Sons girlfriend

[BradPittsLeftArmpit]

First post, longtime lurker. My DS has been with his gf for 8 months. She pretty much stayed over on a regular basis at the beginning, so much so that she may as well have moved in. My DS never asked me, he just moved her in whilst I was away with DD. They'd been together 2 weeks. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. At no point in these 3 weeks did she make any effort to interact with me, no thank you for letting me stay etc...not even a hello/goodnight. Probably no more than 5 words in this 3 week period. Over the last 8 months, she has taken over my sons room with her stuff, hung her clothes in his wardrobe, packed them in the drawer under his bed, put her food in my fridge. Etc. You get the idea. All whilst barely talking to me.

She has "disappeared" on a night out, and said her drink was spiked, not contacting him until the next afternoon when he'd spent the previous night looking for her. I'll admit I don't like her and think he can do better. However I've never made this known directly to her. My main issue is that DS has a demanding job, sometimes working 12 hour days, for which he earns a good salary. He also has a trust fund. She doesn't work, never has done, and claims benefits.

Tomorrow he picks up the keys to their new flat. He hasn't said a word to me. I found out because the girlfriend ecstatically told my youngest DC, his sister, that her brother was moving out. I'm so upset that not only has my once close DS completely shut me out of this fairly big life decision, but that he's moving in with someone who can't contribute fairly to their joint life, but who also lies in bed 24/7 and doesn't clean or tidy his room. The room she stays in for days at a time, never leaving. Only to go to the toilet or bathroom. My friends, and his, have said they don't like her, and how he's changed. And not in a good way. He's not the person he used to be. I feel she can be quite controlling. I'm not sure why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do apart from be there when it all goes wrong. Any advice from anyone that's been through similar would be a help right now

[quote Kolani]@RosesAndHellebores The prevailing culture in the U.K is to be out of the house at 18 and if at all, only remain partially if not earning quite enough yet. Other cultures adult children still live at home after graduation but the relationship is different. They complete any professional qualifications they may need and save for the future whilst contributing to various duties at home and can be quite an asset in those few yrs leading up to them finally moving out.
I am from the latter culture so quite understand this set up although I believe this is not solely down to culture but quite the norm.They in turn make fewer mistakes than their counterparts who rushed out as soon as they got their first job at 18/21 and equally make excellent steady partners. Sometimes MN just can't see beyond what they are used to and will shriek in horror if you dare mention you have an adult dc living at home.[/quote]
I'd be interested to know if everyone works and if everyone contributes to running the household in your country.
My suspicion is that the mother/ wife skivvies for everyone and doesn't have a career. So I am biased against adult DCs at home.

They in turn make fewer mistakes than their counterparts who rushed out as soon as they got their first job at 18/21 and equally make excellent steady partners.

Nonsense. Plenty who leave home at 18 manage to become fully functional adults and be decent partners. You don’t need your mother to be cooking you dinner until you are 25.

@Kolani I was expected to be out at 18/post graduation. Our DC have been brought up with rather more care and rather more love. Many of their friends are doing similar and living at home whilst qualifying.

We are pretty British/European. DC and most of their friends have parents who highly valued their education and their independence. I think it's a huge compliment to parenting if DC want to stay at home.

@Polyanthus2 both DH and I have professional careers. I have never skivvied. I do tend to cook dinner most nights but all other chores are sub-contracted.

Lots going on here but to be clear about one thing. It's really difficult to claim PIP and it's only for long term disability and health conditions. Therefore if she has PIP she has a health condition. That probably explains why she is in bed alot.

That is a separate issue from whether this is the right relationship for both of them and what they're both getting out of it.

I would just continue to support him. The relationship will most likely fall apart. Your DS needs you to be there for him. Let him make his own mistakes.

@Polyanthus2

I'd be interested to know if everyone works and if everyone contributes to running the household in your country.
My suspicion is that the mother/ wife skivvies for everyone and doesn't have a career. So I am biased against adult DCs at home.

The man of the house does little housework granted BUT all adult children whether male or female are expected to contribute to household chores. Most women have careers or run their own small business some are stay-at-home mums similar to the UK. They are not expected to skivvy after adult children ever. Adult male child would be expected to run errands that involve driving about e.g picking younger siblings from school, driving mum to the market to buy groceries and expected to carry any heavy bags . All children wash their own clothes by age 12 and are able to prepare food for the whole family by 16yrs. Adult dc would be expected to do the ironing, washing up, sweeping or vacuuming, etc. Mum's role is to oversee everything and give her a satisfactory nod. I realise this is completely different to the average British person's idea of adult kids living at home, but in my community we have all raised our dc in the same way we were and so it might sound strange to say my adult dc lives at home but it's a very different dynamic. On the other hand, we don't charge adult dc for living at home regardless of wether they are working on not. It's just a different way of doing things, both have their pros and cons e.g British kids are more vulnerable when they move out because they move out at a much younger age. In my culture most move from about 25 yrs (extremely rare to move before 25) by which they are much more mature having been working and saving and also heavily involved in the domestic running of the home for some good years.

