Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking next to me

150 replies

changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

OP posts:
AliceAbsolum · 07/04/2022 04:48

Would you consider relationship counseling?

Flittingaboutagain · 07/04/2022 04:58

Sounds like it's time to split up to me. So much unhappiness under the surface with no real progress in years of trying to hold the family together.

PrincessNutella · 07/04/2022 05:14

Why can't he, in the comfort of his bed?

flyingdream · 07/04/2022 05:17

Separate beds otherwise he's responsible for changing the bedsheets and laundry. Yeah I think that's disgusting.

ittakes2 · 07/04/2022 05:30

This is not about the wanking its about how you feel about your relationship. I sometimes find it helps me sleep if I am overtired. Its just a practical thing but you are viewing this as him trying to be controlling in some way. Maybe he is. Ask him why he has asked you.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 05:42

@HellToTheNope

Fucking hell, why are you wasting your life like this? You're clinging on to this dead dog of a marriage for what? It's clearly been over for ages. Just let it go already.
Agreed. Keeping the family together is usually an excuse not to take action.
AnaMRT · 07/04/2022 05:44

I think he’s craving physical intimacy and doesn’t want to cheat. He’s trying to find a way to make himself happy knowing there’s no chance of getting anything physical from you. It’s like a vicious cycle. The more he begs the more turned off you are, the more he craves that physical intimacy. You have two options really. Break up (even if it’s a temporary separation) to give you both the space to breathe, find yourself, get to know what you want/need in life, maybe date. This could either make you miss each other more or realise you are happier apart. I just don’t think staying together as you are now is healthy for both your mental health. You are seething in anger when he wants any kind of emotional intimacy based on what used to happen in the past. He is craving crumbs of intimacy where he can get them from you as he is essentially a good man that doesn’t want to cheat or lose his family. It’s turning you into a bitter person that doesn’t want to be touched and it’s turning him into a desperate man. Both don’t deserve to feel that way for the next 20 years. The other option is to stay as you are but get couples therapy and talk about everything in detail. You are essentially in a broken marriage/relationship so ‘opening up’ the marriage won’t help. It will build resentment further and become more of a disaster than it already is. Best of luck OP!

Onlyforcake · 07/04/2022 05:45

Literally the most self centered thing to do. I know the cool wives would be all eye rolling but if he's expecting to have his 'needs' seen to and just wants to wank then he's the one not remotely invested in an ongoing relationship he's not relating. He's self absorbed. No point pandering get out.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 05:58

@AnaMRT

He is craving crumbs of intimacy where he can get them from you as he is essentially a good man that doesn’t want to cheat or lose his family. It’s turning you into a bitter person that doesn’t want to be touched and it’s turning him into a desperate man.

I disagree. He sounds manipulative and sly. It sounds like he knew asking to wank next to OP would trigger her and he did it deliberately. He doesn’t sound like a good man at all, and OP sounds like she’s realising that. Sad that you call her bitter and him a good and desperate man, so far, so misogynistic.

Suzi888 · 07/04/2022 05:59

YANBU
I wouldn’t have that….

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 06:00

@Onlyforcake

Literally the most self centered thing to do. I know the cool wives would be all eye rolling but if he's expecting to have his 'needs' seen to and just wants to wank then he's the one not remotely invested in an ongoing relationship he's not relating. He's self absorbed. No point pandering get out.
Yes, the bit about the history of having his needs met is important and, typical of MN, it’s been missed or ignored by the cool wives.
autienotnaughty · 07/04/2022 06:02

It wouldn't offend me but definitely ok to say no. He can always use bathroom.

Soupercat · 07/04/2022 06:05

@Skelligsfeathers

Just break up. What is the actual point?

You can't bear to be physically affectionate, you feel angry if he wanks in the same bed, ...it all just sounds really miserable for you bith.
Break up and then you live without having to touch anyone and he can find someone who will love him fully.

Agree. Ffs
StarlightLady · 07/04/2022 06:13

It wouldn’t concern me. As a woman it’s something l’ve done when next to someone in bed. At times, l like to be held while doing it.

But, there is clearly a lot more going on here.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:16

@overnightangel

So the person on the thread who managed to most accurately predict the situation, who admits that they have lived in a similar one and who got through it is the one giving terrible advice?!

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:21

[quote Indicatrice]@AnaMRT

He is craving crumbs of intimacy where he can get them from you as he is essentially a good man that doesn’t want to cheat or lose his family. It’s turning you into a bitter person that doesn’t want to be touched and it’s turning him into a desperate man.

I disagree. He sounds manipulative and sly. It sounds like he knew asking to wank next to OP would trigger her and he did it deliberately. He doesn’t sound like a good man at all, and OP sounds like she’s realising that. Sad that you call her bitter and him a good and desperate man, so far, so misogynistic.[/quote]
Of course he’s being manipulative! Neither of them are truly confronting the situation they’ve found themselves in. That he currently lacks the emotional intelligence to do this is a product of the hurt he’ll be feeling from the hopelessness he’ll be experiencing.

The only way round this situation is honest dialogue.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 06:26

[quote SwanBuster]@overnightangel

So the person on the thread who managed to most accurately predict the situation, who admits that they have lived in a similar one and who got through it is the one giving terrible advice?![/quote]
What are you on about, what did you predict?

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:29

If you read the thread - I was the one who got to the crux of the issue the fastest, and predicted the behaviour of the husband more widely. The OPs replies to my posts confirmed that - what’s so difficult to see? 🤷🏻‍♀️

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:30

(I was composing my first post before I could see the OPs second one too).

WonderfulYou · 07/04/2022 06:32

Yes did say no. But it’s the asking in the first place that makes me so fucking angry.

YABVU

He’s asked you before he went ahead and did it anyway - all you have to do is say yes or no.
There doesn’t need to be all of the extra drama.

If you don’t want him to do it next to you then he’ll have fo do it in the shower or something.
Where do you masturbate?

No one should feel uncomfortable asking their partner something and you’ve made it a way bigger deal than it has to be.

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:35

@Indicatrice - oh and by the way, pointing out that he’s ‘sly and manipulative’ gets the OP precisely nowhere. She knows that and so does he - because he’s trying every tool in the box to try and fix this situation and unquestionably, he’ll be making it worse and worse.

But if you can’t offer actual practical advice to achieve something, your post is rather pointless.

speakout · 07/04/2022 06:36

No problem in our relationship. Sometimes the other joins in, sometimes we cheerlead from the benches, sometimes the other sleeps.

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/04/2022 06:38

That's grim op. But at least he asked I suppose.
It would give me the ick though and no going back from it I'm afraid .

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:38

@speakout

No problem in our relationship. Sometimes the other joins in, sometimes we cheerlead from the benches, sometimes the other sleeps.
And unfortunately posts like this are just bragging. There are fundamental issues in their relationship which go far beyond this to resolve.
2anddone · 07/04/2022 06:41

Not rtft but xh used to do this next to me without asking, I used to be woken by his groaning and hand moving the cover. Later found out it was happening on the nights he had either gone online for webcam sex or met complete strangers off the internet for sex at their houses. He was reimagining his experiences while lying next to me AngryEnvy(not envy!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread