Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons girlfriend

130 replies

BradPittsLeftArmpit · 06/04/2022 22:01

First post, longtime lurker. My DS has been with his gf for 8 months. She pretty much stayed over on a regular basis at the beginning, so much so that she may as well have moved in. My DS never asked me, he just moved her in whilst I was away with DD. They'd been together 2 weeks. I put my foot down after about 3 weeks and told him she had to go back to hers. At no point in these 3 weeks did she make any effort to interact with me, no thank you for letting me stay etc...not even a hello/goodnight. Probably no more than 5 words in this 3 week period. Over the last 8 months, she has taken over my sons room with her stuff, hung her clothes in his wardrobe, packed them in the drawer under his bed, put her food in my fridge. Etc. You get the idea. All whilst barely talking to me.

She has "disappeared" on a night out, and said her drink was spiked, not contacting him until the next afternoon when he'd spent the previous night looking for her. I'll admit I don't like her and think he can do better. However I've never made this known directly to her. My main issue is that DS has a demanding job, sometimes working 12 hour days, for which he earns a good salary. He also has a trust fund. She doesn't work, never has done, and claims benefits.

Tomorrow he picks up the keys to their new flat. He hasn't said a word to me. I found out because the girlfriend ecstatically told my youngest DC, his sister, that her brother was moving out. I'm so upset that not only has my once close DS completely shut me out of this fairly big life decision, but that he's moving in with someone who can't contribute fairly to their joint life, but who also lies in bed 24/7 and doesn't clean or tidy his room. The room she stays in for days at a time, never leaving. Only to go to the toilet or bathroom. My friends, and his, have said they don't like her, and how he's changed. And not in a good way. He's not the person he used to be. I feel she can be quite controlling. I'm not sure why I'm posting. There's nothing I can do apart from be there when it all goes wrong. Any advice from anyone that's been through similar would be a help right now

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 07/04/2022 14:07

@Polyanthus2 no - people living together as a couple are assessed on total household income/assets for benefits purposes

AskingforaBaskin · 07/04/2022 14:34

I would make a rule that she can not be in your home unless he is there.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/04/2022 14:38

It's better that they both move out.
I think she'll be pregnant soon enough.

You'll have to leave them to it, I'm afraid.

hungrymutha · 07/04/2022 14:57

You are right to be wary

Keep your enemies close! Befriend her, keep
Close to them both

Jedsnewstar · 07/04/2022 15:17

There are two sides to every story and I wonder what the right one truly is here. She may well be the lazy benefits cheat who has got her claws into your son as a meal ticket.
Or she is genuinely unfit to work and her ‘ignoring you’ is simply reacting to your hostility or shyness. People rarely know how intimidating they are. Or it’s somewhere in the middle of those situations.
His friends don’t like her…could you have been discussing you not liking her and they agreed or you think that they agreed?
Either way you need to tread carefully. He is barely out of his teens and still thinking with his ‘other brain’. He may also love her very much. You are at risk of losing them or gritting your teeth through the future wedding etc, then being THAT mil.
Have you asked your ds what he likes about her? )Not in a she is awful what an earth do you see in her way) but in a way that says DS you like her so I am making an effort to know her and like her too.

You cannot control his life, but you can remind him you are there and his own responsibility to birth control.

KosherDill · 07/04/2022 15:27

@Jedsnewstar

There are two sides to every story and I wonder what the right one truly is here. She may well be the lazy benefits cheat who has got her claws into your son as a meal ticket. Or she is genuinely unfit to work and her ‘ignoring you’ is simply reacting to your hostility or shyness. People rarely know how intimidating they are. Or it’s somewhere in the middle of those situations. His friends don’t like her…could you have been discussing you not liking her and they agreed or you think that they agreed? Either way you need to tread carefully. He is barely out of his teens and still thinking with his ‘other brain’. He may also love her very much. You are at risk of losing them or gritting your teeth through the future wedding etc, then being THAT mil. Have you asked your ds what he likes about her? )Not in a she is awful what an earth do you see in her way) but in a way that says DS you like her so I am making an effort to know her and like her too.

You cannot control his life, but you can remind him you are there and his own responsibility to birth control.

Shy or not, decent people don't move into a stranger's house uninvited.
BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 15:36

If he has a decent salary, and a trust fund, why is he still living at home at 22? Doesn’t sound like much of a catch. Why wouldn’t you have told him he can’t just move his girlfriend in?

Kolani · 07/04/2022 15:43

@Brefugee

I think you need to eat some humble pie, and sit down with them both and apologise, say you thought it was moving a bit fast in the beginning, but you now see that they are suited and making it work.

oh and HELL FUCK NO to this.

Re: I think you need to eat humble pie!

Some of the advice on this thread and on MN in general is quite hilarious I do wonder whether they are serious or just posted it for a giggle.

DFOD · 07/04/2022 15:51

Has she moved into the OPs house though? Think she said that she was staying over 3-4 nights a week?

RosesAndHellebores · 07/04/2022 15:54

@BoredZelda my dd 23 and her bf 25 both have decent incomes and trust funds and each have a property as part of those funds. They both still live at home. He is taking professional qualifications and she starts sponsored teacher training in September. Each of them is more likely to qualify well and with ease in their respective family homes.

I'd say both of them are quite a catch.

