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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking next to me

150 replies

changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 00:00

AIBU? I’m sure not. DH asked if I mind if he masturbates next to me in bed. Yes I really do mind. History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’. Totally pissed off that he asked knowing how I would feel. Well, more that it doesn’t matter what I would feel. Is this a normal request?

OP posts:
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 00:59

@changeforawhile77

No Swan, he’s not a doormat. I’m very assertive / bossy but he’ll let me know when it’s too much :-) Yes Skellig I’d probably advise the same but if there is something to be salvaged I’ll do a few more years.
Ah ok - I’ll rephrase then.

Do you wish he’d sometimes take charge?

alltheteeshirts · 07/04/2022 00:59

Sounds like the relationship died a long time ago, TBH.

You have the ick.

The more he begs for crumbs, the more you find him repulsive.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to promote to your kids? Do you demonstrate any kind of physical affection to their father, such as holding hands, hugging or innocent kisses? If you can't bear for him to touch you, the answer is probably no. Or if the answer is yes, you probably give off signals that you are hating every moment of it.

You either accept this relationship is dead in the water, or you talk through your issues at couples counselling. You can't just keep plodding along like this, with both of you getting increasingly unhappier and unhappier. But for it to have got to this stage, it's going to be pretty difficult coming back.

Just how much do you both want this to work? It's not enough to want it for the kids. You also have to want it for yourselves.

LBFseBrom · 07/04/2022 01:00

How disrespectful, does he have no self control? Honestly! Tell him no.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 01:00

Maybe yes but it’d be hard for him to do so a I’m both bossy and controlling. But that’s come through years of always having to?

OP posts:
NowNowDermot · 07/04/2022 01:01

That's a familiar dynamic for me too OP, I thought that would be the reason. I can tell you from experience that getting him to understand that everything he's doing is driving you away rather than making you want him is your biggest problem.

It seems to be a vicious circle with some men, starting with perceived rejection and ending in some sort of spiral where sex becomes all important and they end up in a place where guilting you into 'giving in' becomes acceptable. That's where I would start with him, ask him does he really want to have to guilt/pressure you into sex? Wouldn't he prefer you to actually want him? And then tell him what you need him to do/not do to make that happen.

Assuming you want to try to resolve things and stay together that would be my advice, it may not work but you will have given him the opportunity to fix it, the rest is up to him. I wish they realised what an absolute turn-off being pestered, guilted and pressured actually is, it's completely counterproductive but they can't seem to see it.

Original poster
changeforawhile77 · 07/04/2022 01:05

Yes dermot that’s totally it.
Thank you all. It’s been helpful.

OP posts:
AuntTwacky · 07/04/2022 01:05

@Geppili

My DH does this. I don't mind it. If a bloke/ woman normally wanks themselves to sleep how are they meant to do that in a marriage? Should they use the bathroom? I dunno. Do you ever just wank side by side?
Who wanks themselves to sleep?! Not on for me
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 01:05

@LBFseBrom

How disrespectful, does he have no self control? Honestly! Tell him no.
I really find it sad when people don’t think about what might be behind these situations and think it’s all just this simple.
AuntTwacky · 07/04/2022 01:05

@Geppili

Pastpirate where and when should he wank?
Shower
SwanBuster · 07/04/2022 01:07

@changeforawhile77

Maybe yes but it’d be hard for him to do so a I’m both bossy and controlling. But that’s come through years of always having to?
Again. Been there.

He needs to concentrate on himself - and stop trying to ‘fix’ this problem.

It’d be a bold move - but I’d let him read this thread.

NowNowDermot · 07/04/2022 01:07

I've been there and we did manage to fix it OP, feel free to PM me if you think it might help.

avamiah · 07/04/2022 01:12

@HellToTheNope

Fucking hell, why are you wasting your life like this? You're clinging on to this dead dog of a marriage for what? It's clearly been over for ages. Just let it go already.
Yeah your right to be honest.
Craftylover43 · 07/04/2022 01:14

Thats repulsive, no wonder you don't want to have sex OP! It's sexually abusive to try and guilt, manipulate or gaslight someone into having sex. And putting you in a sexual situation that you feel uncomfortable with is also sexually abusive. To use it as a repercussion of you not having sex with him is also sexual abusive. He can wank in any room you are not in, he has no reason to make you feel so uncomfortable when you made it clear you were not ok with it. OP has explained that part of the reason she doesn't want to have sex is because her partner treats her like an object, expecting sex with any sign of affection she gives. My advice OP would be to discuss with your partner how he makes you feel and why it's an immediate turn off, explain that you do want to cuddle and show affection, feel close etc but feel you can't without him expecting sex. Maybe suggest a date night with no sex involved and make it clear from the start so your both on the same page, just the two of you showing each other that you mean something more to each other than sex. Physical connection is usually more than enough to get a man aroused whereas women tend to need more of a mental and emotional connection, try explaining this to your partner and see if with some effort on both sides, you two can get on the same page. Good luck!

