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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking next to me

150 replies

changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 07/04/2022 06:46

I don’t think it’s unreasonable in a marriage really, but it’s clearly something you’re not wanting to happen so say no.

BuffyFanForever · 07/04/2022 06:47

Him asking is ok. You declining is ok. Don’t see why he can’t ask presumably it’s his bed too. If you don’t like it you can say so and he can make suitable other arrangements. Not sure why people are so horrified.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 06:47

@SwanBuster

If you read the thread - I was the one who got to the crux of the issue the fastest, and predicted the behaviour of the husband more widely. The OPs replies to my posts confirmed that - what’s so difficult to see? 🤷🏻‍♀️
No, you didn’t @SwanBuster. Get off your high horse.
Guavaf1sh · 07/04/2022 06:48

I feel very sorry for him. Being stuck with partners like OP is why people have affairs I guess

SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 06:51

@Indicatrice - I did, and you’re just lashing out because your unhelpful post was called out for what it was. An analysis of the situation without delving into the ‘why’. Lightweight and entirely devoid of anything practical.

RewildingAmbridge · 07/04/2022 06:52

I think there is an element of abuse here, at the very least sexually inappropriate behaviour, there's a history of him prioritising his own sexual needs, OP has made it clear she doesn't like it when he masturbates next to her, she feels it is an attempt to make her feel guilty for a lack of physical affection from her, which is borne from him taking any sign of physical affection as a cue for sex (sexual preoccupation). Yet he continues to push the point. She said no before, why isn't that respected?

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 06:55

[quote SwanBuster]@Indicatrice - I did, and you’re just lashing out because your unhelpful post was called out for what it was. An analysis of the situation without delving into the ‘why’. Lightweight and entirely devoid of anything practical.[/quote]
Again, what are you on about? Who called what out?

You have a real high opinion of your 2 bit advice.

balalake · 07/04/2022 07:21

Some things should be private. What your DH asked for should be, not with you or anyone else present.

Gowithme · 07/04/2022 07:37

Me and OH wank in bed no issues - it's really just the tip of the iceberg though isn't it. TBH it sounds like you hate him, and everything he does makes you hate him more. You're just looking for reasons to hate him because you hate him so much. If he just wanked next to you I could almost understand your anger, but he asked and you said no and (by the sounds of it) that was the end of it.

This is about as unhealthy as it gets. Please for the sake of the kids either leave if you can't get past it or work on why you were together in the first place and work out a plan together. If you know you are controlling and whatever then why aren't you doing something about that? If you need total control over intimacy then why not make the boundaries all entirely clear to him - write them down so you can refer him back to them if needs be.

It's very confusing because you say he's not a sex maniac while every other thing you say seems to suggest he is and that you can't have any physical affection without him thinking/hoping it will lead to sex. I cannot imagine the tension and atmosphere in your house, for everyone's sake you need to sort this out properly or just split up, the more and more you hate each other the more acrimonious the split is likely to be when it does happen surely? Which is going to be worse for the kids whatever age they are.

AdamRyan · 07/04/2022 07:46

This thread is awful
op it sounds like you feel pressured for sex a lot and this is the latest occurrence of that? In my opinion, hassling and pressuring for sex is abusive, it's coercive and you aren't giving active consent for the sex you do have.
I've been in a relationship like that for a long time, made a huge effort to meet exH needs fir more sex, he probably could have come on and spouted about how we "fixed" it. I used to find him wanking all the time and he'd expect me to join in....and be upset if I didn't.
That relationship was abusive in lots of ways, driven by his entitlement to be put first in everything. His sexual behaviour was one facet of that.
I'm in a new relationship now and turns out the issue was not me being frigid/low sex drive/vanilla/whatever. At best the issue with exh was incompatibility. At worst it was that he was abusive, so I didn't feel safe, so not going to be into sex with him.

BuffyFanForever · 07/04/2022 07:57

All the people here that say that asking to have some form of physical relationship with your significant other is abusive ?! Goodness then all relationships are only friendship? What’s the point of having any other kind of relationship if you have that attitude. The OP clearly is extremely unhappy in her relationship shop and it sounds like her other half is completely unfulfilled and presumably very unhappy also! It sounds like he has spoken about his needs at length and has actually given up attempting to even be intimate with his wife in any way and just asked to satisfy a basic need in the comfort of his own bed. Feel quite sorry for him to be honest!

