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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriend

130 replies

BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 22:01

First post, longtime lurker. My DS has been with his gf for 8 months. She pretty much stayed over on a regular basis at the beginning, so much so that she may as well have moved in. My DS never asked me, he just moved her in whilst I was away with DD. They'd been together 2 weeks. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. At no point in these 3 weeks did she make any effort to interact with me, no thank you for letting me stay etc...not even a hello/goodnight. Probably no more than 5 words in this 3 week period. Over the last 8 months, she has taken over my sons room with her stuff, hung her clothes in his wardrobe, packed them in the drawer under his bed, put her food in my fridge. Etc. You get the idea. All whilst barely talking to me.

She has "disappeared" on a night out, and said her drink was spiked, not contacting him until the next afternoon when he'd spent the previous night looking for her. I'll admit I don't like her and think he can do better. However I've never made this known directly to her. My main issue is that DS has a demanding job, sometimes working 12 hour days, for which he earns a good salary. He also has a trust fund. She doesn't work, never has done, and claims benefits.

Tomorrow he picks up the keys to their new flat. He hasn't said a word to me. I found out because the girlfriend ecstatically told my youngest DC, his sister, that her brother was moving out. I'm so upset that not only has my once close DS completely shut me out of this fairly big life decision, but that he's moving in with someone who can't contribute fairly to their joint life, but who also lies in bed 24/7 and doesn't clean or tidy his room. The room she stays in for days at a time, never leaving. Only to go to the toilet or bathroom. My friends, and his, have said they don't like her, and how he's changed. And not in a good way. He's not the person he used to be. I feel she can be quite controlling. I'm not sure why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do apart from be there when it all goes wrong. Any advice from anyone that's been through similar would be a help right now

OP posts:
Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 07/04/2022 01:07

I did @HellToTheNope, but had to do the softly softly approach, as if I'd have gone in all guns blazing, I would have pushed DS away as well. In hindsight it looks like I've managed to do that anyway 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
BradPittsLeftArmpit · 07/04/2022 01:12

@Monty27 It's an awful situation to be in. I'm glad all turned out ok for you and your DS

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 07/04/2022 01:16

A friend of mine was in a relationship in her 20s where she spent a lot of time in her boyfriends room while he was at work as she was doing college work there while he was gone. She was terribly shy and didn't want to get under his parents toes so she said she tried to be invisible in the house. She told me she nearly broke her bladder trying not to even use the loo XD

froufroufrou · 07/04/2022 03:56

You have to really hope she doesn’t get pregnant. That would be a disaster for your family. She sounds utterly vile.

overnightangel · 07/04/2022 04:40

@HellToTheNope

I really, really don't understand why you didn't kick her out the minute you discovered your son had allowed her to move in.
Yeah same. Absolutely unbelievably bizarre to let her stay
Polyanthus2 · 07/04/2022 05:08

I would tread carefully - the fact he has gone behind your back to get a flat secretly is strange - sounds like he doesn't feel he has a good relationship with you.
They might split but my DB chose a dreadful wife (likeable but utterly self obsessed) that we tiptoed round thereafter.

MarshmallowSwede · 07/04/2022 07:37

It amazes me the anoint of people on MN who thinks it’s ok for their adult children to not only have overnight guests (at that point it’s time to move out), but allow them to move partners in.

Once you’re wanting having overnight guests, then it’s time to get your own place. I wouldn’t even allow my child’s partner to sleep over. No.. this isn’t a hotel. And if you want to sleep over go use your money and pay for a hotel for the night, but under no circumstances would I allow a teen or adult to have overnights.

Adults need their own space, especially once you think you want your partner to sleep over or move in.

It’s disrespectful and adding another adult to the household changes the home dynamic.

I see so many on here talking about oh.. their Gf or BF sleeps over several times a week. I think this is amazingly disrespectful and h that person needs their own space if they want overnights.

slashlover · 07/04/2022 07:39

She claims PIP and UC and took great pleasure in telling me that at her latest PIP assessment, they'd decided she was unfit for work long-term.

