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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces Wedding AIBU to not go

153 replies

Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 08:19

AIBU not to attend? It would mean I need to leave DD (14 years old) alone for 6 hours through the day ( our house is very isolated, she has depression and anxiety and our large dog is hard to handle), drive back half an hour to collect her for the evening reception(to which she is invited) and then back to the hotel again. Also I know we are not sitting with our relatives for the dinner, but we are sitting with Mother of the Brides family as we all live in the same village. I am told this is why we are at the same table. I try hard with them, but they never speak to me. I wave and they don’t wave back. I can see them talking to each other and ignoring us. My husband says he will go to the wedding which is fine with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
YoYoYoYoSup · 06/04/2022 17:00

@WomanStanleyWoman

Can’t your husband go to the day reception and you go to the evening do with your daughter?
This
yzed · 07/04/2022 00:15

ancientgran

TurningUpMyStereotype
Because they RSVP’d to say yes! If the dog etc was a problem then they should have said no.

Things have changed since the OP accepted the invitation.

They should have borrowed someone's crystal ball. I mean they really should have found out about the OPs father having an emergency operation and her brother getting covid.

Anyone know where you can get one of those crystal balls?

Ooooh, yes please, I could do with one of those crystal balls, too. I mean an accurate one. It would make decision making so much easier! And I think the NHS should sign up for a few. I bet that operation on OP's father would have been easier for them if they'd known when he was coming into the hospital and what the operation was going to be. Could have been scrubbed up and prepped for his arrival!

Oh, and the government could save lots of money and time on the mathematicians predicting what was coming in each stage of covid.

I would use mine for, "If I visit this place or take this walk, will I catch covid? Then I could have been out and about with impunity and no risk of the deadly disease.
Perhaps I should try Amazon? Or Tesco? Or ... ?

ancientgran · 07/04/2022 10:46

@yzed We could start a campaign for "the Mumsnet Crystal Ball" I'm sure the investment would be worth it.

Reminds me of my late MIL, she fell and broke her hip and was taken by ambulance to hospital where the NHS cared for her and replaced said hip. Was she happy, was she satisfied with the service? No she wasn't. Moaned about the NHS, moaned about the hospital. Why did she moan? Well her friend was going into hospital for an operation and she got a letter and a leaflet explaining everything to her. MIL didn't get one. When we explained the NHS didn't know she was going to fall and break her hip so they couldn't write to her in advance she wasn't at all convinced that was an adequate excuse.

Without that crystal ball you really can't please everyone can you.

Qazwsxefv · 07/04/2022 11:02

Reasonable to not invite all cousins - we could only afford small wedding - mum was annoyed asking why first cousins on both sides weren’t invited - pointed out that cousins plus their spouses and their kids added up to 60+ persons - no longer small wedding.

Reasonable also for you to say you could go when you had childcare but now you don’t. So your going to have to cancel. Bride and groom have to expect if they don’t invite dependant children then parents might need to cancel last mo.

If you can go to the evening with DD.

Depending on how soon wedding is call or txt bride to cancel - she might have someone else who is desperate to come

Mumontour85 · 07/04/2022 18:32

NO... YANBU for some of your excuses, but some are total jokes.

Does your daughter not have a SINGLE friend she could spend the day with?!

Is there NOT A SINGLE HOTEL or B&B close to the venue where your daughter could spend the day at the pool or something?!

Can you and husband drive separately, and you just go home and not attend the evening reception?!

As for the seating arrangements - who cares?! Either use the close proximity to put them on the spot and ask what their issue is, or have a marvellous time with hubby and don't even try to speak to them!

If you don't want to go, don't. But stop with these pitiful reasons!

FuzzyDonkey · 07/04/2022 18:51

My goodness. These excuses seem a bit flimsy, if I am honest! There are work arounds to be found without too much difficulty.

People (and I'm talking generally here, not about OP) really do get miserable / entitled / resentful about weddings. They're total feud fodder!

From the posts on here and some of the other bullshit I've recently encountered (people threatening to cut others off entirely for LIFE because of not being invited to the ceremony bit of a wedding, only the reception...which is the bit that costs money, right?) my other half and I have decided we are 100% eloping. Inviting no one. Snubbing everyone, equally! So they can all get offended together, but at least there will be no "oh, you invited THAT person and not me? CUT OFF FOREVER!) about it. Nope. Not falling into that trap.

Fluffmum · 07/04/2022 19:35

Just go in the evening. Send DP in the day

cherish123 · 07/04/2022 20:05

Could you not explain circumstances and ask for dd to be invited.
I would not be keen on leaving her that long if she has depression.

Dumblebum · 07/04/2022 20:08

No you can’t go. You can’t leave a mentally unwell 14 year old with a large dog who can’t be controlled and is difficult to handle.. You will need to attend in the evening only.

