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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told off for serving olives and chicken?

438 replies

justonanote · 04/04/2022 18:14

I invited a friend's DD to my house. She and one of her friend's had been invited to a wedding and they were going to go together

I offered to have her DD and casually offered to have her friend's DD too. She jumped at the chance and was very enthusiastic.

This was all a very last minute arrangement and both seemed grateful to have childcare sorted

They were gone before lunch time but would be back before 6 so was told they'd sort dinner.

I briefly mentioned what to give for lunch and my own friend didn't actually say but I know her DD very well so just gave her what I know she would eat. No problems.

However, my friend's friend said 'oh just a cheese sandwich will do fine! Thanks again for having her'

I made a chicken curry. Both girls ate it and then wanted some seconds Blush we also had some olives randomly and a snack in the early evening

Friend's friend rang me once her DD was home with her screaming! I was completely shocked and not sure what she was talking about at first. Then she was cleared and said 'YOU GAVE RACH CHICKEN?! She is veggie!!!!! You could've damaged her stomach! She isn't use to meat'

I apologies profusely and said how sorry I was. It was a genuine mistake. She then said 'And the olives?! A choking hazard aren't they?!'

I again apologised but said I didn't realise it was wrong. I then said I won't have her again so there's no need to worry any further. She started screaming again and I hang up.

This was Sunday night. I haven't heard from my friend (who's child I know better and am actually close with). Her phone goes to VM and WhatsApp messages aren't double ticking

Was I really that Unreasonable? I really really didn't even think she could be veggie Sad

To make matters worse, my own child has a severe disability and he doesn't eat meat. I feel so bad.

OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 04/04/2022 22:36

The age of the child is really key. Primary aged friends, I'd always check with the mum that what I'd planned would be suitable, given possible allergies, food preferences etc . Secondary age I don't, but I do check with the kids themselves.

It was a last minute favour @AlwaysLatte

Its down to the parent to let people know.@justonanote is not a mindreader.

Mariposista · 04/04/2022 22:39

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

8 yo and olives are a hazard? I thought you were going to say they were 18months or something. Please don't feel bad this woman is just a nightmare at best. She was negligent in not mentioning her daughter's dietary restrictions.
Exactly. I have a lot of Italian friends - their kids are stuffing olives into their mouths from age 4 (supervised usually haha)
TheMadGardener · 04/04/2022 22:40

You are so not unreasonable. And friend's friend is batshit.

8 is well old enough to tell you she doesn't eat meat (except she clearly does!) Especially if you were making curry from scratch and she could see and smell chicken browning, etc.

And the olives thing is just ridiculous.
Think you will just have to take the high road on this one. If your ex-friend spreads nasty stories about you to other friends you will just have to set the record straight. You aren't psychic. Of course she should have told you her DD was veggie.

Fairunibutterfly · 04/04/2022 22:41

@babywalker56

Because I didn't know of any diet restrictions so just made us all something far better

Fair enough. I don’t even think diet restrictions need to come into it tho. If someone asked me what they could feed my DD and I say ‘oh just give her a ham sandwich’ and I come back and they’ve given her steak and chips, I’d just think ‘ok so what was the point in asking me what to give her then.’ Do you get what I mean?

The whole set up sounds bizzare anyway. You hardly know this person and you’ve offered to do a favour yet she didn’t pack a lunch for her DD? Then she calls you screaming on the phone even when you’ve apologised. And then on top of that your friend isn’t even responding back to you. Such a strange situation.

I also get the comments saying ‘surely just saying oh give her a cheese sandwich is just a polite way of saying don’t go to any extra effort’ etc. I would have taken it literally but can see how it may have come across that way

I get what you mean about asking what the girl can have but for me this would be the point I’d expect someone to say “she’ll eat anything” or “she doesn’t like peas” or “she’s veggie so just give her a cheese sandwich”.

I agree though that the whole thing is strange. As a veggie I’d not send my kid to someone’s house for lunch without checking the person was ok with serving veggie food and if not I’d send a packed lunch. In fact I’d say “I’ll bring a lunch” and only leave it if the other person told me not to worry as they’d give them veggie food.

Saltyquiche · 04/04/2022 22:43

An 8 year old should be able to decide to eat meat Or not

SkankingWombat · 04/04/2022 22:43

The chicken: she's old enough to know what is it and if she wants to eat it. Her body, her choice.

The olives: I have a nearly-8yo and still avoid mini eggs and mostly cut up her grapes, however I can't say I've ever been concerned about olives from a choking perspective. They are (mostly) smaller, squishier, have a hole through the middle, and don't have that whole turgid unable-to-dislodge-ness about them that grapes do. The only thing I do with olives is warn DCs to bite carefully if they're unpitted, because I don't want any cracked teeth!

The woman is totally OTT, and I can't imagine going nuts at someone like this who has just been kind enough to provide me with childcare. Especially when I hadn't bothered to inform them of dietry restrictions!

