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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
GrandRapids · 06/04/2022 11:55

If your son was being bullied then I could perhaps understand her raising it with you. It's then your decision as to the steps that you want to take just as much as it's their responsibility to clamp down on bullying.

However, as no bullying is actually occurring I would just say ok thanks for letting me know. He's fine/happy as he is!

balalake · 06/04/2022 11:56

Dealing with bullying and parents who are unsupportive when their child is a bully should be the school response.

worriedatthistime · 06/04/2022 11:59

Also there is bullying and just kids being kids so a new kid meets your ds and mistakes him for a girl , your ds says no Im a boy thats not bullying
A bully will aways find something about someone , I mean kids call other kids fat who clearly arent as they know its an insult and little kids name call sometimes and just need to be put right
I think the teacher seems very oit of date

IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 11:59

[quote Heartofglass12345]@DietrichandDiMaggio I hope you feel the same about mothers who want their daughters to have long pretty hair so they can stick bows in it and style them like their own personal doll, because it's the exact same thing.
There are no comments about girls long hair getting in the way or being a distraction as that's what is expected. It's ridiculous. [/quote]
Indeed.

Long hair is long hair. But likely your son’s long hair is a sign that you are a crazy woman who cannot be trusted to parent. 🙄

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 12:01

One thing to bear in mind, is that if your child (for whatever reason) Doesn’t feel as though he fits in, he may try not to fit in, in sort of self-defence. It feels better to choose to define yourself as ‘different’ rather than allow other people to forcibly define you as different.

I did this. I was bullied for being short, and really struggled with it. So I ended up cutting my hair really short, it distracted them from my height, but also meant their attempts to bully me failed because I'd chosen to stand out.

Now I'm proudly non-conformist and it's given me a lot of confidence and strength, in a way that attempting to conform and avoid the attentions of the bullies didn't.

EndaDay · 06/04/2022 12:04

You can educate and talk to children as much as you like, it won't stop bullying. Adults do it, kids do it-sometimes adults can bully in subtle ways but kids will always do it.

So, it really is empty to say that the schools shouldn't allow bullying for any reason-and I'm sure most schools do try to stamp down on it but you may as well ask the sun not to rise as to ask kids not to bully.

They might pick on your son because he has long hair or on someone else's child because they have the wrong pencil case.

They may not pick on your son at all but I would be stunned to find a class that didn't have one child that wasn't picked off for something and all the talks about no bullying and kindness won't stop it.

Bullies are everywhere-in school, in workplaces, in marriages, online and no school can stop it.

Seemssounfair · 06/04/2022 12:04

Obviously it is the bullies that should be dealt with and managed, but the reasons some children are picked out by bullies when others are not is more complex.

Some with long hair will never be bullied and others will as it is a combination of factors such as self esteem, popularity, confidence, fitting in, being able deal with conflict etc.

Personally if I had any concerns about the later I would cut his hair. You shouldn't have to but it could avoid a lot of heartache.

Remember the only reason he likes his long hair is because you let it grow and it is all he knows.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 12:06

I grew up with short hair, it's very thick, my mum had 4 of us to care for, I was always mistaken for a boy, not a nice thing really when you're a girl and want to look pretty like your friends. I would say that it's effected me. I grew it long in my teenage years. It's long now. My son grew his hair during Covid, 2 years of online learning so he wasn't actually seeing anyone else at this point. My husband grew his hair too. August last year we moved abroad so new school and job for both, they both cut their hair short. It doesn't really matter what we want people to think of us, they'll think what they like but for me getting my sons hair cut was something we wanted to do so he'll fit in, look smart and won't stand out. Kids want to fit in, the last thing they want is to be the odd one out. I wish my mum grew my hair long like all my friends. She didn't. I always felt ugly. My husband cut his hair because he didn't want people to see a guy with long hair and make up their own assumptions about how good he'd be at his job etc..

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 12:06

@Seemssounfair

Obviously it is the bullies that should be dealt with and managed, but the reasons some children are picked out by bullies when others are not is more complex.

Some with long hair will never be bullied and others will as it is a combination of factors such as self esteem, popularity, confidence, fitting in, being able deal with conflict etc.

Personally if I had any concerns about the later I would cut his hair. You shouldn't have to but it could avoid a lot of heartache.

Remember the only reason he likes his long hair is because you let it grow and it is all he knows.

actually not true. I know a couple of (male) children under 10 who have decided to stop having haircuts. One of them went to short hair around age 15, the other never did.
Mewski · 06/04/2022 12:09

If bullying occurs, deal with then. Otherwise instilling insecurities at this age will cause way more issues later on.. I'd have a word with the teacher too, and make sure she never mentions 'his hair' in front of others too. It's none of her business at the end of the day.

IvorCutler · 06/04/2022 12:13

This is awful, what would she propose if there was someone in the class who was neurodiverse, or someone who had a physical disfigurement? It’s her job to teach the children that diversity and differences are part of life and everyone should be treated with kindness.

Gelasia · 06/04/2022 12:14

Remember the only reason he likes his long hair is because you let it grow and it is all he knows.

That's simply not true. A five year old is old enough to have their own opinions, and able to imagine themselves with different hair. My DS, now 6, has long blonde hair. He has often been mistaken for a girl, especially in the country where we are temporarily living. I have told him many times he can cut it if he likes; it's his hair. He doesn't want to. It's certainly not coming from me - I have to look after it, would be fine with him getting it cut short!

I would be furious with this teacher. Seems to me like she's creating a problem that doesn't exist. Maybe when he's older bullying will be more likely, but at five? She's just projecting her stereotypes onto your son. Unacceptable in my opinion.