Runnerduck34 · 07/04/2022 21:49

I dont think many understand what its like having a teen with anxiety and depression, tbf you wouldnt unless youve lived it.
So no need to ask anyone for permission , just say you will both go to evening reception , maybe DH can go to daytime and you and DD come to the evening, or just all go to the evening.

SophieJo · 07/04/2022 21:58

It’s your sister though and she might be disappointed if you don’t go.

Ilovesweets88 · 07/04/2022 22:10

Life is short, think of yourself no one else will, if you don’t wanna do something don’t do it

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2022 23:54

@Chocolateforever

The original plan was to go to the wedding my DF would come to our house at least for a while but his operation was an emergency one and he has not recovered yet
This is a reasonable excuse, especially as the next option, your brother has covid. As you haven't booked at the hotel is there a b and b nearby instead, to save you shuttling back and forth? Otherwise, maybe just your DH should go.
girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 07:56

@SophieJo

It’s your sister though and she might be disappointed if you don’t go.
It's her husband's brother's daughter...
ancientgran · 08/04/2022 08:17

@SophieJo

It’s your sister though and she might be disappointed if you don’t go.
It isn't the OPs sister. It's her niece on her husband's side.
beautifullymad · 08/04/2022 08:48

If it's a church ceremony, go to the ceremony with your daughter, this is the important bit, and if it's in a church it's open to anyone. Enjoy taking photos outside, its a nice thing to do.

Then let your husband go to the reception, you take your daughter home and both get ready for the evening reception it will be a lovely relaxed afternoon. Put on face masks, do your hair, have a Prosecco spritzer (very low alcohol but all the bubbles). Then go to the evening and enjoy.

I'd drop your niece a line about coming to the ceremony and looking forward to seeing her in the evening to celebrate with her. You can say your daughters mental health is a bit of a worry right now and you want to supper her in the best way but still be able to celebrate with the bride and groom.

SVRT19674 · 08/04/2022 08:53

I would go to the ceremony not the boring party with idiotic Mother of the Bride who can´t be bothered to speak to you. And she hasn´t invited her own first cousin? Must be a British thing, I read it here all the time. Weird in the extreme. Don´t tie yourself in knots over this, they are not.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 08/04/2022 09:13

Thought I’d replied but can’t find it so apologies if this is on here twice…

If OP just goes to the evening as suggested then, unless there’s a single attendee without a plus one who can be upgraded from the evening do.

Nothappyatwork · 08/04/2022 09:16

My brother‘s wedding it’s on the horizon it sounds like a load of shit, people getting drunk and dancing, just not my cup of tea at all it will cost a fortune to go because it’s in the middle of bloody nowhere and there are people there that I don’t want to see, so I’m not going.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 08/04/2022 09:22

Sorry didn’t finish that…then just going to the evening is more likely to upset a bridezilla…wastes a meal and in my experience that’s the most spendy and contentious part.

For those saying these excuses are flimsy and offering solutions that I’m sure OP has already considered…it can be hard to understand how debilitating and isolating depression and anxiety so it could very well not be an option for DD to go to a friends or be left alone. Same with the dog. When people say having a dog is a big responsibility and very tying this is exactly the kind of situation they’re referring to.

This is meant in the nicest possible way but unless you’re particularly close to the bride or groom it won’t ruin their big day. It’s unlikely they’d even notice your absence

Mollymoostoo · 09/04/2022 18:30

@Chocolateforever

Thanks for the suggestions and I mean that. I honestly haven’t taken offence that she’s not invited- the bride has 24 cousins in total so I do understand. Yes the bride is my husband’s brothers daughter.
If my husbands neices was getting married and our daughter wasn't invited, I wouldn't go. Mind you, his DB had a 50th birthday and his wife didn't invite any of us.
Lavenderlid · 09/04/2022 19:31

The dd's mental health issues may be enough of a reason not to attend - but then I wonder why the other reasons (dog, wrong table) were brought up at all?

Heronwatcher · 09/04/2022 20:40

Yes I think YABU if you’ve already accepted. If your DD can’t be left alone then I would have one person go to the ceremony and the other two join for the evening reception. I’m sure that she will understand especially given your DF’s health. No one going to anything seems completely OTT. At the dinner if your table mates are being rude have some fun, claim not to know who they are, where they live and repeatedly mis- name them, all whilst being terribly nice and smiley of course!

RandomMess · 09/04/2022 20:52

I would just go to the evening do tbh.

Original poster
Chocolateforever · 10/04/2022 10:16

Heronwatcher

At the dinner if your table mates are being rude have some fun, claim not to know who they are, where they live and repeatedly mis- name them, all whilst being terribly nice and smiley of course!

Good one 👍

OP posts: