Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

[calmama]

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

hattie43
I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it

When people say things like this I always think of little Ruby Bridges, walking into school through a crowd of adults into a situation where no doubt she’d be constantly bullied.

For things to change people need to stop conforming to the current status quo.

Ok so hair length isn’t anywhere near the level of bravery Ruby displayed, but if we want to move away from toxic gender stereotypes we need to stop forcing our children to conform.

So many women here conforming to gender stereotypes & backing down to nasty bullies instead of standing up for their children.
Depressing but explains a lot.

DS has longer hair and chooses to keep it at shoulder length. Our decisions on length are based around practicality, frequency of hair cuts vs logistics of tying it up. He has ASD with sensory issues so this matters a lot to him.

The only comment we've had from school was regarding tying it for PE. DS was peeved because despite being a consistent length for years, one teacher had a bit of an issue. However it's a H&S point and a headband was put in his bag that night.
Part of our hair tying issues are sensory and the discomfort of hair pulled in the "wrong" direction, and partly that when we have tried top knots or ponytails, it only takes before some nitwit classmate says he looks like a girl

Long hair is the least of reasons a bully could go for DS. He can't change his size, ASD, or dyspraxic sporting prowess and interests. We celebrate him being an individual, his strengths and interests. He puts enough effort into masking through a school day, and it's too much to expect him to blandly conform. We're lucky with his primary school being good at teaching individuals and our secondary application was around schools with a strong pastoral support and ethos of developing the individual. The secondary he has a place at has a strong reputation on dealing with bullying rather than victim blaming or brushing under the carpet.

Hair should be clean and practically managed and anything else is just a personal point of style. It's depressing that so many people are hung up on boys having short hair and girls having long, pretty hair. Long hair was fashionable on boys 50 years ago, it's hardly that radical!
(And in the 14th Century )
(And 2000 years ago )

Why do mums get so heartbroken about cutting hair? I don't understand it. What need is that child's hair filling in them?

@BusterGonad

Why do mums get so heartbroken about cutting hair? I don't understand it. What need is that child's hair filling in them?

Do you ask this of mothers of girls?

@RedScarfJamjar

You've had loads of opinions to look at here OP so I won't add to those. What I would say (as mum to two long, curly haired kids) is brace brace for headlice season! Absolute pain in the arse

I don’t think there is a season. It’s a year round endemic issue in British primary schools as far as I can tell.

Dentistlakes
Kids bully others for lots of reasons. If they can’t see something obvious they’ll make something up. You can mitigate the risk which is what I assume the teacher is getting at, but you can’t eradicate it. Generally bullies go for an easy target; kids who are kind and sensitive and won’t push back. It could be the teacher thinks your DS fits this brief and wants to limit the chances of him becoming a target.

This.

It's probably not the hair but the attitude that's in other boys before the school even get hold of them. The teacher may well have seen kids like your DS (wonderful as he undoubtedly is) struggle before.

Before anyone shouts me down, I agree that he should be who he is, like what he wants, do as he pleases. It reminds me of About a boy. Be yourself, but meantime in the jungle of school....

Sad as it is, his life may be made more difficult.

My oldest DS was in a class with lots of boys who fitted the typical rough and tumble stereotype. He was gentle and sensitive. He struggled. Over time he learned that his school life was easier if he joined in. Overall the acceptance made him happier. He's still him and as an adult will be who he likes. He recognised a need in school though to adapt. Your 5 year old DS may not be there yet, but the teacher could be anticipating difficulties.

My youngest DS is arty, quirky etc but is in a class with similar and can happily admit his likes even if it doesn't fit a stereotype. It's easier for him with like minded classmates but again, he will undoubtedly have to rein some of it in for High School as his cohort changes.

I suppose as difficult as it is to accept, and even though we all might see this as prehistoric and unacceptable in 2022, schools can only do so much to challenge attitudes.
The messages from home will be what dictates attitudes and behaviour in children.

My son is 8 and has long blonde hair . He is sweet and sensitive and some have called him a girl but he just says he is not . How dare the teacher suggest your son has to change because of possible bullies . What about the person who wears glasses , has speech impediment , overweight etc ! Do they all have to change because some children are bullies ! Ridiculous . Victim blaming . Disgusting

DS had gorgeous long blond curls when he was young and also he used to wear his twin sister's clothes sometimes . He finally decided to have his hair shorter when he went to secondary school. He was never bullied, to my knowledge (and despite the early dress-wearing, he is straight).