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 12:15

I can't help thinking that the reason bullying is still seen as so inevitable is because so many people are willing to indirectly condone the bullies behaviour by insisting their victims are bringing it in themselves in some way, which allows it to continue. Which convinces the enablers that it's inevitable.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 06/04/2022 12:16

I have taken great care to ensure that my ds doesn't stick out in any way and although this is so wrong, it worked. Schools are fucking vicious and nobody can do anythign about it

My dd had short hair in reception. One kid started making comments about only boys having short hair (despite both female teachers having short hair)

The teachers pulled me to one side, mentioned the comment, told me they’d told all the kids anyone can have long or short hair or whatever the fuck the want. They said if dd ever mentioned anyone said anything of the sort again, to let them know and they’d sort it.

This was so right, and worked more than dd ever trying to grow her hair to fit in would have. She now has the confidence to be herself.

Me, on the other hand, was brought up with “what will people think”, and spent my entire childhood trying to fit in, not stand out and to try not to be noticed in any way. Even now as an adult i am scared to do things in case people notice and comment.

Don’t limit your children.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 12:16

@MedusasBadHairDay

I can't help thinking that the reason bullying is still seen as so inevitable is because so many people are willing to indirectly condone the bullies behaviour by insisting their victims are bringing it in themselves in some way, which allows it to continue. Which convinces the enablers that it's inevitable.
Absolutely spot on. That’s it in a nutshell.
Snog · 06/04/2022 12:16

I'd talk to the head teacher as this teacher sounds unprofessional.

naanaa · 06/04/2022 12:17

Let’s just remember he’s 5! He doesn’t know or need to know or understand about stereotypes. As he’s not being bullied I would also not discuss his hair with him except to say if he gets bullied at school to tell you. Don’t even mention that ’you might get bullied because of your hair’ because that’s a sure fire way to him getting self conscious about it and becoming fearful.
This teacher is either actually seeing some bullying of your boy and doesn’t quite know how to deal with it so has chosen the easy route and expects you to change your sons appearance or she’s just behind the times.

I don’t think the school needs to do anything at all here until any bullying is actually happening. I’m quite sure all schools use circle time to discuss behaviour but they don’t need to use your son’s specific long hair situation because again any child capable of bullying will pick up on the idea and run with it .
I’m not a believer generally in allowing children too much choice until a certain age they just don’t have the mental capacity for it. You’re there to do that for them but when it’s something like whether he should have long hair or not it’s simply not an issue.
At the end of the day if he is being bullied which I presume you would have heard from him by now and it upsets him and wants it cut then that’s one thing but it is correct to think that bullies will just choose something else to bully him about.

Preparing your boy for life is more about helping him become a confident child and this isn’t done by conforming, it’s done by valuing who he is not what he is.

If you feel you have to say anything to the teacher I’d simply say you’ve considered what he/she’s said but that as his mother you’re happy to deal with any issues if and when they arise, just as you would expect him/her to do.

ItsSnowJokes · 06/04/2022 12:17

Bullies are gonna bully no matter what. If your son doesn't want to cut his hair them don't have it cut. If it's more you then you need to change that but if its truly your son leave him be. Bullies will always find something to bully about.

TedMullins · 06/04/2022 12:18

@Viviennemary

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.
I don't think she's specifically happy, but equally, why would she/you care? Being called a girl isn't an insult. I've been called 'sir' when I shaved my head. I was surprised/amused but said 'it's madam, actually' and moved on. it really isn't a big deal.
RedScarfJamjar · 06/04/2022 12:18

You've had loads of opinions to look at here OP so I won't add to those. What I would say (as mum to two long, curly haired kids) is brace brace for headlice season! Absolute pain in the arse Grin

Nomoreusernames1244 · 06/04/2022 12:23

Viviennemary
I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl

That really isn’t the insult you seem to think it is.

Despite the current narrative that misgendering is literal violence, most of us don’t give a shit.

Anyone calling me he gets a correction and silent judgement on their adherence to stereotype. If they can’t see beyond the short hair to see a grown woman then that says more about their intelligence…

Same with my kids. I’ve tried to bring them up outside of stereotype, anyone who keeps telling me they can’t be a girl because they are wearing a blue top (yes that happened) isn’t very bright.

GettingItOutThere · 06/04/2022 12:24

@hattie43

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .
this i would agree with the teacher, sorry. It may be 2022 but kids are mean, why have a walking target
Theworkhouse · 06/04/2022 12:25

The other kids don't think he is a girl, because that would mean that girls get bullied in that school. They know he is a boy and that he doesn't CONFORM. That upsets their parents narrow minds, or rather the teachers narrow mind.
If he wants it long leave it.

Westfacing · 06/04/2022 12:25

Some 25 years ago a friend's son started school with his long blonde hair in a ponytail. He has a classic name which was a male name but became female and popularised by celebrities, and on his first day came upon a girl already in the class for a few months with the same name - she also had a long blonde ponytail!

All the kids said that's a girl's name so he asked his mum to cut off his hair and was adamant - she was heartbroken but cut it.

I see no reason why the OP's son should cut his hair in case he's bullied, particularly as he doesn't want it cut!

IamAporcupine · 06/04/2022 12:26

@MedusasBadHairDay

I can't help thinking that the reason bullying is still seen as so inevitable is because so many people are willing to indirectly condone the bullies behaviour by insisting their victims are bringing it in themselves in some way, which allows it to continue. Which convinces the enablers that it's inevitable.
This!