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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces Wedding AIBU to not go

153 replies

Chocolateforever · 06/04/2022 08:19

AIBU not to attend? It would mean I need to leave DD (14 years old) alone for 6 hours through the day ( our house is very isolated, she has depression and anxiety and our large dog is hard to handle), drive back half an hour to collect her for the evening reception(to which she is invited) and then back to the hotel again. Also I know we are not sitting with our relatives for the dinner, but we are sitting with Mother of the Brides family as we all live in the same village. I am told this is why we are at the same table. I try hard with them, but they never speak to me. I wave and they don’t wave back. I can see them talking to each other and ignoring us. My husband says he will go to the wedding which is fine with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
FairyLightPups · 06/04/2022 10:32

Just go to the evening reception, surely?

LndnGrl · 06/04/2022 10:32

Why don't her family speak to you op? This would be your sil? Were you the other woman at all?

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/04/2022 10:52

Surely if it’s your niece getting married, it would be a case of you go to the ceremony and then your husband and DD come along later and join you for the reception. Simple.

…Sure you just can’t be arsed going?

Sally872 · 06/04/2022 11:01

@LuckySantangelo35

Surely if it’s your niece getting married, it would be a case of you go to the ceremony and then your husband and DD come along later and join you for the reception. Simple.

…Sure you just can’t be arsed going?

It is husband's brother's daughter so niece by marriage I would still consider that my niece (although if only one can go husband would get priority).
BinBandit · 06/04/2022 11:02

We had similar with my nephews wedding. It was over an hours drive away, no rooms in the hotel the wedding was in and no other hotel nearby. DS was 14 and not invited at all. We didn't attend, it was fine, we sent a card and a gift card. We have a big family, it really wasn't possible to consider everyone's circumstances.

In your position you could all just attend in the evening.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 11:05

@BinBandit

We had similar with my nephews wedding. It was over an hours drive away, no rooms in the hotel the wedding was in and no other hotel nearby. DS was 14 and not invited at all. We didn't attend, it was fine, we sent a card and a gift card. We have a big family, it really wasn't possible to consider everyone's circumstances.

In your position you could all just attend in the evening.

But presumably you didn't RSVP saying you were attending then change your mind and just go to the evening do a few days before
BlueOverYellow · 06/04/2022 11:07

Board the dog.

Ask if your daughter can hang out in someone's hotel room for the afternoon.

Or find a friend's house she can go to for the day/night and have her skip the wedding entirely if she wants.

Gonnagetgoing · 06/04/2022 11:09

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t go to the wedding and take DD with you and find kennels or dog sitter for your dog.

I was of a similar character to your DD at her age yet I’d have gone to a wedding (get a new outfit, haircut etc) and though it might have been a bit overwhelming I’d probably have enjoyed it too. It’s good for her to spend time at social occasions and see her extended family.

Seems like you’re looking for excuses not to go.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 11:09

@BlueOverYellow

Board the dog.

Ask if your daughter can hang out in someone's hotel room for the afternoon.

Or find a friend's house she can go to for the day/night and have her skip the wedding entirely if she wants.

Or get her to spend the afternoon with one of the other 24 cousins who weren't invited. They can get ready for the evening do together and then only one parent needs to do a pick up.
Gonnagetgoing · 06/04/2022 11:10

Sorry thought she was invited. Why isn’t she invited?

Rachellow · 06/04/2022 11:10

Husband goes to the ceremony, you and DD go to the evening reception. You can’t swap places. However I would honestly check with DD if she’s happy/safe to be on her own and also if she wants to go to the wedding at all

yzed · 06/04/2022 11:11

For what it's worth Chocolateforever, I think you have two options.

First, how long would you have left daughter had your friend been able to help out? If you can fit the wedding, the meal, and race away straight afterwards into that time, then go. It could be a a good opportunity to make contact with the miserable "others", and hopefully discover that they're fun and welcoming and you've made new friends.
If those things would take too long and you'll feel worried or even uncomfortable about your daughter, then don't go. And just ignore all these Mumsnetters who all think they know so much better than you what your situation actually is!

