Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The amount DH drinks….

133 replies

PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 10:02

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/04/2022 10:30

It's far too much and he's getting worse. However, there is nothing you can do about it. Your DH has an alcohol dependency and he is the only one who can decide to deal with that. One thing I will say is that this is going to get worse before it gets better - and that is if it gets better at all. So you need to think about what you want your life to be in the future. Do you work, are there children involved, could you cope if he stopped functioning, lost his job, became seriously ill and needed you to be his carer? (These are all fuly realistic scenarios).

As a first step I would seek support for yourself. Living with someone who is alcohol dependent is incredibly lonely, but you aren't alone - there are many of us.

this list might give you a starting point to get some help for yourself.

As someone who has been there and done that and is now out the other side (my husband died), I wish you all the very best.

Whyaskwhenyoudontwanttheanswer · 06/04/2022 10:34

Your DH is an alcoholic. Hiding drinks, irritability, unable to abstain, excess units…

I have a few in my family. All held down jobs perfectly fine but the health affects caught up with most of them eventually.
Pancreatic cancer
Dementia
Depression & suicide attempts
Inability to care for themselves
Breakdown of relationships

It’s an awful thing to watch someone you love and care for end up so low through alcohol abuse. You can’t make someone give up alcohol, they have to want to give up, and many alcoholics like alcohol too much to even think about giving up.

AA offer support for concerned loved ones of alcohol abusers. Sorry op Flowers
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 11:34

Thanks for replying

Yes i do work. Both of us full time. We have three kids school age. I think i could cope without him. Ive been thinking about this a lot especially past couple of years. I would just about be ok financially. We are married and been together 12 years. I do the majority anyway. He is usually drinking at home so i just do it rather than ask. Otherwise he becomes impatient, snappy and angry until i step in and take over so he can go back to watching tv series and drinking. Its rather boring life in that sense. We dont do anything together anymore. Sorry to hear about your exDH @pointythings Sad

I try to talk to him about his drinking but he gets really angry and does not agree with anything i say. Its so difficult.

In the mornings, like today, i mentioned how horrible he was and he says sorry and is a nice person again.. i just dont want to live like this

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/04/2022 11:41

PostItNoteScribbles it is really important to consider the impact his drinking and associated behaviour will have on your children. Mine are still dealing with the damage their father did 4 years on. Children of alcoholics are at greater risk of becoming alcoholics themselves - and that is in addition to what your kids are seeing in terms of how a relationship should work: mum and dad working but mum carrying all the housework while dad sits on his arse, watches tv and drinks. That isn't what you want for their lives.

It's great that you will be able to cope alone. No fault divorce comes in today - now is your chance. No need to take rash decisions; get support from people who have been there because it will help you deal with the inevitable feelings of guilt, but thouse thoughts you are having about ending the marriage are healthy and sensible.

Redland12 · 06/04/2022 11:42

I lived with it for 30 odd years. Such a waste of my life. Separated now. We are amicable and he still drinks. He put it before me and our children. Think about you and your children. I’ve never been happier now with my new life. I shudder when I think back. @pointythings is so right, it’s a very lonely life. Good luck.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 06/04/2022 11:50

He is an alcoholic. Living with an alcoholic means your children are much more like to become alcoholics. Al-anon can offer you support.

Xpologog · 06/04/2022 11:54

It might help to clarify what you think by looking at this www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/self-assessment

He has signs of being an alcoholic—- the amount he drinks, hiding drink, getting angry when you tackle him about it. Living with an alcoholic isn’t easy ( actually it was hell) and goes through different stages.

Start with the questionnaire in the link, give him the info and his reaction will tell you a lot. You can contact Al Anon for support even if he won’t get help.Be prepared for him lying, the stuff my alcoholic ex used to come out with beggared belief.
Wishing you the best. Stay strong.

incognitoforthisone · 06/04/2022 12:09

It's not even really the amount that he's drinking that suggests to me that he's an alcoholic - some people can drink an awful lot without being dependent on it, and some people can drink a lot less, but be totally dependent on it. What suggests that he's an alcoholic is his general behaviour around alcohol. He is hiding drinks. He is getting drunk, being nasty and then acting like nothing happened once he's sober again. He gets angry when you mention his drinking and won't talk about it.

Basically he's a functioning alcoholic; he's holding down his job and maybe has a booze-free day here and there so he'll deny that his drinking is a problem. But he is an alcoholic nonetheless and his behaviour is affecting you and your children. I think you may need to tell him that this could end your marriage, and if that's not a wake-up call for him - then end it.

TwoBlondes · 06/04/2022 12:15

Come on over to the Alcohol Support boards.

It took me 25 years to leave, it's really blighted the life of my now adult DDs. He spent years gaslighting me, apparently I had a problem because I didn't drink enough. Numerous family events ruined because he was too pissed to get involved or even passed out. We're now watching him drink himself to death and it's heartbreaking.

It only took one session with AlAnon for me to realise there was nothing more I could do.

Best of luck

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 12:19

@pointythings but thouse thoughts you are having about ending the marriage are healthy and sensible.
Thank you, thats what i wanted to hear. When i try to talk to him about how im feeling he puts it all on me, that im making the decision to split up the family etc.

