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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces Wedding AIBU to not go

153 replies

Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 08:19

AIBU not to attend? It would mean I need to leave DD (14 years old) alone for 6 hours through the day ( our house is very isolated, she has depression and anxiety and our large dog is hard to handle), drive back half an hour to collect her for the evening reception(to which she is invited) and then back to the hotel again. Also I know we are not sitting with our relatives for the dinner, but we are sitting with Mother of the Brides family as we all live in the same village. I am told this is why we are at the same table. I try hard with them, but they never speak to me. I wave and they don’t wave back. I can see them talking to each other and ignoring us. My husband says he will go to the wedding which is fine with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 06/04/2022 11:51

@Aprilx

God people are miserable about weddings on here, always looking for reasons to get out of them!
thats probably because they are boring as hell , invaribly cost money to attend on the way of having to fork out for a new outfit and a present for the couple , and lets face it , weddings esp white ones are all for show anyway , if they were only concerned with pledging their vows to each other most couples would fuck off to a registry office and just have a couple of witnesses . but no its normally about a huge showy do costing hundreds of pounds so the whole world gets to see what a lovely happy pair they are .
valleyofadventure · 06/04/2022 11:51

Just bring her with you to the hotel; even if there are no free rooms, she can sit in the lounge or somewhere with a book/her phone. You can pop back and forth to see her.

chaosrabbitland · 06/04/2022 11:53

i would just decline it op , personally i wouldnt feel comfortable leaving an anxious 14 year old alone that has depression all day , you know her best , if your going to worry about if shes ok all day its not worth it . thats a valid reason enough to not go ,

balalake · 06/04/2022 11:53

As DB cannot help because of Covid, you can say no with a reason that I hope anyone would understand.

CurzonDax · 06/04/2022 11:56

It is okay to politely RSVP a no to a wedding. One of my own aunts (plus her husband, of course), RSVPed no to my wedding. I wasn't insulted at all, and completely understood. They had their reasons, and sent me a very polite and lovely message apologising for declining the invite. At the end of the day, my wedding wasn't their top priority, and neither did I expect it to be.

However, if you have already said you would go, then you are being very unfair - they would have paid for your meal, and done seating plans etc.
Have you already RSVPed/when is the wedding?

PrincessNutella · 06/04/2022 11:59

Surely a fourteen year old can be alone for six hours. If you can't handle that short a time apart, you have bigger problems than a wedding

TurningUpMyStereotype · 06/04/2022 12:03

Surely a fourteen year old can be alone for six hours. If you can't handle that short a time apart, you have bigger problems than a wedding

Well yes. OP has said her daughter is struggling with her mental health so I’m sure she’s aware of her ‘bigger problems’. Ffs.

TeenPlusCat · 06/04/2022 12:04

@RedHelenB

You and husband should go. 14 year old is plenty old enough to be alone 6 hours.
Honestly a 14yo with anxiety & depression can easily not be well enough to be left for 6 hours. This time last year my then 16yo couldn't be left for 1 hour let alone 6.

OP I suggest you don't go and explain your DD isn't well enough to be left. Or go to the wedding ceremony but not the actual reception.

TeenPlusCat · 06/04/2022 12:05

@PrincessNutella

Surely a fourteen year old can be alone for six hours. If you can't handle that short a time apart, you have bigger problems than a wedding
Yup, much bigger problems: Anxiety & depression. You clear have NO idea how debilitating they can be. Lucky you.
FoxesEat · 06/04/2022 12:30

In your shoes I'd likely just explain that your arrangements have fallen through and both you and DD will come in the evening. Even if your DD was invited to the day or could sit in the hotel lounge with a book, it wouldn't solve the issue of the dog bring left all that time and not many kennels/boarders have space short notice.
Otherwise, if you could sort the dog and dont want to cancel then DD chilling with a book in the hotel lounge or a relatives room is a decent idea.

Sitting with the brides family is neither here nor there, and shouldn't factor into whether you go or not.

ImAvingOops · 06/04/2022 13:00

The suggestion to sit her in the hotel lounge is ridiculous - totally unfair on the child. And probably not ideal for the hotel either.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 06/04/2022 14:15

Yabu for having a dog you can’t even leave with an able bodied teenager

Gizacluethen · 06/04/2022 14:17

I'd let husband go to the wedding then go with DD to the evening

RiaG91 · 06/04/2022 14:39

I think it's reasonable to miss the wedding ceremony but go to the evening reception if your daughter would have been going to that anyway.

I'm sure your niece would be understand that it's easier for you as a family to attend one part of it rather than both.

I wouldn't expect a guest of mine to drive back and forth in between the event!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 06/04/2022 14:42

Could all of you go to church to see wedding. Send dh off to reception while you and your daughter do something for the afternoon then both of you show up for evening do?

KosherDill · 06/04/2022 14:48

@IWentAwayIStayedAway

Could all of you go to church to see wedding. Send dh off to reception while you and your daughter do something for the afternoon then both of you show up for evening do?
This is a good suggestion.
Maybeitstimeforachange · 06/04/2022 14:51

Anyone staying at the hotel she’s close enough to to stay in their room?

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 06/04/2022 15:00

Why do you have a dog that one of the family can’t handle? That sounds dangerous.

yzed · 06/04/2022 15:15

TheDuchessOfBeddington

Grow up!

WildFlowerBees · 06/04/2022 15:19

Why do so many people feel they need to justify their reasons? Op, if you don't want to go don't go. You're not ok leaving your dd, your dh will be there so what's the issue, the bride will be off elsewhere mingling most of the time anyway!

Why should we be swayed by what others think we should do? Do what feels right for you and stick with it.

Spudyoulikeit · 06/04/2022 15:24

@WildFlowerBees

Because they RSVP’d to say yes! If the dog etc was a problem then they should have said no.

LizzieW1969 · 06/04/2022 15:59

I agree with PPs that the best thing here would be for your DH to go to the wedding on his own and for you and your DD to go to the evening reception. Circumstances have changed with your DH having had an emergency op and not being able to step in.

If I was the bride, I would understand! We had a few people cancelling due to unforeseen circumstances and illness. These things happen! (I definitely wouldn’t cite the seating arrangements as a reason, though!)

Not all teenagers can be left for a few hours. Yes the DD is a teenager, but it sounds as if she has serious MH issues. My DD1 (13) has SEN and we could never leave her alone for such a long time, though she’s ok for up to one hour. (Both our DDs are also clingy and anxious as well due to their being adopted.)

TurningUpMyStereotype · 06/04/2022 16:01

Because they RSVP’d to say yes! If the dog etc was a problem then they should have said no.

Things have changed since the OP accepted the invitation.

ancientgran · 06/04/2022 16:08

@TurningUpMyStereotype

Because they RSVP’d to say yes! If the dog etc was a problem then they should have said no.

Things have changed since the OP accepted the invitation.

They should have borrowed someone's crystal ball. I mean they really should have found out about the OPs father having an emergency operation and her brother getting covid.

Anyone know where you can get one of those crystal balls?

Theyulelog · 06/04/2022 16:58

What do you want to do? Do you want to go? If it’s too much hassle just say you have covid Blush I wouldn’t be paying more money to put the dog in kennels and it’s a total ballache and a lot of fuel coming back to pick your daughter up and having to find someone for the dog.
I think weddings can just be a hassle for certain guests and I don’t think people should feel obliged to go to them if it ends up hard work. That’s just me though.