@BusterGonad

Why do mums get so heartbroken about cutting hair? I don't understand it. What need is that child's hair filling in them?

what a weird thing to ask. do you ask the same about dad's dressing their boys in their football team kit? or mums putting bows on girls plaits?

I can't believe the teacher said that. I consider it my job as a teacher to promote an environment where children are free to be themselves and if any child/children are bullying anyone because of that then it is my responsibility to sort that out. It is the bully who should be punished. Your child should be free to have his hair however he wants it. My class are great at celebrating differences, mainly because that is the atmosphere I curate.

I'm sorry, that's a strange thing for the teacher to say, maybe the teacher should be more focused on ensuring that children are kind to one another in their class.

My DS is 8 and hasn't had his hair cut since November 2019. He didn't want it shaved in lockdown and once it's got long thats it he wants it long. He loves it. He's never been bullied. He has the occasional girl comment but he just corrects them. It's ridiculous they're implying that he needs it cut to stop bullying. How about the teacher stops the bloody bullying?!

My youngest son, now 27, had glorious long curly hair right through primary school. He was never bullied. The teacher is an idiot [primary school teacher here] and should never have made or broached this matter, it is unprofessional. Report her to the head and enjoy your gorgeous boy.

No your child shouldn't change who he his to stop from being bullied. I hat ethics mentality. Bullies should have much tougher consequences at school.

*BusterGonad
Why do mums get so heartbroken about cutting hair? I don't understand it. What need is that child's hair filling in them?

Do you ask this of mothers of girls?*

Have to say I do find the attachment of many mums, and dads, to their little girls “crowning glory” or “gorgeous”, “beautiful” or whatever long hair and absolute resistance to cutting it above the shoulders slightly odd.

Even when my dd chose to have her hair pixie cut short, we actually struggled to find a hairdresser to do it. Most wanted to do it in tiny increments- it looked far worse half heartedly chopped than it did when we found someone to do a proper pixie.

When dh took her once the hairdresser was terrified in case I didn’t want her hair cut. She had a 10 year old clearly saying what she wanted, dad there saying it was her hair, her choice, yet her main thought was what would mum want..

@PlainJaneEyre

He's 5 years old - do you let him do everything that HE wants? It's time for you to tell him it's time for a big boy's haircut or you just let him keep it long. You cannot police everyone's thoughts though regardless of policies, legislations etc. I don't agree that many boys have long hair - that's not what I see coming out of both the private and state school near me.

Christ on a bike. Have you heard yourself.

This reminds me of a thread earlier this week.

Please tell us you don’t have a tinkly laugh and are super liberal?!

😂

My little boy got curly long hair and he’s 3 no way will I be cutting it in till he wants it cut himself,

My son is 2.5 and I chose to have his haircut from fairly young because I didn't like seeing him constantly moving it out of his face when he was playing. If your son is only 3 does he even know having a haircut is an option? I don't think my son would have ever asked for his hair to be cut.

There are no comments about girls long hair getting in the way or being a distraction as that's what is expected. It's ridiculous.

Are we reading the same thread? There were two comments, one asking if girls also had to tie it back, and one responding that anyone with long hair should have to tie it back..

Which is totally normal in my experience - in fact my son got away with long, loose hair for longer than he should compared to the girls (largely because it's curly so stays out of the way on its own). He even got away with wearing a woolly hat for a few weeks because he was embarrassed about tying it back (thought people would 'look' - although not embarrassed enough by the idea to cut it!), but now we just pull it back into a bun every day and he realised no-one cares at all.

@hattie43

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .

But forcing someone to change to a hairstyle they don't want to fit in is bullying

I don't know why people bother responding to @Viviennemary. They only spout the BS to get a rise.

Dont cut his hair
It sounds beautiful
Cut it when your kid says he wants itcut

My kid was always mistaken for a girl whe he was young. He corrected the people and went on playing. No biggie.

Long hair is beautiful. Society is fucked up. Who says long hair is just for girls. Sounds like my ancient parents in laws. Its 2022 people:)

Feels like victim blaming to me - I think the teacher might need a little bit of training.

Yes. Hairs hair, whether it's on a male or female.