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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces Wedding AIBU to not go

153 replies

Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 08:19

AIBU not to attend? It would mean I need to leave DD (14 years old) alone for 6 hours through the day ( our house is very isolated, she has depression and anxiety and our large dog is hard to handle), drive back half an hour to collect her for the evening reception(to which she is invited) and then back to the hotel again. Also I know we are not sitting with our relatives for the dinner, but we are sitting with Mother of the Brides family as we all live in the same village. I am told this is why we are at the same table. I try hard with them, but they never speak to me. I wave and they don’t wave back. I can see them talking to each other and ignoring us. My husband says he will go to the wedding which is fine with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnIconOfImperfections · 06/04/2022 08:52

Do you never leave your 14 year old daughter alone at home?

Be honest, you don’t want to go, but so far, and you have some pretty lame excuses. I would think of something a bit more ‘meaty’ to be honest! Covid?!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/04/2022 08:54

Can you ask Dd if she can have a friend over for the day, then you go and pick DD up for the evening reception?

Heracles1000 · 06/04/2022 08:55

When is the wedding?

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 08:56

Could you bring DD and dog to DFs?

JeffThePilot · 06/04/2022 08:57

It sounds like this wedding is imminent, probably this weekend if you’re saying family can’t look after your daughter due to current Covid status.

It’s rude to accept and then pull out at such short notice when numbers have been finalised and paid for, let alone when it’s your niece’s wedding.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 08:58

You can't pull out if you've already said you're going and it's in the next few days - especially for nonsense reasons.

Skyeheather · 06/04/2022 08:58

I wouldn't have accepted in the first place if DD hadn't been invited to the wedding with me. Even if it's a child free wedding, at 14 she's hardly going to be running around screaming and causing disruption. I think it's fine to cancel due to childcare issues when your Niece didn't invite the child.

Greybutterfly · 06/04/2022 09:00

Your daughter can take your place with your husband. You can watch the dog then you can join them in the evening.

Or you go as planned. Daughter goes to a friend/family member in the day. Dog in kennels. And she gets a cab to the venue. She is 14 not 4.

It sounds like you are extremely negative and trying to ruin a happy family event. Would you be saying the same for your biological niece?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/04/2022 09:06

Is the wedding in the next week? If so then it would be very unreasonable to cancel so short notice. Not liking the table you're sitting on is no reason to cancel. It really depends how worried you are about dd? Would it be unsafe to leave her by herself? I agree with PP commenting that hating other people's weddings seems to be a thing on MN. I love watching people I care about get hitched!

purplecorkheart · 06/04/2022 09:09

Does any family member have a room in the hotel? Could she not hang out there while you are at the wedding and then come down for the evening part. I assume you were planning to head home that night anyway.

worriedatthistime · 06/04/2022 09:10

I take it , its your dh niece
Shane they didn't invite a 14 year old
If plans have changed in who is looking after dd then contact them and advise your dh will go to the day and you will come to evening as your original plans you made have had to change last minute
Yes its not ideal but they also didn't invite their 14 year old cousin and people getting married now will get cancellations with covid etc

Juniper68 · 06/04/2022 09:15

This

Beeinalily · 06/04/2022 09:22

I'd send a nice present and card and my regrets that I can't attend.

Annette32123 · 06/04/2022 09:23

@Awrite

So, your neice isn't inviting her cousin to the ceremony, just the evening reception? I wouldn't worry about offending her. Just don't go.
Hahaha - one of my friends has 114 first cousins - imagine if they all took offence at not getting a full invite to her wedding! Heck let’s invite their partners and children too - wedding for 2000 anyone?!
HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 09:24

Stay with your daughter during the service, then your husband can come back to collect both of you for the evening.

Or just don't go.

Goldbar · 06/04/2022 09:25

It would have been fine for you and your DD to decline when you first received the invitation but it's really poor to pull out close to the event when numbers have been finalised and your meal paid for.

Could your DD go to a friend's house? Or could you drop her at your DF's to stay overnight and she could make herself helpful there? Then at least you could go to the wedding.

Original poster
Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 09:27

Thanks for the suggestions and I mean that. I honestly haven’t taken offence that she’s not invited- the bride has 24 cousins in total so I do understand. Yes the bride is my husband’s brothers daughter.

OP posts:
Spudyoulikeit · 06/04/2022 09:28

Surprised there’s nothing you could do with a 14yo during the day. Could she not go to a friends house? Lots of 14 year olds go out and about on their own. Alternatively just go in the evening with your DD, that way dog isn’t left too long?

I don’t think you need to invite all cousins to a wedding. Some people have loads 🤷‍♀️

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/04/2022 09:28

Your main reasons for not going to the daytime do are your dd's mh. This is very valid and would have been at the time you accepted the invitation. Everything else you building up things in your head - what ifs.
Half an hour isn't far from a venue to you home to collect your dd. Its only an hour round trip.
I think pp's idea about sending your dd instead of you is sensible, then you join for the evening Reception when everything is more relaxed.

Onlyforcake · 06/04/2022 09:28

I think the idea of you and your daughter switching places is a good one. You can watch the dog, your daughter will hopefully have a nice time with family and you will be available if your dad needs some support.

DrDetriment · 06/04/2022 09:29

If your daughter is so mentally ill that you can't leave her for 6 hours then I hope you are getting the professional help she needs and you shouldn't have accepted the invite. If that's not the case the YABVU. Leave your daughter, put the dog elsewhere (what the hell are you doing with a large dog that isn't safe to leave with your daughter anyway?) and go to the wedding. Other posters are right. You are looking for an excuse not to go.

Doidontimmm · 06/04/2022 09:29

Can DH take DD during the day and you go at night?

incognitoforthisone · 06/04/2022 09:30

I appreciate that your daughter has depression and anxiety (as do I, and I was quite bad as a teenager) but can she really not be alone for a few hours? And would she actually need to 'handle' the family dog beyond letting it out for a wee and feeding it?

I do think you just don't really want to go to the wedding, to be honest.

Bluetowelsandflannels · 06/04/2022 09:32

You really can't swap places to whoever suggested that. I doubt the DD would want to be there anyhow if she is struggling

toastofthetown · 06/04/2022 09:34

Given you’ve cited someone’s COVID status as an excuse which implies the wedding is imminent and you’ve already RSVPed then I think it would be poor form not to go. Your reasons just sound like excuses to me, because you don’t fancy it. The time to politely decline has long passed.

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