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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
ComDummings · 07/04/2022 12:03

@shrunkenhead

Jeez, we were just happy to have our friends turn up for our special day! No expectation of money/gifts and, of course, some insisted but we didn't think less of those that didn't. What a horrible way to view people/ life.
Totally agree with this ^ quite shocked by some of the reactions here!
MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 12:07

I would have been heartbroken if I had thought people had struggled to give us a gift or didn’t come because they were embarrassed by the amount they could give.

Surely people invite you to their wedding because they want YOU there.

Ilostit · 07/04/2022 12:07

Deffo more like £50!

incognitoforthisone · 07/04/2022 12:08

If I was getting married, I would absolutely not want anyone worrying about what they could afford to give me - I'd be perfectly fine with it if one of my mates couldn't stretch to giving me anything. It's just not what a wedding's about. If I've invited someone to an event as a guest it's because I want them there, not because I have an expectation that I'll be compensated for the buffet items they've eaten or something.

most cocktails in the UK are around £12-15

'Most' cocktails are definitely not around £12-15. You can certainly pay that in a decent restaurant or a smart bar - Hawksmoor's cocktails range from £11-14, for instance - but if the happy couple are just popping into a local bar for a pre-dinner drink on their honeymoon one evening, £12-15 is not going to be the norm.

Alconleigh · 07/04/2022 12:09

€50 sounds great, OP, as long as you're not leaving yourself without.

As an aside, I have only been to one wedding (out of about 20) that didn't cost me hundreds in travel and hotel costs. If people really want their guests to match what they have spent on them, they'd find themselves getting no gift at all, given that the usually very standard wedding catering would in no way cost as much as the sum I've already spent just to get there. Luckily I don't approach it like that. But like fuck would I be giving anyone £100!

Peachy66 · 07/04/2022 12:10

I have a wedding in June and I have purchased from Amazon a Wedding Butterfly Memory Keepsake Box which will hold their wedding cards etc. I have just had a look at the Amazon page and it's been reduced !!!!!! I have also purchased 2 Vases for the happy couple. They also requested money for their honeymoon opposed to gifts but I wanted to get them something different, which they could keep.

SellingBee · 07/04/2022 12:10

I asked for no gifts at our low key wedding. Some gave gifts, some gave money and some just turned up. I honestly couldn't tell you who did what out of my friendship group but none of it mattered and I'm sure your friend won't care at all.

This aside however I give £30 wedding gift to people I'm not super close to and £60 to people in my immediate circle. Having this as a rule just helps me never to have to think about things when the occasion does pop up x

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 07/04/2022 12:18

Personally I think £20 in cash might look a bit underwhelming. My go-to gift for all weddings/big birthdays is to spend your £20 on a beautiful-looking, boxed scented candle and wrap it beautifully.

SLT2022 · 07/04/2022 12:20

Definitely only spend what you can afford.
I normally do £50 for a wedding.

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/04/2022 12:21

As people have said, they are going to Paris so give Euros. Minimum 50, 80 would be better.

femfemlicious · 07/04/2022 12:21

Is it causing you a lot of expenses like hotel? Expensive travel? Etc. If so then £50. If not then £100

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/04/2022 12:23

I would be horrified if I thought someone gave more than they could afford so as not to appear tight.
£20 is fine

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/04/2022 12:24

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

Personally I think £20 in cash might look a bit underwhelming. My go-to gift for all weddings/big birthdays is to spend your £20 on a beautiful-looking, boxed scented candle and wrap it beautifully.
What if everyone did this? That's a lot of candles!
PookieHook · 07/04/2022 12:27

@Peachy66

I have a wedding in June and I have purchased from Amazon a Wedding Butterfly Memory Keepsake Box which will hold their wedding cards etc. I have just had a look at the Amazon page and it's been reduced !!!!!! I have also purchased 2 Vases for the happy couple. They also requested money for their honeymoon opposed to gifts but I wanted to get them something different, which they could keep.
So they asked for no gifts and you bought them a gift anyway? I will never understand the people on MN.

Same goes for all of those saying buy them a nice bottle of wine or champagne, as they don't want to give cash. What if they hate wine and champagne and everyone does the same?

OP if you can only afford £20 then only give £20, no shame in that at all. It truly is the thought that counts, not the amount.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 12:27

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

Personally I think £20 in cash might look a bit underwhelming. My go-to gift for all weddings/big birthdays is to spend your £20 on a beautiful-looking, boxed scented candle and wrap it beautifully.
I'm sure they'll enjoy setting fire to your beautifully wrapped £20.

Although I'm surprised that it took so long for the 'I'll buy you something I know you don't want to show you how much I look down on you for asking for a contribution towards your honeymoon' crew to show up.

Topbird29 · 07/04/2022 12:27

I think £40 - £50 in euros, or maybe a nice bottle of champagne (they can be £30 - £50).

HollaHolla · 07/04/2022 12:27

Sorry - I think it's a bit tight too, for a good mate. I'd have thought £50 - £60 as more appropriate. I'm on my own, and give that if I'm going to the whole wedding. About £20 - £30 for the evening.

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2022 12:28

€100 in a card,I think I'd rather buy her something than put £20 in as it seems really measly.
If it means cutting back on nails/make up id go that route but if you can't afford the €100 just buy her something really thoughtful and gifts are really beautiful because everytime she uses it she will think of you.

Thursday37 · 07/04/2022 12:28

It's all relative isn't it - income vs affordability.

For me, I give £50 for evening do's or where I don't know the people well. £100 for good friends. More for close family.

When I got married I had amounts varying from £30 to £500, I was grateful for all. The lower amounts were from friends on modest-low incomes. The £500 was family. I think the average was £50 though.

ZimZamZoom · 07/04/2022 12:29

I always give minimum of £50 in a wedding card - which is why I am glad I have not been invited to any weddings recently Grin
£20 is measly for a birthday, let alone a wedding. Sorry.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/04/2022 12:31

@Topbird29

I think £40 - £50 in euros, or maybe a nice bottle of champagne (they can be £30 - £50).
I had a big birthday not that long after getting married..... Lots did this I've got quite a collection of champagne. I don't really drink it.
phishy · 07/04/2022 12:32

@Hollywolly1

€100 in a card,I think I'd rather buy her something than put £20 in as it seems really measly. If it means cutting back on nails/make up id go that route but if you can't afford the €100 just buy her something really thoughtful and gifts are really beautiful because everytime she uses it she will think of you.
€100?!

Given OP is struggling with money at the moment do you really think she was going to pay for a beautician to do her make-up and nails for this wedding?!

PookieHook · 07/04/2022 12:34

Look on the brightside @Itloggedmeoutagain You have loads of potential wedding gifts in waiting now Grin

TheKeatingFive · 07/04/2022 12:35

My go-to gift for all weddings/big birthdays is to spend your £20 on a beautiful-looking, boxed scented candle and wrap it beautifully.

Absolute waste for me, I hate scented candles.

£20 in a card would be a much better gift for many people OP. Go for it.

Honeyroar · 07/04/2022 12:37

I would give the same to someone having a push wedding as small one. A bit less for an evening invite. I think £20 is ok for an evening invitation, but £20 for a good friend’s wedding when you have a good job sounds mean. I’d give at least £30.