Selma22 · 07/04/2022 01:15

Couldn't care less.We are adults and if I'm not in a mood and he needs a bit of a release then he should t go and hide it like some dirty secret

SparklingLime · 07/04/2022 01:18

@Bunty55

Why are folk so precious about stuff like this? It would not bother me at all if he did that. I've done it. Sometimes it helps you to get off to sleep and is not about anything sexual as such
Right there in the first post, OP says:

History of making me feel responsible for his ‘needs’.

Selma22 · 07/04/2022 01:19

Read the whole thread....somits not as simply as someone having a wank.There is a relationship problem etc

rocksonrocks · 07/04/2022 01:19

@Craftylover43

Thats repulsive, no wonder you don't want to have sex OP! It's sexually abusive to try and guilt, manipulate or gaslight someone into having sex. And putting you in a sexual situation that you feel uncomfortable with is also sexually abusive. To use it as a repercussion of you not having sex with him is also sexual abusive. He can wank in any room you are not in, he has no reason to make you feel so uncomfortable when you made it clear you were not ok with it. OP has explained that part of the reason she doesn't want to have sex is because her partner treats her like an object, expecting sex with any sign of affection she gives. My advice OP would be to discuss with your partner how he makes you feel and why it's an immediate turn off, explain that you do want to cuddle and show affection, feel close etc but feel you can't without him expecting sex. Maybe suggest a date night with no sex involved and make it clear from the start so your both on the same page, just the two of you showing each other that you mean something more to each other than sex. Physical connection is usually more than enough to get a man aroused whereas women tend to need more of a mental and emotional connection, try explaining this to your partner and see if with some effort on both sides, you two can get on the same page. Good luck!
What?? Nothing about the OP suggests sexual abuse for goodness sake.
byrons · 07/04/2022 01:20

I'm sorry you are going through this. Thanks

It's incredibly tough admitting to yourself that the relationship is over but it does sound like yours is.

I think that him knowing how uncomfortable his question would make you feel and still asking it is what makes this disrespectful.

ExH used to think everything could be fixed if we had more sex. It can't.
You can't make yourself feel something for a person no matter how much you want to or what your feelings were in the past.

I agree with the pp who expressed what a waste of time that would be.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/04/2022 01:35

So you don't fancy him much because he doesn't pull his weight as an adult partner should? Or he does try to pull his weight but can't get it right because your standards are ridiculously high? Is he supportive to you? Does he make your life easier or would your life be easier if he wasn't in it? Does he help you with stuff? Does he automatically do what needs to be done?

It's hard to fancy a man child.

Everyone has needs.

Mumdad1237 · 07/04/2022 01:55

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Mumdad1237 · 07/04/2022 01:56

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oakleaffy · 07/04/2022 01:56

@changeforawhile77

Yes did say no. But it’s the asking in the first place that makes me so fucking angry. Knowing I’d hardly jump on the idea but going ahead anyway beciase the need for a wank more important than anything I might feel. What’s the matter with the bathroom??We do have open discussions but yes, I do think he feels rejected I find it almost impossible to be physically affectionate. This doesn’t help.
It must be difficult for both of you in these circumstances :(

It might be better to end things, at least then he might find someone who is willing to give physical affection, and you too get peace without feeling angry.
Marriage just isn't a long term solution for many couples once physical warmth and sex has evaporated.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/04/2022 03:02

I would see this as a kind of aggressive come on. Like he's saying “I'm so horny I'm going to masturbate here right next to you so you can experience it too. Maybe it will entice you to join in but either way I'll get mine and you have to know all about it, about how horny I am! I think that's disrespectful.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/04/2022 03:05

Sort of like when a man decides that looking at you while on a train having a wank is ok.

overnightangel · 07/04/2022 03:27

@SwanBuster

Also - if you are no longer attracted to him, discuss opening up the relationship and/or read a huge amount of Esther Perel together and see what you can discover to rekindle the fire.
Terrible advice
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