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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The amount DH drinks….

133 replies

PostItNoteScribbles · 06/04/2022 10:02

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 07/04/2022 19:28

I think ive pretty much made my mind up that this will end. I dont think anything i say will make a difference. I think ive changed how i feel about him over this and because of this.

@Chely im ashamed to say, yes he does drive but again, ive spoken about this but its just ignored Confused

Not looking forward to this conversation. Its also finding a time when hes not drinking to have a sit down conversation Hmm

OP posts:
mummytooneprincess · 07/04/2022 19:43

Both my MIL and FIL were alcoholics. Initially functioning but in the end not. My FIL got caught drink driving and lost his job. This led to a spiral for them both which was horrible to watch and had a profound affect on both my DH and SIL. They died within a couple of years of each other. One of a heart attack, the other cancer. Alcohol addiction is just awful for all those involved. Good luck OP Thanks

Throckmorton · 07/04/2022 19:53

Please report it to the police when he drives while still udner the influence - he could kill someone

Disconipples · 07/04/2022 20:37

My husband used to be a really heavy drinker (by my standards as a none drinker.). He was a typical binger in that he would go through phases and his drinking would increased steadily in quantity and days per week until we had a big bust up or he decided to go on a health kick etc. About a year ago I decided I'd had enough, I got to the point where you are now that I decided I was done, I wasn't going to change him and i wasn't going to subject my kids to his behaviour. I was concerned as they were getting older and staying up later that they would be more aware of his drinking/behaviour. One day I gave him the ultimatum, he stopped and if he ever drank again I was going and the kids were coming with me. I said I loved him but I loved my kids more and he was forcing me to choose and it would always be them, every single time. I honestly believe it was the reality check he needed and it worked because he could see i was done. I wasn't giving him the ultimatum to change his behaviour really, I was giving him fair notice of what was coming and I think he could absolutely see that I would 100% follow through. He hasn't touched a drop since, he is back to being the man I loved. He will sometimes say he does having a drink on occasions like BBQ's etc, but I take it as a positive that he is able to acknowledge that and also know not to go there.
I really hope you have a happy future, with it without your husband.

Tonkerbea · 07/04/2022 20:47

He's in denial, this must be so hard for you Flowers

And the amount of money he's wasting on poisoning himself slowly!

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 07/04/2022 21:12

Yep tonight hes been to the pub for two and come home with four cans so thats another 13 units. Its almost like ive become numb to it. Its normal behaviour for him.

@Disconipples ive given him these kind of ultimatums in the past and stupidly ive never followed them through. Said no alcohol in the house, only drink when he goes out etc but i get it thrown in my face that im controlling, no fun etc

I need to find the strength to leave Sad

OP posts:
GucciBear · 07/04/2022 21:31

Before I married I knew my husband drank a fair amount but nowhere near how much. He had a professional career until he died of an alcohol related cancer. He used to go out of the office at lunchtime to the pub, at 5 - 6 when he left he went to a local drinking club and reached home about 7.30 - 8 for dinner. We sometimes had wine. At 10 he walked up to the local and i was in bed and asleep before he tottered in. As someone once said to me - |You do realise that he was never entirely sober!!

H caused much stress and angst to me and my child and I wish I could have seen clearly through the misery and left him before I had to nurse him . Please do not let him ruin your life and health.

I ought to have mentioned that he drove every day until banned for three years.

theemmadilemma · 07/04/2022 21:44

I echo everything @Teeturtle said. I could have written that apart from checking myself in for treatment when I saw my work really slipping. I knew I was close to everything finally falling apart. I wanted a different life. I was sick and tired of being very sick and tired.

You should leave.

Chely · 07/04/2022 23:07

I would be tempted to report him to the police for drink driving, you've tried to reason with him and he isn't listening to you. Maybe they can make him see sense.

Nat6999 · 07/04/2022 23:43

My late dp died from alcoholism & I wouldn't wish a death like that on anyone. But only he can make the decision to sort himself out, nobody else. My advice is to contact Al-anon for support for yourself & if the situation doesn't improve then either leave or make him leave.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2022 00:00

I doubt very much that he only had two drinks in the pub. If you weren't there then he would feel free to have what he wanted.

SparklingLime · 08/04/2022 00:04

Have a look at nacoa.org.uk/ for your children.

BritInAus · 08/04/2022 02:17

@Lastqueenofscotland

I’d be setting him an ultimatum that he gets help or you leave and set a date in the reasonably close future to have seen progress or you’ll be starting proceedings
Kindly, I don't think this is the best advice. Ultimatums will not make cure someone with a chronic alcohol use problem. Sure, they might sober up (or pretend to sober up) or drink less for a specified amount of time. But it'll all happen again.. it's all a cycle. And even if they do 'recover' there's no guarantee for how long.

Honestly, life with an alcoholic is not fun. Especially one who doesn't even try. The best thing you can do is leave and don't look back.

Thereisnolight · 08/04/2022 07:52

@PostItNoteScribbles

Yep tonight hes been to the pub for two and come home with four cans so thats another 13 units. Its almost like ive become numb to it. Its normal behaviour for him.

