(I think I may be) to NOT want DH to go to Lanzarote?

[MrsKittylette]

DHs dad asked him out of the blue if he wanted to got on holiday there and he would pay. He also said he would pay for DS (3yrs) now my problems are ...

A - we are a family of 4 - Dont you think its a bit off for FIL to offer to pay for 2?

B - Im TERRIFIED of planes and I wouldnt go anyways, but am not at a point with my fear in which I could allow DS to go on a plane (Iam planning to sort my fear out so we can go away when the kids are older) FIL knows I am petrified of planes and that i would be horrified at the thought of any of my family being on one.

C- DH said FIL will pay for 2 so we can go together If I dont want DS to go - yes very nice but who the hell will look after the kids

Its just not practial. theres no way we could find someone to have the kids for a week, and Im not ready to leave them for a week anyway.

So now DH says well if all the above is so then he will go alone.

But I dont want him to, I dont want him to go off with his dad (who is shall we say immature) I dont want to be alone in the house for a week, I dont want to deal with the kids alone for a week,

We have a family holiday in June and I cant see why he just cant be happy with that,

Hes a married man now with 2 toddlers, --- am I right in thinking jetting off on a boys holiday just isnt something that he can do?

Im not bitter, honest, lol. I wouldnt want to go myself but i dont want him to go either

I hate my stupid fear I know its irrational but its how I am

I would love a week on my own with only one child!

They will have such fun & thier relationship will be strengthend.

It is very unreasonable to deny your husband & son a trip , based on your own fear of flying..

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

Oh, and actually, I would NOT want my DH to go away on holiday with anyone at all, unless it was me and our DD now. Infact, why would you want to do something so nice and not be sharing it with your wife/ husband??

DD and I are supposed to be going away in August, with my mum and originally my sister and her children. We had said when we organized it, that it would just be us and no men... I couldn't bare the thought of going away without him, especially since it was to a place we go, every year. I couldn't be there with out him, it holds so many memories for us. So i insisted he should come. Also, for the same reasons I already suggested, I think holidays now, should be shared with my little family all together. NOt excluding one of us. Id hate it if it were the other way round, so why exclude him?

so, he is coming, my sister has decided for other reasons she isn't coming, and my mums husband will come too. Also my brother and his fiance and their 2 children. It will be great! mostly because we are ALL going ot be together.

I take the boys away for the entire school summer holidays, DH joins us for weekends, and his annual fortnight hols. He doesn't particularly like us all being out of the house for so long, and being on his own, but believes, as I do, that the time out of town, living a simple life is so good for the kids, his needs are put to one side. And I think I'd do the same, if our roles were reversed, although I'd find it very hard. I really appreciate the fact he puts the kids wellbeing before his need to be with them.

TBH I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, agree with a lot of what Susie's said.

My belief is that things like this should be done together as a family. I don't mind the odd overnight or weekend break for me and dh to do separately but no more than that.

And i'm afraid I DO thnik being on your own with the kids all week is a bit much if the choice is there, especially if you work as well. My dh went on a snowboarding holiday without us when dd was 5 months old. It nearly split us up and he knows the error of his ways!

As for your flying phobia it sounds like it's effecting your functioning because it's making you anxious and stopping you from enjoying yourself. Also parents with phobias have kids with phobias which I'm sure you don't want. Go to your GP and ask for some CBT from an experienced therapist, there is a waiting list but hopefully by the time the flying issue comes up you should have come to the end of it. Done properly it really can work!

Best of luck xx

I love my dh, I want him to be happy and fulfilled. Sometimes that means doing things or allowing him to do things which wouldn't always be my personal preference.

A dh going on holiday for a week does not equate to a neglected wife. Out of respect I would expect to be asked and consulted (by dh rather than FIL). And if it significantly impacted our other holiday plans then I would ask him to decline. But I'm not sure exactly of the reason as to why you want him to decline? If someone offered you £500 cash would you really say - no we have enough thank you (which is what you're "he should be happy with a week in June" seems like).

I honestly can't see why you wouldn't be happy for your dh. And ime a happy dh is usually far more pleasant to be with than one who feels as if he is being controlled.

Thats not quite the same though Minum. you are effectively relocating your family for the summer. You still have your weekends as a family, and DH holiday is with you. Its not the same as going for a week abroad, cramming in the 'holiday vibe'. I'm sure, most of your time in the summer, is just normal family life, without your DH there over night for 4 nights of the week...

What a lovely thing to do BTW! I'm SO envious. Where do you go? do you hire a cottage for the whole time? I'd LOVE to do that! I'd not make a huge difference for us with DH away anyway! wow,I just love the thought of going away to a nice cottage, in the counrtyside, or somewhere quiet and just relaxing for the holidays! very envious!!!

LadyMuck, he can be happy and fulfilled without going on holiday.

I understand your point if dp wants to go to the pub after work or spend the day playing with his car or something, but going on hoilday is a bit different.

what about the next time MrsKitty has the chance to be away from home without her DH and DSs for a while?

say her mum or sister or a mate offers a paid trip away as a treat?

i would be happy for my DH to go, rather than having him sitting at home being resentful he was not 'allowed' to go, like ladymuck says.

surely marriage is not just being together 24/7 for all eternity, but having time apart, compromise, and still being your own person. none of those things should be mutually exclusive with being married.

i have been with DH for almost 11 years, he has been away several times without me and the children, sometimes for pleasure, sometimes for work. I don;t really see the big deal. sorry if i am being dim.

Susie - I know its not quite the same, but I was just making the point that DH misses us, but puts up with it for our sake, which I really appreciate.

We take our campervan, and move round different campsites in the West Country, and take in a few festivals at the weekends. Its sheer heaven. I did it the year I was made redundant, as a compensation, and have been hooked ever since

well, i am sure sometime in the future, as i posted lower down, it might come up.. what if one of her sisters or friends gets married and want a hen weekend abroad? will she not go? or be happy for her DH to say she is not allowed to go?

there is so much more to a good marriage and being a good husband.

As I said further down, dh loves skiing, but it's impractical and expensive for us to go as a family while the children are so small, so he gets to go on his own with his family/friends. I don't have a problem with it, because he is a good husband, and we have a great life together.

And if the opportunity ever came up for me to go on holiday with my friends, then he would let me.

i have more of an issue with the fil tbh, picking and choosing who he wants on his holiday.

I think YABU. Do you think your fear of flying means that your DH should never go abroad?

well yes, of course her fil would pick and cause who he wants on his holiday. Why shouldn't he? His holiday, his choice.

he hasn't asked his dil (Kitty) because of her fear of flying. He hasn't asked the younger son because presumably he's too young.

He's not insisting that they go with him, it's just an invitation.

I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I don't think it's strange considering Kitty's fear of flying.

But I understand why some people may be offended by the situation.

am with belgo on this

2 years ago, when DS was 6 and DD was a few months old, DH took DS to Spain for 2 days to stay with his parents for a 'boys holiday'.. should i have not let DH do that? I could not have asked him to take DD too, and i was knew i would have a more of a break at home without DH and DS than if i had gone with!

I don;t get the whole thing that everything has to be done as a family, or not at all..

and what an exciting adventure for the older child

and who is to say FIL won;t do the same for the younger child when he is older

As I said further down the thread, I would let him go and use it to my advantage at another time, to do something I really want to do.

I know plenty of people with very healthy marriages who go on holiday seperately for practical reasons - for example my sil has been on a diving holiday without her children; and her husband has been on a motorcycling holiday without the children. Seems a practical solution to me, as long as they all go away together as a family as well.