I thought she never talked to you?

You sound like you don't believe her, they don't give out PIP for no reason.

SeasonFinale · 07/04/2022 07:50

If she has PIP because she is unfit to work then that will be why she isn't working.

Perhaps your DS loves her.

Perhaps you have actually made it very clear to them that she isn't welcome there.

Perhaps therefore because he loves her they have decided to move out.

Perhaps he knows you would have something to say about that so was leaving it to last minute to avoid a row.

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 07:54

So you can’t stand her, but he’s the gutless and rude one who moved her in without a word to you, and has arranged a flat, again without a word to you. Like calls to like?

Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 07:55

My sister was ecstatic about her long term PIP approval. Not because she’s a benefit cheat, or happy to be disabled. But because she was happy she no longer had to live in fear of losing it, or jumping through so many hoops.

DFOD · 07/04/2022 08:13

Is the PIP and UC paying the rent on the flat?

Does she have MH and/or physical health issues that prevents her from working? Could you talk to him about what other non financial support she is getting to make her life better?

She seems to have had a very difficult and emotionally deficient background that has left her with a lot of issues. This doesn’t mean she is a bad, lazy gold digger but that she needs professional emotional support, maybe encourage them to seek that.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 07/04/2022 08:27

This post should have been made 6+ months ago

The girl has been in your house for over seven months and now DS and her are leaving. You should have said it wasn't an acceptable setup in the first few weeks

As they're now leaving you'll just have to let the relationship run. The girl doesn't sound like somebody I would want my DS shacking up with but they're both adults, nothing you can do once they're out of your house

CatsArePeople · 07/04/2022 08:44

your DS sounds a bit of a knob to be fair

Mindymomo · 07/04/2022 08:45

They are both going to get a wake up call when they move in. Maybe that’s what your son needs to see for himself. I doubt he’s going to want to be cooking and cleaning after a 12 hour work day. All you can you is be there for him. My DS used to tell me everything, that changed when he got his first gf, who was the opposite to your son’s gf, we loved her and did everything we could for her. They split up after 3 years and we haven’t got the relationship we had before, but if I ask my son things, he does tell me, but he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

DaisyStPatience · 07/04/2022 08:53

I feel sorry for her. She's little more than a child, clearly has some kind of issue if she's been declared unfit for work and sounds as though she's come from a difficult background. You clearly can't stand her and I'm sure she's got the message loud and clear. No wonder she doesn't feel comfortable around you. Hopefully she blossoms when they move out and she's got her own space.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 09:25

@MarshmallowSwede

It amazes me the anoint of people on MN who thinks it’s ok for their adult children to not only have overnight guests (at that point it’s time to move out), but allow them to move partners in.

Once you’re wanting having overnight guests, then it’s time to get your own place. I wouldn’t even allow my child’s partner to sleep over. No.. this isn’t a hotel. And if you want to sleep over go use your money and pay for a hotel for the night, but under no circumstances would I allow a teen or adult to have overnights.

Adults need their own space, especially once you think you want your partner to sleep over or move in.

It’s disrespectful and adding another adult to the household changes the home dynamic.

I see so many on here talking about oh.. their Gf or BF sleeps over several times a week. I think this is amazingly disrespectful and h that person needs their own space if they want overnights.

Nonsense. You sound like a nightmare. I'd never treat my child like that. If everyone is polite and respectful I'd have no issue with DC having partners over.
WabbitsAndWeasels · 07/04/2022 09:29

So she's not actually unemployed but unfit for work and therefore entitled to certain benefits and payments. As PP have said, being granted long term PIP is a feat in itself, she's not just lazy but disabled or ill and can't work. You don't seem to know enough about her to judge how much she can actually do in terms of housework and cleaning or work.

You obviously should have sorted this 7 months ago but now they've taken matters into their own hands. If her family situation really is difficult then I can see why she might want to move in with her boyfriend who more settled and stable home life. I'm not saying it's ok that your DS moved GF in so soon but try and look at it from her perspective.

