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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:

Lipsandlashes · 07/04/2022 11:15

My general rule is enough money in a card that would cover mine and DH’s meal.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 11:16

I don’t think the amount you spend on presents or in money matters to what kind of wedding it is, I mean why more if they’re getting married in a stately home rather than a registry office?

Just seems a bit like the people that spent more money on the wedding who can clearly afford more, get more and the ones that are going minimal get less, almost like they’re worth less.
Maybe I’m wrong but seems the same in all walks of life, people give more to people that get more.

But I would give what I could afford not on what type of wedding it is or what type of people they are.

ComDummings · 07/04/2022 11:17

We got a range of amounts from £20 up to £200, most were around the £20-50 and I was very grateful to be honest, I think £20 for a low key day is fine.

Joystir59 · 07/04/2022 11:17

£20 is tight

ohlife08 · 07/04/2022 11:17

Recently married, we received cash or vouchers to the value of £20 and we were over the moon - it all added up to a lovely help towards stuff for our new house. We also had a pretty low key wedding. But love the suggestion of euros, it shows you're thinking about their honeymoon :)

phishy · 07/04/2022 11:17

@MoonbeamSprinkles

* OP is talking about an inexpensive wedding of an old friend. I think convention suggests that £20 ish is reasonable*

I think whatever you can afford is reasonable, but the idea that you would pay more for a more expensive wedding is in poor taste.
You’re giving a gift not paying for your attendance.

I find more expensive weddings often end up costing more to attend anyway as they are usually in a hotel where you have to pay to stay or travel to.

Just pay what you can afford and what you want to give, don’t start calculating how much you think your dinner cost.

But why? Why not accept people do things differently?

I don’t want to give every couple £100 +, I’d like to spend the money on other things.

froufroufrou · 07/04/2022 11:18

That’s mega cheap. I have a similar friend who got married, same level of contact and she’s quite alternative. I put £200 in the card as DP & I were invited and it was a big stretch for me.
My rule of thumb is £100 pp to cover the dinner and drinks and make sure there is something left over for a gift.
We also drove 7 hrs each way and has a hotel stay for it.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 07/04/2022 11:18

£20 is a joke, it’s what I give for children’s parties when they’re close friends

I’d make it £50 at a bare minimum - more like £80 though.

stuntbubbles · 07/04/2022 11:18

Do you have a chequebook? Something about a cheque elevates the cash-giving, I feel, especially if you have elegant handwriting and use an ink pen – but perhaps it’s the added faff that elevates it!

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2022 11:20

GettinPiggyWithIt

£20 is a joke, it’s what I give for children’s parties when they’re close friends

I’d make it £50 at a bare minimum - more like £80 though.“

Ooh, get you.
You do understand that some people don’t have as much money as you?

Meadmaiden · 07/04/2022 11:20

Honestly, yes it is a very low amount as a wedding gift, and would stand out. If you can afford it, I would give more.

By the way, the hen do sounds excellent, as it isn't expecting guests to spend too much. So often now, it's a weekend in an expensive destination, or multiple pricey activities.

Undertheoldlindentree · 07/04/2022 11:23

@KylieCharlene

I'm on a low wage and really couldn't afford to put much money in the card but I have to say that, yes, £20 is measly for a good friends wedding and I'd be looking probably at £50. Sorry.

Exactly the same view here I'm afraid. I wouldn't prioritise finding the extra cash for the gift over paying essential bills. But I would definitely cut back a bit on food, travel, toiletries, non-essentials etc for the month, just to try and put £50 together.

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 11:24

I don’t want to give every couple £100 +, I’d like to spend the money on other things.

Which is totally fine.
I don’t give £100 to everyone either; I just give how much I can afford and want to give to that person.

It’s just the unfairness of going off how much you think your meal cost rather than how close you are to that person or how much you can afford.

We had a big wedding and it was a choice. We could afford it and we wanted to spoil our guests. I’d hate to think they were calculating how much we spent thinking they had to pay for it.

Why should the guests pay for the couples choices?

When my friends get married I give them money as a celebration of their marriage and thats not influenced by whether I had steak or a buffet.

phishy · 07/04/2022 11:24

@Meadmaiden

Honestly, yes it is a very low amount as a wedding gift, and would stand out. If you can afford it, I would give more.

By the way, the hen do sounds excellent, as it isn't expecting guests to spend too much. So often now, it's a weekend in an expensive destination, or multiple pricey activities.

It really won’t stand out. People give all sorts of amounts, it will blend right in.

Illwithdisappointment · 07/04/2022 11:24

£20 does seem a littleow. Obviously you shouldn't stretch yourself financially if you can't afford it, although I get the impression you can.
I'm not rich but my friend is getting married soon and I'll be giving £50 in a card. Anything else seems a bit low.

Mumdiva99 · 07/04/2022 11:25

Reading your updates....£20 is fine, euros are really kind, a bottle of champagne/sparkling wine to enjoy after the wedding also usually goes down well. (Dor that skint time after the wedding and/or honey moon).

Kuachui · 07/04/2022 11:25

personally i always give £50 but if you cant afford it then dont stretch

Howareyouflower · 07/04/2022 11:25

When I married in 2005, a lady gave us £5. I so appreciated it. I knew she wasn't well off, and I didn't expect gifts or money from anyone. In your position I think I might give £30, but £20 is really fine.

Rewis · 07/04/2022 11:27

If £20 is all you can afford then give £20. However, I would do a bit more. I personally try to go for min £50.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 07/04/2022 11:28

We did something similar and we were very happy with whatever anyone gave us - a few folks just bought a card and a nice bottle of wine or champagne which prob cost around £20-25, we were delighted with anything really!

phishy · 07/04/2022 11:29

@MoonbeamSprinkles

I don’t want to give every couple £100 +, I’d like to spend the money on other things.

Which is totally fine.
I don’t give £100 to everyone either; I just give how much I can afford and want to give to that person.

It’s just the unfairness of going off how much you think your meal cost rather than how close you are to that person or how much you can afford.

We had a big wedding and it was a choice. We could afford it and we wanted to spoil our guests. I’d hate to think they were calculating how much we spent thinking they had to pay for it.

Why should the guests pay for the couples choices?

When my friends get married I give them money as a celebration of their marriage and thats not influenced by whether I had steak or a buffet.

Actually the question I asked OP was where the wedding was, not about the food.

I would give more for a stately home wedding vs a working man’s club (for a friend I see at the key).

A close friend getting married in a working man’s club would still get £100 +.

phishy · 07/04/2022 11:29

*for a friend I see rarely

Rewis · 07/04/2022 11:29

I think for cash I'd go for a bit more. If I could afford £20 then I might buy something instead if cash. Like nice bottle of wine or champagne.

BeepBoopBop · 07/04/2022 11:29

I would feel a little insulted tbh - unless it was from someone I knew was struggling.
Why not just buy them a bottle of champagne and wrap it nicely. Same outlay, more thought.

SailingNotSurfing · 07/04/2022 11:30

I'd give £50, if it wouldn't leave me absolutely skint.

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