The amount DH drinks….

[PostItNoteScribbles]

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

Yes he absolutely has a drink problem. Too much, secretive, affecting his mood, defensive.

I'm in my 50s and know a few friends who's drinking caught up with them in their 40s. They were able to sort themselves out. Mostly because they hit rock bottom because their partners wouldn't stand for it and left or they got help.

The few I know who are 50 plus are in a pretty poor way. Like they can manage to function and just be 'heavy drinkers' until they turn 50 then they just go downhill. They are the ones whose partners have enabled them and continue to do so- for whatever reason. Its really sad. Drink is their everything
I think you need to put you and the kids first. Drinkers make terrible partners and parents.

Yes he drinks like that @DebtheSander its rather embarrassing! I just want a normal relationship where the focus isnt alcohol! Just having him take the kids to the park for a kick around would be great vs watching sports! We do live very separate lives as it is. Hes almost like a lodger. I did arrange to do separate things last year and took the kids for days out and a short holiday on my own! I do try to shield them from him drinking.

@PostItNoteScribbles

Hi OP,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My dad is an alcoholic. It’s become unbearable for my mum. They’re both in their 70s. If I were you I’d leave while you’re young enough x

@searchingforsomethiing this is what worrys me for my future

@PostItNoteScribbles

My dad is a lovely man and functioning I suppose. He’s not mean nasty or violent - just a drunk. My mum doesn’t drink other than a couple at a wedding or party etc and she can’t be bothered with it. The drinking only really ramped up in the past couple of years and I know for a fact she’d have left him if they’d been younger.

Only you can know what is right for you but you do deserve a life free of the worry that comes with being tied to an alcoholic.

Don't ever let him drive kids OP. He could easily kill someone with high levels of alcohol and behind a wheel. He is c LL early alcohol dependent and puts alcohol above and before you and kids. Go to support group for families of alcoholics. It will make you realize anything you do is futile because he is an addict. Best you can do is focus on yourself and kids and hope he comes to his senses.

You might well break his heart, but that's exactly what it sounds like he has done to yours by putting drink first.

Please please get your children away from thinking this is normal life, it isn't, you deserve so much more than living like this, and report his driving to the police.

Thanks for your replies.
@Outnumbered99 yes why is it ok for me to feel its ok for him to break my heart and let me down yet i feel uncomfortable with the fall out of whats to come? Crazy isnt it.

For what its worth, he drank 74 units last week had one day off

@PostItNoteScribbles

Thanks for your replies. *@Outnumbered99* yes why is it ok for me to feel its ok for him to break my heart and let me down yet i feel uncomfortable with the fall out of whats to come? Crazy isnt it.

For what its worth, he drank 74 units last week had one day off

So about 12 units per day. Every day apart from one. About a bottle and a third of wine, I think. Scarily, there are many, many people who drink to this excess and appear to function.

I would expect that he had a day off to prove he doesn’t need it.

My friend is going away for the Easter weekend. She is insisting that her DH goes with her and the dc. She says that it is so they can all have some much needed family time. I know that it is actually to stop him drinking all weekend. There is always a reason for him to drink - tough day at work, unwinding, weekend, sun’s out, favourite film is on. Anything and everything is an excuse to drink and it will never change.

On friday night my DH had just come home from work and my youngest came into the kitchen with an empty large beer bottle that they found stuffed down the back of the sofa. DH was a bit awkward and off with the little one like he had been caught out, well he had been caught out. I later asked little one where he had found it. Pretty sad times

So he holds a job?

For now.

There is absolutely no way you can keep that lifestyle up. It's why your 40 year old self thinks "WOW" when you look back at what your 18 year old self could do.

And it's only going to get worse. One drink begets two. Two becomes four.

Is he going to stay productive at work whilst he's under the influence/craving his next fix?

Are you going to wait until you get the knock on the door because he's been in a massive accident?

Is his job reliant on a clean driving license?

He may appear functional but with that much alcohol, you are never sober, only less drunk. Your liver needs a rest.

