The amount DH drinks….

[PostItNoteScribbles]

Tell me AIBU…

In his 40s, drinks on average 6 days out of 7. Around 70 units atm but during summer with bbqs etc, probably more like 80 units a week. Has slowly gotten to this point over the years. Used to only drink on the weekends. From Saturday to yesterday (Tues) hes drank 41 units. Too much right? I mean i dont drink these days but im sick of seeing him with a drink in his hand or not actually but just the glazed look. He thinks i dont see his drinks hes hiding - so last night- he was in a bad mood so i stayed out of his way. i didnt see a drink in his hand as such but saw what he had in depleting over the evening. He holds down a job mon-fri during the day. No issues there with that.

I cant work out if im just nagging and boring as i dont drink or if theres a problem here. Its just incredibly boring and lonely 😞

The harm he's doing to your DC is significant. I'm a sober alcoholic (33 yrs this month - did an AMA when I hit 30) and my DF got sober about 40 years ago. But I learnt my drinking from him. Growing up with an alcoholic is very damaging.

They call alcoholism a family illness because it affects the whole family - from the self-sacrificing saint who covers up for the drunk, to the children who turn to drink/drugs as soon as they hit a bump in the road. There's a genetic component as well. One of my cousins, whom we seldom saw, died of alcoholism in his 50s. His death was horrible - squalid and painful.

I got sober largely because I could see my new marriage wasn't going to survive if I didn't. I really loved him. My parents managed to get me into rehab, I encountered AA and it all made so much sense to me.

It's the best thing I ever did. I'm so grateful to be sober. But to get there the alcoholic has to be fearlessly truthful and, as they say, be prepared to go to any lengths.

Maybe your DH won't ever get there. You can't control him. But you can protect your DC and make sure your DH knows precisely why your relationship has broken down.

He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t think his drinking is a problem. He has repeatedly told you this.

Please please please end this and protect your DC.

You won't break his heart because his only love is alcohol.

You can end the marriage because you are unhappy and don't want to you and the DC to live in a home with a functional alcoholic.

Dig deep, be brave, make your plans and arrange to separate.

That's really dickish of him.

And being overweight is absolutely not the same thing as being an alcoholic. Being overweight doesn't completely change your personality, make you aggressive, make you black out, ruin events for your family, etc. And while there are obviously potential health implications, they are not like the health implications of long-term alcoholism. He's being a massive arsehole.

My husband tried the deflection too - it was always 'well, you're not perfect either, you always [fill in random bollocks here].

The only thing you can do is stand firm and tell him that no, we are talking about his drinking now, we can address [bollocks] on another occasion.

There's only one person you need permission to leave from. It's you.

My late BIL was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking, but the effects of his drinking caused irreversible damage. He destroyed 80% of his liver which could no longer process the toxins in his body. As a result, it caused permanent brain damage and he developed dementia. His body didn’t work properly, he soiled himself all the time and he could barely talk or walk. He ended up in a care home as SIL couldn’t cope with him any longer. He died from his alcoholism. That is what it says on his death certificate.

She had years of misery living with him, his children hated him due to what he did to their mother. Unless your husband can acknowledge that he has a drink problem this is what you can look forward to.

She now lives a very small and lonely life as she had to abandon work and friendships to care for her husband. She rarely has anyone to go out and socialise with and relies heavily on her family because she has no friends. We don’t live near enough to see her very often.

@PostItNoteScribbles We had another conversation a day or so later and he begged to cut down. I said no more drinking at home only if he went out. He wasnt happy with that but went along with it until last night. Three large bottles of beer (9 units). Im going to see how this goes

I'm not sure if the word begged is supposed to be agreed. I'll assume it is.
He agreed to cut down, you told him no drinking at home - did he agree to that or did you tell him that? Did you state a consequence/issue an ultimatum on not drinking at home?

Alcoholics love any excuse to drink, and he found a technicality on the 'no drinking at home' at the first opportunity.
His logic was that he would have been out and drinking if his friend hadn't cancelled so really it wasn't drinking at home, it was the drink he would have had while out but he happened to still be in his house.
There will always be a technicality and reasoning in his mind to sidestep this 'rule'

He doesn't think he drinks too much so any agreement to cut down is to placate you.

His 'everyone drinks this much' is the same as kids who tell their parents that their friends stay up later/get more pocket money/stay out after dark etc
Its information that can't be verified and is designed to make you think you're unreasonable so you back down.

You cannot continue like this and you cannot reason with an addict so why even try?

Thanks, all of these comments and advice im taking it all on board. i need to put my big girl panties on and take control of this. So since he bought those last beers on Thurs (to today) hes drank 35 units so far (over 3 days). I know hes holding back as well as he knows im watching him

Keep posting for support on here if you can't get to a group locally or online. The key thing for you to do now is detach - it isn't doing you any good tracking his intake, it just stresses you out. Accept that he is an alcoholic and he will drink to excess and that you are powerless to do anything about it. Then take the power you do have to save yourself and your DC and start making preparations to divorce him.

