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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces Wedding AIBU to not go

153 replies

Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 08:19

AIBU not to attend? It would mean I need to leave DD (14 years old) alone for 6 hours through the day ( our house is very isolated, she has depression and anxiety and our large dog is hard to handle), drive back half an hour to collect her for the evening reception(to which she is invited) and then back to the hotel again. Also I know we are not sitting with our relatives for the dinner, but we are sitting with Mother of the Brides family as we all live in the same village. I am told this is why we are at the same table. I try hard with them, but they never speak to me. I wave and they don’t wave back. I can see them talking to each other and ignoring us. My husband says he will go to the wedding which is fine with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
MayMorris · 06/04/2022 09:38

@Awrite

So, your neice isn't inviting her cousin to the ceremony, just the evening reception? I wouldn't worry about offending her. Just don't go.
This. If brides and grooms choose not to invite children to part f wedding they’ll have to accept parents may not come or pull at last minute. At 14 years old she is hardly a child . She is also their cousin. I don’t get why she’s invited to evening but not to rest- I assume they’re doing t to cut costs for meal ….it’s hardly likely a 14 year old is going to be running up and down the aisle of a church or wherever making noise. So no, yanbu ….they want to split family up for their wedding then they have to deal with consequence.
Severntrent · 06/04/2022 09:39

It would be rude to cancel at this point. 6 hours not too bad - she can watch some films/make a cake/do homework etc or maybe catch up with a friend? 30 mins drive is nothing. And presumably you care about your neice and dh's family so would be a shame to miss it.

MayMorris · 06/04/2022 09:41

@toastofthetown

Given you’ve cited someone’s COVID status as an excuse which implies the wedding is imminent and you’ve already RSVPed then I think it would be poor form not to go. Your reasons just sound like excuses to me, because you don’t fancy it. The time to politely decline has long passed.
Why? Circumstances change. People get I’ll on the day. Arrangements may suddenly become more difficult- the teenager in question has issues…. They meal is paid for irrespective of whether guests turn up or not. Yes, it isn’t ideal but stuff happens in life and people have to take the best decision for themselves. The father is still going so will represent the family and their good wishes.
BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/04/2022 09:47

A 14 year old with anxiety is hardly likely to be keen to attend a family wedding.

ImAvingOops · 06/04/2022 09:47

Sometimes peoples circumstances change - childcare falling through for whatever reason is a legitimate reason not to attend. And if the dog is difficult then it's also unreasonable to leave it alone with a teenager who can't properly control it.
My dd has anxiety and I wouldn't leave her unless she was completely comfortable with it and could have a friend round for company.

KosherDill · 06/04/2022 09:50

@Doidontimmm

Can DH take DD during the day and you go at night?
Wedding invitations aren't tickets that can be transferred from one person to another. It would be really rude to do this.
Zonder · 06/04/2022 09:50

I'd go to the wedding with DH, leave him there after the main course and go back to the house. That would shorten how long dd is home for. Then bring her along to the evening do. Half an hour each way is close enough to do that.

Or does she get on with any of the other cousins? Could she spend half a day with them until the evening do?

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 09:54

I like @Zonder suggestion. You need to go home at some point anyway, and slipping out during the meal is a good idea and unlikely to be that noticeable.

Datada · 06/04/2022 10:01

Just go to the evening reception with your daughter. It's ok to turn up to an event late, but leaving early is deemed rude, I've gathered.

Sally872 · 06/04/2022 10:02

I would go. Who you sit beside isn't relevant and 14 year old can manage a day at home.

lemongreentea · 06/04/2022 10:03

Is this your husbands niece or yours?

Soffit · 06/04/2022 10:05

I never accept wedding invitations. I really don't know whether I would even attend the weddings of my siblings' kids in the future. It is pretty much always more hassle than it's worth. I am getting good at blunt refusals as I grow older!