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 11:11

@Gonnagetgoing

Sorry thought she was invited. Why isn’t she invited?
Because there are loads of cousins so they couldn't invite them all
cjpark · 06/04/2022 11:17

Just send the bride a card saying that you apologise but your Father is now too ill to look after your daughter following his op, and therefore you will be unable to attend the ceremony as you will be looking after them both but that you look forward to seeing her in the evening.

You spend the day with DD, tire the dog out, and drive over for the evening for a couple of hours.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/04/2022 11:18

@crepesncream

I do think the family should have considered your daughter's anxiety and depression and given her an invite to the day do.
That's not necessarily easy. We had a smallish (56 people) simple wedding and invited aunts/uncles but not cousins. Between us we had 17 cousins, nearly all of whom had partners. So 34 additional people. We didn't feel we could invite some cousins but not others, so didn't invite any. It wasn't a case of "splitting families up" as all but 2 cousins were adults living in their own homes.
LuckySantangelo35 · 06/04/2022 11:28

@Gonnagetgoing

Sorry thought she was invited. Why isn’t she invited?
@Gonnagetgoing She’s invited to evening for. Sounds like there’s not enough space for all cousins etc at wedding ceremony venue
incognitoforthisone · 06/04/2022 11:30

I do think the family should have considered your daughter's anxiety and depression and given her an invite to the day do.

  1. There are loads of cousins. I doubt they even know the daughter has depression.
  1. Even if they do know that the daughter has depression, they probably wouldn't imagine this meant she couldn't stay at home with the dog for a few hours. Although this may be the case for the OP's daughter, it wouldn't the case for the vast majority of teenagers in that situation, so they couldn't be expected to guess it was an issue. I was an anxious, depressed teenager and I would have absolutely hated being dragged to a family wedding, so it's not just a given that they 'should' have accommodated her.
  1. If they have limited numbers, I don't see why they should miss out on inviting another guest purely to accommodate the needs of a teenage cousin when none of the other cousins are going. It's their wedding.
LuckySantangelo35 · 06/04/2022 11:30

Can’t believe 60% are voting YANBU!

TurningUpMyStereotype · 06/04/2022 11:38

@LuckySantangelo35

Can’t believe 60% are voting YANBU!
Why? Circumstances have changed and OPs priority is her daughter not a wedding.
Branleuse · 06/04/2022 11:39

i wouldnt go to a wedding that was going to be inconvenient rather than fun, unless it was an immediate family member.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/04/2022 11:41

@TurningUpMyStereotype
Well yeah, but going to the wedding involves leaving her daughter for a couple of hours or finding a way where she can be with other family or friends for the day. It’s not like the bride and groom are asking the Op to leave her daughter for a week with no money and a tin of beans is it?!

Jalepenojello · 06/04/2022 11:43

Everything you’ve said sounds pretty normal for a wedding. Have you any reason to be desperately concerned about leaving your daughter? 14 is a very normal age to be left alone for the day

TurningUpMyStereotype · 06/04/2022 11:46

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@TurningUpMyStereotype
Well yeah, but going to the wedding involves leaving her daughter for a couple of hours or finding a way where she can be with other family or friends for the day. It’s not like the bride and groom are asking the Op to leave her daughter for a week with no money and a tin of beans is it?![/quote]
6 hours, not a couple of hours and in the same sentence OP said her daughter has depression and anxiety. Read between the lines there. Other people’s weddings are really not that important in comparison.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2022 11:48

You and husband should go. 14 year old is plenty old enough to be alone 6 hours.

GoFishandChips · 06/04/2022 11:50

So, your neice isn't inviting her cousin to the ceremony, just the evening reception? I wouldn't worry about offending her. Just don't go.

Yeah I agree, it's not a child free wedding as they have invited her to the evening so they are just being cheapskates by excluding her from the meal, probably so they can have some overpriced silver service shit. I think people should have the wedding they choose but excluding a 14 years old cousin is pretty low.