Yes he is an alcoholic.

You also have a big problem in that you’ve prioritised your H over your DC, by staying in the relationship this long. Would read up on codependency.

He will not admit to being an alcoholic. He may well say that he’s going to cut down/stop occasionally, but he won’t.
You need to decide what you want.

Sunday, he had some drinks. It was hard to keep track as i kept hearing them open but when i checked, the bag wasnt going down. Today ive just been to put the bin out and found 5 bottles of large beers chucked in the black bin. Id say sunday he probably drank 7 bottles (21 units) 🤦🏻‍♀️

i think what you lovelys have said about him drinking more than i know is actually true. In a way i hate the warm weather as he just sees it as a free ticket to sit around drinking. Bank holidays dont help 🙄

‘monitoring’ his drinking and what you regard as risk factors (eg bank holidays) won’t help.

‘You didn’t cause this, can’t control or cure this.’

would be better to use your time, energy and attention to reflect on your personal options now.

You are still there, to your and your DCs’ significant detriment. That’s down to you and you could change it when you so choose.

Please try to access some support to help you detach from him. Obsessively monitoring his drinking only stresses you out more and achieves nothing. Take it from someone who made that mistake- you need to focus your energy on getting out.

You need to detach from him. Nothing you say or do will make any difference. Staying with him will make you miserable.

Jesus. On eighty units per week he might need medical help to come down from that, unless he's able to bring it down gradually. If he stops cold turkey he might be at risk from serious, dangerous problems such as seizures.

With 168 hours in a week and the body taking an hour to clear one unit of alcohol he is intoxicate on average 50% of the time, which considering he can't drink when he's sleeping is a horrifying number. I used to work in prisons with guys who were drug and alcohol dependent and if someone said 80 units per week major alarm bells would be ringing and we'd be getting them on some kind of alcohol replacement medication to keep them safe. That's nuts.

I lost a parent to alcoholism, we're not teetotal (DH and I) but I probably drink a couple units per month and him a unit every couple months. I honestly couldn't be raising a family with someone like that. I know it's a massive problem and I feel for him but with kids involved you have to prioritise and protect your children. It's not fair to expect them to live with someone who is in the throes of active addiction and who isn't ready or willing to sort themselves out.

Imagine looking forward to the warm weather and Bank Holidays because you're gonna get up at a decent time together and go on a nice day out somewhere. Or have a pleasant barbecue in the back garden without anyone getting pissed.

On that note, is he ever alone and responsible for children?

Op he wont change. Firstly he doesn't see a problem. Secondly he's a functional alcoholic, so as long as he is holding down a job and being 'present' he sees no problem. You are not going to change him. You will waste years of your life listening to promises, finding out he is lying, resentment growing until you leave. Alongside this, your DC are learning that this is normal.

i know, you are all right. I just now need to reiterate my words. He had a final chance and hes blown it 😣

You need to start the divorce process now. It's hard, many of us on this thread have been where you are now, but I can promise you that life without an alcoholic in it is better to an extent you cannot now imagine.

Good luck @PostItNoteScribbles . It sounds like you know what you need to do and that you and your children will be much happier living without him.

You seem very focused on the number of units. Of course, it's way more than what is recommended. But the number itself shouldn't matter - to you, anyway. The point is that the amount he drinks is enough to negatively affect your relationship. That's all you need to know about the amount he drinks. You can stop trying to count. It's irrelevant!

I know it sounds really silly but i almost feel that i dont have enough reason to end it especially as ive put up with it for so long iyswim. He pushes it all back on me, im ruining things, splitting up the family, making everyone sad etc but i know the children do say to me they would like to live in a house without their father (that is nothing to do with me saying anything to them either). If only it was easy to fast forward six months through this…

It's not going to be easy. He is going to make it all your fault - because if he didn't, he would have to admit to his alcohol problem and the hold of his addiction won't let him do that.

I had almost 7 years of watching him get slowly worse. With hindsight there was a moment 5 years in when I should have hit my breaking point, but I wasn't ready. Calling it a day is hard. Knowing that you are ending the relationship, however much it is for the better, is hard. But if your DC are already saying they would prefer to live in a house without their father in it, it's time. Getting support will help you work through the misplaced feelings of guilt. The sooner you start a petition, the sooner it will be done.

In the circumstances, thinking you ‘don’t have enough reason’ to end the relationship is another indicator of your personal, current problems and role in this family problem.

Your DC are even saying to you explicitly that they would like you to take action.

and yet you continue to prioritise your H, which is really sad and not OK for your DC.