Page 6 | Wanking next to me

changeforawhile77 · 2022-04-06T23:00:20+00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

beattieedny · 07/04/2022 09:00

I wouldn't even take a pee next to dh let alone wank, lol. Very weird. If he's up for it, so am I!

Shadynook1663 · 07/04/2022 09:03

Personally I would wait until he’s in “his stride” and then fire up the biggest vibrator I could find.

Pyewhacket · 07/04/2022 09:03

@gmizzle

The poor guy. I can almost feel your loathing for him through your messages. You need to seperate. What a sad loveless existence

I thought this too.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 07/04/2022 09:03

@SwanBuster

If you read the thread - I was the one who got to the crux of the issue the fastest, and predicted the behaviour of the husband more widely. The OPs replies to my posts confirmed that - what’s so difficult to see? 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is one of the most cringeworthy and pat on the back comments I’ve ever seen. I’m genuinely dying at how proud you are of “working it out first”

This is someone’s life not a fucking sudoku puzzle. Stop being so disgusting.

SueSaid · 07/04/2022 09:16

Oh op. If you've been trying to keep the family together for years and now your dh is asking if he can wank next to you (without you participating) I'd guess things are pretty much unredeemable.

You don't need to be swinging from the chandeliers but if there is no sexual connection or chemistry at all then it's over imo.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 09:16

@changeforawhile77

Swan Blunt not a problem :-) I can’t think of anything I want less than another relationship. And I’m sure this rage will pass, they have before but I’m so angry right now. And whoever said it’s masking the real issues is probably right. I feel like I couldn’t give 2 shits if he shagged someone else.

@changeforawhile77

This has got nothing to do with him walking has it?
You need to let him go and move on with your life, it seems like you’re holding on to this relationship no matter how miserable it’s making you, why?

SueSaid · 07/04/2022 09:17

@Shadynook1663

Personally I would wait until he’s in “his stride” and then fire up the biggest vibrator I could find.

He'd probably like that if she did get involved. Not saying she should feel under pressure to of course.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 09:29

@AnaMRT

I think he’s craving physical intimacy and doesn’t want to cheat. He’s trying to find a way to make himself happy knowing there’s no chance of getting anything physical from you. It’s like a vicious cycle. The more he begs the more turned off you are, the more he craves that physical intimacy. You have two options really. Break up (even if it’s a temporary separation) to give you both the space to breathe, find yourself, get to know what you want/need in life, maybe date. This could either make you miss each other more or realise you are happier apart. I just don’t think staying together as you are now is healthy for both your mental health. You are seething in anger when he wants any kind of emotional intimacy based on what used to happen in the past. He is craving crumbs of intimacy where he can get them from you as he is essentially a good man that doesn’t want to cheat or lose his family. It’s turning you into a bitter person that doesn’t want to be touched and it’s turning him into a desperate man. Both don’t deserve to feel that way for the next 20 years. The other option is to stay as you are but get couples therapy and talk about everything in detail. You are essentially in a broken marriage/relationship so ‘opening up’ the marriage won’t help. It will build resentment further and become more of a disaster than it already is. Best of luck OP!

@AnaMRT I totally agree with this.

Jonny1265 · 07/04/2022 09:30

This relationship is over.

NotMeekNotObedient · 07/04/2022 09:35

Only ok of the other is sleeping!

StopStartStop · 07/04/2022 09:38

@SwanBuster

I guarantee he can do Jack shit to meet the OPs needs until he leaves her alone re sex.

And to do that, he needs to know the reality - in as real terms as possible that his wife isn’t attracted to him.

At that point - they probably need to build independence in all manner of ways from each other. I can practically see this guy in my head - he’s either like a puppy begging for affection, a moody kid or just defeated.

I see a man who doesn't back off even when he knows his wife doesn't want sex. He talks about 'how important sex is to him' and she therefore tries to 'meet his needs' - coerced sex. When she turns him down he wants to wank in bed next to her - not a cosy loving thing in this case but a punishment and reproach 'See! You aren't meeting my needs so you can damn well see, hear and smell me doing it myself.' He's not some sad bloke rejected by a cold wife, he's an unpleasant man who wants sex with an unwilling woman and hasn't bothered to find out what's putting her off sex and trying to correct that.

DogsAndGin · 07/04/2022 09:44

I personally don’t have a problem with it - we are sexual partners after all we are involved in each other’s pleasure 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t know what the problem is

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 09:46

@StopStartStop well said

MumsTheWordFact · 07/04/2022 10:07

I'm guessing there has been so little sex for so long he's desperate for it at all times, so he of course tries to turn a kiss into something more. If you were starving and someone offered you a crisp wouldn't you try to get them to give you the entire bag?