Are you going to wait until he lashes out as the dependency worsens?

It will suck massively for him but he's not single. He's married to you. He's the dad to your kids. You are not married to the booze. The booze did not father the kids. I feel for you OP, but you need to put it on the line. It's either the booze or you and the kids. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

@DebtheSander its a crazy amount isnt it. Yes i think the day off justifies it to himself that he can have a day off therefore theres no issue here. My DH is like your friends- any excuse to drink. I just want a relationship where drinking alcohol is not the be all and end all

The thing is, it's 74 units that you know off. It is very likely he is drinking more than that. I remember those days when I was counting up his units in my head - it was a never ending source of stress. Then after he finally left and DDs and I cleared out, we found all the bottles. By that point I knew he was drinking a lot more than I could see, but by my reckoning he was on about 120 units a week.

Your husband may not be that bad, but I can almost guarantee you aren't seeing all of it.

He just doesn’t see it as a problem. Because for him, it isn’t.

He goes to work, he has a day every now and then when he is “good”. You look after the kids, You make sure everything ticks over nicely. So in his head he thinks “what’s the problem?”. He probably thinks that if you get a bit mardy, he’ll just cut down for a bit.

I have seen this cycle so many times with my friend. She has enough, blows her top and issues the ultimatum. He tells her that it’s not really that bad. That so and so drinks far more than he does. But he recognises that she’s not happy so promises to cut down. Spend more time with the kids. Get more involved in family life. And he does, for a few weeks and then it slips. Then back to square one. I have watched this play out for years.

So he will behave himself at Easter but then we’ve got the long BH weekend beginning of May. Then the long BH weekend beginning of June. I know exactly how it will all play out.

You know too @PostItNoteScribbles. Have you sought support from anyone such as AlAnon?

@DebtheSander you have hit the nail on the head. Starting to think im your friend!!! Literally dreading summer and the amount he will drink

Hello, i had the conversation with DH re his drinking. He looked at me like i was talking about someone else. Ludicrous that he should cut down from what, he in his mind, hardly drinks (74 units that particular week). How could i know how much he drinks unless in a psycho checking him constantly. Ah this is driving me insane. He didnt argue just got up and went to bed. We had another conversation a day or so later and he begged to cut down. I said no more drinking at home only if he went out. He wasnt happy with that but went along with it until last night. Three large bottles of beer (9 units). Im going to see how this goes, i know its going to repeat all weekend and then im going to reiterate my feelings. I wanted to ask- when i tell him the units he drinks and he looks at me with disbelief and tries to twist the truth (i know its the truth im stone cold sober and know im not crazy), he says his mates/other adults drink like this etc, would you say this is gaslighting?

If his mates drink like that, they are also alcoholics, but in reality your husband has absolutely no idea how much his mates drink when they're at home with their families because he isn't there to witness it. Maybe they knock back eight pints when they're at the pub with him, but that doesn't mean they're doing the same at home with their families.

Most adults absolutely do not drink that amount and yes, he's gaslighting you.

The fact that he insists this is normal is probably the biggest red flag there is, to be honest. And, as kindly as I can say this, this is just not a man who will be able to just cut down. The idea that he will only drink when he goes out just isn't going to work. What will actually happen is one of two things: a) he will start going out every night or b) he will drink in secret.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP. My ex was an alcoholic too and so much of what you're saying is so familiar to me.

@10HailMarys Thanks for your response. Ive also said this to him re friends. They most likely all give it the - yeah i had a few drinks etc in conversation but in reality its just not like that. Ahh its so frustrating. Im angry with myself for even allowing him a chance when weve been in this circle so. Many. Times!!! I saw the beers on the side last night and he said- well my mate cancelled on me (they were meeting for a drink after work) so he bought some home. Its Thursday, start of the weekend right 🤦🏻‍♀️

i just feel like im living in limbo. Unable to shake him off, like hes still desperately clutching to my leg for one final chance…. 🫤

He's in denial OP. It's not really gaslighting in that sense - unless he's gaslighting himself. He's surrounded himself with other heavy drinkers and they are enabling each other.

