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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to just put £20 in the card?

227 replies

Narwhalelife · 07/04/2022 10:20

I’m going to a wedding in a couple of weeks of an old school friend, we have always stayed in contact but rarely meet up (confiscating diaries, lives really) but I think a lot of her.

She is alternative, as is her h2b (think no wedding dress etc) very low key wedding. I went on the hen which was brilliant as just drinks in the town we grew up in.

Money is tight (for everyone) but I do have a good job (which friend knows).

The couple have not asked for presents/money etc but mentioned some cash towards the honeymoon.

AIBU to put £20 in the card with a message like - ‘get yourself some cocktails on me?’ Or is £20 really a measly amount?? Advice please ☺️

OP posts:
Widmerpool · 07/04/2022 10:58

I think £20 is a bit mean for a good friend, yes.

TheDuchessOfMN · 07/04/2022 10:59

@Mamamia7962

You give what you can afford. If other people can afford more than £20 that's fine, if others give less than that's fine too.

I would hate somebody to give me more money than they could comfortably afford just so as not to "appear tight". No wonder so many people have debt problems.

“No wonder so many people have debt problems”

Exactly this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2022 11:00

I think that’s nice Smile

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2022 11:00

And as wedding etiquette goes, I think for a very casual wedding, single guest, no sit down meal, £20 isn’t tight. Even if she were to perceive it to be, then she’s not a friend

Exactly. Plus if all guests give £20, it will add up to a tidy sum they can spend on honeymoon, or mark their wedding in another way.

You'd have to be exceptionally spoilt to not look at the sum that X x £20 adds up to for the total given by all your guests and not feel like you have a nice lump of money to spend on a treat.

Pregnagainagain · 07/04/2022 11:01

I think 30€ might be a better idea, looks like some effort has been made atleast

girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 11:02

I wouldn't want my friend to give me any more than they could really comfortably afford.

I wouldn't invite you to my wedding for money. I'd save more by not inviting you. If I invite you it's because I want you there. Not your purse.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/04/2022 11:02

I'd give £50 as that's the minimum I'd spend on a wedding gift.

phishy · 07/04/2022 11:02

@BarbaraofSeville so why say upthread that ‘How much their wedding costs or the location is irrelevant to your budget, so don't worry about that.’?

KarmaStar · 07/04/2022 11:04

Hi op,gift what you can afford as pp have said but £20,as you want honesty,does seem a bit mean and the buy yourself cocktails seems flippant and maybe a bit careless?(sorry).
Are you good at any crafts yourself you could gift along with the £20?
But with the cost of living rising too fast don't be embarrassed about £20 if that's what you decide on.

axolotlfloof · 07/04/2022 11:04

@MoonbeamSprinkles

* I think it's reasonable to think about what they have spent on you. If they have spent £100 a guest then I think you should try and spend similar, if you can afford it. If its a working men's club then £20/£30 seems reasonable.*

I’m sorry but I think that’s horrible.

You’re going to a wedding not a restaurant. A wedding gift is you wishing the couple well not thanking them for paying for a meal for you.

By that logic I would give my sister who struggles for money less money than my well off acquaintances.

Hmmm Well I don't think it's about fairness but convention. However your example is completely different because your sister is family and you obviously give more to family. OP is talking about an inexpensive wedding of an old friend. I think convention suggests that £20 ish is reasonable. Your example of your sister, convention suggests you should give more because she is family, irrespective of the cost of the wedding. Have a lovely time OP.
MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 11:06

I think it also depends on what stage you are of life, we had a year a in 2019 where we went to 10 weddings.
We had to give a little less that year per wedding than we normally would.

We also factored in how much the wedding would cost us to go to. So an easy wedding in the city centre where we didn’t have to book hotels etc would get more than a destination wedding where we had to pay hundreds to attend before gifts had even been factored in.

prescribingmum · 07/04/2022 11:07

I don't see the gift as a ticket to the wedding so the amount I give depends on how close I am to the B&G. If the wedding has cost me a lot to attend (ie flights and accommodation abroad), I tend to give less too.