On the other hand, adult dc in my culture can be infantlised (i.e parents not allowing them to make decisions independently even though they are quite capable) parents can become to controlling and enjoy the free 'services' a bit too much.

I think it's unfair to blame the girlfriend for your DS not telling you that he was moving out

All the posters stating she is shy or has MH issues, she was forward enough to move into a strangers home. Stop making excuses for this arrogant woman.

Wow! Some very enlightening posts on here showing misconceptions towards a young person receiving a disability benefit. I think some people need to wind their necks in and educate themselves about a) what the PIP is and b) what it must be like as a 20 yo to be receiving it.

Remember being young & in love ?

They could marry at 18

Sadly you're right and you've just got to wait it out. I would say that you need to keep your relationship with your son going, invite them for meals, drop in on them etc. Be as nice as you can to the gf, she's obviously got problems. Maybe your son needs to be a saviour for her, he wants to look after someone. It will run its course as it sounds toxic, wait it out.

Thank you to all the helpful posters. They picked the keys up yesterday. I'm keeping quiet about how I really feel, but am engaging with DS about it all. Whereas the gf came home with him and went straight to his room.

The man of the house does little housework granted

@Kolani A man who does no housework, is not an “excellent steady partner”

@RosesAndHellebores The prevailing culture in the U.K is to be out of the house at 18 and if at all, only remain partially if not earning quite enough yet. Other cultures adult children still live at home after graduation but the relationship is different. They complete any professional qualifications they may need and save for the future whilst contributing to various duties at home and can be quite an asset in those few yrs leading up to them finally moving out.

I'm from a similar culture. You live with parents until you marry, or absolutely need to move to another city or country. It would be considered wasteful and pretty stupid to pay go pay rent to someone else when leaving an empty room at your parents'. Parents never charge rent, but adult children gradually take over the running of the household and parents can retire. On the downside parents can get pretty overbearing when you want to have a sex life.

I wonder if the difference is that we are in London. DS had a gap overseas, went to uni, came back for year and worked, went away to do an MPhil and still away completing his PhD. His gf went to uni, had a few years back home, lived in houseshares for a cpl of years. Has moved back with her parents until they get married at the end of summer.

DD had a gap year, went away to uni, presently at home in her first job. Her boyfriend went away to uni, went to uni in Europe for two years, came back to first job and Prof quals.

DH and I left home at 18 and would never return because neither of our homes were anywhere near London. I bought my first flat at 21.

Our family home will always be our children's home, whatever they do and there will always be a home here if they need it.

Most of their friends, British and international are doing the same.

@RosesAndHellebores - we are in central London and your summary doesn’t match DT’s and their friends. DT’s are 22. Both went to Uni away from home. DS did a Masters. Both are now working in professional jobs in Europe. DD for the EU and DS for an engineering company. Both are working full time and continuing with professional qualifications. This is similar to their friends who are working in London and other cities in the U.K. and overseas. None are still living with their parents. DT’s know that our home will always be their home if needed but as adults they will visit whenever they want to

It seems a very short period, has your DS struggled to form relationships and have girlfriends in the past?

Stop blaming the GF when the issue is YOUR son. HE is the one who shows no respect for you! He’s the one who brought her home without asking and caused stress while his own sister was blue lighted to hospital.

Whether the GF is disabled, shy, or any other issues is irrelevant, he should be attempting to smooth things between you. If she’s being rude, and has reasons for doing so he should explain why. Not just leave her to it. You shouldn’t be ‘guessing’, or ‘making allowances’ for some imagined issues that may or may not be real. Disability doesn’t prevent you from being an arsehole.

@balalake

It seems a very short period, has your DS struggled to form relationships and have girlfriends in the past?

Also this OP. Is he socially awkward?

It's a shame but at that age it's his mistake to make. There's nothing you can do other than maintain the best relationship you can with him (I doubt he's obvlious to how you feel about her).

PIP, is incredibly hard to get even for legitimate reasons, especially long term. So that speaks volumes. She is entitled to that money, and is unfit for work. It sounds as though you judge her heavily for claiming benefits and don't believe her circumstances.

Yes it's for the best that they move out, and they could have been a bit more polite, but they're still both so young and are working it all out. It sounds like she's been through a lot and in difficult circumstances.

Quite common in our dc's circle @parker123. Perhaps I wasn't clear that DC were away at uni; DS still is!

Time for a lodger OP, a nice one, who treats your home with respect, pays their rent , and more importantly blocks your ds from wandering back into your house when the shock of running his own household hits him.

That sounds like a good plan @viques

@balalake @LegMeChicken Yes, he can be. No problem forming relationships, but he does keep his circle small.