You are not going to persuade him to cut down, stop or even accept he has a problem.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I was drinking more and more and more - it's a progressive illness. I went from having a couple after work a few days a week to drinking round the clock every single day, in the space of a few short years. I'm slowly putting my life back together, but until I was ready, I simply didn't listen to my loved ones begging me to stop. It wasn't that I didn't love them. I love them more than anything. But I had an addiction I could not control and will never be able to.

I would strongly recommend you remove yourself and your DC from the situation, because there is only one way this goes over time, and that's more and more increasing consumption, along with negative consequences - health, financial, relationships. There may be temporary reprieves, but until he truly WANTS to stop and puts the work in, the overall trajectory will continue relentlessly downward.

You may benefit from seeking help from Al-Anon for yourself (this may have been suggested already, sorry haven't read whole thread.) Good luck

Sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like you have made you decision to leave. Which I 100% understand.

I don't know exactly if he is gaslighting you or just in complete denial. I remember telling my mum (and recording her) how much she drank and she told me I was crazy/ lying. I would find empty bottles hidden in places. Kind of like your child. But I was older and not innocent to what was going on. Begging her to stop didn't work. Asking did she love me or drink more didn't work.

If he does start hiding alcohol, do no throw it out. That will make him angry and there really isn't any knowing how he will react. In my own journey I hid drink. I was super pissed off when DH found it and binned it. I never reacted in any apart from to be angry but said nothing. He wouldn't say he threw it out, but I'd know and he'd know I knew and it felt awful. What it did do was make me increase the amount I hid so that if he found one spot I had a back up.

I'm not saying you have to even consider this. But not long ago I was talking to a man whos wife kicked him out for drinking. He got his life together. AA/ stopped drinking etc. After about 18 months she took him back.

Even though he is denial if he is like me and many others I have meet deep down he does know. Keep talking to him when sober. Try to get him to the GP/ AA.

I've had a drinking problem since the age of 18 (I am now 31). At my worst I drank around 100 units a week. I now drink around 50ish maybe? Not sure. I'm extremely high functioning though so most people have no idea. They think I am just an ex party girl. My home is immaculate, pets and DC well looked after, home cooked meals for everyone, work part time, keep up an exercise routine etc. But really I'm a mess and feel like shit mentally and physically. It's been a difficult process admitting it to myself but I know I have a problem and am working on changing it. He'll never change until he admits it. Sorry you're going through this OP. I think the worse part of it is that you are left doing everything because of his addiction. If this is the case he's bringing nothing to the relationship.

What you're hearing is his denial talking, as others have said. The moment he admits that what he is doing isn't normal and that no, not everyone else drinks like he does, he has to face the fact that he is dealing wtih addiction. That won't happen until he's ready and it won't happen until things have got a lot worse - for him and for you and the DC.

I would start giving very serious thought to getting out. You have children, you have to put them first. My kids live with the damage their alcoholic father did every single day even now they are adults.

You sound like you keep wanting to reason with him. You can't. The more you try, the longer you postpone things. As a PP said, he is undoubtedly driving when over the limits at times. With the amount he is drinking he has also damaged his brain by this level - heavy use of alcohol leeches vitamin B from your system and causes all kinds of problems. I am sorry, but he has clearly shown you he does not want to work on this. And trying to gaslight you. I also don't believe he has days when he does not drink. I bet he still does, but even more sneakily.

If he came home tonight and said, he wanted to end things and he had enough. Id almost feel relief. Id accept it and move on but i think as its me making a decision he doesnt agree with. I feel paralysed to make that final chop.

i envisage my life moving forwards with a calm happy home, eventually buying my own place. Its lovely and its what i want. I feel sad its come to this but his empty promises are so frustrating 😔

It is denial. He will turn things around to me being over weight. Yes i emotionally eat because im unhappy. He will make comments about that to deflect from him