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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(I think I may be) to NOT want DH to go to Lanzarote?

86 replies

MrsKittylette · 08/01/2008 00:17

DHs dad asked him out of the blue if he wanted to got on holiday there and he would pay. He also said he would pay for DS (3yrs) now my problems are ...

A - we are a family of 4 - Dont you think its a bit off for FIL to offer to pay for 2?

B - Im TERRIFIED of planes and I wouldnt go anyways, but am not at a point with my fear in which I could allow DS to go on a plane (Iam planning to sort my fear out so we can go away when the kids are older) FIL knows I am petrified of planes and that i would be horrified at the thought of any of my family being on one.

C- DH said FIL will pay for 2 so we can go together If I dont want DS to go - yes very nice but who the hell will look after the kids

Its just not practial. theres no way we could find someone to have the kids for a week, and Im not ready to leave them for a week anyway.

So now DH says well if all the above is so then he will go alone.

But I dont want him to, I dont want him to go off with his dad (who is shall we say immature) I dont want to be alone in the house for a week, I dont want to deal with the kids alone for a week,

We have a family holiday in June and I cant see why he just cant be happy with that,

Hes a married man now with 2 toddlers, --- am I right in thinking jetting off on a boys holiday just isnt something that he can do?

Im not bitter, honest, lol. I wouldnt want to go myself but i dont want him to go either

I hate my stupid fear I know its irrational but its how I am

OP posts:

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 09:12

Funnily enough it was called Marriage and I remember thinking as I read it how true it is

Marriage
BY
Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

lulumama · 09/01/2008 09:17

that is beautiful, wisteria

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 09:21

I cried when I read it

I wish I'd had that attitude during my first marriage

helenhismadwife · 09/01/2008 09:23

that is lovely

lulumama · 09/01/2008 09:23

you live and learn don;t you

"Love one another but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls"

lovely stuff....

QuintessentialShadow · 09/01/2008 09:36

Marriage is about trust and togetherness. Togetherness is not necessarily to be together 24/7 but realizing that the other person has needs (not speaking of sexual nature here) outside the immediate family unit, and respecting the other person when he goes off and do something that he wants to do, be it golf, or a holiday with his dad and son!

Your youngest is just a baby, so it wouldnt be possible for FIL to take both kids.

Let your husband have this, let him see that you trust him to make a great holiday for his son with grandpa. Be happy for them, work on your fear.

I too have suffered fear of flying, yet have had to fly 3-4 times per year despite this. It is possible to overcome.

There may come a day, as others have said, where you have an offer of going away to do something you want to do.

I think it is setting your marriage off on the totally wrong track so early on by insisting you live in eachothers pockets "because you are a family". That is the wrong reason to refuse your partner to enjoy quality time with other family members.

Acinonyx · 09/01/2008 09:38

Your fear of flying, which you know to be irrational, should not affect the rest of the family. My SIL, MIL, and FIL (in US) won't fly, but BIL does and sometimes stops over with us.

Hulababy · 09/01/2008 09:58

For us it isn't about ownership or anything here. It is something Dh and I agree on, and it also largely down to the fact that DH has limited holidays, so yes when he takes holidays, as they are limited, we spend the biggest chunk of them doing family stuff - normally the three of us doing something together. As I said before DH and I will do the odd day or two away without DD, but at present we don't wish to do more than that. I have had the odd night away to meet friends, and - although not done it overnight yet as not arisen - happy for Dh to go off for a night away too. Our choice and there is definitely nothing wrong with our relationship/feelings regarding one another!

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 10:55

But that's totally different to the OP's dilemma Hula - her dh wants to go and she is preventing it for, although understandable, essentially quite unfair reasons.

The initial post was that because he's a married man with 2 toddlers it means he should no longer be entitled to accept an offer to go away without OP even though it is OP's irrational fears which prevent her going.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that if you are both happy doing things like hols together that it's wrong; just that because you get married and have dcs it doesn't mean you have to be totally confined to it - you're still a person in your own right, with presumably different wants and needs to your spouse.

Hulababy · 09/01/2008 11:01

True, but I do think the Dh does need to take some of the OP's feelings into account also. They need to talk about it and compromise. But that might not initailly mean that the Dh goes on this particular holiday, but that some form of plan is put forward for the all to go away - maybe a conquering your fear type plan, etc. To me marriage is about discussion and compromising, and supporting one another. And I think it is important in this case that both the Op and the DH stop and deal with this.

GrapefruitMoon · 09/01/2008 11:11

Haven't read all the post so apologies if this has already been said... I think YABU because it's not just about having a holiday it's about your dh seeing his family. His dad just happens to live abroad in a place that is normally associated with holidays.

I haven't seen my brother for 6 years. He lives in NZ. His wife is also afraid of flying and also doesn't want him to fly. My parents have been out to visit a few times but the day will come when they will be too old to make the trip. SIL has told my mother that she will never allow my brother to get on a plane again. What a hurtful thing to say to someone about their only son... basically implying she will prevent my brother from seeing his family if they are not able to travel to them...

My brother would love to come back for a holiday. Money is tight for them but I know my parents would pay but I can't see it happening in the near future. I am resigned to not seeing my brother again until I can afford to go to visit him myself.

If you have a phobia and are happy for it to feck up your own life, so be it. Don't let it it stop everyone else doing what they want to do.

(End if rant!)

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