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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to her wedding when we've already RSVP'd?

270 replies

TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 15:14

Long story short, one of my oldest friends is getting married in May. My husband and I have been invited to the wedding and RSVP'd yes, but I'm now not sure I want to go. It's just over 4 weeks away. Here's the long story:

The bride and I have been friends since school, so over 20 years. We lived together for a few years in our twenties, and she was bridesmaid at my wedding about 6 years ago. However, in the past few years, we've drifted apart. She started cancelling on our plans at the last minute (something I probably find excessively annoying), and I noticed she'd also started making plans with mutual friends (including two she only knows through me) without me. She had NEVER raised any issues with me or said she'd been upset by anything I've done. Basically, she just gave me a slow burn ghosting. Over the years, on a number of occasions, I've tried to rekindle things - told her I missed her, suggested getting together. She's always up for this, then cancels at the last minute.

3 years ago, I had a baby (I told you this was a long story!). I really mourned my old life and found it really hard to cope with feeling like the world was going on without me. I got no support whatsoever from her, nor did she show any interest in meeting my daughter, so I decided I just couldn't see her any more and actively tried to avoid being around her whenever possible. If I came in to see other friends, I wouldn't tell her I was coming. Retrospectively, this probably was a bit petty, but I was really hurt. We were still in a few whatsapp groups together, but never spoke to each other one on one.

This was all made very easy in the pandemic, but then at the end of last summer, I accepted a job that would take me into London again, where she still lives. I decided I should try one more time to rekindle things with one of my oldest friends.

I reached out in a message and said I missed her, that I didn't really understand what had happened, and I'd love to smooth things over. She said I'd done some things to upset her, that I'm willing to accept, though she was very vague about it, but that it was water under the bridge and yes, we should catch up. Of course, she then cancelled on our plans. But she also told me she'd just got engaged, and in the new year, despite us still not seeing each other in 2+ years, she invited us to their wedding this spring.

We have since seen each other for a drink with another friend and it was really lovely, but brief (we'd made dinner plans but surprise surprise she double booked). This weekend I found out she'd had her hen do, and although I sort of knew it was happening and I hadn't been invited, I wasn't prepared for how heartbroken I was. It was devastating to see photos of her and my other friends pop up on social.

I'm now thinking, I don't want to go to the wedding. I feel like I've tried pretty hard to fix things, but not inviting me to her hen do and continually cancelling on me really suggests she doesn't actually care about it. Surely I am just making a fool of myself?

But is it too late to cancel? It's just over 4 weeks away! It wouldn't be designed to be an 'f' you, more a move of self preservation! But I know from experience how stressful weddings are and how rude it is to do this last minute.

OP posts:
Hesma · 05/04/2022 19:37

4 weeks too late unless you want her to slag you off to all and sundry. Why on earth did you accept on the first place????

Wrenna · 05/04/2022 19:40

I’d cancel for sure, yanbu.

dondon23 · 05/04/2022 19:41

No way would I be going. Do you think she's given you a second thought every time she's dropped you in the shit..... I think not.

Hollywolly1 · 05/04/2022 19:42

@Hesma
She probably accepted the invitation gladly and saw it as an opportunity to become closer again but then realised she was snubbed from the hen do

Hertsgirl10 · 05/04/2022 19:44

I’d say oh looks like I have double booked sorry.

She didn’t celebrate your life event when you had your baby, why bother with her?
She’s proved what she’s about, forget her.

Thestoppedfan · 05/04/2022 19:46

It’s far too late to cancel now. I had to give final payment by 4 weeks and I had ordered my table plans to be printed as they take a couple of weeks. All in all if 2 people had cancelled it would have made us about £250 out of pocket.

H1Drangea · 05/04/2022 19:49

Just send a note saying that regretfully you can no longer attend ( no need to give a reason )
4 weeks is plenty of time for her to invite someone from the B list to come for the whole day if she’s already confirmed numbers and paid

Original poster
TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 19:49

@Hollywolly1

I think the op has omitted the mist important factor here and hasn't told us what is was she did to upset her friend and this information might change all our opinions,so what was it that happened op?
I didn't omit it - I don't know it! She said I did some things to upset her. That's it. It was over WhatsApp so my plan was to explore when we met, about a month later... but she cancelled
OP posts:
Original poster
TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 19:53

Thanks everyone. This got a lot more traction that i's expected!

It's just over 4 weeks to the wedding. So I'm going to decide in the next 48 hours so more than a month to go so hopefully she won't have to pay for us.

I know I should probably let the friendship go but it's tough!

OP posts:
TheArtfulBlogger · 05/04/2022 19:54

I would go, but now you know not to try too hard with her.

