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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking next to me

150 replies

changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

OP posts:
MeridasMum · 07/04/2022 00:01

Oh that's grim.
Nothing wrong with a wank but in private, surely. That's not on. Yuk

Itshothothot · 07/04/2022 00:02

It’s a perfectly normal request in our house, I have no issue with it

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:05

I understand it may be a normal in some relationships but it felt so completely self cantered to even ask like it just doesn’t matter about how I might feel only what he wanted mattered. Feel so beyond a point where I might find that attractive :-((

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 07/04/2022 00:05

Wouldn't bother me but if it bothers you tell him don't just put up with it

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:06

I could be completely off the mark - but my guess is you’re no longer attracted to him.

Get separate beds if you can and let the guy adjust to the new reality.

Notplannedforthis · 07/04/2022 00:06

Erm... I don't think there's actually anything wrong with asking, so long as there's no expectation or guilt attached if the answer is no.

DH and/or I will sometimes do this if we're feeling horny but the other is too tired. It's nicer and more comfortable doing it in bed, feeling close to the other person. Sorry if that's TMI.

Geppili · 07/04/2022 00:07

My DH does this. I don't mind it. If a bloke/ woman normally wanks themselves to sleep how are they meant to do that in a marriage? Should they use the bathroom? I dunno. Do you ever just wank side by side?

pastypirate · 07/04/2022 00:07

Awful. But each to their own.

Geppili · 07/04/2022 00:08

Pastpirate where and when should he wank?

ExtraOnion · 07/04/2022 00:08

Sounds awful …

If you don’t want him to, say so.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:08

Also - if you are no longer attracted to him, discuss opening up the relationship and/or read a huge amount of Esther Perel together and see what you can discover to rekindle the fire.

ForensicFlossy · 07/04/2022 00:09

YANBU that's weird.

Sunnytwobridges · 07/04/2022 00:09

That’s grim. But I prefer to take care of myself in private

Arabiannights01 · 07/04/2022 00:09

Depends on your relationship. It sounds like In yours, you have made it clear how you feel so he is being unreasonable.

In mine, it wouldn’t bother me. We are very open and watch porn together for e.g. he has never asked to masturbates next to me. In the room next door - yes and I haven’t cared but not next to me. I really wouldn’t mind but your Dh sounds like he is being unreasonable to you.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:09

Separate beds not possible and have been trying to keep the family together for years. Mainly ok but sometimes feel like there is no way forward and things like this make it seem impossible.

OP posts:
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:11

@ForensicFlossy

YANBU that's weird.
It’s not that weird to want to ejaculate. The ‘request’ is probably an emotional reaction to rejection. This is something the two of them should be discussing. Hopefully they are brave enough to have an open talk about it.
oviraptor21 · 07/04/2022 00:11

If you're still close I can't see it being a problem. Just snuggle up to him while he gets on with it.
If you're not close then he's asked politely by the sound of it so you can say no 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bunty55 · 07/04/2022 00:13

Why are folk so precious about stuff like this? It would not bother me at all if he did that. I've done it. Sometimes it helps you to get off to sleep and is not about anything sexual as such

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:14

@changeforawhile77

Separate beds not possible and have been trying to keep the family together for years. Mainly ok but sometimes feel like there is no way forward and things like this make it seem impossible.
Thought so. Ok - At this point, you have three choices if you want to stay together. You find a way to get the spark back, you find a way to cope - including not judging your husband for his needs, and him not judging or guilt tripping you - or you open the relationship up.

I’m sorry to be blunt - but those are the three choices.

ManateeFair · 07/04/2022 00:16

It’s not a matter of whether it’s ‘a normal request’. It’s just a matter of personal preference, and context. It’s OK not to be into it, or to be into it in some circumstances but not in others.

Every relationship is different and it sounds like there’s an underlying dynamic between you that’s making you uneasy - that is the problem here, not the request itself. You clearly feel that he asked you this to make you feel guilty or pressured, so that is what you need to address.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:17

The opening up the relationship thing is by no means easy though - go into that only after reading a huge amount about the emotional turmoil it can entail. But it can be done.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:18

Yes did say no. But it’s the asking in the first place that makes me so fucking angry. Knowing I’d hardly jump on the idea but going ahead anyway beciase the need for a wank more important than anything I might feel. What’s the matter with the bathroom??We do have open discussions but yes, I do think he feels rejected I find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate. This doesn’t help.

OP posts:
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:19

Oh and re separate beds not possible. If you have any room that’s not in use at night, bar the bathroom - it is possible. It’s not conventional - but it’s possible. And after some time - I guarantee he’ll adjust, and likely prefer it.

Hawkins001 · 07/04/2022 00:24

@changeforawhile77

Yes did say no. But it’s the asking in the first place that makes me so fucking angry. Knowing I’d hardly jump on the idea but going ahead anyway beciase the need for a wank more important than anything I might feel. What’s the matter with the bathroom??We do have open discussions but yes, I do think he feels rejected I find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate. This doesn’t help.
But with all due respect, would your other half already know how you would feel, if he did not ask ? Have you had this conversation in the past ? And why in your view, does him asking , mean he would annoy you ?
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:24

@changeforawhile77

Yes did say no. But it’s the asking in the first place that makes me so fucking angry. Knowing I’d hardly jump on the idea but going ahead anyway beciase the need for a wank more important than anything I might feel. What’s the matter with the bathroom??We do have open discussions but yes, I do think he feels rejected I find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate. This doesn’t help.
Yup. I’m sorry, again to be blunt - but those open discussions are probably nowhere near open enough sadly. You need to tell him - explicitly - you no longer find him attractive, and then work out a way that you can make this work for your family.

You cannot be judging him for something like this. He’s probably already emotional about the situation and it’s literally a cry for help. Obviously there is very little attractive about that - high makes the spiral worse.

Hook or by crook - start with separate beds. Build independence from each other. Start there. Good luck!