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 07:59

@BuffyFanForever

All the people here that say that asking to have some form of physical relationship with your significant other is abusive ?! Goodness then all relationships are only friendship? What’s the point of having any other kind of relationship if you have that attitude. The OP clearly is extremely unhappy in her relationship shop and it sounds like her other half is completely unfulfilled and presumably very unhappy also! It sounds like he has spoken about his needs at length and has actually given up attempting to even be intimate with his wife in any way and just asked to satisfy a basic need in the comfort of his own bed. Feel quite sorry for him to be honest!
Who has said asking your SO for a physical relationship is abusive?
Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 07/04/2022 08:02

@Indicatrice you are making yourself look a bit daft…. @SwanBuster has made several considered posts on this thread and appears to be contributing relevant and sensible thoughts. Unlike you.

Indicatrice · 07/04/2022 08:07

[quote Whetheryouthinkyoucan]@Indicatrice* you are making yourself look a bit daft…. *@SwanBuster has made several considered posts on this thread and appears to be contributing relevant and sensible thoughts. Unlike you.[/quote]
I’m not saying she is totally wrong, but she seems obsessed with being top poster for some reason, it’s irritating.

I have contributed, and agree with OP, rather than @SwanBuster who says she is in OP’s DH’s shoes at the moment who to me sounds abusive. So I disagree with some of what she says. You are free to hold your own opinion.

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/04/2022 08:10

You can't conjure up intimacy from nowhere and lack of it kills a relationship.
It's time for you both to be honest with yourselves and be realistic about the future.

People are obsessed with this notion of a 'broken home' but it really doesn't have to be like that. I consider myself a much better mum since I split from dcs father, and if communications are not hostile you can make effective coparents.

It just means he is free to persue a relationship with someone who wants him and you are free from the pressure of having to pretend to be into something you're really not.

The world has changed from this traditional set up, and your childrens world is only unstable if you make it so.

Good luck.

gmizzle · 07/04/2022 08:11

The poor guy. I can almost feel your loathing for him through your messages. You need to seperate. What a sad loveless existence

PeanuttyButter · 07/04/2022 08:16

No issues here. If I'm not in the mood then I don't mind if he helps himself. I wouldn't be keen if he cracked open the porn but him lay in bed pleasuring himself wouldn't bother me. Similarly I would expect him to not mind if the situation was reversed.

whynotwhatknot · 07/04/2022 08:17

Dont stay for the kids t will only make things worse-you think they dont know theres problems they do

Bewilderbeest · 07/04/2022 08:29

Why stay with someone you so obviously despise? Bloke wishes his wife loved him - what a monster! You hate him so much that even if he asked to blow his nose he’d annoy you. If you think your family hasn’t picked up on this dynamic then you’re mad, I’m afraid. Keeping the family together is pointless - set the poor man and yourself free fgs.

BiscuitLover3678 · 07/04/2022 08:31

Is it because of why he’s asked?

I feel like if someone is doing that it’s because he’s subtlety wanting you to do something?

Really he should just do it in private.

EarlyStarters · 07/04/2022 08:33

Yeah I just think this can totally vary based on the relationship.

My DH (or I) wouldn't ask at all if we knew the other wasn't going to be happy about it that day. And we don't mind if the other person says sorry not today I'm really not in the mood.

But we find each other masturbating pretty hot. I don't think it's ever ended with it still being a solo effort. So I guess in our marriage it's more a sort of foreplay.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 07/04/2022 08:37

Just LOL I find that so weird!!

ShepherdMoons · 07/04/2022 08:51

I think I'd rather separate with someone and be happier all round than live with someone who I was no longer attracted to or loved. Also the behaviour is making you uncomfortable so I would say better to let him get on with it alone and let you make your own way. Even if it's a financial squeeze it's not worth you feeling awful.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/04/2022 08:54

Agree with a few PPs. You so obviously loathe and despise him.
Maybe he deserves it, I don't know.
YABU to be furious he even asked.
You have no marriage.

Velvian · 07/04/2022 08:59

Envy That is really grim. Not particularly worried about trying to make himself alluring is he!