The amount DH drinks….

[PostItNoteScribbles]

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

Op you are really going to have to grasp the bull by the horns here. I think despite what anybody says on here you need to have your own lightbulb moment where you realise that you can no longer tolerate his behaviour/drinking.
I hope for the sake of your DC's you have that lightbulb moment soon.

Please put your children first.

I could have written this post. My ex partner died of liver failure last year due to their alcoholism. I had left them 9 months previously as things were awful... but took probably 5 years to build up to that day. Nobody thought it was 'that bad'. Addicts are sneaky and will minimise, hide, lie, gaslight... etc. Two weeks before they died, their parents were still making out that I was the 'bad person', making up stories they were still drinking etc. Denial all around!

OP, I really feel for you. You don't need him to agree with your opinion of whether his relationship with alcohol is bad or not. It's not acceptable to you - that's all that matters.

I honestly know how hard it is knowing how much you need to end things - but honestly, that bit is so much worse that ending it! Once the words are said and the practical activities kick into place, you will feel such relief.

Nothing is better than a bright future without an alcoholic in it - espeically one in complete denial, who has the audacity to make out you're being a psycho/monitoring them/being their mother/not perfect yourself yada yada yada. Be strong. No, retirement should not be something to dread. Summer shouldn't be something to dread. You shouldn't feel like he's a lodger.

Life can be so wonderful on the other side of this. Good luck, and feel free to PM me. x

Thank you im taking it all onboard

I really wish you would listen to your children. You're not hearing them.

You are doing the right thing. His alcoholism isn’t fair on your or your children. My father was an alcoholic and it still impacts on me now. Even though l haven’t lived at Gond for years. He isn’t with us anymore as he drank himself a decade ago

Why does your life, your well-being, your future matter less than his?
I've been where you are albeit without children. I also thought for a long long time that it wasn't "bad enough" to leave him over. I'd read posts on here from others in similar situations being told that they needed to get out, that their partner wouldn't change, that the drinking had already trumped any relationship and I think but they don't know him like I do. He's my best friend, we've been together for so long, he's just reacting/trying to cope with the shit we have in our life, he's a good person... And he was. All of those things but ultimately he was primarily an alcoholic.
I was so entrenched in "supporting" him - to quit, to cut down, to take vitamins, to drink less, to drink low % beers, to enforce "rules" - no drinking in the week, no drinking after midnight, only drinking after dinner... He still drank, he just got better at hiding it and more adamant that I was crazy. It wasn't support it was enabling him to carry on manufacturing excuses free of responsibility.
Eventually I went to see our GP and she agreed that the only thing I could do was leave. She referred me to women's aid and a local group. I felt a fraud as he'd never hit me or physically hurt me...
I wish I'd left sooner. I hoped beyond all hope that me leaving, following through with my threat would kick him up the bum to get the professional help he so desperately needed (that he was being offered but not taking).
It wasn't. 9 months after me leaving he had been evicted. 16 months after I left he was dead.

What do you need (practically, emotionally,) to get out of this situation? Make a plan - your plan. For you and your children. Be open and honest- enlist the help of everyone you can. Talk to your friends and family. They cannot help if you are not truthful about the situation. I spent years covering up and I shouldn't have. You will waver and feel as though you are "letting him down" and "breaking up the family" you aren't. Drink is. You will come out the other side. Keep posting and access any and all support you can. Stay strong. You matter, your children matter. Make that your focus. You cannot change, control or cure him.

@Livetomake thank you for articulating this so well. Your story is my story except we had kids and it only took him 8 months to die.

OP, you don't need to rush. You can plan your exit properly. As long as it ends in you and your DC living without him. No more second, third fourth chances.