LBFseBrom · 04/04/2022 22:46

How were you to know the child was a vegetarian? If you were not told, you did nothing wrong. You're not a mind reader! As for olives I doubt they are any more of a choking hazard than other food, I presume they were pitted olives.

Your 'friend' was totally unreasonable.

babywalker56 · 04/04/2022 22:51

I get what you mean about asking what the girl can have but for me this would be the point I’d expect someone to say “she’ll eat anything” or “she doesn’t like peas” or “she’s veggie so just give her a cheese sandwich”.

Oh yeah 100%. I was more focused on the ‘she asked her to give you a cheese sandwich so how come you didn’t’ point but this mum was so unreasonable in so many ways. How was anyone meant to know she was a vegetarian if it wasn’t mentioned? She should have been kicking herself for forgetting to mention it not raising hell with the OP. Very bizzare

HelloSpringIveMissedYou · 04/04/2022 22:52

Honestly OP, where is your crystal ball you clearly should've known she was veggie and at 8 she couldn't possibly have told you Wink

The woman is batshit!

UnGoogleable · 04/04/2022 22:53

She's bonkers. And your friend isn't the friend you thought she was.

The mother should have told you she was vegetarian (whilst also being extremely grateful to you for having her!!). A simple "Oh she's veggie - but a simple cheese sandwich would be fine" would suffice.

A vegetarian kid should be able to tell her hosts she's vegetarian.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 04/04/2022 22:54

Shes a rude bitch and so is your friend for ignoring you! You did nothing wrong!

sashh · 04/04/2022 22:55

Rach needs to learn to say 'chick peas' instead of 'chicken' if she wants to get away with eating meat at friends' houses.

She will learn.

Toothsil · 04/04/2022 22:56

You did nothing wrong- you did a really kind thing in not only offering to have the child but giving her a proper meal. The mother should have told you she was veggie when you asked about lunch - saying a cheese sandwich doesn't automatically tell you she's veggie! The child is also old enough at 8 to tell you herself- she clearly knew it was chicken she was eating if she knew to tell her mother she'd had chicken. As for the olives, DD was eating them safely at younger than 8. What an ungrateful bitch - I can't believe she had the nerve to scream at you like that!

yourestandingonmyneck · 04/04/2022 23:02

What if she had a nut allergy? Or coeliac? Were you just supposed to guess that too?

She sounds mental. Ignore.

Springhassprung86 · 04/04/2022 23:03

I’d ping an olive off her head if she spoke to me like that. Cheeky cow. YANBU op, wouldn’t occur to me to check if she’s veggie if she didn’t mention it. Seems like such an obvious thing to mention. They both sound awful and you sound like a kind lovely person, Flowers

feelingfree17 · 04/04/2022 23:08

Nut job! If she didn’t want her DC to eat meat, she should have made that clear to you. Ignore and don’t waste any more energy on it. Some people are just unbelievable in the way they behave, and in front of their children too.

PickAChew · 04/04/2022 23:22

Of she's veggie, the cheese sandwich might not be vegetarian, anyhow.

nettie434 · 04/04/2022 23:23

I feel so bad.

What, justonanote!! Shock

You look after two children so their mums could go to a wedding. You cook them a proper meal, which the girls clearly enjoyed as they asked for seconds and you feel bad.

Rach clearly enjoyed the chicken. At 8, she is quite capable of telling you she is vegetarian if she wants to and eating olives safely. Rach's mum and her mum's friend are very unreasonable. You are not.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 04/04/2022 23:29

I think 8 year olds are well past choking hazards. What a loon, sorry you had to go through all that.

SoftSheen · 04/04/2022 23:34

YANBU at all!

PassThePringles · 04/04/2022 23:37

I wouldn't care too much about it. The second she started ranting I'd have lost all respect and interest in whatever she was going on about. Rach was happy, the mums opinion, because of the way she approached it, is irrelevant imo. Don't give it a second thought and good riddance if your friend hasn't stuck up for you/mediated between you both.

PrivateHall · 04/04/2022 23:38

OP this is shocking. The onus was absolutely on the mother to inform you of her being veggie, understandably you didn't think to ask. I would also expect the dd to have spoken up but maybe she doesn't want to be veggie!

Horrible that your friend has reacted as she has, clearly taking the other mothers side - when you were just trying to do a kind thing!

Flowers
lisaandalan · 04/04/2022 23:41

They should have told you any dietary requirements. X

Sswhinesthebest · 05/04/2022 00:05

It’s her, not you. Don’t give it a second thought.

expat101 · 05/04/2022 00:07

the Mother should have prepared and brought along all of Rach's food requirements regardless of her dietary restrictions.

You are not a restaurant and to expect you to feed her when you don't even know them, how entitled is that?

What a gronk.