(I think I may be) to NOT want DH to go to Lanzarote?

[MrsKittylette]

DHs dad asked him out of the blue if he wanted to got on holiday there and he would pay. He also said he would pay for DS (3yrs) now my problems are ...

A - we are a family of 4 - Dont you think its a bit off for FIL to offer to pay for 2?

B - Im TERRIFIED of planes and I wouldnt go anyways, but am not at a point with my fear in which I could allow DS to go on a plane (Iam planning to sort my fear out so we can go away when the kids are older) FIL knows I am petrified of planes and that i would be horrified at the thought of any of my family being on one.

C- DH said FIL will pay for 2 so we can go together If I dont want DS to go - yes very nice but who the hell will look after the kids

Its just not practial. theres no way we could find someone to have the kids for a week, and Im not ready to leave them for a week anyway.

So now DH says well if all the above is so then he will go alone.

But I dont want him to, I dont want him to go off with his dad (who is shall we say immature) I dont want to be alone in the house for a week, I dont want to deal with the kids alone for a week,

We have a family holiday in June and I cant see why he just cant be happy with that,

Hes a married man now with 2 toddlers, --- am I right in thinking jetting off on a boys holiday just isnt something that he can do?

Im not bitter, honest, lol. I wouldnt want to go myself but i dont want him to go either

I hate my stupid fear I know its irrational but its how I am

[lulumama]

really ! you think he needs to grow up!! to have a holiday with his own dad and one of his children

if he was p*ssing off on a sex tourist holiday to somewhere dodgy then yes, but not in these cirumstances

as i said, my DH took DS away without me and DD, would not have occured to me to not let him, or think of him badly for it

[lucyellensmum]

Yes, the OP has irrational fears, as i do - surely if you love and respect someone you dont expect them to suffer because they are afraid of something?? And no, i dont think the DH will suffer through being a bigger man and saying no thankyou, maybe FIL could come and visit him instead. However, if the OP is left behind with the children this is clearly unfair, she cannot help being afraid of flying, seems perfectly bloody rational to me, i will never ever get on a plane again. My partner respects this and when we can afford holidays we compromise. There is always trains, etc.

Also, to be perfectly honest, from the OPs description, it seems that even if she wasnt afraid of flying and went along she would pretty much be expected to be running around after the children while her DH and FIL "bonded" Not for me, thankyou very much.

After all, marriage is about for better for worse?

My depression has curtailed my partners life, he always sticks by me with my unreasonable behaviour, and i know i am very unreasonable, The OP is perfectly justified in feeling the way she does.

[lulumama]

i guess we will have to agree to disagree on this

i know marriage is about sticking together and looking out for each other, but not about denying someone a treat or something special becasue you cannot do it, for whatever reason

bit dog in the manger-ish behaviour, IMO

i posted lower down that if he goes, he could treat MrsKitty to a couple of days at a spa or some such else.....

this is not instead of their family holiday, it is aswell as...

[lucyellensmum]

from how i read it, it just seems to me, with the immature FIL that this was engineered to get a holiday on his own!! If it is genuinely about the three generations then fine, i still wouldnt be happy to be left out, but i dont believe the OP thinks this is the case, the DH seemed quick enough to suggest him going alone!

Personally i wouldnt be happy if my DP went away without me even if we didnt have young children. Surely holidays are about being together? Perhaps im just weird

[lucyellensmum]

also, i thought the FIL lived in lanzarete, and was paying for a visit. It just seems that better places could be chosen for a family with two small children, as another poster pointed out, normandy is lovely, camping maybe? Maybe further afield? Ive been to switzerland on the train, much easier than flying. Ok ten hours with toddlers on a train might be a bit much, but there are alternatives to flying.

[lulumama]

i don;t think either of us are weird, just have different expectations?

when DH goes away without me for work or fun, i get good presents

and enjoy the quiet time in the house, as soon as the DCs are in bed, i can crack open the wine and watch what i want, or have my friends over

[cestlavie]

I'm a little stunned by some of the opinions on here. Do people honestly think that once you're married, everything should be done as a couple? Do you give up everything you are as an individual as part of the marital contract?