{flowers} to @Livetomake and @pointythings , so glad for you both that you are out the other side and living YOUR lives again

@pointythings @Livetomake I'm so sorry you've both been there, too. I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I wondered if either of you would be open to chatting via PM. I have had amazing support in the lead up to me leaving my ex, during our separation and ultimately around their death and beyond, but it's not an everyday scenario (though sadly not rare). I would love to be able to chat a little with other women who have been through similar, it's a fairly unique circumstance. x

He is in denial, yes, but for god's sake, so are you! You're expecting him to change, and yet you aren't.

Please, one of you grow the fuck up and get your kids out of this.

@BritInAus I'm happy to chat via PM or move on to WhatsApp if we find we get on - wouldn't be the first time I've linked up with a fellow traveller on here. I'm part of a support group for relatives of addicts too, and I'm kind of the group lead on supporting people with alcohol addicted loved ones so this would be a natural extension.

Thank you for your helpful response. Its actually rang so true to how ive been feeling. Im so sick of the supporting, rule making, minimising. I just want to be free from this. I will be. The chances and ultimatums have all run out now.

Im sorry there are so many of us who have either been in this situation or going through it. It feels hopeless at times. Im sorry @LaingsAcidTab its just not that simple to leave when lives are entwined or children involved. Your comments are not helpful

I understand your predicament, PostIt. But as a child of alcoholics - both of whom died from alcohol-related diseases - it has done untold damage to me and my siblings - both of whom are also alcoholics. So I'm afraid that your reservations about having to un-enmesh yourself pales into relative insignificance in comparison to the long-term damage that problem drinking wreaks.

Not sure I'm adding anything others haven't already said. But sadly, from personal experience he really won't change unless he wants to. You can talk to him and ask him to stop, but ultimately he's responsible for his own behaviour.

It's easy for people like me to say you should just leave and I can see how it might not be possible right now. But just a thought, it doesn't sound like he involves himself in much of family life? So do ask yourself if you're already living separate lives anyway, just in the same house? Sorry that it's such a sad and difficult situation.

Having to disentangle yourself from a long standing relationship involving children is hell. Of course it is. But your kids have already expressed that they want a home without their father in it. Read up a bit on the damage having an alcoholic parent does to a child. Honestly, it's terrifying.

My youngest has PTSD and is only now at age 19 in a place where she feels strong enough to access treatment.

Hello, i just wanted to check in. Ive attended a few AlAnon meetings via zoom. (I have a list of available sessions i can pass on if anyone would like this btw). Im not 100% sure they're for me but ill keep going for now.

things are still the same at home exceot, following on from my warlier post re: LO finding an empty behind the sofa, he also found one under our bed 😩 adding to this also, that i noticed DH had refilled the bottle of wine half way with ribena (i drank a little to check this). When confronted he turned it all around to be my fault somehow- i would have nagged if id of seen him drink half the bottle 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

Al-Anon isn't for everyone - it wouldn't be for me either. If it starts doing more harm than good it's time to look for other options.

How is your divorce prep going?

You sound sad but focused - that's very healthy.

@pointythings yes im determined to end this. I think finding those recent items happening, which lets face it are all signs, its just confirmed to me that i dont want to be here in this relationship.

Im just feeling really rubbish and down about it all. Feeling like im no fun and making a mountain out of a molehill etc.

Oh OP 😥😥😥

It'll catch up with him. It always does.

You just need to decide if you want to be there to pick up the pieces. I wouldn't

ExMIL was a functioning alcoholic for years. She has suddenly spiralled into dementia. I never liked the woman, but I'm so sad about what's coming for her and exFIL.

Getting out of the mindset that being pissed is fun is a major step. You are not being a fun sponge.

(sorry about my first post. Should have read to the end)

@HesterShaw1 no I definitely dont want to be around for that

Really sorry you feel stuck at the moment.
I grew up with an alcoholic father. I became an alcoholic. Thankfully I'm in recovery (many years).
I am not sure of statistics but many of the people I have met in recovery have come from a childhood where at least one of the parents was an alcoholic.
You have time to save your kids. And yourself 💐