I'm not trying to move the blame squarely onto the OP here, but sexual needs are normal human needs, and that's part of a normal marriage. I don't know what's gone wrong here but it's doubtful the blame is all his. I know this is a forum for women but can we have some balance here?

Everanewbie · 07/04/2022 10:11

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment on both sides here. On the face of it I don't see a problem with him asking. In a healthy relationship both partners should be able to ask, and both should be able to say no. I think i'd find his particular request a bit grim, but others might be ok for it or even find it sexy.

This thread reminds me of the double standards on here. If a woman is not having her needs met, well the man needs to shape up or ship out. At the very least he needs to be trying, i.e. counselling, little blue pills etc. Here the man seems to be a pervert for wanting at least some kind of intimate relationship and no one suggests the op should be working on herself and seeking to address her issues

SleeplessInEngland · 07/04/2022 12:34

From what the OP’s said I find myself feeling sorry for the husband. I doubt he’s oblivious to his wife’s feelings towards him. It’s horrible to want physical intimacy and know your partner doesn’t.

StopStartStop · 07/04/2022 12:51

[quote Indicatrice]@StopStartStop well said[/quote]
Thank you.

housemaus · 07/04/2022 13:56

This request itself wouldn't bother me. The relationship itself sounds like the problem, I'm afraid.

Bewilderbeest · 07/04/2022 16:18

@Everanewbie

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment on both sides here. On the face of it I don't see a problem with him asking. In a healthy relationship both partners should be able to ask, and both should be able to say no. I think i'd find his particular request a bit grim, but others might be ok for it or even find it sexy.

This thread reminds me of the double standards on here. If a woman is not having her needs met, well the man needs to shape up or ship out. At the very least he needs to be trying, i.e. counselling, little blue pills etc. Here the man seems to be a pervert for wanting at least some kind of intimate relationship and no one suggests the op should be working on herself and seeking to address her issues

THIS. OP describes herself as “bossy and controlling”. If she was describing her husband, people would be telling her to LTB. She realises this about herself but thinks he’s the one with the problem. I feel very sorry for her “D”H!

Sundayvibes · 07/04/2022 18:19

Emotional manipulation and Passive aggressive behaviour imo

PoshWatchShitShoes · 07/04/2022 19:57

The hate you feel for your husband seeps out of your messages. The whole thing sounds so sad.

Also, he only gets to pleasure himself in the bathroom? That doesn't sound pleasant either being a cold utility like room.

Geppili · 08/04/2022 02:06

@PoshWatchShitShoes I am so glad you made this point. I asked upthread where one should masturbate if not in bed and was referred to the bathroom!! I couldn't physically have an orgasm unless lying down: no room in bathroom, even on floor. Someone else upthread witheringly replied to a point I made saying "Who wanks themselves to sleep?" Millions of people do this!

Everanewbie · 08/04/2022 11:00

Just imagine for a second that a man posted on here saying that his wife wanted sex but he finds the idea repulsive. She was so sexually frustrated that she asked to use her vibrator in bed next to him, but he said that it was disgusting. Do you think we'd be queuing up here to suggest that was gross, sexually aggressive, insensitive to his feelings and suggest that she should control herself, and if she couldn't do that, F off to the bog to do it?

DontBlameMe79 · 09/04/2022 15:44

Relationship sounds like an unfortunate one that would be best to move on from.

As for the request, I would have no problem and my DP does exactly this. Sometimes I’ll blow him to help out (and keep the sheets clean 😂😂) but usually not and just let him get on with it. Occasionally I’ll join him if I’m in the mood. Totally fine and I quite enjoy listening to the “outcome”. The pearl clutching on here about how weird this request is is weird in itself.

But this relationship sounds so toxic I can see why OP has the reaction described.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/04/2022 16:15

@SwanBuster. Your viewpoint is really interesting. I’m in a similar position to OP— now 60– I’ve been married 26 years (2nd marriage for me) and often felt if I’m honest that I would much prefer to still have a relationship with him and very occasional sex maybe, but live apart and not feel obliged to be round someone quite so much. He doesn’t do much off his own back apart from work. We get on well in a friends way but I find him hard to live with, very prone to tempers, car rage ,moods and secret hard core porn watching virtually daily behind my back when I am out (he doesn’t know I know this) — he also asks exactly what the OP is asked— and I say I am ok with it- but if I’m honest I’ve always found it yuk. to be honest if I was just having him over for odd meals or watching a film it wouldn’t bother me— I just would prefer more space in life to be me. I would much prefer to be friends with benefits. I haven’t split because I would be very sad to lose the friendship and there’s always that possibility if he meet someone someone who can’t accept me as a friend. However although we could afford it just about, even without divorcing, — I know the suggestion would go down like a bucket of cold sick and he would just see it as ‘criticism ‘ (which it kind of is) -