She has shown you where you stand - you are an acquaintance than is better than an evening invite, but not a close "hen" friend. Fair enough, now you know

OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 19:59

Cancel and offer to pay for your food

Neverreturntoathread · 05/04/2022 20:05

You hadn’t seen her for years so of course you weren’t invited to the hen. It’s a bit weird you were invited to the wedding but anyway you were and you accepted.

The friendship is clearly dead, only question is if you let it end on a good note at wedding or on a bad note like just not turning up and leaving her with the bill for your food etc.

Unless it’s v far and v expensive to do, I’d go, have a nice time dancing with the other friends, and then not contact her after that.

SierpinskiSquare · 05/04/2022 20:35

@TMarieClara

Thanks everyone. This got a lot more traction that i's expected!

It's just over 4 weeks to the wedding. So I'm going to decide in the next 48 hours so more than a month to go so hopefully she won't have to pay for us.

I know I should probably let the friendship go but it's tough!

The only thing that's happened since you accepted that is negative is that you didn't get an invite to the hen do. Did you honestly think you should have got one?
Hollywolly1 · 05/04/2022 20:38

@TMarieClara
OK so she is batshit🤣who needs enemies when you can have a friend like her.Good luck with whatever you decide but if it was me I wouldn't go because I would feel like a right spare after being left out of hen do

namechange578 · 05/04/2022 20:47

OP, I know how tough it is to let go of a friendship like this, even after you've been let down time and time again.

All I can say is my life has been exponentially better since I cut out a longtime 'friend' who sounds VERY similar to yours.

burnoutbabe · 05/04/2022 20:51

I'd attend, assuming I'd know others at the wedding, I was with my partner and I didn't have to spend a bomb on hotels to attend (assuming not already pre booked)

Then go low contact after if I was ignored at the wedding. Stick £20 gift voucher in a card fir a present etc.

Grapewrath · 05/04/2022 20:59

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. The friendship is dead in the water. With four weeks to go she can fill your spot if needs be

Tilltheend99 · 05/04/2022 21:06

@Ohquietone

I suppose you could look at the wedding being one last shot at rekindling your friendship if you were feeling generous.

I would probably cancel. A month’s notice is fine. It does sound like the relationship is over sadly.

Are you 100% sure she organised the hen herself and a mutual friend didn’t miss you out?

Four weeks is too late to cancel. Your meal has been paid for now regardless. We had a lovely wedding, a couple of friends with various issues couldn’t let us know if they were coming or not, and a couple of elderly relatives pulled out on the day. Don’t hold it against anyone but it was a bit awkward for the other guests when the meals still came out to the invisible invitees as at was not cancelable.

It sounds sad that your friend has been flaky and not always been supportive but because you pursued her multiple times to reconnect it will come across as an f you wether you want it too or not.

Hollywolly1 · 05/04/2022 21:21

@Tilltheend99
Good point about the mutual friend as it could be her doing all the harm

yellowsuninthesky · 05/04/2022 22:02

@Thestoppedfan

It’s far too late to cancel now. I had to give final payment by 4 weeks and I had ordered my table plans to be printed as they take a couple of weeks. All in all if 2 people had cancelled it would have made us about £250 out of pocket.
Erm - we printed out table plans ourselves! The day before! II had two people drop out in the week of the wedding.

And most caterers only need numbers a week before. 4 weeks is ludicrous. I've not got married recently but I've been to other catered events and none of them have needed final numbers until a week before. Why would they? They don't buy food a month ahead, it'd go off.

Anyway, the chances are the bride can invite someone else.

Or the OP can leave it and then drop out at the last minute with a strategic dose of covid. But I think it's better just to be vague and say something family-orientated has come up.

ittakes2 · 05/04/2022 22:12

presumably you have mutual friends? Go and see them. Try and look at it like a chance for a good catch up with them. You are understandably hurt - enjoy the party and distance yourself from her after the wedding.

ittakes2 · 05/04/2022 22:13

Another idea is to ring the venue and get an idea of when weddings need to give final numbers and base your decision on that.

Original poster
TMarieClara · 05/04/2022 22:20

@yellowsuninthesky I love the idea of a strategic dose of Covid - got to be good for something!

To be honest it's a child free wedding and I have a 2 year old and. 1 year old, the youngest of whom is still breastfed and sleeps appallingly, so I feel like we can use childcare as a get out quite easily, but it still feels not quite right.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 05/04/2022 22:33

Sounds like you've been "Wendied".

Wendying is where you introduce your friend to some of your other friends, and the friend then pushes you out.

It's done quite deliberately.

She sounds like a nasty cow.

She will 100% know you've seen the photos and you will feel humiliated.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 05/04/2022 22:37

Look if you really don't want to go and think it would hurt you more then don't go. Just text your apologies. But if you could make the most of it and enjoy the day with your other friends, I'd do that. Then drop the friendship after.