I would never ever ever expect DW not to do something she wanted to do on that basis - "Sorry, honey, that does sound like a wonderful and relaxing break to go on with your sis, but you can't because you're married now so you'll have to stay at home with me." Jesus, welcome to the dark ages.

Going back to the OP, if it was the case that this was INSTEAD of a holiday that they'd be planning to take as a holiday OR that her DH was unwilling to allow her to go on holiday in the UK with her family/ friends then that would be a different issue, but I didn't see anything about that.

[chocchipcookie]

I still don't understand why they can't go to Brittany together!

I have been to Lanzarote and IMO it's not up to much.

[lulumama]

they are having a holiady together in june

i don;t thikn it is so much about the destination, but mrskitty not wanting her DH to go

i totally agree with cestlavie

[elliephant]

If this was just about your fear of flying I would be sympathetic but would advise you not to project your own fears onto others - thats not fair. But this holiday sounds like a lovely opportunity for a bit of inter generation male bonding and as your DS is invited its hardly a boys boozing session. As parents, my DH and I enjoy spending one on one quality time with each of our children, the attention is good for them. Why is this different as you get older? Obviously you and your children are and should be your DH priority but surely its ok to enjoy and nuture other family relationships too. I spent some lovely holidays with my DM,DD and sister, the memories of which are all the more precious since my DM's death. MY DH didn't expect to be invited and DS was too young. I think YABU to expect to live your lives in each others pockets. You should not rely on each other for all your happiness and fufillment, its an unrealistic burden on a relationship.. Its ok sometimes to do some things seperately. Coping on your own might also give a confidence boost and as a bonus you getting to spend some precious one on one time with your other LO.

[susiecutiemincepies]

the thing is though, all of you that are ok with it, dont see it as a problem to you! the op does see it as a problem, and it is an issue to her. This cannot be news to her DH, this cannot be some out of character trait all of a sudden.

AS much as you are all saying she should repect his feelings and not have a problem with it, she DOES have a problem with it, for what ever reason ( the reason is not imprortant IMO ) so therefore, should he not EQUALLY respect her view on it? Surely, it works both ways.

What is fine and acceptable in one relationship is not going to be in another. Even looking at your own relatiohnhips with diferent men/ women. I know that i have been really unsure about things in the past in long term relationhips, that i'd have no problem with , with my DH.

I'm NOT suggesting that once you become married you are not allowed to do anything alone anymore. OF course not, that would be unfair and rediculous. Its not the same once you have children though. especially when it comes to holidays. its not as though people get a huge amount now is it? PLUS this is not a weekend away, its a whole week. In MY situation, our time together is very precious. We only get weekends, and not even every weekend, together and holidays. If DH were to use some of his precious little holiday, to go away without us, then i would be more than a little hurt. I would be mortified TBH. I realise my situation is not the same as the OP.

[mosschops30]

I am going away at Easter with my mum (no kids or dh) and my father is paying.

We will have our own family holiday in the summer.

I will happily let dh have a week away somewhere when he wants to go.

What I'm trying to say is that I think its ok that he wants to go, as long as he does the favour for you later in the year so you can have a break too

[lulumama]

well, susiecutie, mrskitty asked if she was being unreasonable... and i think she is ! doesn;t mean i thikn she is wrong or a bad person or a terrible wife, but that she is being unreasonable!

[cestlavie]

lol, exactly as lulumama says susiecutie!

OP simply asked if people thought her view was unreasonable. In fact, she said she thought she was being unreasonable but what did other people think. Whether this works in the context of her relationship is only something she knows.

[susiecutiemincepies]

ok. I was also just offering my opinion too

[LIZS]

The only reason Kitty isn't getting time arway ios because she chooses not to leave her kids either to stay in uk or abroad( fair enough), not because others would n't make it possible. So it isn't really about things being unequal. How would you feel if they were proposing going to France say, or Devon, and didn't have to fly. Does it have to be Lanzarote ? I think your fear of flying is confusing the matter.

iiwy I'd be trying to find a way to go together as agree week long jaunts are family trips to me. Your ds2 is still under 2 iirc so could fly for a nominal amount without his own seat, so it would just be a fare for you really.

[BumblBeee]

I agree with Hulababy.