When we got married, we requested no gifts at all; some did not give as requested, majority gave around £20, very close friends gave £50 upwards. We had a big wedding that cost a lot - but that was because we wanted it, we did not want anyone to feel they had to pay to attend. Other than the extremely close friends who gave far more than I feel they should have, I would not be able to recall exactly who gave what.

rainingcats · 07/04/2022 11:10

£20 is fine. I can not tell you (or do I care) how much people gave us for wedding gifts.
I also think the vast majority of people feel awkward when their friends gift them large amounts of money.
If you wanted to make a tad more effort then finding out where they are going on honeymoon and giving Euros ect with a ‘have a honeymoon drink on me’ message could be the way to go. Perhaps wrap up with a guidebook or similar of where they are going to make it more gift like.

FortunesFave · 07/04/2022 11:10

I hate this trend of money at weddings. It's fine in wealthy circles but for those who are struggling, it's embarrassing! I remember having this dilemma about 15 years ago when my good mate got married and it was "Money towards the honeymoon".

I was broke! It was a struggle to get an outfit together never mind money for them. I was so embarrassed about it.

MoonbeamSprinkles · 07/04/2022 11:10
  • OP is talking about an inexpensive wedding of an old friend. I think convention suggests that £20 ish is reasonable*

I think whatever you can afford is reasonable, but the idea that you would pay more for a more expensive wedding is in poor taste.
You’re giving a gift not paying for your attendance.

I find more expensive weddings often end up costing more to attend anyway as they are usually in a hotel where you have to pay to stay or travel to.

Just pay what you can afford and what you want to give, don’t start calculating how much you think your dinner cost.

Foreverlexicon · 07/04/2022 11:11

I usually give about £75 including in the past when I’ve been pretty skint.

However if this was my wedding, I would be grateful for anything. I have a massive hatred of other people’s occasions causing other people financial stress (I.e abroad hen dos etc etc) and I would hate any of my loved ones to be put under financial pressure for my occasion.

FortunesFave · 07/04/2022 11:11

@MoonbeamSprinkles

* OP is talking about an inexpensive wedding of an old friend. I think convention suggests that £20 ish is reasonable*

I think whatever you can afford is reasonable, but the idea that you would pay more for a more expensive wedding is in poor taste.
You’re giving a gift not paying for your attendance.

I find more expensive weddings often end up costing more to attend anyway as they are usually in a hotel where you have to pay to stay or travel to.

Just pay what you can afford and what you want to give, don’t start calculating how much you think your dinner cost.

Yes it's an American trend...there they say you have to "cover your plate" I mean...yuk!
thisplaceisweird · 07/04/2022 11:11

I think 50 euros is correct. Especially for a close friend that you went on the hen party for! In this case I would do upwards of 100 but slightly different culture here.

DeoForty · 07/04/2022 11:13

I think £30 would bump it into a very respectable amount for a single person to attend a low key wedding. Twenty feels a bit on the low side to me, and more of a birthday gift than a wedding. But if it's your top number then it is a fine amount.

Catflapkitkat · 07/04/2022 11:14

Some people on here - it's not about being tight if you can't afford it.

You say she is a long-standing friend but you rarely meet up because of conflicting diaries. So she is not you bestie or your sister. £20 is fine but I like the idea of euros in a card. It shows you have made a bit of effort and thought about where the couple was honeymooning.

Neverreturntoathread · 07/04/2022 11:14

I think £50 is usual but if you’re hard up maybe £30? I wouldn’t say ‘have cocktails on me’ I’d say something more like “I wish it could be more, hope every little bit helps and you have a wonderful honeymoon”

BuffyFanForever · 07/04/2022 11:15

Probably wouldn’t give less than £50 really. Especially if you’ve known her a long time.

Wexone · 07/04/2022 11:15

I am on the fence as would say give what you can afford but then do feel 20 pounds is a bit mean for a good friend. If it was here in Ireland, the general felling from friends is 100 to 150 for wedding presents ( sometimes more if its relations) This is my example before people jump down my throat. 50E is for evening invites. And if you are not going still give 50 or 100e. If i was in your shoes would see if can stretch to 50e or buy your friend a nice gift that you can afford that you will know she will appreciate

WTF475878237NC · 07/04/2022 11:15

I would give £50 per head if a full wedding to go towards the meal cost as that's the most I could do. If I only had £20 I'd do that. At some weddings I just gave a card. It also depends on if it's a first marriage for young people or fully established adults with their own home.

JadeTC · 07/04/2022 11:15

@FiveShelties

I would hate people to come to my wedding and be worrying about money. We just wanted people to attend, have a great day and enjoy every minute.

Just give what you can afford.

Me too. Weddings can be expensive as a guest, particularly when there's travel costs, and I would like to think that most couples would appreciate monetary gifts of any amount!