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Original poster

Sons girlfriend

130 replies

BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 22:01

First post, longtime lurker. My DS has been with his gf for 8 months. She pretty much stayed over on a regular basis at the beginning, so much so that she may as well have moved in. My DS never asked me, he just moved her in whilst I was away with DD. They'd been together 2 weeks. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. At no point in these 3 weeks did she make any effort to interact with me, no thank you for letting me stay etc...not even a hello/goodnight. Probably no more than 5 words in this 3 week period. Over the last 8 months, she has taken over my sons room with her stuff, hung her clothes in his wardrobe, packed them in the drawer under his bed, put her food in my fridge. Etc. You get the idea. All whilst barely talking to me.

She has "disappeared" on a night out, and said her drink was spiked, not contacting him until the next afternoon when he'd spent the previous night looking for her. I'll admit I don't like her and think he can do better. However I've never made this known directly to her. My main issue is that DS has a demanding job, sometimes working 12 hour days, for which he earns a good salary. He also has a trust fund. She doesn't work, never has done, and claims benefits.

Tomorrow he picks up the keys to their new flat. He hasn't said a word to me. I found out because the girlfriend ecstatically told my youngest DC, his sister, that her brother was moving out. I'm so upset that not only has my once close DS completely shut me out of this fairly big life decision, but that he's moving in with someone who can't contribute fairly to their joint life, but who also lies in bed 24/7 and doesn't clean or tidy his room. The room she stays in for days at a time, never leaving. Only to go to the toilet or bathroom. My friends, and his, have said they don't like her, and how he's changed. And not in a good way. He's not the person he used to be. I feel she can be quite controlling. I'm not sure why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do apart from be there when it all goes wrong. Any advice from anyone that's been through similar would be a help right now

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/04/2022 10:26

I read this and I am trying to imagine just what level of disrespect there would have to be for my sons to move someone into my home without asking?

This is a MN thing because I have met a parent who would accept it IRL, or had it happen to them.

You were away for 2 weeks in hospital with a very ill child and he did something so sneaky, dishonest and disrespectful.

She should have been gone the minute you returned.

Why wasn't she?

Fear is the only reason that I can think of that you would not have sorted this out months ago?

Are you afraid of him?

So

Because OP, you have created this situation by allowing your rude son to have SO little respect for you, and tolerating that rudeness.

You then have allowed this stranger to remain in your house, who was also treating you with huge disrespect, in YOUR home.

She no doubt will get pregnant and his life will be a right mess, but he clearly will have brought it on himself.

He never even told you he was moving out?

Be thankful he is moving out.

I don't believe for a second such total disrespect has come completely out of nowhere.

Let him go.
Don't be angry or upset.

Accept it.

Focus on why you have allowed this to happen in your home and for your daughter be witness to you being so disrespected.

As for his trust fund.
If he wants to blow it on her, let him.

Someone with so little respect for their mother, isn't going to listen to anything she says.

MrsWinters · 07/04/2022 10:27

She probably stays in his room because she doesn’t want to impose on the rest of the house as she knows she’s not welcome. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. she’ll know this, and know they she’s not welcome.
My guess is you have been trying to push her away (out), he has been pushing for her to stay and the upshot is they are now both leaving.
Quite frankly I think you are a bit late to “kill it with kindness” . I think you need to eat some humble pie, and sit down with them both and apologise, say you thought it was moving a bit fast in the beginning, but you now see that they are suited and making it work. EVEN if you don’t think that- if they do work out it’s the only way you will have a good relationship going forwards, and if they don’t it’s the only way your son will feel comfortable coming back to you without getting I told you so.

WhenDovesFly · 07/04/2022 10:28

Are they renting, or have they bought the flat OP?

Either way, it will probably be a bit of a wake up call for them. The price of bills at the moment, on top of rent/mortgage, food, fuel etc will come as a shock. That's without entertainment/clothes etc.

It will be interesting for you to see how they manage day-to-day life - whether the GF uses her time wisely to keep her home clean and tidy, or if she continues to lay in bed/on the sofa all day.

Be there to listen to your DS if he wants to talk about things, but don't fall into the trap of doing his washing, providing him with meals or lending money. They've decided to be independent, so let them get on with it, however hard that may seem. I hope they've thought of practical things like insurances.

What's the situation with his trust fund? Does he already have access to it?

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/04/2022 10:57

I heard a bit of a furore one night and knocked on his bedroom door and went in. She was already naked (covered up) she'd spilled a drink (water) all over his bedroom floor and was laughing making no attempt to clear it up. DS was mortified.
I couldn't help myself but say to him "what's this a booty call”

I can’t believe you did this. Of course your adult son was mortified by you bursting into his room & referring to his naked girlfriend a booty call. He’s probably scarred for life.

Brefugee · 07/04/2022 11:04

Well, ok, OP, your DS has decided to conceal things from you. All you can do now is hope you brought him up right.

I would make sure that he knows contraception is on him and he must be very sure about that, kind of as a last minute life-advice thing. And as soon as he's moved out? redecorate the room. And if there is a baby? well you can decide how to handle it, but since she apparently won't be working they won't need you for childcare so no need to offer it, etc.

I would have insisted, clearly and regularly that she was not allowed in your home when DS wasn't there though, right from the beginning. You missed a trick there but now you have to move on and live with the new situation.