I think he should take all the children (and you!) or none of them. How awful would the other child feel? If he can only afford to pay for half then that's ok but surely he should not be picking favourites.

I also think you should brave the plane...

[Minum]

FIL took one DS away last year for a fantastic holiday, I didnt expect him to take DS2 as well, it would have held them back from doing some of things they wanted to do. And of course DS2 gets to do things appropriate for him, without DS1 on other occassions. Surely equality is everyone getting what they need, not getting the same thing.

If my mum phoned up tomorrow and invited me and one of DS to go away somewhere I know DH would be really happy for us, and give the other DS a great time while we were away. He wouldnt expect some exact equivalent allowance, because he knows whenever he wants something, he would get it, whether it was a week away, or something completely different. I hope in a marriage you can give and recieve with generosity, not keep a tally of who has what.

But I do accept the point made earlier, that I can only talk about my marriage, not anyone elses, because you cant see inside other peoples relationships.

[pointydog]

YABU

[Wisteria]

I am astounded at the proprietorial attitudes some have towards their spouses to be honest.

I think as soon as you go down the route of 'am I allowed' or 'I'm not going to let him' then it's pretty negative and breeds resentment. Saying that, the freedom has to be equal for a good relationship to work.

You may be married but you don't own each other.

It's fine to tell someone you are unhappy at a choice they've made or have a bloody good row when a spouse is being deliberately thoughtless about your happiness but this is an opportunity for OP's dh, FIL and grandson to have some quality time - as ds was invited then it clearly isn't a lad's holiday.

[warthog]

with us, it's not about ownership, it's because we like each other's company and want to spend our holidays together!

and i do think it's awful to pick and choose who you want to come. what about the other child? sounds very unfair to me.

[cory]

If you are the sort of person to whom travelling means a lot, then it would seem quite hard to give that up for life because of your partner. I am in a bit of a similar position with a disabled child, which means I can't go hillwalking any more. At least I've got the consolation of knowing she'll move from home one day. But if it was my partner, then I think I would have to negotiate time on my own- and try to make sure he got some extra nice treat to make up for it. And if it was me who had the disability, then I think (hope) I'd be happy for him to go, as long as we also had family holidays. I take the kids abroad for 6 weeks every summer to stay with the grandparents, anyway, and he only comes out for a fortnight when he's got the leave; he'd never grudge us that as it's obviously such a good experience for the children.
But that's just us. Holidays together are more fun, but time with the grandparents is also important.

[helenhismadwife]

when I married my dh we were not suddenly surgically attatched to each other we are still individuals and although we do most things together as a family, dh has interests that I dont share but fil does (off road driving and landrovers) I dont feel it would be reasonable of me to say no sorry you cant go away with fil with out me and dd's because we are a family. Equally I would be upset if he told me that I couldnt go and stay with my mum/mil/friend for a girly stuff that he is not intersted in

My dh works hard is well aware we are a family and we do a lot as a family but he is entitled to time alone pursuing things he is interested in, and if he wants to go off roading with his father I will happily tell him to have fun and wave him off!!

[susiecutiemincepies]

I dont feel I own my DH in any way!

As far as I know, he feels the same about holidays and that they should be a time for us to all be together. he'd rather share and experience things with me, and now DD, than go off with friends, who may have a different agenda to him. He's proud that he's a family man now, and thinks it bizarre that some of his friends have in the past asked him to go away on his own, leaving us behind.

Like i've said though, our spare time, his time off work is so precious to us currently. Maybe, if we were together all the time, it would be different. perhaps each of us would welcome a weekend away from family life from time to time. i don't know for sure. all i know is that at the moment, it is not something either of us would consider. this is not because we own each other, but because we just want to be together when we can.

[Wisteria]

I think that's fine , it's whatever works for both of you, and you obviously both agree, so a different scenario - what I was trying to say is that if one of you gets an opportunity to do something which they want to do, I don't believe it is healthy for a spouse to be able to dictate the 'yes' or 'no'. I have found that this breeds resentment between you eventually.

There's a wonderful quote by that guy Khalil Gibran or something that I read at a wedding once which I thought was wonderful, can't remember what it was called though.