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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriend

130 replies

BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 22:01

First post, longtime lurker. My DS has been with his gf for 8 months. She pretty much stayed over on a regular basis at the beginning, so much so that she may as well have moved in. My DS never asked me, he just moved her in whilst I was away with DD. They'd been together 2 weeks. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. At no point in these 3 weeks did she make any effort to interact with me, no thank you for letting me stay etc...not even a hello/goodnight. Probably no more than 5 words in this 3 week period. Over the last 8 months, she has taken over my sons room with her stuff, hung her clothes in his wardrobe, packed them in the drawer under his bed, put her food in my fridge. Etc. You get the idea. All whilst barely talking to me.

She has "disappeared" on a night out, and said her drink was spiked, not contacting him until the next afternoon when he'd spent the previous night looking for her. I'll admit I don't like her and think he can do better. However I've never made this known directly to her. My main issue is that DS has a demanding job, sometimes working 12 hour days, for which he earns a good salary. He also has a trust fund. She doesn't work, never has done, and claims benefits.

Tomorrow he picks up the keys to their new flat. He hasn't said a word to me. I found out because the girlfriend ecstatically told my youngest DC, his sister, that her brother was moving out. I'm so upset that not only has my once close DS completely shut me out of this fairly big life decision, but that he's moving in with someone who can't contribute fairly to their joint life, but who also lies in bed 24/7 and doesn't clean or tidy his room. The room she stays in for days at a time, never leaving. Only to go to the toilet or bathroom. My friends, and his, have said they don't like her, and how he's changed. And not in a good way. He's not the person he used to be. I feel she can be quite controlling. I'm not sure why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do apart from be there when it all goes wrong. Any advice from anyone that's been through similar would be a help right now

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 06/04/2022 22:12

How old is your DS and the girlfriend?

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 06/04/2022 22:15

Your own advice is spot on just be there for him if it goes wrong. Do not make the mistake of pushing him away.. kill her with kindness

PJsAndRainyDays · 06/04/2022 22:17

Agree with PP, kill it with kindness. Trying to fight it in anyway will probably make them more determined to stick it out. Sure he'll get sick of her soon enough when they both find out the reality of living on their own.

Bryonny84 · 06/04/2022 22:22

Don't interfere as you'll be the bad guy. Let them try and make their way and when it goes wrong be there for your son. The girlfriend sounds like a user and hopefully his eyes will be opened when they live together. He's out working all the time and she's at home spending his money. Who will put up with that? You never know though, maybe it will be the making of both of them.

Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 23:01

Sorry @LampLighter414, should have said in my post. He's just turned 22, and shes 20

OP posts:
Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 23:05

This is what I'm hoping. That if I kill it with kindness, rather than saying how I really feel, it'll end up falling apart. As you said, I agree... think the reality of real life will do that on its own @PJsAndRainyDays

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 23:09

Treat your son like everything is wonderful and hope to fuck he doesn't get this fannylodger loser pregnant.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 06/04/2022 23:13

Sorry to read this op. I agree with above be kind and let them live there own lives. My gut feeling with this one is a baby will be here soon.

RosesAndHellebores · 06/04/2022 23:15

Let's hope he has no access to his trust fund until he's 20.

I think you need to focus on his potential and the fact she isn't working. No doubt he will realise quickly when he's responsible for 100% bankrolling that she's not the one for him.

TBF I'd have laid down the law the day I got back from holiday. What do her parents think, why isn't she working, what will she be contributing, etc.

In the kindest way possible you do need to have an open discussion with your son about contraception and family planning.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 06/04/2022 23:20

My first thought is, might she be pregnant?
That'd be my concern, he's a hard working lad, and he sounds prepared to support her... a baby cements her meal ticket long term. He's bound to get tired of it soon enough

hippyfarmer · 06/04/2022 23:22

Agree, be there if/when things fall apart for your DS. Who knows, they may not. The only thing that I would hope you impress upon him is ensuring that no matter what she says, he also needs to use protection/condoms. That "doubling up" is the smart thing to do.

They will figure out their relationship. THEY.

This is hard. I know. Have a DC with a new partner. Not dissimilar to your situation. And all I have ever said, apart from trying to cater for their food requests, is make sure you are BOTH using protection.

No matter how you think this other person isn't suited to the family - that person may be suited to your DC. So respect that. Respect their feelings. Respect their relationship. And just listen and be there.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/04/2022 23:26

Your DS does not come across that well to be honest. Moving her in while you were away without asking you and after only 2 weeks. I assume she has not been contributing to bills.

That’s incredibly disrespectful. And that’s on him.

So please don’t demonise her and award him the sainthood. It feels like you are blaming her for the downturn in your relationship with DS whereas in my view it wasn’t that great to begin with if he was willing to move his girlfriend if 2 weeks in on the sly with no discussion.

