Page 9 | To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

tearinghairout · 05/04/2022 22:57

@AhNowTed

Sounds like you've been "Wendied".

Wendying is where you introduce your friend to some of your other friends, and the friend then pushes you out.

It's done quite deliberately.

She sounds like a nasty cow.

She will 100% know you've seen the photos and you will feel humiliated.

You are right about the fact that she will know the OP has seen the photos, but using a woman's name in this way (as is the case with Karen) is IMHO disrespectful to women in general, and I really hope it dies a death. But it will only do that if we stop using it.

Tiddlesthecat · 05/04/2022 23:02

Just go. She's already paid for you to attend. It would be rude to cancel. It sounds though like you are in very different places, most probably down to you having children. If she has any soon you may find that you have more in common again. If you don't go, that's final and it's over.

PikachuAndMe · 05/04/2022 23:17

I would wait until the morning of the wedding to let her know I wasn't coming. See how she likes being cancelled on.

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 23:18

@Tiddlesthecat

Just go. She's already paid for you to attend. It would be rude to cancel. It sounds though like you are in very different places, most probably down to you having children. If she has any soon you may find that you have more in common again. If you don't go, that's final and it's over.

Ooo you're fierce

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 23:19

Tiddlesthecat sorry was meant to quote pikachu.

MissMaple82 · 05/04/2022 23:21

Quite simply, fuck her off. She just wants numbers and gifts!

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 05/04/2022 23:28

Ring the day before and tell her you have covid
She sounds a waste of space don't waste your time, effort or money attending her wedding I wouldn't

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 23:38

@worriedaboutmoney2022

Ring the day before and tell her you have covid She sounds a waste of space don't waste your time, effort or money attending her wedding I wouldn't

Great idea

Winniewonka · 05/04/2022 23:38

What about the friends that you introduced her to? Will you miss their friendship too because I think she will turn it into you being the bad guys by cancelling. I'm not implying that you should go if you really don't want to but I would do as someone have suggested and go along to partake of the food etc. I am presuming that your partner has been invited so why not have time together?
I would also make a point of acknowledging her in a non committal way at the wedding, never let her know that she has upset you because then she has the upper hand. Act with total indifference.

bellamountain · 05/04/2022 23:42

@MissMaple82

Quite simply, fuck her off. She just wants numbers and gifts!

Agreed. Life is too short for people like her. Plan a fun family day out with your daughter instead.

ManateeFair · 05/04/2022 23:46

YANBU to cancel a month in advance.

If anything, I feel like maybe the unreasonable thing you did was keep pursuing her. I know that if someone I’d drifted apart from (because they’d done a few things that upset me but which I didn’t want to make big deal of) got in touch with me years later and suddenly wanted an emotional conversation about what went wrong, and also then wanted meet to probe the issue when I’d said let bygones be bygones and clearly didn’t want to rake it all up again, I would probably want to run a mile.

floofycroissant · 06/04/2022 00:04

Cancel. I did. Every couple has a B list, they'll fill the space with a month to go. It's really no bother for them. You probably filled someone else's declined space tbh.

I was in a very similar situation, although in a shorter timeframe. Friendship combusted for lots of minor reasons that built up, then went NC for a while. After several months we had to text to sort something or other and in the next minute she'd invited me to her wedding in a few weeks. Bizarre, and instantly felt really bad, like pit of stomach dread. I politely made an excuse and wished her all the best for the day... She was livid. Like I was the most ungrateful person in the world.

Flipped, sent me all these horrid messages, blocked me on everything, bad mouthing me on social. I realised it wasn't a genuine invite, she was a total narc and I'd lost her an opportunity to peacock, I'd also likely have been ostracised on the day.

Just one thing to note is that it may affect your shared friendships, I met up with a few afterwards, and was civil about the ex-friend/reasons when it was mentioned but I could tell they'd heard a much worse story from the other side and we drifted pretty swiftly afterwards. Which is a shame.

ImOnTheRoadAgain · 06/04/2022 00:10

I really don't think you should go and I don't think you should feel guilty either. She hasn't considered you.

Please don't make up excuses such as Covid or family illnesses.

I'd message or phone her saying that you are no longer comfortable attending.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/04/2022 01:55

Yep, cancel, then block.
Do not give her another thought, she's not worth it.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/04/2022 02:05

Yep, cancel, then block.

No way would I go to that wedding. It'll be an ordeal and one that you have to fork out for. I hope you're not giving her a wedding present.

Do not give her another thought, she's not worth it.

DFOD · 06/04/2022 02:17

Your close friendship has been over for years.

If this is still hurting you or you believe the invite and the wedding will rekindle it don’t disappoint yourself by going.

If you can reframe her as a neutral acquaintance and fancy a day out then go for the venue and experience

Bearsar90 · 06/04/2022 03:02

I was in a similar position. I decided not to go and ended up regretting it.
It made things difficult with and for mutual friends.
Perhaps just go for a short while.

KosherDill · 06/04/2022 03:04

[quote TMarieClara]@yellowsuninthesky I love the idea of a strategic dose of Covid - got to be good for something!

To be honest it's a child free wedding and I have a 2 year old and. 1 year old, the youngest of whom is still breastfed and sleeps appallingly, so I feel like we can use childcare as a get out quite easily, but it still feels not quite right.[/quote]
Why does it not feel right.

"Our childcare fell through and unfortunately we're unable to accept your kind invitation. Best wishes."

Job done. Don't make it more than it is.

Changeee1546789 · 06/04/2022 04:04

Genuinely don't understand why you would want to go. Cancel. But accept the friendship is over and was a long time ago. You gave it your best shot.

PS I cannot stand flakes who cancel at the last minute.

AnIconOfImperfections · 06/04/2022 06:05

Bin her, and her wedding, off 🗑

DrSbaitso · 06/04/2022 08:30

I wonder what you did to upset her. Clearly neither of you is above cancelling on short notice to communicate displeasure.

DrSbaitso · 06/04/2022 08:39

Do y'all have the same baseless, moralistic and puritanical view of traditional face painting in other cultures? They definitely don't go for the natural look. It's not always supposed to look like you're not wearing it.

Nothing wrong with not liking it. But it takes a certain kind of thought process (or absence of any) to decide that your aesthetic preferences are actually a sign of one's superior moral character.

DrSbaitso · 06/04/2022 08:39

Oh bollocks, wrong thread, sorry.

Awrite · 06/04/2022 08:43

You could take a leaf out of her book and cancel last minute, rather than 4 weeks away. Kidding.

TheRealityCheque · 06/04/2022 08:45

@TMarieClara

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

Is it too late to cancel? It's not late ENOUGH

Cancel at the last minute, like she's always done to you. Then block her and move on.