The amount DH drinks….

[PostItNoteScribbles]

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

@PostItNoteScribbles you are allowed to feel low. It's a natural reaction to grieve about the loss of a relationship that meant a lot to you, especially given how powerless you are to do anything to make it better. It's incredibly hard to accept that the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with has made choices that mean it won't happen that way. Allowing yourself to feel those feelings is natural and healthy.

I hope your divorce goes as smoothly as it possibly can, and that if it doesn't and your H kicks off, you will keep posting here for support. There are so many survivors of alcoholic partners on here who will help you and listen to you.

I think what I found very difficult in the days and weeks after leaving my alcoholic husband, was how incredibly sorry he was for himself , sorry for his behaviour, sorry his mum had never bonded with him, sorry his dad had never stuck up for him, sorry I had taken the children with me. He was a mess and I felt so bad for him. But I stuck with it and within two years he found someone else to look after him and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I'm not saying all divorced alcoholics will find someone else, only that it is hard to leave when they are such a sorry mess. The only advice I can give is to shut down your emotions towards him and keep them shut down, and then plough on with getting out.
I found Al Anon unhelpful but I have a friend who wouldn't miss a meeting she finds it such a comfort. Each to their own.

PerseverancePays mine was like that too - full of the 'woe is me'. But he did nothing with it. He attended therapy exactly once, and when the therapist didn't tell him what he wanted to hear (which was basically that he could carry on drinking and our DDs would learn to accept that and want to see him again), he never went back.

I worried about him, but I was so busy holding down a job and supporting DDs that I didn't have a lot of head space for him. I also wished he would just die so that we could all stop worrying about him and the DDs wouldn't have to feel bad about blocking his endless self pitying messages on their phones.

When he did die, most of what I felt was relief.

Going to my support group was and still is an enormous help, but we're not Al-Anon affiliated - we're a bunch of free thinkers bound together by our circumstances and we work very well together.

Yes i think - for me personally, AlAnon is not helpful. Ive attended 6 or so meetings now and i just dont “get it” its not speaking to me. I found talking to AlAnon on the helpline much more helpful to be fair. A one on one conversation.

Sound like he's a functioning alcoholic. This is how me and dh have drank for about 25 years. I just stopped for good a few weeks ago. I had to due to health. Dh has quit by default. We both feel physically much better. We've tried cutting back and limiting to weekends but always end up in the same hole. That's why I decided to quit for good.
There is nothing you can do to make him stop. He has to decide that for himself.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Are there other groups in your area you could turn to? It might be worth finding out. The group I go to used to be very hard to find, but we're now linked in with the council, the local branch of Mind and the local branch of Turning Point as well as regional carer organisations, so we get quite a lot of people referred to us. There might be something similar in your patch, and looking up the above organisations to see if they can signpost you might work.

Failing that, feel free to pm me.

Nrtft but read ops posts

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but living with an alcoholic parent makes your dc more likely to develop addiction and other Mh issues themselves

I am/was the daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin and sister of alcoholics and addicts

Of the 3 of us (me and siblings) sister is an addict, I have major Mh issues and brother holds on perhaps too tightly to his own sanity and control

This is not a healthy or supportive environment for the dc or you. The very best thing you can do for everyone involved is split from him which I see you are heading towards

I think once you do you will wonder why you didn't do it years earlier

I wish you so much luck with the split and living a healthier life

I just wanted to post to wish you luck op. I am the child of an alcoholic , I then married one , left him and eventually stopped drinking alcohol myself as I realised my relationship with it was becoming unhealthy too.

What you're going through is beyond difficult , but in reaching out for support you're helping yourself and your children more than you'll ever know.