Write them a nice 'new house' card telling them you'll be there if you need help and a nice bouquet of flowers and use it as a new start for both of them. Invite them over for Easter and start trying to mend both relationships. It might not work with her but it shows willing to your son.

Bluebluemoon · 07/04/2022 09:36

Yes she sounds like a lazy cow but your ds doesn't come off much better. How entitled and rude to not only move her in without asking your first but now he's planning on moving out without so much as a by your leave to you? sounds like he thinks this will be some kind of "gotcha" revenge on you for not making poor diddums girlfwend welcome. Your "she's not good enough for him" comment feeds into this bratty mentality he seems to have - has he been brought up thinking the sun shines out of his arse?

Hopefully the relationship won't last long but I'd be having a frank discussion with him about just how bloody rude and nasty it is of him to have treated you so disrespectfully. I would try to avoid saying anything too bad about the gf though - that could be your future DIL.

Hiddenvoice · 07/04/2022 09:52

She just sounds very young and perhaps very shy. I know with my first boyfriend I didn’t feel confident enough to just go sit in his living room with the family, no matter how many times I met them. It is probably your ds who is putting food in the kitchen/ fridge for her.
It sounds like she hasn’t had the best of lives and he’s shown some kindness and she’s gone with it.
I agree she needs to do something with her life instead of lying in bed all day.
They will both get a shock when they have bills to pay and housework to do!
Your ds didn’t tell you because he knew how you would react. He’s happy about his decision and wants to keep it quiet so it doesn’t cause upset and tension. He’s not going about things the right way but he’s young.
Id tell them you know about the flat, pretend to be happy about it and kill them with kindness. That way you can still keep a relationship going with your son.
It probably won’t last between them and hopefully he’ll realise soon that it’s not healthy for him to be working so hard for her to do nothing.

DFOD · 07/04/2022 09:54

These are the issues PIP supports - the assessment is rigorous so she’s not lazy.

Daily living part
You might get the daily living part of PIP if you need help with:

eating, drinking or preparing food
washing, bathing and using the toilet
dressing and undressing
reading and communicating
managing your medicines or treatments
making decisions about money
socialising and being around other people
Mobility part
You might get the mobility part of PIP if you need help with:

working out a route and following it
physically moving around
leaving your home
You do not have to have a physical disability to get the mobility part. You might also be eligible if you have difficulty getting around because of a cognitive or mental health condition, like anxiety.

Philisophigal · 07/04/2022 10:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Sillyotter · 07/04/2022 10:13

Let them crack on. Hopefully he comes to his senses sooner rather than later

Walkingalot · 07/04/2022 10:22

You really should have put your foot down when it all started. Your house, your rules. She is effectively a stranger to you but she's under your roof! What happened to old fashioned respect. Introducing new people properly, inviting them round for dinner and then a few months in, asking if they can stay the night (just one!)
If I were you, I'd be popping round his new flat weekly with a box of groceries or whatever, being as pleasant and positive as can be. Maybe then he'll feel able to open up to you if anything is going wrong.

Kurtanforpm · 07/04/2022 10:25

Ah, shit OP. This is something I worry about with my son.

He is almost 20 but has a really good job with good pay.

He was with a girl recently, a year older than him, had never worked and used to joke about it. Ds used to stay at hers but she never stayed here as she did drugs and he didn’t want her around his much younger siblings (he’s sensible in that sense so why was he with her if he didn’t want her around his little sisters?)

After a couple of months, he started to lose interest in her. I asked why and he said she was pressuring him to move out and rent a place for them, and to make his bank account a joint one HmmShock

He said no as he didn’t want to be in a position where he was paying for everything, he said he would only do it if rent and bills were 50/50. And he was horrified about the bank account suggestion. Thank fuck.

I do worry that the next time, it will be someone he likes more, or someone more persuasive and he will do something stupid.

We have drummed into him though, that until marriage/children come into things that he needs to make sure if he lives with someone everything is strictly 50/50.

In your situation though, I wouldn’t argue as it will just give her more ammunition to exclude you and push him further away.