All you can do is accept that they both have a lot to learn about healthy functional relationships and kill them with kindness while maintaining boundaries. And if your DS moves back home at any point I’d be making sone clear rules about overnight guests.

forinborin · 06/04/2022 23:31

@Girlmumdogmumboymum

My first thought is, might she be pregnant? That'd be my concern, he's a hard working lad, and he sounds prepared to support her... a baby cements her meal ticket long term. He's bound to get tired of it soon enough
How is it that she got a meal ticket for life?
Fraaahnces · 06/04/2022 23:34

Just make sure he knows that contraception isn’t going to be his job from now on and that you do not want to babysit.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/04/2022 23:43

She sounds proper grim
Sympathies OP

Electrox · 06/04/2022 23:49

Why does she stay in her room so much? Is she agoraphobic, depressed, very shy? It's pretty unusual for a 20 year old and would make me wonder about the reasons behind her behaviour.

Airfriedpotatowitch · 06/04/2022 23:53

Thing is she has said barely 2 words to you have u tried to make an effort with her? Maybe she is painfully shy socially awkward whatever you don't like her but u don't know her. Doesn't sound ideal obviously but have you asked yourself why your son hasn't told you he is moving out? Maybe there is a reason for that perhaps you should sit him or both of them down and actually have a conversation with them it doesn't sound like you have been exactly welcoming perhaps u gave off those vibes from the start and that's why it is how it is. Have you spoke to her about studying or getting a job or maybe she is depressed it doesn't sound like you have bothered to try and find out but nor should you have put up with her laying in bed all day. Hopeu work it out.

Clarinet1 · 06/04/2022 23:55

Like Pp, unless there is some kind of special needs or MH situation, the girlfriend is being very rude and discourteous but I also think you should have has words with your DS about the situation. I’m sure you didn’t bring him up to think it was OK to just move into someone else’s home without contributing and barely exchanging a word of recognition.

Skelligsfeathers · 06/04/2022 23:58

@Electrox

Why does she stay in her room so much? Is she agoraphobic, depressed, very shy? It's pretty unusual for a 20 year old and would make me wonder about the reasons behind her behaviour.
It's not her room!!!
oakleaffy · 06/04/2022 23:58

@HellToTheNope

Treat your son like everything is wonderful and hope to fuck he doesn't get this fannylodger loser pregnant.
THIS. She could well think ,that if she ''Accidentally -on purpose-'' gets pregnant that she will have even more of a hold on your son.

Fannylodging is exactly what she is doing.

Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 07/04/2022 00:36

I had strong words with him when I found out she was staying at my house after only being with DS for 2 weeks. I was actually in hospital with DD, who'd been bluelighted in, so was already under enormous stress. And I totally agree @Rainbowqueen, my DS did himself absolutely no favours by doing that. I realised that the issue I had at that stage was with him, not her. But since then, when she's stayed over, she has literally laid in his bed ALL day. He's left her here and gone to work. She doesn't come downstairs, go out....nothing. She's definitely not agoraphobic....she has no problems going out drinking. She claims PIP and UC and took great pleasure in telling me that at her latest PIP assessment, they'd decided she was unfit for work long-term.

I've honestly tried @Airfriedpotatowitch. I've invited her out for dinner, I've given her lifts to places, she spent all of Xmas with us....and she still barely makes conversation.

@RosesAndHellebores Parents are separated. Her mother (according to her) suffers with psychosis and is disabled. Apparently she's being trying to throw the gf out for months.

Pregnancy is also what I've been thinking. Meal ticket is another thought of mine. Fannylodger has just made me 😆 🤣

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 07/04/2022 00:42

@BradPittsLeftArmpit

Sorry *@LampLighter414*, should have said in my post. He's just turned 22, and shes 20
He's old enough to make his own decisions and mistakes then. Just be there if he needs support and continue to make some effort to keep in contact. Have them over for dinner or Sunday roast every couple weeks or something?
HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 00:45

I really, really don't understand why you didn't kick her out the minute you discovered your son had allowed her to move in.

Monty27 · 07/04/2022 01:05

I had something similar but not as extreme for 2 years. In between lockdowns having been out drinking all day while she was furloughed she'd turn up at silly o'clock. DS was struggling with his employment at the time so couldn't afford to go out.
He'd answer the door and they'd scuttle upstairs. I had a word with him about it so for a while she'd put her head in round the door to say hello. Just because she had to sort of thing.
I heard a bit of a furore one night and knocked on his bedroom door and went in. She was already naked (covered up) she'd spilled a drink (water) all over his bedroom floor and was laughing making no attempt to clear it up. DS was mortified.
I couldn't help myself but say to him "what's this a booty call"
She broke up with him shortly after knowing I wasn't having it.
It took DS a while to recover. He's been single since. About 6 months. Hopefully all the wiser for his experience.
She was 21 he was 24

Monty27 · 07/04/2022 01:07

I should add she'd only been in the house 3 minutes before that booty call