@Redland12 i think my DH will continue to drink and have a pitty party for poor him, why have i done this to him etc without seeing himself why. Complete denial

@Duracellbunnywannabe i dont want this for my children Sad

@Xpologog hes a high risk drinker predicably according to that tool. It would be pointless me sending that to him. Even when ive tried to say about the units hes drank in the past he looks at me like im a nutter. Watching his every move etc. why am i adding them up?? Whats wrong with me? Everyone drinks. Its what adults do… makes me feel like im over reacting Hmm

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 06/04/2022 12:20

I'd really recommend going to Al Anon. It will open your eyes to not being the one to "fix" or "cure" him. You can't, you won't and it's a waste of mental and physical effort to even try. This is an addiction that only he can deal with.

We've had several alcoholics in the family. The only actions you can take are to preserve yourself and your DC from the impact of his actions.

pointythings · 06/04/2022 12:45

PP have nailed it - it's the denial about his drinking being problematic and his angry reaction to any mention of it that make him an alcoholic.

And I cannot emphasise enough how much better life without an alcoholic is. No more anxiety as you watch the levels in the bottles drop. No more walking on eggshells when he has been drinking because you know he will be snappy and irritable. No more having to worry about how unavailable he is to you and the DC. The relif is truly astonishing. I still feel that way almost 4 years after he left the family home. I'm sad that he ended up dying alone in a crappy flat, but there was nothing anyone could have done to save him.

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 12:59

@incognitoforthisone i do think hes a functioning alcoholic. Stupidly ive given ultimatums in the past but not gone through with them..

@TwoBlondes this is it, he says because i dont drink im boring, its what adults do apparently? I used to drink but stopped when i had kids. I dont really take him with me to parties as hes too embarrassing. Id go alone with the kids and make some excuse for why hes not there!

@BoodleBug51 thank you i will look into that

@pointythings im looking forward to a life without all the anxiety. Its like having a sulky useless grown child in the house

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 06/04/2022 13:30

Yabu to even ask if it is too much. 14 units a WEEK is suggested, So 80 is way too much.

Yanbu to want him to do something, but if it won’t, then leave him.

How much does this cost you??!!

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 14:11

@NameGoesHere i think because 14 units is a teeny amount compared to what he puts away (some saturdays he puts away over 20 units), he doesnt take it seriously. Sadly. I honestly dont think ill ever get through to him Sad

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 07/04/2022 06:00

That doesn’t make sense.

He’s in denial. You need to decide if you want to live with it … I couldn’t. His health is at risk, irs costing a fortune. I assume he isn’t driving at all as he will be permanently over the limit.

BritInAus · 07/04/2022 06:17

Hi, I really feel for you. I was with my alcoholic ex partner for over ten years. Finally left her and it was the biggest weight off my back... I cannot describe it. She then died only a few months later of alcoholic liver disease... she was so good at hiding the problem that even her parents and a handful of friends are still in denial/refuse to see the truth.

I will say that I went through the hardest year or two of my life, but would do it all again ten times over to get to where I am now. Life without someone with a drinking problem is just so wonderful. Please be brave and make the break. xxxx

Teeturtle · 07/04/2022 07:58

[quote PostItNoteScribbles]@NameGoesHere i think because 14 units is a teeny amount compared to what he puts away (some saturdays he puts away over 20 units), he doesnt take it seriously. Sadly. I honestly dont think ill ever get through to him Sad[/quote]
I am an alcoholic, in recovery meaning I don’t drink now. And no, I don’t think you ever will get through to him, this is a realisation he will only come to by himself, or not, as the case may be.

Because of who and what I am, I am more open minded to the possibility of recovery than some posters are, but I still think there is nothing you can do, other than take care of yourself.

Don’t take comfort in him working full time now, I always did … until I didn’t. I don’t know where his recovery is going to come from, for as long as I can remember, I was always aware that I had a problem, I struggled to get on top of it, but I did know it was there. It doesn’t sound like he is anywhere but in complete denial, from that position, I can’t see the end to this.

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 07/04/2022 13:01

Thanks for your responses. Got in last night to see another bag of alcohol on the kitchen table. Another 12.4 units drank Sad

Hes in complete denial. I know it will all be turned around to me being the bad person tho. I just wanted to make sure im doing the right thing as there are children involved and splitting up is so messy

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 07/04/2022 14:09

TBH if he doesn't get help I would leave.

Lastqueenofscotland · 07/04/2022 14:15

Honestly it’s not something you want to normalise for your children.
Either the quantity of alcohol (and my MN standards I’m a big drinker!) or that if he’s not pissed and watching tv he snaps at you and to appease him you do everything.

Your children will notice and it will impact them.

Lastqueenofscotland · 07/04/2022 14:16

I’d be setting him an ultimatum that he gets help or you leave and set a date in the reasonably close future to have seen progress or you’ll be starting proceedings

TomatoCultivator · 07/04/2022 14:19

As pp have suggested, do go to Al Anon. You will find help and support there.

pointythings · 07/04/2022 14:24

TeeTurtle big kudos to you! I also believe in recovery because I've seen my sister's DP achieve it - he's 10 years+ sober now. I think hearing from you will be incredibly helpful. All my best advice when my husband was going through it came from support group facilitators who were recovering addicts themselves.

Chely · 07/04/2022 14:49

Sounds like he has a problem.

Does he drive the day after drinking like that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread