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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:15

Above

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:16

Sorry my quotes aren't working. This is in reply to Ice Volcano

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:18

Well yeah. My son never wanted to wear a football shirt from his dad's team. It's no big deal. What's my husband suppose to feel about it? Heartbroken? It's a bit extreme isn't it. It's hair/football shirt/hair bows not a leg amputation.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 13:19

@BusterGonad

I grew up with short hair, it's very thick, my mum had 4 of us to care for, I was always mistaken for a boy, not a nice thing really when you're a girl and want to look pretty like your friends. I would say that it's effected me. I grew it long in my teenage years. It's long now. My son grew his hair during Covid, 2 years of online learning so he wasn't actually seeing anyone else at this point. My husband grew his hair too. August last year we moved abroad so new school and job for both, they both cut their hair short. It doesn't really matter what we want people to think of us, they'll think what they like but for me getting my sons hair cut was something we wanted to do so he'll fit in, look smart and won't stand out. Kids want to fit in, the last thing they want is to be the odd one out. I wish my mum grew my hair long like all my friends. She didn't. I always felt ugly. My husband cut his hair because he didn't want people to see a guy with long hair and make up their own assumptions about how good he'd be at his job etc..
don't kids get to choose though? I do get that the desire to fit in is a natural one, but surely wanting to fit in is different from feeling that you have to or else you will be bullied....why is it "smart" for a boy to have short hair but "ugly" for a girl? What would you have done if your son hadn't wanted his hair cut?
BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:20

Above in response to IAmAporcupine

BIWI · 06/04/2022 13:21

It's horrible how so many women are prepared to support the teacher's request - as if being called 'girl' is some kind of insult. Angry

@calmama not surprised you've left the thread. You are absolutely NBU to do what your son wants. And as PP have said, if there is a bullying problem, then it's the bullies that need to be dealt with. Otherwise this is just victim-blaming.

ManateeFair · 06/04/2022 13:22

@Nothappyatwork

My child bloody hates his teeth being brushed but he didn’t do it he’d bullied because he smelt so we brush his teeth. Haircuts are just one of those things that we do.
You only make your child brush his teeth in case he’s bullied? Not because, you know, tooth decay is painful and dangerous? Wow.

Brushing teeth is important for health, so kids should have to do it. A specific type of haircut has no impact on health, so they shouldn’t have to have one.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:28

godmum56 I would have got it cut regardless, maybe not short short but definitely trimmed as it was out of control. My son never wants to get his haircut, he has autism, if he had his way he'd never bath, wash his hair, get out of bed. I'm here to parent him. He gets choices but not everything goes his way. I wouldn't want him going to a brand new school, being one of a, handful of expat kids and standing out like a sore thumb with out of control hair, he struggles to fit in at the start of a new school as it is, so for him blending in with his new school mates is the best start for him, once he's known, he's found his friends and found his feet then he can chose to grow it longer if he wants, but if he won't let me wash it regularly or get it trimmed, it stays short.

WildebeestH · 06/04/2022 13:30

Our son has long hair. He’s always had friends who are girls as well as boys. At primary we had many debates about his hair but he made it clear that he didn’t want it cut. Over time he’s had periods when he’s tried to engage a bit more with interests that are more common among the boys… football etc. Just enough to take part and be included. He’s now started secondary school and he tells me that he’s ‘found his tribe’. They’re mostly boys and nearly all have long hair. They have wide ranging interests and aren’t shy to express they’re opinions. I hope it continues.

Give him the confidence to explore who he is and to be okay not being the same as everyone else.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenmeansNogo · 06/04/2022 13:33

Why do you have long hair on him? Genuinely. I understand when they choose something, my 5 yo is very particular about certain things, but did he have it short when he was a toddler and choose to grow it ?

greenmeansNogo · 06/04/2022 13:37

Reading your replies now. An undercut makes the hair less thick so this is actually a good suggestion unless he has thin hair.

Indiana2021 · 06/04/2022 13:38

It's horrible how so many women are prepared to support the teacher's request - as if being called 'girl' is some kind of insult.

That's not really what people are saying though. The hair is possibly a bit of a red herring and there's maybe more to it than that from the teachers point of view?

Even the most forward thinking of schools can't mitigate the ingrained messages coming from many homes, so the teacher is possibly anticipating that the OPs DS may find things challenging due to a variety of factors.

Depressingly it's about being realistic about other people's views and how horrible kids can be to other kids, despite the best intentions of teachers and schools to challenge this.

It's not women betraying women. It's called being realistic, sadly.

ManateeFair · 06/04/2022 13:38

@BusterGonad

I grew up with short hair, it's very thick, my mum had 4 of us to care for, I was always mistaken for a boy, not a nice thing really when you're a girl and want to look pretty like your friends. I would say that it's effected me. I grew it long in my teenage years. It's long now. My son grew his hair during Covid, 2 years of online learning so he wasn't actually seeing anyone else at this point. My husband grew his hair too. August last year we moved abroad so new school and job for both, they both cut their hair short. It doesn't really matter what we want people to think of us, they'll think what they like but for me getting my sons hair cut was something we wanted to do so he'll fit in, look smart and won't stand out. Kids want to fit in, the last thing they want is to be the odd one out. I wish my mum grew my hair long like all my friends. She didn't. I always felt ugly. My husband cut his hair because he didn't want people to see a guy with long hair and make up their own assumptions about how good he'd be at his job etc..
Except the difference here is that you didn’t like your hair. The OP’s son does like his, and has said lots of times that he doesn’t want short hair. You’re projecting your issues on to someone else - it’s understandable that you didn’t like being mistaken for the opposite sex, but some kids simply aren’t bothered by that. I had short hair when I was 11-13ish and when I first had it cut I was mistaken for a boy quite a bit, and I honestly didn’t give two hoots about it. I just used to laugh and say ‘I’m a girl, but don’t worry, it’s fine!’
BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:41

My son always had short hair, he grew it during covid 19, we were in South East Asia, everything locked down, school online learning was for 2 years, it was easier to just grow it. There was no need to go through the hassle of trying to find a hair dresser as he wasn't really leaving the house.
Me, I've had very short crops on and off as an adult (like Helena Christensen in the early 90s) Mainly in my early 20s when I was nice and slim and had great self confidence, now I'm older, a few stone heavier and cannot get away with it so much. Also I can't be bothered trying to find a decent hair dresser that can deal with thick wavy European hair. Most wet it, cut it, blow dry it. Looks great but them I get home, wash it and it dries looking like a wedge of cheese. Not worth the hassle.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 06/04/2022 13:43

My son is 2.5 and I chose to have his haircut from fairly young because I didn't like seeing him constantly moving it out of his face when he was playing

Would you cut a girls hair for the same reason?

SuitcaseOfWhine · 06/04/2022 13:48

Bit of a strange suggestion from the teacher. Kids get bullied for being overweight, but I bet she doesn't ask parents to put their kids on a diet. I think it is more about her views than the other children's. I think people have forgotten that boys have always had long hair throughout history, it is not a 'new' thing.

If your son likes his long hair, let him keep it. It is upto the school to ensure it is a safe place free from bullying and prejudice. It's not for the kids to change so this can be avoided.

My child has long hair, mainly because any attempt to cut it short would end in disaster. He isn't really talking, but I do think he would be upset if it was cut. The more people bend to people like your teacher, the more it will be seen as not acceptable.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:54

ManateeFair I see what you are saying but my son stands out enough, he hates being stared at, he hates being pointed out. In his own words 'he just wants to left alone to mind his own business' being one of a handful of white kids with wavy European hair, and a tendency to voice his grievances it just wouldn't work with his wants and wishes. Sometimes you've got to do things, for the greater good. No one wants to change who they are for others but sometimes you do need to fit in. Maybe I'm completely wrong. I don't know. But that's my view anyway.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 13:56

And you obviously had way more confidence than me to not get upset with being confused with a boy. I hated it. Maybe because I had an older sister who had lots of boyfriends etc and always looked amazing in my eyes. Who knows.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/04/2022 13:59

Why should your son have to change himself to please bulliesAngry
This screams victim blaming and brushing serious matters under the carpet to me.
Its different he wants to cut his hair for "himself".

QuinkWashable · 06/04/2022 14:06

And you obviously had way more confidence than me to not get upset with being confused with a boy. I hated it. Maybe because I had an older sister who had lots of boyfriends etc and always looked amazing in my eyes. Who knows.

And to me, it's better to build that confidence than pressure a child to conform.

I've had hair of all lengths, been mistaken for a boy, always just thought they were wrong, didn't take it as a criticism of myself.

And for your son, it's clearly a care need to keep hair manageable (similar to me telling my DS2 that I was cutting the ends off his long hair to stop them tangling so much as they were frazzled).

And thirdly, yes, if hair is getting in a toddler's eyes, boy or girl, I think you should cut it. It will grow back once the child is old enough to express an opinion. I have one DS keeps his hair short, and one that keeps it long, having given them both buzz cuts until they were old enough to tell me they didn't want that any more.

BusterGonad · 06/04/2022 14:13

Unfortunately it didn't build my confidence. I think by the time my mum got to bringing me up (youngest) she was too busy to keep up with things, I didn't get a bra for ages either... I think a, little bit more care and attention would've been great. That's why I try my best to give my son what he needs. I try to keep my eyes out for what his friends wear, the trends he might like etc.

dworky · 06/04/2022 14:13

Even if he was bullied, is it a good example to set the child or the bully, to merely capitulate to nastiness? What happens when the bully picks on something that can't be changed?
It's an indefensible position &, in my opinion, that teacher has their own issues towards boys with long hair.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 06/04/2022 14:15

This seems strange. I’m a teacher. We’ve got loads of boys with long hair in my school and staff wouldn’t dream of suggesting a hair cut! If they are bullied, this will be dealt with appropriately. That said, I’ve never encountered bullying due to length of hair. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but I’ve never encountered this particular issue.

Yirk · 06/04/2022 14:18

8f your son is content with his hair, then the teacher needs to butt out.

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