Brefugee · 07/04/2022 11:04

I think you need to eat some humble pie, and sit down with them both and apologise, say you thought it was moving a bit fast in the beginning, but you now see that they are suited and making it work.

oh and HELL FUCK NO to this.

willithappen · 07/04/2022 11:06

Not to excuse anything else but is she a shy person?
I would call myself a shy kind of person around certain people. If I'm worried about how I may come across to someone I tend to bottle up and get quite shy. Can be the complete opposite with people I'm comfortable with or on nights out.

I have had times with past boyfriends where I have stayed at their house, been left there while they are out and stayed in the room the entire time. Too scared to go out and impose or shy to speak with them. I understand it may have looked like I was being rude now.

Indigoo03 · 07/04/2022 11:46

What line of work is your son in?

Mummapenguin20 · 07/04/2022 12:00

Hopfully this flats in just your sons name so when it goes wrong he hasnt lost everything so to speak

Bdhntbis · 07/04/2022 12:17

I’d follow the kill with kindness route; if they end up having children together you want to have a good relationship with her.

worriedatthistime · 07/04/2022 12:22

Just think currently it may be in a messy room but soon it may be a messy flat , do they currently cook for themselves or rely on you ?
Also will cost more money , he may resent that soon but at 20 she won't be allowed to claim benefits without having to work soon unless disability or will have sanctions etc

worriedatthistime · 07/04/2022 12:28

@MarshmallowSwede thats because for many of us we consider. It our childrens home too
I wouldn't allow one night stands but partners yes as its my kids home too , not just mine
I would also allow them to move in if helping to save for a property etc
I even had my sons friend move in for a couple of weeks as he had nowhere to go, just so he could sort things out , better than on the streets

ChairCareOh · 07/04/2022 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

KosherDill · 07/04/2022 12:40

I honestly can't imagine putting up with a rude, layabout stranger ignoring me in my own house for more than an hour or two. At most. Let alone weeks or months.

Why on earth didn't you just insist she leave from Day One?

She'll be pregnant soon, bet on it.

duchampsbride · 07/04/2022 12:41

It sounds as though she is quite unwell/disabled and definitely not lazy - getting PIP at all is extremely difficult. Also sounds as though she hasn't had the easiest life and has nowhere else to go. It's completely fair enough to want her out of your house and to be annoyed that DS moved her in without your knowledge but it doesn't sound as though she is lazy or deliberately being an imposition.

KosherDill · 07/04/2022 12:45

@SeasonFinale

If she has PIP because she is unfit to work then that will be why she isn't working.

Perhaps your DS loves her.

Perhaps you have actually made it very clear to them that she isn't welcome there.

Perhaps therefore because he loves her they have decided to move out.

Perhaps he knows you would have something to say about that so was leaving it to last minute to avoid a row.

Why should a rude, disrespectful moocher BE welcome there??
Ragwort · 07/04/2022 12:45

Agree with other posters, how on earth did your DS just move his GF into your home, I have a 20 year old DS and I just can't imagine this happening .. you must be incredibly soft/kind.

Alconleigh · 07/04/2022 12:51

Difficult. I'm guessing she's very pretty, and that's the draw for your son? As it certainly doesn't sound like she brings anything else to the table, and there must be plenty of engaging, outgoing, achieving young women with far more to offer who would be a better match for your son around. If it's that, well, tbh loads of us have the disastrous but hot girl/boyfriend early on. It'll pass. If in fact she's ordinary looking, it's more puzzling.

None of which was particularly helpful. I would hope for reality to hit once they have their own place. And pray for no pregnancy.

VanCleefArpels · 07/04/2022 12:56

She will have a shock when her UC is recalculated to take into account their JOINT income / assets (which may include the trust fund) when they move in together. This may be a wake up call to your son who will then be very much the breadwinner and liable for all the bills you have covered while he was at home. Maybe have this conversation about finances. But then I’d leave them to it and as you say be there as and when things go wrong

Hoplesscynic · 07/04/2022 13:03

She sounds a complete pain. Unfit for long term work at the age of 20 already, but out drinking all the time. Laying in bed all day doing nothing. What a delight.
Does your DS really want to support someone like this? What does he actually see in her?

Hoplesscynic · 07/04/2022 13:05

@VanCleefArpels

She will have a shock when her UC is recalculated to take into account their JOINT income / assets (which may include the trust fund) when they move in together. This may be a wake up call to your son who will then be very much the breadwinner and liable for all the bills you have covered while he was at home. Maybe have this conversation about finances. But then I’d leave them to it and as you say be there as and when things go wrong
Absolutely this!
MrsMoastyToasty · 07/04/2022 13:09

I think that you should ask for a contribution for household expenses from now until they move out due to the rising costs of running your home. If they haven't given you anything by this time next week I would show them the door.

Polyanthus2 · 07/04/2022 13:36

@VanCleefArpels

She will have a shock when her UC is recalculated to take into account their JOINT income / assets (which may include the trust fund) when they move in together. This may be a wake up call to your son who will then be very much the breadwinner and liable for all the bills you have covered while he was at home. Maybe have this conversation about finances. But then I’d leave them to it and as you say be there as and when things go wrong
This is interesting. I'd assumed someone's UC was theirs and not including partners income.
Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 07/04/2022 13:40

Thank you so much for all your replies, even the ones that stick in the throat Grin To the posters that asked why I didn't nip it in the bud at the beginning...I did. She moved back out, but over the last few months, she stays here maybe 3/4 nights a week, and this is when she lays in bed during the day whilst he's at work.

Your replies have really helped @Philisophigal
and @Kurtanforpm, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 07/04/2022 13:41

@VanCleefArpels That's helpful, thank you

OP posts:
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