towards some drinks (or whatever) on the honeymoon. You would likely aim for a whole number of euros so it might end up being £23 etc too?

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 10:51

Well, aren’t you giving less when you’re an evening guest because you’re not getting a wedding breakfast? Isn’t that horrible?

The reason I would give less for an evening do isn’t because I’m not getting a wedding breakfast.
It’s because evenings dos are more like a party and usually you aren’t as close to someone who you only get an evening invite for.
If I’ve been invited to the ceremony then I’m probably much closer to the person so the gift will be bigger.

Obviously there’s exceptions to the rule.

toastofthetown · 07/04/2022 10:52

The amount I give for wedding has no correlation to the nature of the event. The cost of their event is based on the couple’s choices. Your friend should be grateful for any gift, so give what you can afford.

phishy · 07/04/2022 10:52

@Wannakisstheteacher

I think £20 is very tight tbh. As a PP said, a tenner in a kids birthday card is the norm, so £20 for a wedding just doesn’t seem right.
A fiver is fine for a whole class party.
Chloemol · 07/04/2022 10:52

You are giving more than I would. I don’t give cash, and certainly not for a honeymoon. I feel it’s grabby

So they would get a card, or perhaps vouchers for somewhere I know they go

phishy · 07/04/2022 10:54

@MoonbeamSprinkles

Well, aren’t you giving less when you’re an evening guest because you’re not getting a wedding breakfast? Isn’t that horrible?

The reason I would give less for an evening do isn’t because I’m not getting a wedding breakfast.
It’s because evenings dos are more like a party and usually you aren’t as close to someone who you only get an evening invite for.
If I’ve been invited to the ceremony then I’m probably much closer to the person so the gift will be bigger.

Obviously there’s exceptions to the rule.

I don’t think that’s true, I think people do give less as evening guests because they’re probably not getting a sit down meal.
blitzen · 07/04/2022 10:55

Agree with some pps that £20 feels a bit tight. Sorry! As they're off to France, could you get them some euros? Eg €50 is approx £41 but sounds better than that!

TheDuchessOfMN · 07/04/2022 10:57

It all comes down to what you can afford. You’d be extremely foolish to put £50 in, if it means you’ll be struggling to pay for something essential that month.

And as wedding etiquette goes, I think for a very casual wedding, single guest, no sit down meal, £20 isn’t tight. Even if she were to perceive it to be, then she’s not a friend

bluebaul · 07/04/2022 10:57

The fact that they are alternative may mean that gifts are not hugely regarded like they are in traditional weddings (just going from what I see on here) - I'm not alternative as such but I am autistic so when I got married it was a very small affair and absolutely no gifts. My view is different to others though, I got married because I wanted to be married to DH, not for a 'do' or gifts.

I would say your £20 is fine

Mamamia7962 · 07/04/2022 10:57

You give what you can afford. If other people can afford more than £20 that's fine, if others give less than that's fine too.

I would hate somebody to give me more money than they could comfortably afford just so as not to "appear tight". No wonder so many people have debt problems.