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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking next to me

150 replies

changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

OP posts:
Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:24

Swan
Blunt not a problem :-)
I can’t think of anything I want less than another relationship. And I’m sure this rage will pass, they have before but I’m so angry right now. And whoever said it’s masking the real issues is probably right.
I feel like I couldn’t give 2 shits if he shagged someone else.

OP posts:
onemorerose · 07/04/2022 00:25

You need to talk with your partner. If you find it impossible to be physically affectionate as you say then I feel sorry for him.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:27

@changeforawhile77

Swan Blunt not a problem :-) I can’t think of anything I want less than another relationship. And I’m sure this rage will pass, they have before but I’m so angry right now. And whoever said it’s masking the real issues is probably right. I feel like I couldn’t give 2 shits if he shagged someone else.
Good start. Tell him that - but in kinder words.

The key question is - do you still love each other - taking attraction out of the equation?

NowNowDermot · 07/04/2022 00:29

Why do you find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate OP? Because he pressures/guilts you or something else? I can understand it feeling like more pressure if that dynamic is already there, what he's basically saying is 'well if you won't do it....' by even asking the question.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:30

Hawkins - lots of discussion about how important sex is to him and I try and make sure he fees his needs are met and prob I’m quite resentful if this. He’s not a sex maniac :) I’m sure it’s reasonable but I still find it hard to accommodate. He’s a nice man. Mostly. Just right now I’m so angry and upset.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 07/04/2022 00:30

@NowNowDermot

Why do you find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate OP? Because he pressures/guilts you or something else? I can understand it feeling like more pressure if that dynamic is already there, what he's basically saying is 'well if you won't do it....' by even asking the question.
But on the flip side, would him asking , show he takes the ops preference into consideration ?
avamiah · 07/04/2022 00:31

@ManateeFair

It’s not a matter of whether it’s ‘a normal request’. It’s just a matter of personal preference, and context. It’s OK not to be into it, or to be into it in some circumstances but not in others.

Every relationship is different and it sounds like there’s an underlying dynamic between you that’s making you uneasy - that is the problem here, not the request itself. You clearly feel that he asked you this to make you feel guilty or pressured, so that is what you need to address.

I have to totally agree with you.

Let’s be honest here, your other half just doesn’t out of the blue one night in bed ask you if it’s ok if she/he has a wank next to you if they have never done it before.

Hawkins001 · 07/04/2022 00:32

@changeforawhile77

Hawkins - lots of discussion about how important sex is to him and I try and make sure he fees his needs are met and prob I’m quite resentful if this. He’s not a sex maniac :) I’m sure it’s reasonable but I still find it hard to accommodate. He’s a nice man. Mostly. Just right now I’m so angry and upset.
On the filp side, rather than your dh just focusing on his needs, how would you prefer him to help with your needs and can your needs be fulfilled ?
Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:34

Because at some point, and I don’t know when it happened, any physical affection from me he seemed to interpret as a come-on so over the last few years I’ve edged further and further away.

OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 07/04/2022 00:36

Just break up.
What is the actual point?

You can't bear to be physically affectionate, you feel angry if he wanks in the same bed, ...it all just sounds really miserable for you bith.
Break up and then you live without having to touch anyone and he can find someone who will love him fully.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:36

I guarantee he can do Jack shit to meet the OPs needs until he leaves her alone re sex.

And to do that, he needs to know the reality - in as real terms as possible that his wife isn’t attracted to him.

At that point - they probably need to build independence in all manner of ways from each other. I can practically see this guy in my head - he’s either like a puppy begging for affection, a moody kid or just defeated.

Hawkins001 · 07/04/2022 00:37

@changeforawhile77

Because at some point, and I don’t know when it happened, any physical affection from me he seemed to interpret as a come-on so over the last few years I’ve edged further and further away.
Ah I see, so as an example you want e.g. A hug, or kisses session, which you then do, but then your oh, automatically presumes, that the session will go further ect ?
SouperNoodle · 07/04/2022 00:38

It's all relative. In some relationships it's perfectly fine, in others it's not.
If you're unhappy with it then you need to communicate that to him.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:38

@changeforawhile77

Because at some point, and I don’t know when it happened, any physical affection from me he seemed to interpret as a come-on so over the last few years I’ve edged further and further away.
Both of you - read ‘the state of affairs’ and ‘mating in captivity’.

You’ll both love the books, I really wish you the best.

LampLighter414 · 07/04/2022 00:38

He asked instead of just doing it. Which is respectful.

I'm sure there are plenty out there who wouldn't mind or would find it somewhat arousing or enjoyable and without any requirement to help out or take part in other sexual activities

Furrbabymama87 · 07/04/2022 00:43

It's fine if you're OK with it. If you're not, it's not ok. I'm probably the one that does this more in my relationship to be honest.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:46

I can practically see this guy in my head - he’s either like a puppy begging for affection, a moody kid or just defeated

Yes I think all of these. Which makes me a total shit. It must be crap for him. I wish I could fix it all it’s such a mess.
And thanks Skellig for your words of wisdom neither of us want to just give up on the relationship because we want to keep the family together.

OP posts:
RustyShackleford3 · 07/04/2022 00:47

I would read it as a sexual request - ie, I would be expected to watch, join in etc. DH and I do this sometimes.

If he really doesn't want any input from you then it does seem weird to me. I'd expect him to go to the toilet and do it. But I suppose every couple is different.

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 00:48

Fucking hell, why are you wasting your life like this? You're clinging on to this dead dog of a marriage for what? It's clearly been over for ages. Just let it go already.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:49

One last thing - and it’s another guess - and weirdly enough almost contrary to the current situation.

In the rest of your life together you wish he’d actually stand up to you more - instead of always being compliant?

Skelligsfeathers · 07/04/2022 00:51

But keeping a family together is only worthwhile if the lynchpins are happy and fulfilled. If keeping the family together means both being miserable, what is the point?
Seriously, i have been with my dh for 30 years but i reached the stage where i couldn't bear to be physically affectionate to him, then what would be the point of carrying on?

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:54

@changeforawhile77

I can practically see this guy in my head - he’s either like a puppy begging for affection, a moody kid or just defeated

Yes I think all of these. Which makes me a total shit. It must be crap for him. I wish I could fix it all it’s such a mess.
And thanks Skellig for your words of wisdom neither of us want to just give up on the relationship because we want to keep the family together.

Bang.

Do you know how I can read all of this so well from such minor info?

Because I’ve been there - in your husbands position.

You can make this work, and keep the family together. It won’t be conventional - but who cares. Read what I wrote again in the other posts.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:56

No Swan, he’s not a doormat. I’m very assertive / bossy but he’ll let me know when it’s too much :-)
Yes Skellig I’d probably advise the same but if there is something to be salvaged I’ll do a few more years.

OP posts:
Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:58

I will read them Swan. Thank you.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 07/04/2022 00:58

@changeforawhile77

No Swan, he’s not a doormat. I’m very assertive / bossy but he’ll let me know when it’s too much :-) Yes Skellig I’d probably advise the same but if there is something to be salvaged I’ll do a few more years.
How high is your affection drive vs your oh ?
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