2bazookas · 07/04/2022 16:12

Life with lazy feckless GF is going to be a nasty cold shock. Either she will get her act together or they'll fall out.

Just step back and let him learn. Even if it's the hard way.

Mumofboys109 · 07/04/2022 16:28

@Monty27
She spilt water on his floor and that’s enough for you to split them up and now he’s alone and you are happy. Wow

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 17:03

PIP Assessments do not assess capability for work! PIP is an independence payment which is paid to disabled people regardless of whether you work or not! So she's lying about that!

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 17:11

[quote Mumofboys109]@Monty27
She spilt water on his floor and that’s enough for you to split them up and now he’s alone and you are happy. Wow[/quote]
This! Hmm Poor lad

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 17:39

I'd say both of them are quite a catch.

25 and choosing to live with parents despite having enough money not to? Wouldn’t be a catch in my eyes.

RosesAndHellebores · 07/04/2022 17:45

So you wouldn't go for a steady type focusing on getting professional qualifications then? Happy to be at home because it's good and functional and spacious and when you are doing demanding quals it's pretty good to have your dinner cooked and laundry done? All the while racking up more money and starting post covid to have nice holidays again.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 18:06

@RosesAndHellebores

So you wouldn't go for a steady type focusing on getting professional qualifications then? Happy to be at home because it's good and functional and spacious and when you are doing demanding quals it's pretty good to have your dinner cooked and laundry done? All the while racking up more money and starting post covid to have nice holidays again.
I'd be embarrassed to be having my dinner cooked and laundry done for me in my 20s! They sound mollycoddled.
Kolani · 07/04/2022 18:07

@RosesAndHellebores The prevailing culture in the U.K is to be out of the house at 18 and if at all, only remain partially if not earning quite enough yet. Other cultures adult children still live at home after graduation but the relationship is different. They complete any professional qualifications they may need and save for the future whilst contributing to various duties at home and can be quite an asset in those few yrs leading up to them finally moving out.
I am from the latter culture so quite understand this set up although I believe this is not solely down to culture but quite the norm.They in turn make fewer mistakes than their counterparts who rushed out as soon as they got their first job at 18/21 and equally make excellent steady partners. Sometimes MN just can't see beyond what they are used to and will shriek in horror if you dare mention you have an adult dc living at home.

Monty27 · 07/04/2022 18:37

@Mumofboys109
Where did I say i was happy about DS being dumped?
Understand thoroughly before posting please.
I was actually really upset for him and supported him through it.
She was using him as a booty call and was rumbled. He saw through it too when she text him and dumped him. He was mortified. She told him she loved him and kissed him when getting out of his bed and sent him the text an hour later.
I don't particularly care for your post.
Just saying you're not actually in a position to comment.
OP our hope your DS is ok. If it works for them great but let DS know you'll always be there for him.

In fa

MiddleParking · 07/04/2022 18:39

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@BoredZelda my dd 23 and her bf 25 both have decent incomes and trust funds and each have a property as part of those funds. They both still live at home. He is taking professional qualifications and she starts sponsored teacher training in September. Each of them is more likely to qualify well and with ease in their respective family homes.

I'd say both of them are quite a catch.[/quote]
I wouldn’t necessarily exclude a man from catchdom just because he lived at home at 25 (although it’s a bit alien to me because I had my own house/child/professional job at that age) if the circumstances justified it as you describe, but I definitely would if said living was with a mother who referred to me as a ‘booty call’. That sort of language really kills the my-son-has-a-trust-fund vibe.

thenewduchessoflapland · 07/04/2022 18:45

She gets PIP;that changes things;it was decided she was unfit for work.PIP is awarded to those with a long term illness or disability.

You sound abit judgemental tbh;you've acted as judge,jury and executioner without getting to know her properly.

You'll only drive your DS away.

Hoplesscynic · 07/04/2022 18:48

@BoredZelda

I'd say both of them are quite a catch.

25 and choosing to live with parents despite having enough money not to? Wouldn’t be a catch in my eyes.

Wouldn't be for me either. Probably too content with free laundry, cooked meals and the like. Not wanting to grow up or start paying their own bills.
dumdumduuuummmmm · 07/04/2022 18:49

@Cocomarine

So you can’t stand her, but he’s the gutless and rude one who moved her in without a word to you, and has arranged a flat, again without a word to you. Like calls to like?
Well to be fair, moving her in without asking WAS rude
Ricksteinsfishwife · 07/04/2022 18:50

The thing is op. He moved her in without discussing it with uou and is moving out pronto without telling you. So as much as you think he doesn’t know you don’t like her and she doesn’t know and you think you were close, clearly your son has a major problem with you and as such it’s highly unlikely he will want your support when in your words “ it all goes wrong”.

If I was you I’d focus on your relationship with him becayse it’s broken and it’s broken hard.

BoredZelda · 07/04/2022 19:07

So you wouldn't go for a steady type focusing on getting professional qualifications then? Happy to be at home because it's good and functional and spacious and when you are doing demanding quals it's pretty good to have your dinner cooked and laundry done? All the while racking up more money and starting post covid to have nice holidays again.

No, at 25 I was quite able to live by myself and do demanding professional qualifications, managed not to starve or live in dirty clothes. It really isn’t attractive to still be mollycoddled by your mother at 25.