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 06/04/2022 10:06

If you don't want to go, don't go, you seem to be making it as difficult as possible. It seems odd your daughter isn't invited all day, if you are the brides aunty and uncle isn't she cousins with them? Or is your husband not her father? I'd feel a bit put out if this was the reason your daughter wasn't invited all day and would probably just let my husband go alone. Sounds like you'd prefer this anyway.

toastofthetown · 06/04/2022 10:06

Why? Circumstances change. People get I’ll on the day. Arrangements may suddenly become more difficult- the teenager in question has issues….
They meal is paid for irrespective of whether guests turn up or not.
Yes, it isn’t ideal but stuff happens in life and people have to take the best decision for themselves. The father is still going so will represent the family and their good wishes.

Of course circumstances changes and emergencies come up. People dropped out of my wedding at short notice due to illness. It can’t be helped. But the nothing in the post suggests the problems are insurmountable. More space is given to the fact the she doesn’t like her table than her daughter’s health making attendance impossible. The OP can make any decision she wants, and the meal is a sunk cost, but her family can also have a view on whether they think a misbehaving dog and not being close friends with people they need to spend two hours in the company of is a good reason to drop out last minute.

crepesncream · 06/04/2022 10:08

I do think the family should have considered your daughter's anxiety and depression and given her an invite to the day do.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 10:09

YANBU. You don't need an "excuse" I hate the word it sounds so judgey. You don't even need a reason although you could say that you can't find appropriate care for your child, you just say so sorry not coming and send DH

WildCoasts · 06/04/2022 10:10

I can't help but feel there should be some work around here. Can the 14 year old go to a friend or other relative for the day?

On the other hand, sometimes things do change. You know your daughter best and if she can be left safely for that long. If she has mental health difficulties that make it risky or problematic, then your child comes first and you either don't go, or just go for part of the time.

shockthemonkey · 06/04/2022 10:11

You haven't said whether you've RSVPed. A pretty crucial piece of info.

ittakes2 · 06/04/2022 10:11

Just say you will come to the evening with your daughter - does sound a bit bizarre they have only invited her to the evening.

ScribblingPixie · 06/04/2022 10:20

It sounds as if the best thing would be for your DH to go, and for you and your daughter to join the evening party (by taxi)?

MimosaFields · 06/04/2022 10:24

She can stay with your DF. He is recovering but it's not like she needs any help. Or put the dog into kennels and leave her at home, if she's ok with that. It's only 6 hours! Enough time to watch two films and it's over.

When is the wedding? Surely of it's this weekend, your DB will have got over Covid by then as well

Musicalmaestro · 06/04/2022 10:25

Would your DD even want to go to the evening do?

ancientgran · 06/04/2022 10:25

Put your daughter first, all the oh I couldn't do this to my niece when you have a child who has some mental health issues is just crazy.

I think the thing about who you are sitting with just shows they aren't worried about how you feel so I wouldn't worry about letting them down.

Don't send your DD with your husband to take your place unless you check with the bride and groom first, if there are lots of cousins left out it could cause an atmosphere and your DD doesn't need that.

I hope your DD gets the help she needs, it is very difficult at that age and people just don't get how bad it can be.

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 10:25

This thread has made me feel really sorry for people organising weddings.

Perhaps they aren't aware of their nieces depression and/or are worried if they invite one niece they'll need to ask 13 others costing additional £££ or perhaps venue hasn't got room for that many people.

People have to sit somewhere, it's not too much to ask for a free meal to make conversation to some new people for an hour or so.

Due to the mention of covid etc. I would assume that the OP and her DH RSVPd months ago.

But equally I can't see what's rude about being there for some of the meal, then coming back in the evening. I'd be a bit annoyed if people pulled out with a fairly lame excuse with days to go, but I'd be deeply honoured if they still made the attempt to be there for the key parts ( you can email in advance to explain and apologise why you need to miss a few bits).

ancientgran · 06/04/2022 10:29

Are any of the people on here who have decided the daughter can be left for a few hours psychiatrist? Mental health nurses? Have they done an assessment on her? No I thought not. Maybe we should accept that the OP is in a much better position to judge the situation than they are.

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