@Disconipples ive given him these kind of ultimatums in the past and stupidly ive never followed them through. Said no alcohol in the house, only drink when he goes out etc but i get it thrown in my face that im controlling, no fun etc

I need to find the strength to leave Sad

It sounds as if something has clicked in your head and the next ultimatum will be real because you’ll mean it. It is no life atm. Good luck!
Survivingmy3yearold · 08/04/2022 07:52

As the child of an alcoholic, please make arrangements to leave. Once you've gone and he realises what's at stake he'll either seek help and get himself sober or he'll sink further into it, but which one he chooses is beyond your control. If you stay he'll only sink further and take you and your DC with him. My dad always kept down a job until he lost his license for drink driving, he was lucky not to go to prison. He had a job as a delivery driver at the time. He then lost his next job for drinking on his breaks and getting caught stealing alcohol. He was hospitalised a few years ago with alcohol induced dementia and nearly died. He was then "sober" for a few years, although it never really seemed genuine. He then relapsed massively and died last year alone. My DB was the only of us still in contact. He was devastated the last time he saw him. He called an ambulance for him as he was in such a bad way but the paramedics wouldn't take him due to Covid. They had a huge row as dad was lying to him about not drinking despite having a glass of neat vodka on the table and a box of 12 1 litre bottles that he'd ordered from Amazon hidden under the sink. My sister and I had accepted what dad was a long time ago and put distance between us. My brother was determined never to give up on him but the last words the spoke to each other were awful and my brother feels a huge amount of guilt that he will always feel, and none of us can help him with those feelings. Please make arrangements to leave with your children. I sincerely hope it's the shock he needs to properly look at himself and get help.

pointythings · 08/04/2022 08:32

I agree and disagree with BritInASus re ultimatums - they are indeed futile in changing an alcoholic's behaviour, whether you keep to them or not, but they can be useful to you if you keep to them because they hold you to a timetable for your exit. I only ever gave my husband one ultimatum but I stuck to it like glue, however hard it was. It spurred me to get support for myself, it spurred me to stand firm no matter what pity party woe is me manipulation, it helped me take the advice from the social worker who told me that yes, I could pursue an occupation order to protect my children based on the things he had done. The ultimatum I gave held me to account.

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 08/04/2022 08:44

Thanks for all your responses. I think, in all honesty, the time for ultimations are over. I just want him to leave. He could stay with family temporarily so he wouldnt be on the street. I know his parents will pay me a visit to “talk me round” but i do have a good relationship with them so hopefully we wont strain that too much as i see them daily for childcare help. Ive given ultimatums hes not listened. Its time. Its going to cause a whole world of pain for a while but i do know im doing the right thing. Now i just need to find the right time and say the words!!! Sad

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 08/04/2022 08:53

You’re absolutely right, OP.

SadLittleLife · 08/04/2022 10:30

Hi @PostItNoteScribbles. I've read your thread and I know you commented on mine about DH drinking (he has left BTW).
Your DH's behaviour sounds very different to mine as my DH's drinking is all in secret (or so he thinks Hmm) but I suspect that the more you confront him, the more it will turn secretive. That's probably how my DH'S behaviour developed.
It won't just stop though, you know that.
Good luck. I hope he will perhaps agree to face up to it and get help. I know my DH won't...

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 08/04/2022 10:53

@SadLittleLife yes i can see he will go that way to hide the drinking the more this progresses. Good news that your DH has left. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 08/04/2022 10:55

Another thing that spurs me on is that when the kids leave home, what are we going to be left with? When we retire etc. if i dont make changes now, it will be worse

OP posts:
SadLittleLife · 08/04/2022 10:58

I don't know if it is good news @PostItNoteScribbles but it's progress I suppose.
I suspect that I am older than you and yes, the thought of just me and him, without distraction of DC, would make situation worse.
Hate coming home every day wondering whether he has had a drink and what he's hidden.

Original poster
PostItNoteScribbles · 11/04/2022 09:43

Thanks for all your comments and advice. Weve had a (his side) family gathering this weekend so ive not had the chance to speak with him. I think he senses something is afoot. He keeps telling me he loves me, hugging me trying to kiss me (with his beer breath!). Im literally going to break his heart. I need advice on how to end this in the easiest way. Please help me!

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/04/2022 14:04

Sadly there's no easy way to do this. It could only be easy if he admitted there was a problem and that won't happen. Calm and polite but firm is your best option. You will get sad, angry or both. Be prepared to be told it's all your fault for your failings as a wife. Stand firm and get out, it's the right thing for you and the DC.

DebtheSander · 11/04/2022 14:16

You sound like one of my closest friends. She has been with her DH for 16 years. His tolerance for alcohol is phenomenal. He has been at our house for an afternoon BBQ and has drunk 6/7 beers in 2 hours or so and it has barely touched the sides. He then continues through the evening.

He drinks at least 3 cans every night but claims he can stop if he wants to. He can’t. She has lived with it for so long. Money is tight but he still drinks.

She stays because she doesn’t want her kids to grow up with divorced parents (like she did). She spends her life managing the kids around his drinking. Taking them away on her own. Days out on her own so he can spend the day watching the football with his mates, drinking huge amounts.

But he holds down a job so it’s not all that bad. That’s what she tells herself. I’m so sad for her.